It hurts me so to see you go 'round with someone new

There is something about Court shows that are just sick. Having spent a couple of weekdays at home, and with Nads subjecting me to them, I realize why I hate them so much: the courtroom is a place where the media should not go. I don't care that it is only small claims court. The principle is appalling. Consider someone who is writing in a private journal, and the same person who writes in a private journal on national TV, where every individual in the country can see what that person is writing. The entries, I hypothesize, would not be the same. No one should have to sit in court and have to wonder whether the judge is saying things or acting a certain way because s/he has a national audience.

On to brighter news, I really scored with the gang! Mark got me this hot World Series of Poker set with amazing quality chips. I'm right now trying to do the chip shuffle that the Pros always do, but I'm having some difficulty. Does anyone have any tips? Linda got me this high quality Puma made Maple Leafs touque! Now I can look dorky in style. And Richard gave me this ultimate edition Cassern DVD. I can't wait to see it.. it looks pretty awesome. Richard and Jen also gave Nads and I a napkin holder and napkin pack. Pretty handy.. maybe they noticed that we seriously lacked napkins last time they were over? Hmm...

This only adds to my hosting anxiety. I try to be a good host whenever people come over, but I can't help but feel that they're bored or whatever. I try desperately to entertain, but I'm pretty horrible at it. I also attempt not to feel hurt when people leave early, but people like Ellen and Sabrina always do. And they usually leave to go somewhere else. I realize that people have things to do... I guess I'm just used to the gang because we always hang out until the witching hours.

I'll get back up and we can do it all over again

Merry Christmas everyone. I'm still terrible at this blog thing.. I can't believe it.

I had an decent Christmas. Relaxing and filling. I had to spend like 2 days in Brampton though, which was quite dreadful, since they only have dialup at my in-laws'. I had to do some shopping online through said dial-up... I wanted to shoot myself.

I am grateful for all the presents I got... the heat fan is making my life so much warmer. I got another nice sweater from my parents in-law. We're having our gang's celebration tonight.. I can't wait! They always get me things that are just for me. I mean.. well, the sweater is just for me, but it's not what my heart really wanted, you know? I didn't wake up any day of this year thinking "Gee, I wish I had a new sweater". Shantz got me something spectacular... Dark Tower book VI! It is the prettiest one thus far. The cover makes me want to do somersaults. Keith got me a Maple Leafs hat. Sweet. Oh, and of course, as a combined Christmas/Birthday/Valentine's present Nads is going to get me a video card. I can't wait for that. Anyone want my crappy old GeForce 2? Can you donate stuff like that? Hmm.

I'm usually more than a bit worried about what I'm getting for other people, too. I mean, I would not want to get a bad gift for anyone. Nads always tells me what she wants so it makes it a little easier. For Linda I got the Draconomicon, which is really pretty and I'm pretty sure she mentioned it being cool, but nonetheless - I'm worried. Richard and I got Pirates! for Mark, and I got the Creature Collection III for Richard. For Keith I got $25 Australian. That stuff is so cool.. can't wrinkle, hard to tear, and perfectly impossible to counterfeit! I want to give everyone the best gift ever!

Finally someone let me out of my cage

I feel like I need to make some blanket statement about life to become wise. Some kind of catchy observation should propel me into stardom.

I am constantly amazed at the support I get from people. I don't understand how I can win any Dale Carnegie awards when I am in a room full of great people. I don't understand how I can win any roleplaying awards when Mark understands his character so well and Linda's backgrounds are always so incredibly detailed (and pictures to boot!). I don't understand why people would want to be around me or talk to me when there are so many interesting people out there. I don't get it, but I'm sure glad it happens.

Another thing I can't understand is people who don't want to excel at everything they like doing. I have a co-worker who I've suckered into playing Magic again, Christopher. He is so poor at the game though, and both Keith and I agree that he has no willingness to learn to play better. I personally want to be the best at everything I do or am. Of course, Chris also isn't the kind of person I'd like to hang out with... he's one of those wannabe know-it-all geeks with no maturity. The things I do for Magic.

Call me a geek, but I'm totally excited about Java 5.

you make me hard, when i'm all soft inside

I don't know why I start off all these entries with Linda, except that her livejournal inspires me to write here. It reminds me that I should probably keep this minor commitment, even if it's only to myself.

Her latest journal entry astounds me. Her feelings for her nanny unfortunately reflects my feelings for her. I wrote as much to her in the little note with the groomsmen gift I gave her, but I wonder if she's made the connection. If I never made the effort to see her or talk to her, she would never raise a finger to stop me from disappearing from her life. Maybe her nanny is why.

It makes me so sad. How do I express that I'm unimportant without sounding whiny? I don't know. It's just true.

Today one of my contacts bore a small hole and I went with one contact for a while. It was really hard to focus or think with one contact. Luckily, Keith is the greatest guy in the world and drove me home at lunch to pick up another one.

I often consider how I got to be the way I am. I seem to know some things about being diplomatic around the office, but I'm not sure how. More on this later.

Mother Mary won't you whisper?

Linda and Mark came over last night! It hardly matters what they came for, but Linda was *in my house*. I'm pretty certain she didn't enjoy it, and she was sick besides, but I myself am really happy she came. I think Mark had to do some major pleading, but it worked.

We practiced our Team Limited Magic. Wow, is it ever tough. Team Powerpuff managed to put together three decks in an hour and a half, which is about a half-hour than we actually should have. One deck was decent, the other two were... mediocore. We need to start from scratch and try to build them again. Linda and Mark got into a little spat, as usual, but calmed down rather soon. I can understand Mark's frustration, since there were several "You guys should just play with Richard" and similar comments. I can understand that Mark does not want to feel like he's forcing Linda to be on the team. But Linda likes to rub it in when she has the upper hand (or gain it by making it seem like more of an ordeal than it is).

I still feel bad about Richard though, now that he's not part of the team anymore. I don't feel it's justified because he was training someone or something like that, and that's why he missed practice. On the other hand, we'd never get a chance to practice if we waited for him.

Mark also bought us starters for a new CCG, Wars. It's Star Wars, but without the Star. It looks like a pretty cool game... damn him for potentially starting another addiction!

I've started on "How to stop worrying and start living" by Dale Carnegie. I've always been pretty immune to worry myself, so I think I will record my own tips on the matter here. First tip: You can stop worrying about the future by knowing you're going to succeed.

What did the bartender say to the roof when it ordered a beer?

For you, it's on the house.

I'm only 47% Libra. I'm a terrible Libra. I'm a socially defunct, inactive Libra. Some things in the quiz I couldn't quite answer, like "You consider yourself attractive and like to be around attractive people". I mean, I have to answer false because the first half is false. But the second half is true. I should try all the signs and see what sign I should be.... results later. [Results are in!: 53% Scorpio (Linda), 67% Sagittarius (Nads), 47% Capricorn (Richard), 67% Aquarius (Ellen), 67% Pisces, 40% Aries, 27% Taurus, 53% Gemini (Mom), 53% Cancer (Mark), 47% Leo, 67% Virgo (Keith). I guess it figures that I'm more like almost everyone else than myself.]

I feel quite terrible for Richard. Originally, Linda, Mark, and I decided to go to the Team Limited event at Grand Prix Chicago. We were going to be Team Powerpuff, and our hair colours each matched one of the girls made from Sugar and Spice, and everything nice. But then Linda for some reason decides she sucks at Magic and decides to drop out from our team, and so we have Richard in her place. And of course he feels like a replacement or a sub. I'm usually the one left out... I should be. This feels worse than if I were the one left out. I can't help but think part of Linda's motive for dropping out is because she knows Richard wants to be part of the team. But what kind of team name will we have now? I really think Linda is really good under tournament conditions, though, and she has proven that she is better than all of us under those conditions. She's also decided she wants to become a judge... we need a montage of her learning Magic rules.

I am going to test all my diplomacy skills in the world tonight. Nads has previously mandated that Linda not be allowed in our home. I'm going to try to change that, because it's making my life hell. I've never let on how difficult it is, but I hate having to worry if, someday, Mark is coming over to my house and he brings Linda along. Or how I have to avoid the subject of why we can't play Magic at my house. It makes me sad that I can love two people so much and they can't get along. What's worse for me is that Linda is more tolerant than Nads is being, and even Linda wouldn't call herself a tolerant person. Plus, I have to hide this unreasonable stipulation from the gang so that they will not look poorly on Nads. You can't repair that kind of PR, and it will make my social life even harder.

Hive of scum and villainy

Las Vegas. The city that never sleeps. It's interesting to see that their latest advertising campaign tries to appeal to people's desire to do evil, and to give in to temptation. What happens here, stays here. I'm not sure I like where the human race is headed.

I'm not sick, but I'm not well

I've had a stupid dry cough for days.

I have kind of avoided the issue, avoided thinking about it, but I, like every other self-righteous neighbour of the Americans, must discuss the Bush re-administration. People keep wondering: how did he win? Everyone has specific answers: fear, undereducation, etc. but at its most general principle, Bush just told them what the wanted to hear. He created the want with some help from 9/11, and then told them over and over again the only thing they needed to hear. That's it. Notice that New York, the state that was most devastated by the event, when two-thirds in Kerry's favour. They're not buying it. But the majority of America is.

USA is no longer about ideals. Each individual is about themselves, about one's own safety. Bush took care of the American conscience too, masquerading the selfishness behind ideals. With every action that Bush takes he is leading America into a hive of fear and villainy. But let's face it, he's just doing what America wants. Bush is merely the aspect of the evolution of America from a country of ideals to a country of selfish egocentricity. The majority of Americans are already there, have evolved over much time, took a big huge leap here and there.

So just remember, as much as we can blame Bush for being a warmongering criminal, he is but a reflection of America and its future.

I'm going out to buy a bulletproof vest.

Phenomenal Cosmic Power!

I do not like deciding people's futures. I'm feel like that's what I'm doing when I choose who I'm going to interview, and who's going to get the job. I feel like that when I have to evaluate my new employees at the end of their probation.

I'm not on the Pro Tour (yet). We are assembling a team for PTQ Atlanta, though!

I'm really losing faith in my Magic abilities, though. I've sucked at the Sealed decks that we have had within the gang. It's not pretty... I'm branded before the slaughter.

Nads wants a new career. I hope she finds it. She was really angry at me for the sleepover at Mark's on Friday, which now even she realizes is pretty crazy.

I discovered Mai Thai's on Saturday Morning. What a great sipping drink!

The Simpsons' new Treehouse of Horror sucked so bad I wanted to cry. Where are the Simpsons that made me laugh until I hurt?

Times 1, Times 2

I've stolen this from Linda's livejournal. She stole it from smushbox.


Three things I'm wearing right now:
1- Black socks
2- Wedding ring
3- Clear contacts
Three things on my desk:
1- Headphones
2- Mooncake
3- Post-It pad
Three things I want to do before I die:
1- Write a book
2- Learn Japanese
3- Get a Masters degree
Three good things about my personality:
1- I'm loyal
2- I'm easy-going
3- I'm loving
Three bad things about my personality:
1- I'm lazy
2- I'm empathy-challenged
3- I'm unwise
Three things I like about my body:
1- My metabolism
2- My immune system
3- My lips
Three things I don't like about my body:
1- My nose
2- My bones
3- My eyes
Three things most people don't know about me:
1- I don't lie, except to my mom
2- I'm really emotional
3- I'm not Swedish
Three things I say the most:
1- "Well..."
2- "That's retarded"
3- "Okay, but it's your funeral"
Three places I want to go:
1- Japan
2- England
3- Sweden
Three names I go by:
1- Don Tam
2- Ho Yen
3- Don McDougall
Three screen-names I have had:
1 - Thragar
2 - Diaphanous
3 - Sewerrat

I'm walking on sunshine

I don't exactly feel good. I feel like when God was handing out inspiring childhood tales, I somehow was not in line. Tonight at class everyone had pretty inspiring childhood stories, about how they came back to face their bullies, or how they were at the brink of teenage destruction but there was that one adult to bail them out.

I told a shitty, uninspiring story. It was one of two dead dad stories of the night. I couldn't think of a real lesson that I learned from my dad dying. The only effects I could really think of were bad: I don't have confidence in being a father myself, I hate relying on people's help, and the lack of a strong role model just made me try and mesh everyone's identities together to form my own. But of course I couldn't do that, so I thought about it the whole class (I was one of the last to present), and I realized that it did teach me something: that I was going to be different. Sure, plenty of Hong Kong people had immigrated, and plenty had dads still in Hong Kong working to support them, but how many of them were dead? None that I knew of. I wasn't afraid to do anything different after that. Resisting peer pressure was a breeze. I always made the smart choices, possibly because no one was there to rebel against. I've always done things differently or looked at things differently, and that is probably because of the lack of authoritative influence. I hated structured instruction even throughout university and preferred to learn on my own. And I've realized that it takes a lot out of me to try and identify a mentor.

I've always relied on the gang for moral outlook, or what's cool. But they weren't authorities. That makes me feel a bit better about fatherhood, about my potential as a father. I'm going to have a new way to raise my kid, and that's probably okay.

We've all been in one situation or another we regret

If you don't know which song that line is from, I suggest you find out.
What a perfect, perfect song. The lyrics, the atmosphere, the tune.. it's all there. I'm so glad they're Canadian.

I've been taking this Dale Carnegie course for 2 weeks now (translation: two classes) and I think I'm actually going to enjoy standing up and talking in front of people. I wasn't nearly as terrified as I thought. Next week we have to talk about a significant moment in our lives... I think I'm going to use the moment that I found out what love is. The problem is that the story isn't very exciting. I had an epiphany on a bus ride one day. I don't remember where I was going, or where I came from, just that it suddenly dawned on me. And my mother was the source of it... she taught me what love is. So I guess she's done her job. And at a young age of 17, I tried to discover someone else who would realize the same... but my girlfriend back then, Catherine, was too immature to understand, and we broke up, but of course, that's when fate lead me to Nads. Man, that story isn't going to take close to 2 minutes. Maybe I should talk about the moment I learned about Jacques Lacan's theory of psychoanalysis instead.

I want them spellbound, begging on their knees

So, here I am, guilty of not following through on my own initiative. I can't believe I can't even upkeep a journal... something is seriously wrong with me.

I had a voluptuous weekend. On Saturday we celebrated Linda's birthday. We started the day at Johnny's Burgers (a delicious joint for anyone in Toronto), then headed to Putting Edge glow-in-the-dark mini-golfing (where I reigned supreme!), rediscovered the joys of Skee-Ball at Dave and Buster's (all tickets went to Linda so that she could buy a bunch of girl stuff), took her to her favourite restaurant, and then headed back to Mark's for some hardcore drinking, Magic (can M:TG be hardcore?), and Tekken.

I really sucked at Tekken.

We decided we would all come up with Extended Mono Colour decks and each play a different colour and can play a 5p format that way. I was left with Red or Blue and I'm going with Red. Goblins are the obvious choice, or maybe I can do a Chance Encounters deck. Since we're agreeing to disallow artifacts and legendary land, I think my Drooling Ogres will kick some ass.

We all gave her pretty stellar presents. Mark gave her a foil Yosei, the Morning Star (he traded for mine), a Two Headed Dragon, Ryusei, the Falling Star, and a Plateau. Richard gave her a Spirited Away DVD. I gave her Sims 2, which means we will never see her again. Ever. I also gave her this Monster Manual that I made for her a while back, but I never gave to her. I couldn't remember why, but I remembered after giving it to her. I was afraid she'd just find it lame or stupid, and I think that's what she thought of it. I thought it was pretty good...

Richard and I are talking a little more now... we're sort of united by Magic. Richard and Linda seem to be getting along, bonding over Naruto. Linda claims that all the girls in Naruto are useless in the first 50 episodes, and that spawned an entire day of girls suck hilarity.

A couple of weeks ago was my birthday celebration with the gang and that was great too. We drank and did some hardcore Magic. They all pitched in to get me an entire box - 36 packs - of Kamigawa goodness. It's turning out to be my favourite set so far, so I'm really glad. That's when I opened a foil Yosei, the Morning Star. We did a sealed tourney with those packs, and Mark pretty much won. Nads got me Jesus Christ Superstar on DVD even though I was saving up my present money to get a new video card. Sabrina got me the last book in the Dark Tower series in the ever stylish hardcover. Ellen gave me an Old Navy sweatshirt.. it's comfy.

The week following that I had a good showing at the Sealed tourney on Sunday at 401. I finished 3-4 and got $5 credit. Of course, I opened another Yosei.

Heaven ain't close in a place like this

But I still have a lot to be thankful for. Happy Thanksgiving!

The cat came back...

Not exactly the very next day, but Leo is back!!! I wonder if my prayer did anything... is this providence?

I'm in some sort of videogame funk... I've quit Warcraft cold turkey, I've been kinda obsessing over Sims 2, but... I find myself not wanting to play it when i'm really tired. I think about starting SW:KoToR, but it seems like a long endeavour that I can't bring myself to get into. Something is wrong with me.

DDR Extreme comes out tomorrow.

I interviewed my first candidate with my VP. I added some tough questions and she didn't exactly answer those questions to my satisfaction. Are these questions unfair? They're purely analytical...

How many McDonald's are there in Ontario?
List 3 reasons why manhole covers are round.

Should I commit or should I go?

I declare today... as D&D-Day! Hakan is going to blow some minds tonight. Possibly sell his dreams to some strange merchant. Tasty.

I had some dream last night. My scalp had many great big pimples on it, and I for a moment thought that I shouldn't have short hair with skin like that, and then I thought, "whatever". And this bee wouldn't leave me alone and I was petrified. It as crawling all over me and I cowered on the ground with my hands on the back of my head until it went away. I don't remember it going away. Nads said I had a disturbed sleep all night and she woke me multiple times. She did not sleep well either, apparently.

I can't describe how much I hate seeing that messages are waiting on my phone when I come into work. Potentially the worst things happen after you're gone or before you come in. I dread checking those messages. Today it was okay though.. just Elwell calling in sick.

Listen to my heart, can you hear it sing?

No Leo yet.

I wonder how the fact that people can read these logs is affecting my writing, or maybe even affecting my ability to be open and honest here. I wonder how it affects anyone with similar journals. In the back of our minds, we know that whatever we record has the possibility of going back to the people we write about.

It was strange today. Sabrina was supposed to come over, but she disappeared for ever and didn't respond. I was going to call her but I figured she was busy. I think I was right... she didn't reply to my query about what she was doing tonight and logged off. Such power in IMs and emails...

Nads' mom and dad came over and we celebrated her mom's birthday. We didn't do a whole lot, but she seemed to be happy. We all took a nap at one point or another... that was pretty bizarre.

So I can finally see where you go when you're gone

As predicted, the Jays sucked big time. Even though we sat in row 2 on the first base side, I would've had a better time playing NWN and Sims 2. I finally finished Microserfs though... I think I'm going to buy it, I liked it so much! As a software developer I spent the entire time trying to locate different aspects of my geekdom. I wonder what it's like to work in a campus and live in group housing though. Hmm.

DDR Extreme arrives at the end of this month. There are a couple of interesting songs.. Go West (Pet Shop Boys), YMCA (Village People), and The Reflex (Duran Duran), but I was really hoping for some of the classics.. Dub I Dub and Butterfly to name a couple. Ah well.. I guess I should just try and track down the PS1 versions.

I prayed yesterday on my way home from the game. It seemed like a good time to do it. Prayer is the last refuge of the scoundrel, according to Lisa Simpson. Most people believe it should be done in private. But we are the church, we are the body, and I will pray anywhere I want to.

She left her head for a boy in a magazine

No news of Leo. There should be some kind of zine for lost or missing pets.

Yesterday I bought Sims 2. I played it for a bit. It's absolutely hilarious and amazing. But of course, Nads was controlling most of the action (back seat player!) and forced me to recreate us. It's cool how you can start off with a relationship now, so of course we're married. And of course, I have the Knowledge aspirations while she has family. We did a pretty decent job of recreating ourselves, too. Our house is kinda shabby, and some guy in a jogging suit totally robbed our Simoleons from our money tree! Man, if that game had violence I would've pushed it to an M-Rating right there. There are a billion improvements so I suggest you go get it right now if you're into that kind of thing.

Last night I also submitted my code for the Google Code Jam. Today the System testing crashed my 1000 point question though. How lame. I bet it was because it was a little inefficient and went over 8 seconds rather than it being wrong. It's so right. =P It's nice to see only 10 people passed the system test for that one though. Too bad I did so poorly on the easier question (it survived the system test though). I suck.

I'm going to a Jays game tonight. They suck, too. Man, I'm just surrounded by suck. My videocard sucks.

We're now fully in gear to hire people. I called some guy who left a resume with another department before but he didn't respond. I'm going to be the coolest interviewer ever. Definitely on the top of my question list:

What is your favourite movie?
What is your favourite book?
What was the most interesting project you've ever worked on and why did it interest you?

Two of the internals applied, and they are both friends with Elwell, who was hired here in June. Coincidence? It's a little worrisome. And of course silly Keith didn't apply. He still feels obligated to stay on his team, while someone else from his own team is applying! What a world. I'm still mourning that I'm not allowed to hire Ellen.

We all want something beautiful

I wish I was beautiful.

Last night was so ineffable in many ways. What would've been a regular get together and watch Canada kick ass at hockey night turned out to be a search for Linda's runaway indoor cat. I don't mind and I'm glad I got to help out of course, but it's so bizarre. The cat is spoiled in that household.
I feel so sorry for Linda. I'd be so upset if Bebe had run away. I can't imagine what it'll be like when he dies...
Searching for a cat by constantly calling its name is totally ineffective. But what else could we do? We stuffed some 'Missing' flyers in some neighbours' mailboxes... hopefully things will turn out for the best. It upsets me so much whenever Linda is so upset. But I don't think she'd be that upset if I went missing. Heck, she wouldn't even notice.

It all comes back to me in the end. There are times when Linda purposefully distances us, and it hurts. I had bought a case of Vanilla Coke for her, and she is the only person who drinks it. Last night she said that she planned on replacing every can she has consumed. I guess I'm not even familiar enough to give her casual things. Also, she told me I can go to her house and watch the game instead of helping her search for Leo. My name is Don; I'm a total ass.

As I was walking back from delivering my stack of missing posters, I saw Mark's arm around Linda's shoulders comforting her in front of their house. I wasn't sure if I should continue going towards them. Something told me it was a bad idea but I did it anyway. I'm not any good at comforting, so I probably just screwed things up.

During a pizza dinner which Jason (Linda's roomate) was good enough to pay for, I found out that not only is Linda made-for-TBS-movie junkie, but she watches the Swan. How... ineffable. And Mark watches the Swan too. I felt like they both just announced that they were homosexual or something. And they made fun of me for liking Resident Evil.

I kick in like a turbo booster

I broke down and jumped on another bandwagon. My identity becomes clearer the more I blur it within someone else's. I signed up for GMail. It looks decent.. the idea of starred messages is intriguing, and it is something that Rogers Yahoo! Mail does not have.

I like to experiment on people. Ever since I was a kid... I think most people have done it... stop calling someone just to see how long it'd take them to notice. I read in Microserfs that most people are too involved in their own lives to notice or think about another person's. I think this journal may help with that.

I am so low on empathy, and the main computer system will be down for an hour! The entire office is idle. Our busy bonus is draining with every second...

I wonder how this whole roleplaying thing is going to pan out. Richard still hasn't said a word about it. There are all these secret negotiations going on that I'm not party to. Maybe I shouldn't be party to. I'm sure Linda thinks I'm unworthy to handle anything from now on.

The Sims 2 was reviewed on GameSpot! How hot.. that means it'll be out soon... mmmmm. Ooh, and I'm almost down NWN: Hordes of the Underdark. What a great expansion. Much better than the Shadows of Undrentide even though that had some interesting elements. And I've got all the sexy ladies in my party.

Must you betray me with a kiss?

I've been thinking again. Hold on to your seat.

It is boggling how well Nads and I co-operate. She really fills in my gaps. She is the Keeper of the Physical. She cooks and makes sure I take my vitamins and everything else to ensure that my body stays healthy. She makes me use shaving cream. I am the Keeper of the Abstract. I'm much more concerned about reading and thinking about things and growing the mind. I explain the ethical, mathematical, or scientific concepts she doesn't grasp or know. I write the poetry.

I had a really good thought today on my way to work, but I've lost it amidst the deadlines and meetings and the fixing and the coding. Damn.

Ah yes, boundaries. There's something special about boundaries. And I don't mean only in the geographical, spatial sense, but even with time. Think of midnight. All kinds of things are to be believed about the border between one day to the next. Think of New Year's, or Birthdays (the boundary from one person's age to the next). For whatever reason, boundaries have power. Funerals.

But if you think about it, time is nothing but boundaries. Every unit of time is a boundary between that moment and another. It's a series of dividers blurred so tightly that it looks cohesive. We live in finely discretized units. We're not continuous, and we're not cohesive and this may be why.

I'm just a man whose intentions are good

Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

I realize that all my posts are pretty self-indulgent and whiny so far, so I'm going to force myself to journalize at least one good point about everyone I can think of.

Nadine: Loyal. Determined.

Richard: Charismatic. Fun.

Linda: Good values. Radical.

Mark: Intelligent. Nice.

Keith: Loyal. Nice.

Ellen: Organized. Respectful daughter.

Sabrina: Initiatative(?)

Paul: Strong. Logical

Marc: Generous.

Jen: Nice. Pragmatic.

You can be my everything

I just moved into my new office. It's pretty sweet. It's kind of weird watching people walk by your office all the time, though. Many people are congratulating me... some that haven't. It kind of feels like being a Prom Queen. More like a Prom King... and I'm not saying that because of the gender, but rather being a Prom King seems to matter a lot less to the Prom King than being Prom Queen does to the Prom Queen, and in that respect I'm more like the Prom King. Still, some people have been really encouraging and it's nice.

Last night I watched Canada wipe the floor with Slovakia in the World Cup. I'm telling you, when Czech Slovakia divided into two countries Slovakia got the short end of the hockey stick. I can just imagine the draft when the country sundered:

Czech Republic: "We'll take Jagr."
Slovakia: "We'll take... Lasak."

Linda and Mark got into more arguments than usual. They get so intense about it in the moment but it's usually alright a little later. It was over a couple of very silly things: Whether what someone estimated to be the square miles required by landfill 1 thousand years from now is viable, and whether the term turtling means blocking or crouching. For the most part I stayed out of it, but it seems to me that Linda doesn't listen accurately. And she feels patronized a lot. Or maybe she just uses that as a weapon to make Mark feel bad. After the second fight broke out we played Tekken in silence.

Back on yesterday's theory about trying to make all of our perspectives throughout time converge: What if desire is the result of something even greater than that? What if desire comes from trying to converge all our conscious and subconscious through parallel dimensions? (ie, my desire or discontent is because I can't reconcile my consciousness with an alternate dimension me). Mind-blowing.

The Greater Craftsman

I don't know if I'm doing this blogging thing all wrong. Maybe it'd be more effective - more appropriate - if I do it for the same day rather than the previous day. Things are always different the next day. Perhaps this explains desire... desire is what results because we can't get today and tomorrow's perspectives to converge.

Desire in this sense is somewhat like discontent.

Mark has this really annoying habit of not ever answering questions you ask him after he's busy. I don't mind him not answering immediately, but he doesn't even get back to you on it. Or say he doesn't want to say, if that's what he's thinking. I asked him about what we're doing today about the World Cup game, and if he has Swedish. I asked him twice. Maybe it's me.

Our regular roleplaying group might be getting together again. I'm quite excited even though I won't be surprised if there's some other stoppage. Richard still thinks we were upset because he missed a few sessions. I guess listening/reading is not his strong suit. I'm going to print out those 4 page psionic character sheets instead of the messed up retarded sized ones that I have. It's embarrassing, like when you went to school and your pencil case was less cool than everyone else's.

Everything is so binary now... I find it awkward but appropriate at the same time to have to alter my everyday speaking patterns, just like I did in the last paragraph. If I'm talking to someone on an Instant Messenger (IM), am I supposed to represent the other person as listening or reading? Or maybe receiving messages? data? The digital age is consuming and our vocabulary is catching up, but probably not fast enough. I think it's funny when people see the computer or use technical terms to metaphorically represent their lives because so many real life terms and objects are metaphorically adapted for computers. Life imitating computers imitating life.

Licorice whips

Today we only had only a half day of work. Hurrah! Almost everyone was either away or working from home anyway. A group of employees were going out for drinks right after work, but they had not invited me. They invited Reg though, which is the usual. Aishah caught me as I was leaving work and invited me, but I didn't feel right going since I wasn't originally invited. Is that pride? I guess it is.

I have to wait until Wednesday to officially take over my office and move into the Software Development Manager position. I hope to get some of that Dale Carnegie Leadership training soon.

I don't think I can help but be happy. Sometimes, I'm momentarily sad, like when Nadine and I fight about something, but I'm still the happiest person I know. Nads is a huge part of that, of course, but I sometimes wonder if I could be happy if she wasn't around. And if I couldn't, would I have been too harsh in dealing with people who are desperate for companionship? I'm not sure. I have a cornucopia of love to give, and not having an outlet might upset me more than a little. Anyway, sometimes I think about things, and think about whether I should be upset by them or not, or why I'm not upset about things. Maybe I'm inhuman. A machine. A simple object. Zeroes and Ones.

I think I'm growing bored of Warcraft. Time to catch up on that stack of games that I've been wanting to play.

Today my mom, Nads, and I celebrated Keith's birthday at the Mongolian Grill. He ate soooo much. I ate an excessive amount as well, and grew tired immediately. I wonder what kind of person would fall in love with Keith, and if there is such a person out there. There are certain aspects of his personality that are so unattractive, that might belong to a supporting alien in a movie. The supporting role would mean that he is totally uninterested in love and focused on other goals, so that the audience will never question his outrageous characteristics that would make him unbelievable or unlovable. But he is such a nice guy. A product of rural New Brunswick.

At this restaurant, I received a lesson from my waiter who nearly took my plate when I wasn't done. He told me to "eat, don't talk". He walked away before I could tell him to fuck off. Jackass.

I think I'm in the mood for a little lyric:

Today, I found god
Toosday, sigh frowned pod
Tuesday, my crowned cod

My Seven Ideal Jeopardy Categories

I wonder what they are. I'm thinking of some possibilites, namely:

• Tekken
• D&D Rules
• Common Grammatical Errors
• Interview Skills
• Making Stuff Up
• Web Development
• Frankenstein Philosophy (Mixing and matching to make your own)

I'm not sure the last one qualifies. I'm not sure I qualify for any of them.

I don't know why I instigate, or say what I don't mean

Last night Linda, Mark and I got together to watch Canada kick the crap out of the US. It was a satifying victory. Then Linda proceeded to kick the crap out of us in Tekken. It was a horrid defeat... Linda has all my getting-up psychology worked out in that game.

Reg didn't come in yesterday, and my VP expressed worry that he may be thinking about leaving the company. I hope he doesn't, but he has to do what's best for him.

Mark and I realized the awesome extent to which Batman applies to real life during the hockey game. We admired the way people rushed to the defense of our goalie who was being mistreated by the brutish Americans. We both agreed that vigilante justice should be allowed on the ice, as long as no guns were involved. A Batman philosophy.

Just before I got out of the car, I said to Linda that I hope she enjoyed herself and that it wasn't too painful for her to get together. I hope she didn't take that the wrong way - I'm genuinely concerned.

Heaven Help Me

I'm not sure there is another way to look at this, but I am the innocent caught in the crossfire. Maybe I will be a casualty. Maybe I will be the casualty. What I can't understand is how it all came to this. Why my attempts to be the responsible just didn't pan out.

What about me is so untrustworthy that one word from her is so believable? I don't understand it. I am still happy - I'm the happiest person I know. But how do all these facts conspire? Maybe they are just fragments that don't fit, like identity... and unlike the controllable world of computers and Lego.

In some ways though, our group is like Lego. And as he noted, him and I are the replaceable parts. But he replaced all of us long before we were ready to disconnect. Nonsensical. Irrational.

Another day of work. Reg found out I got the position, and he congratulated me. He left early in the afternoon.

I want what I want

Last night my nephews-in-law came over. I don't understand how anyone has the energy to deal with kids. They were quite adorable and curious about everything, but you can't really reason with them. And they were loud. The older one, Demetri, is beginning to be reasonable in that he's willing to do things he's told. But the younger one, Tristan, is totally beyond my capacity to understand. Except that he loves things that bang and make noise.

Sometimes I feel like I don't belong in this world. All I want to do is trust things and believe things, but things just can't be trusted or believed. Or people. But I will trust and believe them anyway, I think I always will, because I don't want to live in suspicion, and I think that is exactly the kind of attitude that replicates itself in others. I like to believe that if I am open and honest about everything that people will operate in kind when dealing with me. My faith is faltering.

Do my friends think I'm a liar? Maybe.. they joke about it.. I like to make stuff up about casual things or facts. Never anything about anyone else. It just hurts all that much more when I'm treated like I would lie, I guess... I always think that is an asset of mine.

Today my friend Mark (fondly referred to as Nazi Mark) came over and we played tons of Tekken Tag and Ikaruga. If anyone has beaten this game in 2p mode PLEASE let me know. It is soooo impossible. It took us 3 hours and 6 credits to make it to stage 4.

I've been reading

I've been reading Microserfs, and it is really easy to locate myself in this book. Except it has me wondering whether a journal is actually helpful to the person writing it. Will I see patterns in my life if I stuck to a journal? I'm not sure.

It's interesting that the book focuses on the body so much. Believing in something is such a success trait nowadays... everyone wants to be someone who believes. Just like Mr. Jones. Was there ever a time when not believing was cool? The Rebel Without a Cause decade, I guess.

More than once I am forced to think about my writing.. my lack of writing. I haven't written anything in ages, even though I still carry my little Eyeore book around. That was my mishmash of journals, poems, and random notes I would take. Mostly from roleplaying sessions. I wonder if I'm losing touch with my soul, or my humanity, or humanity in general. I used to be very universal in the particulars of my writing. There are muddy cherios everywhere.

I worry about my promotion. I'm sure a lot of people liked the other candidate better. I can imagine the shock because Reg has been here about 3 years while I have 1.25 under my belt. Moreover, I'm not sure how he will feel. We joke a lot together now, but he can't be happy that they chose me instead.

I couldn't resist

Setting up a blog. God, I am so weak.

And of course I had to choose the black, because I think I'm cool.