Friday, May 30, 2008

If I'm going to be someone else, I'd rather be someone else with you

!! Collectible Developer G/C, out of box!!

Starting bid US $0.01
(approximately C $0.01)
End time: All too soon
Shipping Costs: See details
Ships to: Anywhere with a fast internet connection

Item location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
History: 0 bids
Payment methods: None of that hippie paper shit


Meet the Seller
Seller: Emo_Idealist (27)
Feedback: 20% Positive
Member: since 4-Oct-80 in Canada


Description
You are bidding AS IS on ONE used software developer in Good Condition. Original Packaging and manual is not included, but I'll throw in his crappy creative writing so that you know how to work him. No picture available as this developer refuses to take any because of his insecurity, and when he looks into the lens of the camera, he sees a distorted view of what he thinks the picture will look like and is overcome with unease. Packaged in business casual wear (short sleeve unironed shirt and khakis).

The only damage besides his eczema and a small faint scar on his chin is not visible and wholly emotional. Sure you could buy a cheaper developer from EBay India, and they will work harder, but all they would do is do whatever you tell them to do. This developer adapts to any environment and has become very Canadian after I found him at bargain prices in Hong Kong.

Remember, each developer is numbered 1 to 50,000,000 and after that, we’ll churn out more, so you best hurry if you don’t really understand technology but you expect computers to fix all the shitty little problems in your life. Thanks and good luck!

BID WITH CONFIDENCE. NO REFUNDS OR EXCHANGES.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Gears of War

Gears of War
X360 - Epic - November 12, 2006
Microsoft Game Studios
Third Person, Shooter, Chainsaw
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Graphics97
Sound90
Gameplay95
Encounter/Level Design92
Dollar ValueCDN$60
95

At the time of writing, 28 hours have been put into the game, and probably will be spending many more until Gears 2.


There are a couple words that can sum up the Gears of War experience, and those are Guns and Chainsaws. I'm not talking about separately, either. Guns. Chainsaws. Together. Read that again. It's as awesome as it sounds.

Since my Tyrannical Overlords won't let me get away with using just a few words though, here is some extra analysis about the game, even though you should have stopped reading by now and have gone out and bought the game for the two reasons listed above.

For one, Gears of War has some of the best graphics of any console game still. I'm not saying that they were good for back then – they are actually quite good compared to games now. In some scenes you can see the pixels, and the view is annoyingly obstructed by your character sometimes, but in the end you appreciate the chunks of body parts splattering chaotically on the ground. Even little things are done right, so that it's worth it for you to put a chainsaw to an opponent even though it means imminent death after the lengthy animation. One element that might annoy gamers is that the camera jolts and shifts weirdly as you run. Though it is annoyingly ineffective at times, running hard while trying to do things like aiming and shooting big guns should probably be that difficult.

The sound bytes are both enjoyable and purposeful. In multiplayer, which is the majority of my experience, there are sound bytes to let you know when your teammate has been downed, when you or your teammate has hit the perfect reload, or when an enemy nearby is running or diving around. Getting a headshot in the story mode will reward you with sound bytes like “Sup, bitches!” The voice acting is fairly good and the banter that goes on amoung the members of your squad is quite superb, even though there is not enough of it. Other than that, the bad guys make scary noises, the guns make gun noises, and the random people on the internet make inane noises, so everything is as it should be.

The gameplay is where Gears really shines. I don't think I can play a shooter that doesn't have a decent cover system anymore. It just makes sense. Your options while in cover is like playing a strategic mini-game, and there are many skills you can master to help you become successful at the game. Though the story mode does get pretty hard on the harder difficulties, nothing compares to the strategic squad based multiplayer that also manages to get its fair share of action in. It is the perfect mix of action for the head shot junkies and the squad based strategy as found in the Rainbow Six games. I have been on teams with fairly skilled players and gotten crushed because of the lack of communication and strategy. On the other hand, I have downed the entire opposing team singlehandedly (I'd like to think this was because of some skill on my part). You really value your life, unlike most of the respawning shooters, and survival means you stick with your teammates. Combine these elements with the adrenaline pumping guns and chainsaws, and you have a fairly addictive multiplayer experience. Not since the original Unreal Tournament have I played such a compelling shooter.

The co-op mode is awesome as well. One thing you will learn about me is that I love co-op. I want to marry co-op and have its babies. Co-op is probably the best feature anyone can put in a game. Even in the other multiplayer modes, I like teamming up with my friends rather than competing against them. Co-op can make even mediocre games fun (hello, Marvel Ultimate Alliance!). There are some brilliant moments in the co-op story mode, such as trying to keep your partner in a spotlight as they run along a dark street.

The story is somewhat interesting if a bit cliche, and the characters are done well enough to keep interest in between killing aliens. The setting also does just enough to not seem like it was hacked together at the last minute. I carry some interest in the pasts of the main characters, but honestly, the story does not live up to the levels of awesome that make up the rest of the game.

Epic also has a history of supporting their games for a long while, and I can't exactly say I'm disappointed so far with the two map packs they've released and the patch that makes the Lancer (the standard machine gun that has the chainsaw attached) viable in multiplayer. I wish they would fix the grenade melee attack as a point of game balance, but that's about the only complaint I have in terms of gameplay.

Gears of War does almost everything just right, and I fully recommend that you try out the new release of the game that's coming out. Then join me as we salivate over the Gears of War 2 footage that has been released.

Don “I can't quit you Dom” Tam

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

If I had a funeral, would you even care?

I don't know why I can't go back to sleep, but it sucks. It is now 04:54, and I have been awake for about half an hour. No, I've been awake longer than that, I just decided that it was pointless to try to get back to sleep half an hour ago.

A few things led to this. One, I'm crazy and obsessive and I am agonizing over either working on a crappy crappy laptop with XP on it or turning on UAC and jumping through various hoops on my regular laptop in order to do the current project for work (thanks Quickbooks, I hate you). Second, the temperature is just cold enough that I can't not have a cover (fun fact: I always need a cover to sleep, even if it's just a thin bed sheet) but using my regular cover means I overheat just very slightly after a while. Then, to really seal the deal when I was sleeping after making a decision about problem One, my dreams decided to take me to unhappy land.

I dreamed that Nads was dead. The details were hidden from me, and I could only feel sadness and pain. I imagined myself crumpled in the shower, convincing myself to survive for Jasmine's sake. I thought about how I was going to feed Jasmine, how I would get her to sleep without Nads around. Pictures jumped around in my mind and they painted a picture an artistic and tortured undead may paint, but thankfully I woke up before I started to actually cry. But at this point, I was wide awake and didn't want to go back to those dreams again, and kept my eyes open. And here I am.