There's nothing you can ever say, nothing you can ever do

Signs of depression that I possess:

Change in sleeping habits--too much or too little; waking earlier than usual
- too little. I also wake up abnormally early on days when I shold be sleeping in

Change in appetite or weight
- I've been losing weight, which was already a dismal 120, pretty much nonstop for six months. I'm down to 113. I may disappear soon.

Doing things more slowly or very rapidly (speaking for example)
- I do both of these. Sometimes I'm just heavily shaking when trying to do something. Sometimes it's hard for me to get my thoughts together to speak.

Feeling tired, loss of energy
- Well, I think everyone exhibits this one.

Inability to concentrate, confused, slowed thinking, indecisiveness
- Inability to concentrate is a new one that worries me... sometimes I can't focus on what people are saying. I'm still pretty much never confused, and I'm slower than I was before, but that could be age. I've been indecisive forever.

Feeling of worthlessness, self hate, guilt
- 3 fragments of my being.

Feeling hopeless and helpless
- I'm very optimistic, I think, but I am often helpless.

Self neglect--not bathing or changing clothes--a change in hygiene
- I'm decently hygenic, but I can't pay attention to vitamins and fruits and crap like that

Excessive drug or alcohol use
- Does World of Warcraft count?

Thoughts of death, suicide wishing to be dead
- I often have thoughts of death. I try to imagine the funeral, and how I want everyone to be happy. I sometimes think about what would happen if I was never born at all. Would the gang still have a fourth? Who would it be? I don't think of killing myself, I must say. And I don't so much wish to be dead rather than having an opportunity to die for people I love, to forever authenticate how much I care about them.

But when everybody loves me, I'm going to be just about as happy as can be

I am Jack's inflamed sense of rejection.

Mark is under extreme depression as I speak. And I am helpless. I am keeping vigil just in case he responds, as I have made very lame attempts to communicate, but I don't think he will. Even Linda tells me I can't help, even though she asked me to. I'm afraid. Somehow I forgot about his volatile state... he seemed to be okay yesterday. He was never comfortable with speaking to me about anything personal, so I realize I definitely can not be any help and may only hinder... but maybe if I remain vigilant.

It hurts me that Linda is so upset and worried, as well. She is my authority on Mark, really, and she has seen him depressed before. If she thinks it is serious, then I can't hope to reason otherwise. Writing in this journal at this moment feels like a sin. Although this event has made me realize that I want so badly to do stuff for my friends precisely because I am so utterly helpless to aid them in any way.

I really hope he is okay. I wish I could tell him that he could rely on me. That I'd pretty much rather ride in his car then any other. That I wish I am as smart as he is. I want to say it, and have him believe me. I can't remember what I wrote to him in my wedding note... I wonder if he believed that. Could the fact that it was in writing change anything?

If I were you I'd go

The secrets are horrendous in me.

There's something about receiving actual mail that will never be replaced by anything electronic. I love getting mail that isn't a bill or spam, and opening it. I think that's the real crime of having your mail opened. You don't get that moment of anticipation - why would someone write to me in this digital age?

I'd sacrifice anything for the sake of having you near

I just had the most amazing weekend. It is one that I think I will remember for the rest of my life. Linda spontaneously spawned a plan on Friday for us to leave Friday night to Ottawa, stay at a hotel, and skate along the Rideau Canal. I missed skating so dearly! I haven't skated for about 7 years despite my love for it. Linda was teaching Mark and I how to skate backwards, and we skated for hours. On Friday night we left my house at 10:00pm. The drive was estimated at 4 hours, but it took a little longer than that. In the car we managed to entertain ourselves with conversation about Warcraft, and pretending we were in different horror movie scenarios. We got to our hotel at about 2:30am and we stayed up and watched some infomercials. The pillows at the Chateau Laurier were really amazing... I had a good sleep but I could only sleep about 4 hours from the excitement. Linda woke up half an hour after me, but I didn't want to wake Mark so I explored the hotel a bit. There wasn't too much there... a few stores, some loud children. When I returned to the room Linda and I left Mark to sleep and visited the stores. She bought some postcards and then we sat down and talked for a while, which was great because we hardly have a chance to speak alone. The thing that sticks out in my mind about that palaver is my sense of pride?... admiration, maybe, of her morality. On Saturday, after skating, we went to eat at this yuppy Japanese-Chinese "fusion" place called Kinki. There I had my favourite alcoholic concotion ever - the Emerald Dragon. This is why I get Linda to pick drinks for me! Everyone seemed to enjoy it even though it was pretty expensive. We noticed that Ottawa is a pretty wholesome place, and that all the girls that work at the establishments are all above-average in looks. I could scarcely believe it. We left Ottawa at around 9:15pm, after visiting a chocolate factory and a used book store (Canada's largest!). I bought Nads a chocolate rose (I am so glad Nads didn't make a fuss about me going on this trip). There was a decent selection of books, but no Sartre. That's like a house full of condiments and no food. On the way home Linda slept for a bit (I battled very hard and bitterly to stay awake), and then we sang some songs (including Bohemian Rhapsody!) before we realized we could sing along to actual music with Mark's I-Pod. We rocked out. Hard.

My muscles still ache from carrying the bags while skating the whole time. My heart ached a bit when I thought about the cost of the trip, and on the drive home and it was going to be over. The cold seemed colder, then, and I felt exhausted. Was it all from the lack of sleep?

I also need to amend my last post... Through our conversation I learned that Linda is actually seriously in debt. I told Nads that I wish I won the lottery so that I can pay for Linda to get her aviator's license and a job being a bush pilot and pay off her debts, and Mark a new car. I can't really imagine what to get Richard, because he seems to just get everything he wants. I'd probably get him a complete entertainment system and a tricked out computer or something. Nads told me that that was a waste of money and I should not spend my winnings like that. She claims that's how people go poor. I said I would happily be poor if that means I can fulfill other people's dreams, and that it's pointless for me to win the lottery except to do so. She still doesn't understand that they're my family, I guess, and I can't blame her.

The one you said I could do without

This comes on the heel of another reading of Linda's journal. And inquiries into one of the entries thereof... more personal information for my insatiable appetite. During our conversation, she caught me trying to be sly instead of asking directly, and she proclaimed that I am so transparent. I told her I am, and that's why I'm diaphanous.

I sometimes think about financials. I was never the richest of the gang, but now I'm pretty sure I'm the most poor. Linda mentioned that she had $3000 in her savings! I was always worried about her the most, and I would tend to buy Linda stuff or pay for her at dinner or anything like that (well, for Linda more than anyone else, I mean). And she's always mentioning how she shouldn't be spending money. I am so proud of her that she has so much saved up to pursue her dreams, of going back to Sweden and things like that. I will of course continue to support her any way I can. Every month I am barely scraping together enough to make ends meet, and that doesn't really worry me, except I am not as free to do things like spontaneously buy people gifts. Although the poorer I am, the more I want to do things like that. It's often worth it, anyway. Richard is of course very stable right now as well, although I am worried about his spending habits. He has a lot of extra income right now and he has always just bought everything he wanted. And even when he didn't have his own income his mom would support him. Mark... well, I don't know what kinds of straits he's in now, but he hasn't worked in over a year, and I'm not sure he's eligible for unemployment since he worked for a company located in the States. I think he has a lot in investments though.

I have some weird makeup that makes me want to know every single detail about my friends. Something's wrong with my cocktail.

Have you got any other jumps I can hoop through?

I'm curious. Maybe nosy. It's tough to tell the difference, but I really want to know everything. My thirst for knowledge about things, especially my friends, is insatiable. I'm some kind of... personal information vampire. I'm sure at least partly it's because I'm so starved of it... I hardly know anything about anyone. Often it's because I'm forgetful, so it all seems like news to me. In any case it empowers me with a sense of worth in relation to them, that I have this knowledge.

Given the choice, I will always follow the white rabbit.