Pray to God for love and hope

When I started recording my thoughts here and decided to make it public, I was careful to focus on my thoughts or feelings towards a person, rather than what they've done or focusing on them. Recently, I have been much less careful. Even though I don't feel it is shameful to state my thoughts on any particular person, maybe not everyone reads it the same way. To me, this journal is something to use to evaluate me, but I suppose people can pass judgment on the people I write about.

So, even though it never occurred to me that stating Richard lies would be somewhat shameful to reveal for him, I have strayed and perhaps gone too far in this public forum. I will not write any more perceptions about him, though he is part of the gang and thus occupies some significant portion of my thoughts. But I don't want to hurt him or cause him stress. On the other hand, I welcome people to speak out their thoughts about me.

Phantasm this weekend was great. Mark and I failed to invite Linda... how does this keep happening? I always assume he's going to, especially since they hung out on Thursday. And years of training. I think the weekend was significant for Mark, and he seems a lot happier afterwards. We played some UT2004 at ELan and that was fantastic too... Mark was a maniac with his shield gun.

Mark's mom and Bill were so nice and were great hosts as usual, and gave me a bottle of her home-made wine to boot! Also, kindness award also goes to Chris for helping me pick up Keith's gift from stupid Brampton. I really tried to look for it elsewhere and I feel really bad, but I'm glad my back is so covered.

You're irresistibly wrong

The cover of identity. It is the Post-Modern plague. The condition has existed since society formed out of chaos, but only in the last century or so has it ever been identified as a problem. And you should be aware. It is a problem.

Sometimes we go to great lengths to provide a cover and reinforce our identity. There was an Undergrads episode about it. He became the guy who wouldn't leave his room, and eventually he wouldn't leave his room to keep his cover, even though he did want to leave his room. The lengths we go through breaks all logic. Richard will sometimes lie just to maintain his cover. He's getting a lot better about it, but it's amazing. Partly it's also because other people reinforce our identity. Just this morning Nads said to me: "You like wine? Who are you? What have you done with my husband?" And in order not to disappoint others' conceptions of our identity, we try to keep it cohesive and intact. We don't know what will happen if people find out we're not always the same person, that you can't count on us to be the same person (at all levels) at any given moment. Unfortunately, our identity is fragmented. Lacan's theory. Good old Jacque.

What really worries me about his theory though (if it is correct) is this part that he calls the Real. The part that can't be represented through the symbolic order (ie, can't be represented with any tool we possess). This means that each of us faces the Real alone (as we can't express it), and I don't think everyone can do it.

Anyway, things are returning to a precarious equilibrium. I'm sleeping more soundly, Richard is returning to work, and Mark and Linda are hanging out again. Equilibrium is sneaky though, and life may be shaky before week's end.

I write these stupid words and I love every one

I can't understand why the argument last night was bothering me so much. I think it's because Linda pretty much flipped out. I finally resolved it this morning when I decided that I'm just not going to argue with her anymore... it's really not worth the stress to her. I actually managed to stay calm, which is unusual when I have arguments about logic.

The argument was about whether Snatch Arrows was an ineffective feat for her to take. I understood her argument about her defense being good and it wouldn't be effective, if it was a defensive feat. But I think my argument is still sound. Snatch Arrows lets her catch thrown weapons and throw them back at her opponents. That's turning a defensive feat that she already has (Deflect Arrows) into an offensive feat. It allows her to get an attack of opportunity every time someone throws a weapon at her. Just to make sure I was understanding that correctly, I asked her if she could use it every time someone threw something at her, even if they don't hit her. I don't think I communicated the fact that it was an offensive feat correctly, and she now thinks I'm stupid or something. She (and Chris) decided that I just didn't understand the math and started explaining it to me (I was trying to be polite and not interrupt). Getting to use your attacks of opportunities seems pretty good to me.

Anyway, all in all I still really enjoyed the evening. Getting loots, gaining levels, and getting to play Isaac again! Man, I can't wait to grapple something/one, or bull rush them off a cliff, or net and bash them. It's funny how the weapon specialization mechanic has worked out for D&D, I think. The whole point of focusing on a single weapon is to differentiate fighters from each other... having a signature weapon sort of thing. But every figther specializes now (and it's very detrimental not to do so... Weapon Spec and Improved Weapon Focus/Spec are just amazing). I purposefully made Isaac to be the exact opposite, so that he can focus on weapon versatility, but he's really suffering. I don't know what to do with his feat selections since nothing seems as good as Weapon Focus and Spec. I could probably be doing double the damage I am doing now if I went a regular fighter route. Not to mention the party rogue has a better hit bonus than I do (and can do waaaaaay more damage when sneak attacking).

I should be sleeping like a log

More restless sleeping. Last night was guilt-based again. Two nights ago was terror-based. Three nights ago was just hella disturbing. I'm beginning to think I'm a terrible person and that my endless nightmares are some kind of punishment from a conscience that isn't in control, like a rebelling teenager in an academic environment. We tried sleeping on a makeshift bed made from our couch cushions laid onto the floor and in front of the AC last night. It worked for Nads. I don't know if a new bed will help me... I hope the solution is that easy.

I'm so worried. I'm sending out my guardian angels a lot these days. I think I will finally get my review tomorrow. What a relief, but I also think it will be disappointing.

My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating

Wow... I just went through some settings on my blog... finally I found where to control my stupid timezone. Also, I didn't notice that only blogger.com members could post, so I've changed it so everyone could comment. In addition, there's some word verification thing to help me stop comment-spam. Hurray! I also messed with the layout a tiny bit... nothing big yet, but I feel it needs to change.

I had weird kung-fu dreams again last night, as Nads would call them. This time, I did know kung-fu, and it was the only thing that was keeping me alive against two invincible (at least, invincible to me) demons that were trying to kill us (Nads and I... she knew kung-fu too). Besides, that, I only remember bits and pieces... almost falling off Niagara Falls, cleverly setting up decoys in a hotel room and furtively sneaking away, deciding what to bring with me, a martial arts tournament, in which our team distracted some rival team with mention of food, and a frustrating experience at a convenience store. I woke up way early because of it.

When these impossible odds are laid against me, I usually wake up either because my mind starts questioning how I've survived this long (as was the case this morning) or because I reach a frightening point that gets my adrenaline pumping (which is usually the case with my action-oriented dreams).

I don't understand how the last card is played

but somehow the vital connection is made

A word to push onto the overused stack: interesting. It means a wide variety of things, including the exact opposite. "That's... interesting" really means "please shut up about it". Does it hurt interesting that we've turned its meaning into its arch-nemesis? Someone should get to the bottom of this.

I'm getting upset at how short-tempered Mark is being with Linda. Yes, she can have biting remarks but I feel she is never mean-spirited about it. But Mark's responses are downright hurtful and rude. It was really different when they just used to argue about stuff... then Linda would at least be arguing back. Now, Linda makes a comment, Mark yells something mean at her, and she does not respond. I guess that is an indication of how much it hurts her. He needs to stop before there is no return. And I can empathize with his situation... his temper is probably shorter because of his sleep depravation, but I can't excuse him forever. He must be able to think long term. He's way smarter than that.