Heaven Help Me

I'm not sure there is another way to look at this, but I am the innocent caught in the crossfire. Maybe I will be a casualty. Maybe I will be the casualty. What I can't understand is how it all came to this. Why my attempts to be the responsible just didn't pan out.

What about me is so untrustworthy that one word from her is so believable? I don't understand it. I am still happy - I'm the happiest person I know. But how do all these facts conspire? Maybe they are just fragments that don't fit, like identity... and unlike the controllable world of computers and Lego.

In some ways though, our group is like Lego. And as he noted, him and I are the replaceable parts. But he replaced all of us long before we were ready to disconnect. Nonsensical. Irrational.

Another day of work. Reg found out I got the position, and he congratulated me. He left early in the afternoon.

I want what I want

Last night my nephews-in-law came over. I don't understand how anyone has the energy to deal with kids. They were quite adorable and curious about everything, but you can't really reason with them. And they were loud. The older one, Demetri, is beginning to be reasonable in that he's willing to do things he's told. But the younger one, Tristan, is totally beyond my capacity to understand. Except that he loves things that bang and make noise.

Sometimes I feel like I don't belong in this world. All I want to do is trust things and believe things, but things just can't be trusted or believed. Or people. But I will trust and believe them anyway, I think I always will, because I don't want to live in suspicion, and I think that is exactly the kind of attitude that replicates itself in others. I like to believe that if I am open and honest about everything that people will operate in kind when dealing with me. My faith is faltering.

Do my friends think I'm a liar? Maybe.. they joke about it.. I like to make stuff up about casual things or facts. Never anything about anyone else. It just hurts all that much more when I'm treated like I would lie, I guess... I always think that is an asset of mine.

Today my friend Mark (fondly referred to as Nazi Mark) came over and we played tons of Tekken Tag and Ikaruga. If anyone has beaten this game in 2p mode PLEASE let me know. It is soooo impossible. It took us 3 hours and 6 credits to make it to stage 4.

I've been reading

I've been reading Microserfs, and it is really easy to locate myself in this book. Except it has me wondering whether a journal is actually helpful to the person writing it. Will I see patterns in my life if I stuck to a journal? I'm not sure.

It's interesting that the book focuses on the body so much. Believing in something is such a success trait nowadays... everyone wants to be someone who believes. Just like Mr. Jones. Was there ever a time when not believing was cool? The Rebel Without a Cause decade, I guess.

More than once I am forced to think about my writing.. my lack of writing. I haven't written anything in ages, even though I still carry my little Eyeore book around. That was my mishmash of journals, poems, and random notes I would take. Mostly from roleplaying sessions. I wonder if I'm losing touch with my soul, or my humanity, or humanity in general. I used to be very universal in the particulars of my writing. There are muddy cherios everywhere.

I worry about my promotion. I'm sure a lot of people liked the other candidate better. I can imagine the shock because Reg has been here about 3 years while I have 1.25 under my belt. Moreover, I'm not sure how he will feel. We joke a lot together now, but he can't be happy that they chose me instead.

I couldn't resist

Setting up a blog. God, I am so weak.

And of course I had to choose the black, because I think I'm cool.