you make me hard, when i'm all soft inside

I don't know why I start off all these entries with Linda, except that her livejournal inspires me to write here. It reminds me that I should probably keep this minor commitment, even if it's only to myself.

Her latest journal entry astounds me. Her feelings for her nanny unfortunately reflects my feelings for her. I wrote as much to her in the little note with the groomsmen gift I gave her, but I wonder if she's made the connection. If I never made the effort to see her or talk to her, she would never raise a finger to stop me from disappearing from her life. Maybe her nanny is why.

It makes me so sad. How do I express that I'm unimportant without sounding whiny? I don't know. It's just true.

Today one of my contacts bore a small hole and I went with one contact for a while. It was really hard to focus or think with one contact. Luckily, Keith is the greatest guy in the world and drove me home at lunch to pick up another one.

I often consider how I got to be the way I am. I seem to know some things about being diplomatic around the office, but I'm not sure how. More on this later.

Mother Mary won't you whisper?

Linda and Mark came over last night! It hardly matters what they came for, but Linda was *in my house*. I'm pretty certain she didn't enjoy it, and she was sick besides, but I myself am really happy she came. I think Mark had to do some major pleading, but it worked.

We practiced our Team Limited Magic. Wow, is it ever tough. Team Powerpuff managed to put together three decks in an hour and a half, which is about a half-hour than we actually should have. One deck was decent, the other two were... mediocore. We need to start from scratch and try to build them again. Linda and Mark got into a little spat, as usual, but calmed down rather soon. I can understand Mark's frustration, since there were several "You guys should just play with Richard" and similar comments. I can understand that Mark does not want to feel like he's forcing Linda to be on the team. But Linda likes to rub it in when she has the upper hand (or gain it by making it seem like more of an ordeal than it is).

I still feel bad about Richard though, now that he's not part of the team anymore. I don't feel it's justified because he was training someone or something like that, and that's why he missed practice. On the other hand, we'd never get a chance to practice if we waited for him.

Mark also bought us starters for a new CCG, Wars. It's Star Wars, but without the Star. It looks like a pretty cool game... damn him for potentially starting another addiction!

I've started on "How to stop worrying and start living" by Dale Carnegie. I've always been pretty immune to worry myself, so I think I will record my own tips on the matter here. First tip: You can stop worrying about the future by knowing you're going to succeed.

What did the bartender say to the roof when it ordered a beer?

For you, it's on the house.

I'm only 47% Libra. I'm a terrible Libra. I'm a socially defunct, inactive Libra. Some things in the quiz I couldn't quite answer, like "You consider yourself attractive and like to be around attractive people". I mean, I have to answer false because the first half is false. But the second half is true. I should try all the signs and see what sign I should be.... results later. [Results are in!: 53% Scorpio (Linda), 67% Sagittarius (Nads), 47% Capricorn (Richard), 67% Aquarius (Ellen), 67% Pisces, 40% Aries, 27% Taurus, 53% Gemini (Mom), 53% Cancer (Mark), 47% Leo, 67% Virgo (Keith). I guess it figures that I'm more like almost everyone else than myself.]

I feel quite terrible for Richard. Originally, Linda, Mark, and I decided to go to the Team Limited event at Grand Prix Chicago. We were going to be Team Powerpuff, and our hair colours each matched one of the girls made from Sugar and Spice, and everything nice. But then Linda for some reason decides she sucks at Magic and decides to drop out from our team, and so we have Richard in her place. And of course he feels like a replacement or a sub. I'm usually the one left out... I should be. This feels worse than if I were the one left out. I can't help but think part of Linda's motive for dropping out is because she knows Richard wants to be part of the team. But what kind of team name will we have now? I really think Linda is really good under tournament conditions, though, and she has proven that she is better than all of us under those conditions. She's also decided she wants to become a judge... we need a montage of her learning Magic rules.

I am going to test all my diplomacy skills in the world tonight. Nads has previously mandated that Linda not be allowed in our home. I'm going to try to change that, because it's making my life hell. I've never let on how difficult it is, but I hate having to worry if, someday, Mark is coming over to my house and he brings Linda along. Or how I have to avoid the subject of why we can't play Magic at my house. It makes me sad that I can love two people so much and they can't get along. What's worse for me is that Linda is more tolerant than Nads is being, and even Linda wouldn't call herself a tolerant person. Plus, I have to hide this unreasonable stipulation from the gang so that they will not look poorly on Nads. You can't repair that kind of PR, and it will make my social life even harder.

Hive of scum and villainy

Las Vegas. The city that never sleeps. It's interesting to see that their latest advertising campaign tries to appeal to people's desire to do evil, and to give in to temptation. What happens here, stays here. I'm not sure I like where the human race is headed.

I'm not sick, but I'm not well

I've had a stupid dry cough for days.

I have kind of avoided the issue, avoided thinking about it, but I, like every other self-righteous neighbour of the Americans, must discuss the Bush re-administration. People keep wondering: how did he win? Everyone has specific answers: fear, undereducation, etc. but at its most general principle, Bush just told them what the wanted to hear. He created the want with some help from 9/11, and then told them over and over again the only thing they needed to hear. That's it. Notice that New York, the state that was most devastated by the event, when two-thirds in Kerry's favour. They're not buying it. But the majority of America is.

USA is no longer about ideals. Each individual is about themselves, about one's own safety. Bush took care of the American conscience too, masquerading the selfishness behind ideals. With every action that Bush takes he is leading America into a hive of fear and villainy. But let's face it, he's just doing what America wants. Bush is merely the aspect of the evolution of America from a country of ideals to a country of selfish egocentricity. The majority of Americans are already there, have evolved over much time, took a big huge leap here and there.

So just remember, as much as we can blame Bush for being a warmongering criminal, he is but a reflection of America and its future.

I'm going out to buy a bulletproof vest.

Phenomenal Cosmic Power!

I do not like deciding people's futures. I'm feel like that's what I'm doing when I choose who I'm going to interview, and who's going to get the job. I feel like that when I have to evaluate my new employees at the end of their probation.

I'm not on the Pro Tour (yet). We are assembling a team for PTQ Atlanta, though!

I'm really losing faith in my Magic abilities, though. I've sucked at the Sealed decks that we have had within the gang. It's not pretty... I'm branded before the slaughter.

Nads wants a new career. I hope she finds it. She was really angry at me for the sleepover at Mark's on Friday, which now even she realizes is pretty crazy.

I discovered Mai Thai's on Saturday Morning. What a great sipping drink!

The Simpsons' new Treehouse of Horror sucked so bad I wanted to cry. Where are the Simpsons that made me laugh until I hurt?

Times 1, Times 2

I've stolen this from Linda's livejournal. She stole it from smushbox.


Three things I'm wearing right now:
1- Black socks
2- Wedding ring
3- Clear contacts
Three things on my desk:
1- Headphones
2- Mooncake
3- Post-It pad
Three things I want to do before I die:
1- Write a book
2- Learn Japanese
3- Get a Masters degree
Three good things about my personality:
1- I'm loyal
2- I'm easy-going
3- I'm loving
Three bad things about my personality:
1- I'm lazy
2- I'm empathy-challenged
3- I'm unwise
Three things I like about my body:
1- My metabolism
2- My immune system
3- My lips
Three things I don't like about my body:
1- My nose
2- My bones
3- My eyes
Three things most people don't know about me:
1- I don't lie, except to my mom
2- I'm really emotional
3- I'm not Swedish
Three things I say the most:
1- "Well..."
2- "That's retarded"
3- "Okay, but it's your funeral"
Three places I want to go:
1- Japan
2- England
3- Sweden
Three names I go by:
1- Don Tam
2- Ho Yen
3- Don McDougall
Three screen-names I have had:
1 - Thragar
2 - Diaphanous
3 - Sewerrat

I'm walking on sunshine

I don't exactly feel good. I feel like when God was handing out inspiring childhood tales, I somehow was not in line. Tonight at class everyone had pretty inspiring childhood stories, about how they came back to face their bullies, or how they were at the brink of teenage destruction but there was that one adult to bail them out.

I told a shitty, uninspiring story. It was one of two dead dad stories of the night. I couldn't think of a real lesson that I learned from my dad dying. The only effects I could really think of were bad: I don't have confidence in being a father myself, I hate relying on people's help, and the lack of a strong role model just made me try and mesh everyone's identities together to form my own. But of course I couldn't do that, so I thought about it the whole class (I was one of the last to present), and I realized that it did teach me something: that I was going to be different. Sure, plenty of Hong Kong people had immigrated, and plenty had dads still in Hong Kong working to support them, but how many of them were dead? None that I knew of. I wasn't afraid to do anything different after that. Resisting peer pressure was a breeze. I always made the smart choices, possibly because no one was there to rebel against. I've always done things differently or looked at things differently, and that is probably because of the lack of authoritative influence. I hated structured instruction even throughout university and preferred to learn on my own. And I've realized that it takes a lot out of me to try and identify a mentor.

I've always relied on the gang for moral outlook, or what's cool. But they weren't authorities. That makes me feel a bit better about fatherhood, about my potential as a father. I'm going to have a new way to raise my kid, and that's probably okay.