Let's see you dance, sucka, you ain't got nuthin' on me

So, the best thing ever:

http://www.pandora.com

Also good:

http://images.southparkstudios.com/media/sounds/805/DANCESUCKA.wav

In other news, I went to a David Usher concert on Wednesday, by some lucky double-edged serendipity (Richard was too sick to go and Jen did not want to go without him). It was rockin'. Mr. Usher is quite charismatic, and I understand he's eye candy as well, so the crowd was screaming "take it off!" sporadically. He had a chat with us. He sang a bit in Thai. He's very talented. Oh, and the violinist, Lindsey, is kinda hot.

Mark made an interesting observation when we were there... the David Usher crowd is not the usual 15-20 crowd at the concerts that we like. These were all older people... I wonder why. The Phoenix Concert Theatre may just be a place that attracts adults? I have no clue, but it did seem like I was one of the youngest people there.

However, the most extraordinary experience happened after the concert. I was waiting for my bus at Broadview station, when some old lady came to sat down beside me. My mistake, I'm told, is that I make eye contact, and I did accidentally do that. But I looked away really fast. Anyway, I'm looking the other way and trying not to pay attention to her, then she says, directly to me: "I'm the only white person here." I was quite disturbed by this observation, since there were two white people standing right in front of us. I pointed to them and said, "What about those people?" She said something dismissive like "yeah, right" and shook her head, and then proceeded to tell me, for about 15 minutes, about how sad she is and she doesn't know what's happening to this country. She was crying and seemed genuinely upset, so feeling a little sympathy for this racist I sat there and listened. She seemed heartbroken by some event that caused her to drink this night (her breath reeked of it), something about her son avoiding some native film festival. She is native, you see (she told me about 5 dozen times). She also mentioned her daughter, and tried to pawn her off on me until she found out I was married. She told me she's not racist, and that she's usually a very nice person and lets travelling freeloaders stay in her house and she's going for hurricane relief training next week. She seemed to think that it was the most surprising thing ever that I've been in Canada for 18 years. I didn't have the soft look in my face, she said. Eventually (it seemed longer than usual), the bus came, I arose to get in, and seeing that she didn't get up, I felt bad and turned around and said "bye". Then I sat on the bus, and saw that she got on a bit later, sitting somewhere in the back. I tried to ignore her mostly, feeling guilty about not going over and talking to her, since she cried the entire time. About ten minutes into the bus ride, while the bus was stopped at a red light, she tossed a ring at me (I was shocked and just reflexively caught it) and said, "Here, give it to your wife or something", and then proceeded to throw some tantrum including some expletives at the bus driver to let her off, and how she can't take this anymore, and something about the country maybe, and then exited the bus.

I'm not sure if I should exactly qualify her as crazy, but I have no idea what else to say about her. She was clearly distressed, and I couldn't provide any comfort, probably because I was in so much discomfort and partly because she was ranting about immigrants, a group to which I belong. It was just extremely weird, and some more guilt was attached to the fact that I got some material gain out of the exchange. For what reason? I have no idea.

My heart is yours to fill or burst

Edit: Here is a good example of irony.
http://www.snopes.com/humor/mediagoofs/sixpence.asp

I'm drowning in the spicy juice of vindication.

One of my pet peeves is that the average person misuses the word irony. They simply don't know what it means, and popular media propogates its misuse. Simply put, people have no idea what irony is. Of course, I have always used Alanis Morissette's ever popular song, Ironic, to demonstrate my point. Most of the situations she describes are not ironic. Rain on your wedding day? That's unfortunate. Bad planning - maybe. Ironic? No. Good advice you just didn't take? That's just stupidity, or maybe stubbornness. Once again: not ironic.

Recently, Sabrina notified me of this anecdote (I'm paraphrasing):

She was sitting near a class that was just beginning, and it turned out to be an English class. The prof began the lecture by playing Ms. Morissette's Ironic. After the song was done playing, the prof told the students to go home and rewrite the song so that the situations are actually ironic.

Something came to me though. What if the irony of the song is the title? I started thinking about it, and I decided that Alanis just wasn't that smart. And some lyrics in the song support that... "Isn't it ironic/Yeah I really do think". Plus, there's nothing to suggest that she was playing a clever prank on the listener.

Don't misunderstand - irony is a hard concept to explain. Don't misuse it if you don't know, though. It was explained to me by one of my english teachers/professors as:

The perfect inversion to what one would expect.

I will illustrate (this isn't the best example - it's hard to create irony, which is what makes it so great):

Someone walks into an Adult Video store, and later walks out with only a Pixar video.

He moves in circles of friends who just pretend that they like him

This just in:

liquids help you get over sicknesses faster.

I was at the worst of it last night... I couldn't eat, so I resolved to do the only thing I could: drink. I downed almost a litre of delicious chicken broth (thanks to Nads), and just pretty much drank non-stop until I was full. Then, every time after room was cleared, I'd drink two more glasses of liquid. Any liquid. Nads was very helpful during this whole thing and took care of my every need. The downside of this strategy is that nature called about once every hour and a half to two hours. And during the night, I would not wake up until I had to go badly. It was all worth it though! Stupid sickness! Take that!

All those dirty words, they make us look so dumb

My total lack of self-awareness was my undoing again last night. I don't understand how my guard comes down.... I only wish they had told me that I act like a total ass when I play Settlers previously, for I surely would've said "no, remember, I'm an asshole when I play Settlers so we shouldn't play". I am so ashamed... I did not realize that Settlers just wasn't one of those games where you can be vindictive... maybe I've played too much wrestling. I'm not sure what I should've done at that point. Nothing I could've done would've had any impact on the rest of the game. I think I'm just supposed to sit there, roll the dice, collect my resources and just wait for the end.

It was enough to bother me. I tossed and turned over it the entire night... I must've had about 2 hours of sleep. What was weird was that as I thought more and became more ashamed and angry at myself, I started coughing... and coughing. Throughout the night I couldn't stop coughing any more than I could stop thinking about it. Some kind of powerful psychosomatic symptom? I'm a little sick now.

The second blunder, which also shames me, is that I had not thought to invite Linda into the fantasy hockey league. I really had not even considered that she would be interested... she just wasn't that big a hockey fan, I thought. I should really ask anyway. I mean, I did ask Richard anyway... what the hell...

All in all it was pretty much the crappiest night in a long time, as the Leafs lost in a shootout to Ottawa again. Being temporarily first in the pool is of very minor comfort.

I fell out of bed laced with spit and sweat

It has been a marvellous week. I've wanted to post here since Tuesday, but I just somehow never got around to it. It's not like my days and nights were jammed pack. It was just one of those things that time hides from you.

Monday night was quite the adventure. After having dinner at Jack Astor's, we drove to Peterborough to have cake chez Mark's mom (did I mention she is a nice lady?), and a bottle of wine later we were at E-LAN. I got destroyed at UT2004 as usual, and even finished last a few rounds despite Chris not having played the game before. Yeah.... yeah. Anyway, it was fun times and I can't believe the madness of the plan, on a work night. I had some foresight despite not knowing the plan and took Tuesday off.

My presents from the gang were pretty spectacular. They got me a bunch of random stuff from the dollar store: Tic Tacs (my breath smells?), a coiling snake, classic bazooka gum, a pumpkin doll, a bingo marker, a 2005 Orlando Bloom calendar, a flower doll... I may be missing something, but if I am, it's only because it's so completely random and I don't have them in front of me. In addition (as if that wasn't enough), Richard made me a CD entitled "D-Day", which has a lot of my current favourite songs on it. We listened to it on the drive to Peterborough and it was rockin'! What really amazes me is that he managed to remember me mentioning all these songs... often I would just ask him what the song/band was that sings the song with such and such lyrics. The joys of a Shuffle. It was touching. He also gave me UT2004, which I still suck at a few days later. Mark got me a Naruto poster of Haku and Zabusa, and a deck of Naruto cards. I don't have much of a chance to play with cards but they are fun to look at. Haku is the bestest and I'm still deciding where to put the poster... I think my office will be the best place. Linda had not ordered the tshirt she was going to get me, but she made this little paper proxy of me, complete with the chin scar and heart-mom tattoo, with a paper shirt. She was going to get me the "Jesus is f***ing metal" shirt, which I must admit is pretty awesome, but she was afraid that Nads would be offended by me wearing it (which is likely), so she's getting me the "Rogues do it from behind" one instead, which is also the awesome. Also, Linda always seems to get me a nice card for every occassion.

That just gave me an idea: Smack-talking cards. "Sorry I pwned you in UT2004. I hope you get well soon."

Chris got me NHL 2k6 for the PS2! I drafted my fantasy Leafs franchise (led by Iggy). The game has quite a few interesting improvements that make it more fun and realistic than previous years. I recommend it to all hockey fans. Nads, as usual, got me something even though I specifically told her not to get me anything, since I've combined several of my upcoming and previous presents into the LCD monitor that I got. She got me the Tori Amos diary/biography/collaboration thing with some journalist. I haven't paid attention to Tori (I'm a bad fan!) in much too long, even though I still think her songs are awesome and she has very intelligent lyrics. All in all it was good times.

Tuesday I stayed home and chillax'd (sp?) and played around with my presents. Wednesday I celebrated with the NHL... poor Leafs. It looks like I will be heartbroken this year. Thursday my mom took me out to dinner at China Buffet King. Of course, my mom's friend Amy was there to serve us. She's a nice lady as well... very chinese. She gave us these vouchers that took $13 off the meal. She got me a job at the China Buffet King up north when I was a teen as a bus boy, and I always wonder how much she had to look out for me. I didn't do a very good job... I wasn't a very good bus boy at all. I wonder about the other staff too... if they were all looking out for me because I was a kid of a friend of a co-worker, or whatever. I wonder about the kindness that got me here.

Pray to God for love and hope

When I started recording my thoughts here and decided to make it public, I was careful to focus on my thoughts or feelings towards a person, rather than what they've done or focusing on them. Recently, I have been much less careful. Even though I don't feel it is shameful to state my thoughts on any particular person, maybe not everyone reads it the same way. To me, this journal is something to use to evaluate me, but I suppose people can pass judgment on the people I write about.

So, even though it never occurred to me that stating Richard lies would be somewhat shameful to reveal for him, I have strayed and perhaps gone too far in this public forum. I will not write any more perceptions about him, though he is part of the gang and thus occupies some significant portion of my thoughts. But I don't want to hurt him or cause him stress. On the other hand, I welcome people to speak out their thoughts about me.

Phantasm this weekend was great. Mark and I failed to invite Linda... how does this keep happening? I always assume he's going to, especially since they hung out on Thursday. And years of training. I think the weekend was significant for Mark, and he seems a lot happier afterwards. We played some UT2004 at ELan and that was fantastic too... Mark was a maniac with his shield gun.

Mark's mom and Bill were so nice and were great hosts as usual, and gave me a bottle of her home-made wine to boot! Also, kindness award also goes to Chris for helping me pick up Keith's gift from stupid Brampton. I really tried to look for it elsewhere and I feel really bad, but I'm glad my back is so covered.

You're irresistibly wrong

The cover of identity. It is the Post-Modern plague. The condition has existed since society formed out of chaos, but only in the last century or so has it ever been identified as a problem. And you should be aware. It is a problem.

Sometimes we go to great lengths to provide a cover and reinforce our identity. There was an Undergrads episode about it. He became the guy who wouldn't leave his room, and eventually he wouldn't leave his room to keep his cover, even though he did want to leave his room. The lengths we go through breaks all logic. Richard will sometimes lie just to maintain his cover. He's getting a lot better about it, but it's amazing. Partly it's also because other people reinforce our identity. Just this morning Nads said to me: "You like wine? Who are you? What have you done with my husband?" And in order not to disappoint others' conceptions of our identity, we try to keep it cohesive and intact. We don't know what will happen if people find out we're not always the same person, that you can't count on us to be the same person (at all levels) at any given moment. Unfortunately, our identity is fragmented. Lacan's theory. Good old Jacque.

What really worries me about his theory though (if it is correct) is this part that he calls the Real. The part that can't be represented through the symbolic order (ie, can't be represented with any tool we possess). This means that each of us faces the Real alone (as we can't express it), and I don't think everyone can do it.

Anyway, things are returning to a precarious equilibrium. I'm sleeping more soundly, Richard is returning to work, and Mark and Linda are hanging out again. Equilibrium is sneaky though, and life may be shaky before week's end.

I write these stupid words and I love every one

I can't understand why the argument last night was bothering me so much. I think it's because Linda pretty much flipped out. I finally resolved it this morning when I decided that I'm just not going to argue with her anymore... it's really not worth the stress to her. I actually managed to stay calm, which is unusual when I have arguments about logic.

The argument was about whether Snatch Arrows was an ineffective feat for her to take. I understood her argument about her defense being good and it wouldn't be effective, if it was a defensive feat. But I think my argument is still sound. Snatch Arrows lets her catch thrown weapons and throw them back at her opponents. That's turning a defensive feat that she already has (Deflect Arrows) into an offensive feat. It allows her to get an attack of opportunity every time someone throws a weapon at her. Just to make sure I was understanding that correctly, I asked her if she could use it every time someone threw something at her, even if they don't hit her. I don't think I communicated the fact that it was an offensive feat correctly, and she now thinks I'm stupid or something. She (and Chris) decided that I just didn't understand the math and started explaining it to me (I was trying to be polite and not interrupt). Getting to use your attacks of opportunities seems pretty good to me.

Anyway, all in all I still really enjoyed the evening. Getting loots, gaining levels, and getting to play Isaac again! Man, I can't wait to grapple something/one, or bull rush them off a cliff, or net and bash them. It's funny how the weapon specialization mechanic has worked out for D&D, I think. The whole point of focusing on a single weapon is to differentiate fighters from each other... having a signature weapon sort of thing. But every figther specializes now (and it's very detrimental not to do so... Weapon Spec and Improved Weapon Focus/Spec are just amazing). I purposefully made Isaac to be the exact opposite, so that he can focus on weapon versatility, but he's really suffering. I don't know what to do with his feat selections since nothing seems as good as Weapon Focus and Spec. I could probably be doing double the damage I am doing now if I went a regular fighter route. Not to mention the party rogue has a better hit bonus than I do (and can do waaaaaay more damage when sneak attacking).

I should be sleeping like a log

More restless sleeping. Last night was guilt-based again. Two nights ago was terror-based. Three nights ago was just hella disturbing. I'm beginning to think I'm a terrible person and that my endless nightmares are some kind of punishment from a conscience that isn't in control, like a rebelling teenager in an academic environment. We tried sleeping on a makeshift bed made from our couch cushions laid onto the floor and in front of the AC last night. It worked for Nads. I don't know if a new bed will help me... I hope the solution is that easy.

I'm so worried. I'm sending out my guardian angels a lot these days. I think I will finally get my review tomorrow. What a relief, but I also think it will be disappointing.

My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating

Wow... I just went through some settings on my blog... finally I found where to control my stupid timezone. Also, I didn't notice that only blogger.com members could post, so I've changed it so everyone could comment. In addition, there's some word verification thing to help me stop comment-spam. Hurray! I also messed with the layout a tiny bit... nothing big yet, but I feel it needs to change.

I had weird kung-fu dreams again last night, as Nads would call them. This time, I did know kung-fu, and it was the only thing that was keeping me alive against two invincible (at least, invincible to me) demons that were trying to kill us (Nads and I... she knew kung-fu too). Besides, that, I only remember bits and pieces... almost falling off Niagara Falls, cleverly setting up decoys in a hotel room and furtively sneaking away, deciding what to bring with me, a martial arts tournament, in which our team distracted some rival team with mention of food, and a frustrating experience at a convenience store. I woke up way early because of it.

When these impossible odds are laid against me, I usually wake up either because my mind starts questioning how I've survived this long (as was the case this morning) or because I reach a frightening point that gets my adrenaline pumping (which is usually the case with my action-oriented dreams).

I don't understand how the last card is played

but somehow the vital connection is made

A word to push onto the overused stack: interesting. It means a wide variety of things, including the exact opposite. "That's... interesting" really means "please shut up about it". Does it hurt interesting that we've turned its meaning into its arch-nemesis? Someone should get to the bottom of this.

I'm getting upset at how short-tempered Mark is being with Linda. Yes, she can have biting remarks but I feel she is never mean-spirited about it. But Mark's responses are downright hurtful and rude. It was really different when they just used to argue about stuff... then Linda would at least be arguing back. Now, Linda makes a comment, Mark yells something mean at her, and she does not respond. I guess that is an indication of how much it hurts her. He needs to stop before there is no return. And I can empathize with his situation... his temper is probably shorter because of his sleep depravation, but I can't excuse him forever. He must be able to think long term. He's way smarter than that.

I know all the games you're playing, cause I play them too

The connotation of this line would be so different if I were the one to say it.

Ringtones are a new, indirect way to express our feelings. The Rogers commercials have already suggested as much. It seems that every year there is a new way for us to do so, but is expressing indirectly healthy for us? Why do we seem to need an increasing number of ways to express ourselves?

Cell phones also bring up the issue of conformity for me. You can tell conformity is a huge issue with cell phones by the desperate race for customization amoung all the phones. Realtrax, assigning different tunes/pictures to different callers, wallpapers, etc. It's all subtle and indicative solely through the need for individualization. It's like dancing in your own crazy way. Are there any left brave enough to conform to something fully and not have it threaten their identity?

I know I'm all wrapped up in sweet attrition

I was working for the army of evil... and my squad was stationed at some suburban house. The leader of the squad was this fly... thing. We first went to a warehouse to fight a squad of the forces of good. We ended up getting our asses kicked but suffered no casualties. Back at HQ, the leader was asking why we lost and the other lackeys were like "it's useless", etc. and I suggested that we get a Death Knight (a laWarcraft 3) so that he can heal us (well, those of us who were undead... I was not) and eliminate their advantage (which was healing). So the fly summons a death knight the next night, and I was in the van with my bag, which I knew had everything I cared about. Then I overheard some lackeys arguing with the death knight outside. Apparently, the death knight wanted to leave his horse here but the lackeys thought he should take it with him. Realizing that this death knight is retarded, I exited the van and watched it drive off.

I hung around the house for a while, and at some point I felt a fly zip into my eye, underneath my eyelid. Annoyed, and perhaps not thinking it through, I started squeezing it (while it was still under my eyelid). It was impressively hard to squish, which was when I realized the fly was really the leader guy, so I squeezed harder and he was squashed. Trying not to think about what that's going to do to my eye, I proceeded to hang around the house.

I was all worried that I had left my bag o' everything in the van, but then I found it by the computer. I was just chilling at the computer, deciding to leave the army of evil, when three of the lackeys unexpectedly made it back from the assault. One of them had a hand grenade launcher, and I immediately knew he was coming to get me. I grabbed my bag and ran for the back room (this is where my adrenaline started pumping), and I opened the window... except it was those stupid three layered windows. The window, the easy-open mesh, and a mesh that was glued on. I manage to rip the top and bottom of the glued mesh but I couldn't get the middle and the guy was so close to the house. I struggled with all my might and dove out the window just in time. Then I woke up.

Anyone can make what I have built

I got my IPod Shuffle yesterday. I wear it around my neck and I'm never taking it off. There is no time like Super Burger Time. I don't think I had nightmares last night, but somehow I still woke up too early/often.

Seems that we've grown older and time has beat us

The players:
Debbie (some blond woman, friend, aspiring musician, manager of one of the clubs)
Debbie's husband (my good friend)
Debbie's father (overlord of several strip clubs in TO and other cities)
Me (a close friend of the others, aspiring musician)

The plot:
I play a gig at some venue, and had an okay crowd as far as a local aspiring artist goes. Deb sets up a gig and only 2-5 people attend (I feel horrible). After some encouragement from me and her husband, she decides to give it her all and performs. A couple of days later, Deb's father decides that he doesn't need managers at each of the individual clubs in Toronto, and he could just have one general manager for all of them.

The conflict:
The father decides that the GM is going to be me (I feel horrible). I spend the rest of the night tossing and turning about what would be the right thing to do, as the announcement would be sure to crush Deb and I really didn't want her to have to accept losing her job/demotion on top of the poor showing at her recent gig. Deb's hubby protests with the father but it is futile. For some reason he thinks it is a good idea and he likes me for the job.

Yes, this disturbed my sleep enough to make me really tired today. Why can't I have normal, zombie nightmares like regular people?

Making love to you was never second best

The problem with using song lyrics for titles is that I always then want to type the next line in here. I'm doing it anyway:

I saw the world crashing all around your face

Another problem is that I never want to use the same song twice, but there are some songs that are just so good. What a world!

Linda actually replied to my letter... my heart overflowed with joy. She even asked me about my opinions, which makes me feel bad about the whole experiment thing and I'm going to drop that whole thing. Are my insecurities bothersome? I suppose they must be. But how can I help it? Eeyore and I are linked.

Mark is coming over to install the All In Wonder replacement (that's right.. I scored a TV Tuner out of this)... hopefully all goes well.

Of every waking hour, I'm choosing my confessions

Okay. I refuse to read another random blog until the exponential growth of blogs that are clearly just advertising vessels cease, and reversed. It's not bad enough that I get blog spammed, but now it's like trying to find warez on the internet. I'm just waiting for the day I will get popups that I can't close from these fuckers. Grrrrr.

Who’ll make a man out of me?

The concert started out a bit slow. We arrived in the middle of David Usher's set.... completely missed Jesus Was My Girl. Le sigh. But then Sloan came on, and they were rockin'. Chris Murphy is the penultimate showman. At one point he ran around the inner (standing) area of the arena and pointed to all the seated sections and made them cheer... and then ran back through the standing crowd back onto the stage, which started the revolution. Having previously been contained in their seats, he decided to invite everyone down to the standing area (like the ushers could stop us!) and the concert went from good to far out from there. And of course, there were lots of jump kicks (while playing the guitar) by Mr. Murphy. He had some drumming antics as well, which were hilarious. Then came Finger Eleven. The lead singer was on some serious drugs. One of their band members (bass or guitar player?) seemed completely extraneous as he was just randomly throwing his instrument around and flailing his arm at it once in a while. And the lead singer left the stage a few times (to call 911?). Unfortunately, they played almost everything from their new album and only three songs from the better album, and not even the best ones. That's right, they didn't play Tip. Good Times was completely radical in concert though.

With that in mind, I've developed some kind of secret tech to putting on a good concert: max(enjoyment of songs people may not know) + total hardcore rock(songs that everyone knows) = fantastic concert. This could be as big as the theory of relativity, folks. You saw it here first. I think the main reason the Sloan show was so great was that even though I didn't know some of the songs, I still had a great time because they were constantly having fun on stage.

I created a gentleman pirate wrestler (of course, the gentlemanship is just a veneer) on Saturday, which took forever, and I haven't even assigned his move list yet! Do we really need 154 eyebrows to choose from? Anyway, the game's enjoyment will skyrocket for me once I have my own wrestler so it will be worth it.

I just finished Tactics and I started FF IX. Oh my god, I am so in love. Except for Steiner (I named him Raws), he can pretty much just go to hell at this point. But everything else: so good. I spent an hour playing the card game... this better not be another blitzball.

I had a series of three tragic nightmares last night (3BB). Okay, they weren't that tragic but they disturbed my sleep enough. The first one was my mom totally flipping out and banging on our door and Nads getting really pissed and was going to confront her. At that point my mom had set off the fire alarm and removed an extinguisher and was banging on the door with it, until firemen/policemen came to drag her away like a crazy person. That dream was from guilt, I'm pretty certain. The next one, I had a fight with my dad. He was just waiting for me in front of my door. I didn't want to hurt him, but in the end he forced me to stomp on his face and then he gave up. A little while after he told me he was proud of me and that the fight wasn't serious, and I felt a bit better. The third nightmare was a bit bizarre. I was part of some group at a swimming pool, and we had divided into two teams, and each team became this gang in a play (think West Side Story in the pool). For some reason Linda did not want to get in the pool and I was going to comfort her but Mark was already doing that so I thought I'd best not interfere (is this a recurrence of what happened when Leo ran away?). Anyway, as the musical proceeded, there was another girl I knew (but I don't know her in awake-world) and for some reason she was thrown down and her swimsuit ripped open, bearing her boobies for all to see (although I didn't see them, I was paying attention to something else). Needless to say she was traumatized and I took her indoors to comfort her. Then she asked me to find out who the boys were that did this to her, and to my advantage I had the cast list. However, since I didn't see it happen I still had no faces to put to the names, and my task was more difficult because they were now playing a game that involved flying (real) spaceships around and I had no one to interrogate. Eventually, the girl and I were in a van, and some other girl who was in the gang was driving by in a UPS-like van, so I quickly got out and jumped in so that I could ask her if she saw what happened. She gave me the names I was looking for, but just as she did, the traumatized girl drove her truck, flipped in a ditch and crushed some children and was no where near the culprits in question. I was very saddened that she took her life and that I was a complete failure at comforting her.

Imagine what my body would sound like slamming against those rocks

I saw that episode of Futurama again last night. Yes, the most profoundly sad episode of Futurama ever. Poor Fry. You'd never think love from a cyclops would be so hard to obtain.

I've been reading random blogs. It is a lot like Russian roulette... for every five duds you get one winner (loser?). I did find one really amusing post at http://purplepowwow.blogspot.com though. Working in thrift store sounds like an adventure. There are some blog crimes out there though, that I hope never to commit. Some of them are:

1) Clutter your page with crap. Do we really need every inch of space filled with content?
2) Blogs about politics. You are about the 1 billionth person to post on any topic concerning politics. If you live in California, all your opinions about political issues are void. The whole state is like America's one big publicity stunt... it's sickening.
3) Blogs by parents. All they do is talk about their kids. Orbit some other planet.
4) Stupid truncations. Like u r 4ever going 2 b stupid.
5) Blogs from the point of view of pets. It was amusing when the first person did it. Stop now.

I spoke with Linda two nights ago. I forgot about not injecting myself into the conversation... I hope I'll remember next time. I am totally feeling like dog poo that she received an invitation to the concert too late. I can't believe Mark was so stubborn that he didn't even invite her yesterday. I mean, it'd be too late, but it'd still be better than not inviting her at all.

It's 2:15pm and no one has told me what the plan is for pickups. We are the superstars of planning. For the first time in a long time, I was completely bored yesterday. I just sat around trying to decide what to do to cure my boredom for a long time. It didn't help that the PS2 was in use and I really wanted to play Final Fantasy Tactics. I'm so close to the end.

A playdoh mask, a million miles to go

Another thing about person blogs that I've noticed: Everyone seems to think their life/observations are crazy, but it's all pretty much the same. I've seen some of this stuff in movies, books, shows... somewhere. I know my thoughts aren't unique. They're also incompl.

I worship all your handsome words

One thing I don't do in arguments that seem rather popular with other people: Tell the other person to leave, or make myself inaccessible. I don't like to hurt people, I guess... maybe I crave reconciliation. I mean, I can see situations where I would want someone to leave, but they would have to be very extreme and not something silly like an argument over trivial things. Maybe I just have more foresight than most people when I'm in an argument, but I don't ever want to say things that will put a relationship beyond repair.

Eric Lindros for 1.5 million. What the heck are the Leafs doing?

Things are worse on the Richard front. Still, I have hope it will be better. He must decide to beat it. He must. Mark and Linda are still not in the best of terms, despite my best efforts. I'm not sure when Mark became so intolerant of Linda's difficulties, but it seems irrational. He claims he just doesn't want to deal with her anymore, but he's being just as unforgiving as she is. Why waste our little time together on this? I don't know. I can't get enough time with them and I can't imagine wasting it being angry.

Don't believe that I wouldn't dare to go and take you right back, baby

I realize that in my last post I had left out Jen's animal. I had thought about it in that shower, but I couldn't find one that fitting... it doesn't help that I don't know all that much about animals (much of my knowledge comes from Disney cartoons). I think I came to the conclusion of an ape.

Last last Saturday, on my way to the streetcar I was accosted by a crazy person. He was clearly talking to himself as he walked down the street (in the opposite direction), but I didn't think he would bother me... I hoped it. So, of course, he stops right in front of me and starts talking to me about trains. At first I was polite and stopped to listen, but as the minutes wore on I started to displace myself. He followed along, talking about trains - how they work, what they're powered by, their velocity. I'm not sure his facts were completely accurate. Near the streetcar platform he subtly asked me for bus fare so I gave him a token. We said our goodbyes and I boarded the streetcar. I'd like to think that I gave him the token out of pity and not fear, but in retrospect I should never have given him the token. I really shouldn't encourage this kind of behaviour from crazy people.

You are the perfect slug, the perfect slug, the perfect slug

Eight days a week is not enough to show I care

Today in the shower I found the answer to the ever important question: what animals would we be if we were all animals?

Nads - Lioness
Mark - Tiger
Linda - Cat
Richard - Chameleon
Ellen - Sloth
Me - Dog

I was hanging on a tree, unaccustomed to such violence

If there is one truth to my life, it's that bad things happen to my computer. I feel terrible about it... when Mark was installing the new ultra-l33t fan for my video card, he accidentally scratched it and he is replacing it. Knowing the financial strife he is going through, it is not a good feeling. I tried to convince him to wait until he has a job but he says he feels bad. And round and round we go.

I think what I need to get me back into focus at work is to do a huge project. I'm going to do a large project, that's final. I still need to do some practice questions on the Google Code Jam.

So, I'm going to stick with the family structure that's in my head in regards to the gang. I think we're headed through rough times, and some members of the family don't like/don't talk to each other or whatever, but we're still a family, right? I have to believe that? I don't really know... it's really upsetting me (I can feel it in my stomach). I suck as a mediator.

Something Mark told me got me thinking though... is Linda's recent bonding with me some attempt to make him jealous? I hope not, but I don't know... I am a tool, as she likes to proclaim. That leads me to wonder why I think it would be okay anyway, just because she is important to me... even though... it hurts to even think about it. Eyeore never had it so good.

Regarding Richard's situation... I think he is at a point now where he can either take complete control of his life and his past or let the disorder crush him and derail his life. Having grown up with him I realize it'd be all too easy for him to succumb and go back to the way his life was before Jen (thankfully) walked into his life. She totally has the right idea and the right motive. But I think Richard needs to do this part on his own. Just deciding which direction to go, and realizing that he can definitely control enough parts to make things go that way (even if he doesn't know how). Tony Robbins stuff, I guess. Faith. Fear and Trembling.

Cause the sun will come through, anyday now.... anyday

I'm still in the funk. I don't understand what it is... I've totally lost the zest I had for my job. It's not a bad job at all. If it wasn't paying so poorly it'd be a great job. Something is wrong with *me*. I'm distracted, overly tired, and knowing that Richard has his anxiety disorder makes it even worse. Knowing that Mark is into money problems makes it worse. Knowing Linda would quit the D&D group if it wasn't for me makes it worse. Knowing I'm not very productive with my review coming up is making it worse. My stupid computer issues are making it worse.

The revelation that Mark and Richard used to complain and be downright mean about each other behind each others' backs is also kind of disturbing. It makes me wonder what kind of shit they've said about me. I guess not everyone can have my flowery lenses. It's also extremely difficult to properly converse with Richard when he brings up Linda. He can't understand why he can't win with her, and I can barely control myself and keep myself from releasing all my fury. But, I manage to keep calm with thoughts like, he's sick and terrified right now, it's probably not the best time to confront him.

I think this is the whole problem with the gang's group dynamic: Everyone has been really nice to me. All the horrible stories I've heared about how they treat each other... none of them are directed towards me. I don't really understand the protective veil that's been shielding me from these horrors, and I'm not even sure I'm glad to have it. Maybe I'm so dumb that I don't realize when people I care about do horrible things to me. I'm like that puppy you can just keep kicking but he'll still come back.

Say my name, sunshine through the rain

Chris' place is beginning to be that magical place where fun happens, like Mark's place used to be. In a way, being in the city (and everyone having cars) will never be the same though, because we have no excuses to stay over. Not that Linda enjoyed staying over very much, but there is a certain camaraderie that happens when you wake up with the same people and hang out with them some more... I can't explain it any better than that. I would lose hours of sleep and be cold as hell on Mark's floor, but it was all worth it in the end. Good times.

Linda called me a tool for women. It's kinda true, I guess. I question the fact that it's for all women though... am I? I don't know.

Tell me is it the way that I touch you?

I have this bump on my head. I think something bit me there but I'm not quite sure. Anyway, it doesn't look too good. Maybe it's a tumour.

It's been really stressful at work lately... things keep going inexplicably haywire.

I'm excited about this Daggerspell Siblings character concepts that Linda and I are working on. It'll be fun making up memories and interacting with each other. There will be a mad fight over who gets the magic daggers, though, boy.

With the story arc near an end in the current campaign, there may be an opportunity to play Isaac again. Man it'll be great to play him again...

Cause every door and window is closed

I've decided what to do. It's a good feeling.

Richard and Mark are disgruntled about going to Chris' house to play because it takes longer to get to, but we never start playing until 8 and none of us usually care that much about getting up. Plus there's much more room there and well-conditioned. Not that I ever minded Linda's place, but she seems to want to play at Chris', so I don't see the issue.

I tried out Nightmare chess last night. What a blast! There were some key moments including when I played fireball to use my bishop to blow up his Queen, three pawns and my other bishop. What a busted card.

I don't ever want to feel, like I did that day

The recent computer stupidness I've been suffering through will be termed and put into a book in the Bible. When a modern Ramses refuses to let the Jews go, he will experience what I'm going through right now.

I think I am going to be overflowing with sadness and guilt. I have been so negligent towards Linda and she has been feeling left out of the gang. All these years we've been together and she still doesn't have faith that I'd never abandon her. We had one of our randomly long palavers, except this time she was the one who initiated it. I knew something was wrong when she asked about Nads. =P

Our conversations are bizarrely one sided, not that I mind. And I think I'm positively being paranoid here, but all we talk about is her. I mean, that's what I want to talk about, because I want to know more about her, but she never asks a single thing about me. I throw out some random things connecting myself and the topic just to locate myself in the conversation... next time I won't mention a single word about me and see how it goes. It's interesting as an indicator of what she thinks of me, I think. She did say she wants me to be happy, though, and that makes me feel great.

I am having trouble sleeping. Declaring this comes with a great level of guilt, as I'm sure it's nowhere near what Mark's been experiencing for the past year or so, and I feel I have no right to complain. Something is not right with me, though. I'm entirely fucked up in a fundamentally cosmic way. And Linda just told me something that I will never forget. I want to cry and hurt someone when I think about it. Heaven help me, I really don't know what to do.

I hope your rules and wisdom choke you

I am so addicted to Battlefield 2. As usual Mark and Richard has me hooked and they're busy doing other things so I'm left to play alone (online) all the time. However, still fun. I'm just discovering the joy of Special Forces... it's like taking your first baby steps.

I had a close encounter with my computer. It started smoking like crazy and there was a burning smell. Thank God it turned out to be just the power supply, and I replaced it with an uber-quiet one. Go thermaltake! It was cheap, it has connectors for future expansion, and it has more power than my previous one.

Someone recommended that I try out Maple Story. It's free, it's anime, it's an MMORPG, so I'm going to check it out. I was hoping for more Secret of Mana-esque style of play, but it doesn't look that way from the screenshots. Still, how can you argue with free? I don't know about this business with having to log in to their website (not the game) only with IE, though. Everyone knows Firefox is where it's at.

... wow. This entire post was entirely too Penny-Arcade.

Tell me what you need to hear and I'll tell it to you again

I'm so messed up. I've been getting less and less sleep lately, and what sleep I've been getting is not restful. I am the object of tangible pressure... it is literally weighing me down. Enough with the dramatics, I suppose.

Linda likes me when she's completely drunk. This is what I've determined. And she won't remember it the next day. I've started thinking of Nads, Linda, and my mom as my personal "Three Tragedies". I find myself speculating on this sitcom-esque situation has come about, that the three most important women in my life are at odds and generally making my life a miserable hell.

My rapidly sinking mood is not visible - it never will be. Nads tells me that she just gets calmer as stuff is happening to her (e.g., if she is choking she barely makes any noise or motion), I guess I am the same on an emotional level. Even if it was visible, who could do anything about it? Nads can't simply because she is part of the pressure.

As it is sandal season and thus the revelation of many feet, I find myself looking at people's feet and trying to discern something about them... So far the only thing I've been able to achieve is to be more confused; why do women do such horrible things to their feet (I assume from high heels and similarly unhealthy footwear)?

Hell is just around the corner

Does this mean hell == Radio Shack?

The recommended pronounciation for forte is fort. How completely mind-boggling. They need to decouple sounds and meanings as much as possible, I think, and not create more homonyms. What a wacky, wacky world (word?).

We rode on horses made of sticks

There is something about being in a funk that is... compounding. The people you are cheering for lose, you start losing every game you play, and the words I can't loom so near. Something about it is also appealing though, some part of me just wishes the streak would never end. Maybe then I'd have an excuse to quit, or I'd be such a tragic character that people may shower me with attention.
Being a manager is a tough gig, unless you're not human. I sympathize with my lackeys and I hate to pressure them and I'd rather foster them instead of criticising. Having to talk to them about disciplinary action is part of what I signed up for, though. I want them to succeed.

Tag team, back again

With another test!


Which Naruto Character Are You?
Test by naruto - kun.com

there's nobody around for miles

The nature of internet journals, personal webpages, and the like are intriguing to me. I guess I'm metablogging this in some way, but I'm sure it's been done a few million times already. Society has gotten to the point where our validation comes from these utilities.

It is a natural and effective progression in the evolution of human needs. We need to be validated, and we need people to be witnesses to our lives in order for that to happen. Computers has made that relation more efficient. No longer are those two acts coupled tightly and inseperable. They have provided a layer in between the need and the witness. Now, I can post something and feel validated, while someone may or may not witness it at their own convenience. None of this "getting together" stuff.

For example, Linda uses her journal to convey her cleverness to validate her identity. Acceptable. People read it, they respond, they care - whatever, but it has nothing to do with how clever she feels when logging her thoughts. Ellen's new website (which is what triggered this line of thought) is great. I like reading about her in a format that is convenient to me. It carries tons of personal facts that encapsulate her identity and existence. Yay for her. I use this blog as a way to force myself to write, even though sometimes I wish someone would read it, so that my validation would be authentic.

Sometimes, like this post here, I catch myself writing to a non-existent audience. Sometimes I catch myself bringing up this blog to someone - just a casual throw into a conversation, but no one asks to read it. It's just as well, for they may get bored quickly.

i guess you caught me lying to myself

Do you know how much you scare me when you tell me you may no longer love us
the tremors shake loose
the debris; my adhesive
is not as strong as you.

It's all in my head but she's touching his chest

Nads read me a couple of chapters of some book that deals with past life regression. I think this may be something I'd like to do... someday. Go under hypnosis, that is. It's got me thinking a lot. For example, of all the people that we know, what ratio are simply people we knew in a past life and our souls searched each other out?

And what about my immigration to Canada? What if that was just my poor lost soul reincarnated in the wrong place, and searched out my past life-mates over in Canada? I wonder if I knew the gang in a past life, and if something can explain my constant sense of rejection from them.

I mean, there are not very many people I can talk to. I listen to them attentively, but I usually can't remember a thing they've said afterwards. I'm very interested as they speak, too, but I guess it's all discarded away as inconsequential. But the gang... I could listen to them talk all day. About nothing, about Tekken, Magic, Linda's job... it doesn't matter. Maybe we died together, some place, some time.

You are my candy girl, and you got me wanting you

The weather is finally turning out nicely. I hate everyone.

We are fighting dreamers

I've taken my first steps to learn Hiragana, finally. Hurrah!

Workouts... I've done pretty much nothing. Sigh. I'm not keeping up with Spiritual Hero either... must rebound!

Summer is slowly approaching. Although this season is usually a godsend for guys because of the skimpy wear sported by our opposite sex, I find that it's actually worse for eye candy (literally). The problem is that people often wear sunglasses at this time of year, and thus I can't see their eyes, which is what I usually like to inspect. On the other hand, I do like to wear sunglasses so that people can't see that I'm staring into their eyes like a freak.

How does it feel to feel?

Tony Moseley, the artist of Zogonia (www.zogonia.com) posed an interesting question today: At what point does an adventuring party bring more loot into the dungeon than bring out of? He thinks level 11. If Richard was DMing it'd be level 20 (maybe), but I think for regular campaigns you should hit that threshold at about level 9, presuming you kept all the stuff you were given.

Jump up jump up and get down!

I'm addicted to tests.

Well Ballanced You scored 71 %Lefty and 75 %Righty!

Congratulations, you have well developed skills in both hemispheres. You see an abundance of ideas and you can easily make plans without getting lost in possibilities. Both the details and the bigger picture are obvious to you. You can relate to almost anyone, and understand their perspective. Undoubtedly you are good at anything you set your mind to. It may also be possible to hypnotise you.

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 69% on Lefty You scored higher than 66% on Righty You scored higher than 48% on Divergence

Link: The Left or Right Brain Test written by vincex on Ok Cupid

How stupid is it? I can't talk about it, I've got to sing about it, and make a record oh!

How stupid is it, won't you give me a minute, just come up to me and say hello?

I watched a Korean horror film entitled "The Wishing Stairs". It's about this mysterious 29th step that appears occassionally (well, all the fucking time, really), and grants a wish to the person that finds the 29th step. It's an interesting concept, and pretty much classic Asian horror, with more suspense and storytelling than actual in-your-face horror. I enjoyed watching it once, but the first half of the movie was entirely about the friendship of the two main girls - that was truely horrifying to watch.

I have an unhealthy obsession with Tekken.

English Genius You scored 100% Beginner, 100% Intermediate, 93% Advanced, and 93% Expert!

You did so extremely well, even I can't find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don't. You have an extensive vocabulary, and you're not afraid to use it properly! Way to go! Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it! For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 73% on Beginner You scored higher than 72% on Intermediate You scored higher than 54% on Advanced You scored higher than 98% on Expert

Link: The Commonly Confused Words Test written by shortredhead78 on Ok Cupid

But we only have 24 hours to save the Earth!

Two occurences of note this week:

On Wednesday night I had the worst nightmare I ever remembered having. I apparently screamed "HELP!" clearly in my sleep. Usually when people sleep they mumble and are not clear in their speech... the dream was very real.

I came home from a roleplaying session early on a Monday night, and instead of going up to Nads I decided to play around in the mud outside the building. I slid around, and it was fun, as the mud was so slippery that I managed to glide around on my behind with very little effort. The darkness was a little worrisome but the ease of motion kept my mind on more sapid things. A woman came from somewhere, with stockings, and she was a bit muddy too and walked into the building and I thought it was time to finally go up, and that Nads would be a bit upset at me for getting mud all over my socks. The front doors of the building matched those of my own building, but the hallway layout and stuff was my mom's building.
I entered the elevator with this other woman, and she was averting my gaze, hiding behind her long blonde hair. Our eyes met once during the short ride. There was also a young girl and her mother in the elevator. The elevator stopped on the first floor - I am unsure of whether I knew that - but I got out of the elevator in a hurry as I often do. At that point the little girl started burning this incense and her mother warned her against bothering people. The blonde woman held the door open and started to mutter and chant. I hurried around the corner, out of sight, and walked faster.
Out of the stairs came this brown haired woman with a long nose. She hurried towards me and I tried to run away. I couldn't identify her, and I desperately searched her face for a match with someone I am familiar with. But my vision was blurry and I desperately clung on to the fact that I didn't know if she was a friend or foe. She said "Wait" and I replied "Do I know you?" all the while walking. I almost reached my door. Except as I approached it I realized that I was on the first floor and not the eigth! I fell, weak and she reached me, and started rubbing a rib underneath my arm - closest to my heart. I was paralyzed instantly as she started chanting, and that's when I cried for help hoping one of the tenants of the two apartments near me would help me.

Thank goodness Nads was there to save me.

The other weird occurence is this intense headache that I have. It started yesterday and has persisted through until today. I have never had a headache this bad.... it usually disappears after I sleep. It could be a tumour.

this could be heaven, this could be hell

Well, I can't really count my resolutions broken, because I've been dying for the last couple of days. As it is, I still have much of the will to continue... I have the japanese learning CD ready to go.

I hate being away from work for more than a day... I feel like I have so much catching up to do.. oy.

Mediator You scored 27% physical, 50% magic, 38% versatile, and 61% good!

Your talents lie not in strength or magic, but your ability to get your way through talking to people (and sometimes other things.) You prefer to avoid fights and can often work your way out of them. As the name implies, you are also good at regulating disputes between other people, preferring peaceful resolutions to combat. But in a tight spot, you can also destroy enemy morale. You're handy to have around, but unfortunately there are times when talk will simply fail.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 14% on physical You scored higher than 61% on mystical You scored higher than 34% on versatile You scored higher than 53% on good

Link: The Final Fantasy Job Class Test written by Artscrafter on Ok Cupid

T.S. Eliot! You scored 16 Demeanour, 0 Debauchery, 0 Traditionalism, and 25 Expression!

You're a perfectionist. You believe that perfection is possible. You even demand it from yourself. There are many ways of doing things, it's just that your ways are better. You're usually a little pissed off that the rest of the world isn't as perfect as you are, so you alternate between citicizing it and mocking it. Occasionally, you let your softer side show, but not very often. You're probably a cat person. Your masterpiece is "The Waste Land".

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 6% on Demeanour You scored higher than 1% on Debauchery You scored higher than 1% on Traditionalism You scored higher than 8% on Expression

Link: The Which Famous Poet Are You Test written by Torontop on Ok Cupid

my favourite poet! What are the chances!

Wolverine You scored 80 Hero Points!

The badass from Xmen. You're real name is James Howlett , but you dont know that. You hang out with the Xmen but only really to bang Jean. You can heal and have claws that extend from your knuckles. They make a cool can opener

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 68% on Hero Points

Link: The Which Superhero/Savior Are You Test written by Etchelion on Ok Cupid

Maybe you're scared to say "I'm falling for you"

New resolutions:

• Go through a bit of the Japanese learning CD everyday
• 20+ push-ups/day
• Write a bit into http://spiritualhero.blogspot.com/ everyday
  

I know you know, I see you smiling at me

Don't go dead on me
I need you here to breathe
to hold me when I cry
to ease me when I bleed

Giving up Tekken was a hard thing to do, but I'm glad to see her so happy about her costumes and everything.

There's something about skating, and being on the ice, that threatens to isolate you, despite the number of people around you. I'm usually pretty spacey, but being on the ice just amplifies it. Maybe it's the repetitive motion, but I always want to reflect like the surface below me.

Get on your bikes and ride!

I will say, I can treat you to dinner, if that will make it worth your while.

And I will feel worse.

I need you here to breathe

How do you tell someone that doesn't care?

I am a bad person. I am a house full of condiments and no food. I moon over people not calling or caring but I never call nor write either.

I am Jack's mutilated ego.

Taste her fuller every day

Take the quiz at dicepool.com

You are a good old-fashioned six-sided cube, otherwise known as a d6. Others know you to be plain, predictable, conservative, average, ordinary, and downright boring. You prefer to describe yourself as dependable, honest, practical and trustworthy. People usually know what to expect from you, since you rarely hold any surprises. You hate to make decisions, and if forced to decide, you'll always fall back on how it was done in the past. You always order the same thing at your favorite restaurant, and your jokes, while funny, are never too offensive. It seems that you are well liked, but maybe that's simply because there's nothing to hate.

Unicorn You scored 40% Esotericism, 34% Power, and 24% Malevolence!

The unicorn is a legendary animal. It is usually portrayed as a slender, white horse with a spiraling horn on its forehead, although its appearance and behavior differs, depending on the location. In the west it was usually considered wild and untamable, while in the Orient it was peaceful, meek and thought to be the bringer of good luck. There it is usually depicted as a goat-like creature, with cloven hooves and a beard. In Japan it is called Kirin, and in China Ki-lin. The word "unicorn" is based on the Hebrew word re'em ("horn"), in early versions of the Old Testament translated as "monokeros", meaning "one horn", which became "unicorn" in English. The creature is possibly based on the rhinoceros or the narwhal, a marine creature with one horn.

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 24% on Esotericism You scored higher than 32% on Power You scored higher than 31% on Malevolence

Link: The Mythological Profile Test written by LacedWithASmile on Ok Cupid

All you have to do is fall in love

I'm back on a Queen kick. Bicycles and Fat-Bottomed Girls forever!

I just took this test over at http://www.gone2thedogs.com/
It seems supernatural that I am a Lowchen (petit chien lion), which is in the family of Bichons (BeBe is a Bichon Frise). When pruned and clipped, this dog resembles a miniature lion, and is good-natured and intelligent.

He's got nobody left to believe

Somebody left an old rusty bike chain onto the sidewalk today. It was extremely rusted, and the rust tainted the snow around it. I felt sad as I walked past it.

I'm trying desperately not to develop a complex over this, but... I'm so weak. I asked Linda if she still wanted to hang out tonight even though we have no session, and she replied "To do what?". I never have an answer to that. To me, my goal is just to hang out and spend some time with her, so I figure we'll figure something out. But I think I'm just too boring... she still can't imagine anything we can do together. I'd be happy doing anything, but she wouldn't. It made me very sad, even though I know that is just the way she is. "If you'd like", "I don't know what we'd do though". Daggers.

Just put your tiny daggers in my heart.

I also had nightmares. I'm not sure if it was related... I had a little trouble sleeping after that. I dreamed of some great evil that a group of innocents (including me and apparently Nads) were trapped in, and I couldn't save them all. Nads told me that I was freaking out at night and I screamed her name and it scared her. I curled into her arms and went into another nightmare.

Every night I burn, every night I scream your name.

I'm so lucky to have her. I suffer the guilt of someone who knows that they are getting better than they deserve, and yet still want more.

There's nothing you can ever say, nothing you can ever do

Signs of depression that I possess:

Change in sleeping habits--too much or too little; waking earlier than usual
- too little. I also wake up abnormally early on days when I shold be sleeping in

Change in appetite or weight
- I've been losing weight, which was already a dismal 120, pretty much nonstop for six months. I'm down to 113. I may disappear soon.

Doing things more slowly or very rapidly (speaking for example)
- I do both of these. Sometimes I'm just heavily shaking when trying to do something. Sometimes it's hard for me to get my thoughts together to speak.

Feeling tired, loss of energy
- Well, I think everyone exhibits this one.

Inability to concentrate, confused, slowed thinking, indecisiveness
- Inability to concentrate is a new one that worries me... sometimes I can't focus on what people are saying. I'm still pretty much never confused, and I'm slower than I was before, but that could be age. I've been indecisive forever.

Feeling of worthlessness, self hate, guilt
- 3 fragments of my being.

Feeling hopeless and helpless
- I'm very optimistic, I think, but I am often helpless.

Self neglect--not bathing or changing clothes--a change in hygiene
- I'm decently hygenic, but I can't pay attention to vitamins and fruits and crap like that

Excessive drug or alcohol use
- Does World of Warcraft count?

Thoughts of death, suicide wishing to be dead
- I often have thoughts of death. I try to imagine the funeral, and how I want everyone to be happy. I sometimes think about what would happen if I was never born at all. Would the gang still have a fourth? Who would it be? I don't think of killing myself, I must say. And I don't so much wish to be dead rather than having an opportunity to die for people I love, to forever authenticate how much I care about them.

But when everybody loves me, I'm going to be just about as happy as can be

I am Jack's inflamed sense of rejection.

Mark is under extreme depression as I speak. And I am helpless. I am keeping vigil just in case he responds, as I have made very lame attempts to communicate, but I don't think he will. Even Linda tells me I can't help, even though she asked me to. I'm afraid. Somehow I forgot about his volatile state... he seemed to be okay yesterday. He was never comfortable with speaking to me about anything personal, so I realize I definitely can not be any help and may only hinder... but maybe if I remain vigilant.

It hurts me that Linda is so upset and worried, as well. She is my authority on Mark, really, and she has seen him depressed before. If she thinks it is serious, then I can't hope to reason otherwise. Writing in this journal at this moment feels like a sin. Although this event has made me realize that I want so badly to do stuff for my friends precisely because I am so utterly helpless to aid them in any way.

I really hope he is okay. I wish I could tell him that he could rely on me. That I'd pretty much rather ride in his car then any other. That I wish I am as smart as he is. I want to say it, and have him believe me. I can't remember what I wrote to him in my wedding note... I wonder if he believed that. Could the fact that it was in writing change anything?

If I were you I'd go

The secrets are horrendous in me.

There's something about receiving actual mail that will never be replaced by anything electronic. I love getting mail that isn't a bill or spam, and opening it. I think that's the real crime of having your mail opened. You don't get that moment of anticipation - why would someone write to me in this digital age?

I'd sacrifice anything for the sake of having you near

I just had the most amazing weekend. It is one that I think I will remember for the rest of my life. Linda spontaneously spawned a plan on Friday for us to leave Friday night to Ottawa, stay at a hotel, and skate along the Rideau Canal. I missed skating so dearly! I haven't skated for about 7 years despite my love for it. Linda was teaching Mark and I how to skate backwards, and we skated for hours. On Friday night we left my house at 10:00pm. The drive was estimated at 4 hours, but it took a little longer than that. In the car we managed to entertain ourselves with conversation about Warcraft, and pretending we were in different horror movie scenarios. We got to our hotel at about 2:30am and we stayed up and watched some infomercials. The pillows at the Chateau Laurier were really amazing... I had a good sleep but I could only sleep about 4 hours from the excitement. Linda woke up half an hour after me, but I didn't want to wake Mark so I explored the hotel a bit. There wasn't too much there... a few stores, some loud children. When I returned to the room Linda and I left Mark to sleep and visited the stores. She bought some postcards and then we sat down and talked for a while, which was great because we hardly have a chance to speak alone. The thing that sticks out in my mind about that palaver is my sense of pride?... admiration, maybe, of her morality. On Saturday, after skating, we went to eat at this yuppy Japanese-Chinese "fusion" place called Kinki. There I had my favourite alcoholic concotion ever - the Emerald Dragon. This is why I get Linda to pick drinks for me! Everyone seemed to enjoy it even though it was pretty expensive. We noticed that Ottawa is a pretty wholesome place, and that all the girls that work at the establishments are all above-average in looks. I could scarcely believe it. We left Ottawa at around 9:15pm, after visiting a chocolate factory and a used book store (Canada's largest!). I bought Nads a chocolate rose (I am so glad Nads didn't make a fuss about me going on this trip). There was a decent selection of books, but no Sartre. That's like a house full of condiments and no food. On the way home Linda slept for a bit (I battled very hard and bitterly to stay awake), and then we sang some songs (including Bohemian Rhapsody!) before we realized we could sing along to actual music with Mark's I-Pod. We rocked out. Hard.

My muscles still ache from carrying the bags while skating the whole time. My heart ached a bit when I thought about the cost of the trip, and on the drive home and it was going to be over. The cold seemed colder, then, and I felt exhausted. Was it all from the lack of sleep?

I also need to amend my last post... Through our conversation I learned that Linda is actually seriously in debt. I told Nads that I wish I won the lottery so that I can pay for Linda to get her aviator's license and a job being a bush pilot and pay off her debts, and Mark a new car. I can't really imagine what to get Richard, because he seems to just get everything he wants. I'd probably get him a complete entertainment system and a tricked out computer or something. Nads told me that that was a waste of money and I should not spend my winnings like that. She claims that's how people go poor. I said I would happily be poor if that means I can fulfill other people's dreams, and that it's pointless for me to win the lottery except to do so. She still doesn't understand that they're my family, I guess, and I can't blame her.

The one you said I could do without

This comes on the heel of another reading of Linda's journal. And inquiries into one of the entries thereof... more personal information for my insatiable appetite. During our conversation, she caught me trying to be sly instead of asking directly, and she proclaimed that I am so transparent. I told her I am, and that's why I'm diaphanous.

I sometimes think about financials. I was never the richest of the gang, but now I'm pretty sure I'm the most poor. Linda mentioned that she had $3000 in her savings! I was always worried about her the most, and I would tend to buy Linda stuff or pay for her at dinner or anything like that (well, for Linda more than anyone else, I mean). And she's always mentioning how she shouldn't be spending money. I am so proud of her that she has so much saved up to pursue her dreams, of going back to Sweden and things like that. I will of course continue to support her any way I can. Every month I am barely scraping together enough to make ends meet, and that doesn't really worry me, except I am not as free to do things like spontaneously buy people gifts. Although the poorer I am, the more I want to do things like that. It's often worth it, anyway. Richard is of course very stable right now as well, although I am worried about his spending habits. He has a lot of extra income right now and he has always just bought everything he wanted. And even when he didn't have his own income his mom would support him. Mark... well, I don't know what kinds of straits he's in now, but he hasn't worked in over a year, and I'm not sure he's eligible for unemployment since he worked for a company located in the States. I think he has a lot in investments though.

I have some weird makeup that makes me want to know every single detail about my friends. Something's wrong with my cocktail.

Have you got any other jumps I can hoop through?

I'm curious. Maybe nosy. It's tough to tell the difference, but I really want to know everything. My thirst for knowledge about things, especially my friends, is insatiable. I'm some kind of... personal information vampire. I'm sure at least partly it's because I'm so starved of it... I hardly know anything about anyone. Often it's because I'm forgetful, so it all seems like news to me. In any case it empowers me with a sense of worth in relation to them, that I have this knowledge.

Given the choice, I will always follow the white rabbit.

Every smile you fake, every claim you stake

Whether it's because I am a single child who had a busy, rarely home single parent growing up, I entered this "family" phase when I was 15. Almost every girl I met, and with my closest guy friends, I wanted to name our bond "brother" or "sister". I mean, some of my high school mates did this too, and they were quite needy. We eventually had this family tree that didn't exist but in words. We cared about them as youths do. I read Stranger in a Strange Land and was enamoured with the idea of a Water Sister, and I got one. How strange these relationships may have seemed to the girls involved. I feel like I should apologize.

When I was 16, or Grade 10, I went through a drastic change. I abandoned trying to be popular with everyone, I hated being a fob, and I went through the usual rebellion and search for authenticity that most kids do. I was goth in a true spirit - I wanted to be alone, and to find out who I can rely on, if any. I entirely rejected who I was only a year ago.

Then I met the gang. The sequence of events I'm proposing here may be disorganized, so if anyone tells you different, they're probably right. Well, I had met them before through some BBS meets and stuff, but it was at this time that we started to roleplay every weekend. And we started doing other things, of course, like going to concerts (something I don't do anymore), or Swedish fairs. And ever since then they have become the closest people to me (except, of course, for my wife. My mom is a bit different, in the way that our relationships to our mother usually are). But it never occurred to me, until this past birthday when Linda gave me a card with a note that says you'll always be our little brother, that they really are my family. In the wake of the backlash against my tendency to try and create false family ties, real ones had developed. Even though I never thought of it that way, I felt that deeply for them. Another reason may be that I never trusted my acceptance with them, something that I'm not sure I'll ever get over, but something that may not be entirely bad. It certainly keeps me on the best behaviour when they are around!

I said "You look so fine and I really want to make you mine"

I realized how aptly I named this blog when I broke down and bought World of Warcraft. I am a huge Blizzard fanboy but I had resisted all this time because of the monthly fees and because I knew the game would consume my life. And now it has. I can't stop thinking about it... I want to be home and play.

The worst thing is, I was really having fun with Knights of the Old Republic. I guess I can play that when the server is down or something like that. And I'm sure I can't play WoW for too many hours straight.. right? Oh boy. I'm reading the manual on the bus... I'm looking at community sites when I'm at work. It's almost all I can talk about.

I am supposed to be interviewing someone right now, but it looks like they're not showing up. Bummer.

But I really think it's better this way

The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care.

Vince Carter needs to go to basketball hell. His character is almost of a vile sort. Though certainly not evil, his utter lack of professional principles should convince teams to leave him with no place on any team forever. When he first came to Toronto, we worshipped him. We made excuses for him. We bought his merchandise. And he didn't even give us his best. What is worse is that he suggests talented people do not have to try hard, which is one of the worst messages you can send to the youth who are supposed to love the game. Sports heroes? Don't look at basketball. The proportion of ego to ball size is greater in B-Ball than any other sport, and that is a tough title to win, considering the silly endzone dances they have in football.

We walked the narrow path, beneath the smoking skies

Such sweet poetry.

I am an awful mess. I haven't done anything good for anyone lately, and it leaves me with a spiritual dread in this time of tsunami's(sp?) and child kidnappings. I mean, I've donated like every other decent being on this earth, but still... I'd like to do more for those around me, you know?

Well, of course, in particular my friends and Nads and my mom, but even people who have been peripherally nice to me... like my Godmother Teresa. I didn't even call her to say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year and such.. I'm such a horrible person. Perhaps I should make a resolution. It feels like that kind of moment.

I'm on a roll, with all the girls I know

I had an interesting discussion about authenticity last night. Of course, this is a discussion I've had many times, and my position on it is difficult, to say the least. It's hard convincing people that the authentic self that everyone is looking for is not our instinctual selves, but rather the modified self. For example, someone who tries to correct potentially annoying behaviour because she cares whether she is annoying those around them. Let's say she wants to say something, but doesn't. I would argue that this person hasn't betrayed her "natural" (authentic) self at all. She *is* that filter. We are our minds, and that is what separates us from beasts. In general, I think we must believe that we are our modified selves, or that we could never improve and that we are slaves of instinct and habit. I am quite aware that I do not act the same way with everyone, but that is because I'd like to act in the way best suited to the person I'm around, and that is me. I like to please, or I'm happy when others are happy. Whatever you like.

Richard cancelled on our session at the last minute last night, again. I was already on my way to Linda's house, in fact. We still had a fun time, playing this new game called Lunch Money, but it was rather annoying. I am bothered by two facts about this incident:

a) there was no advance notice
b) Richard has given different reasons to different people

I'm exhausted. I can't remember if these kinds of things always happened before, or somehow our dynamics have changed into this retarded environment. He told Sabrina that he was to work early and didn't want to stay out late, which is something he left out when he talked to Linda. He told Linda that he just didn't have anything prepared, and he had not known we were playing so he didn't want to prepare it, and he didn't want to spend his holidays preparing it. There are a lot of valid reasons in there, and I could accept any of those (except that he didn't know if we were playing, because we play unless someone cancels), if he told us in *advance*. Linda said she got the impression that Richard feels like he's the victim in all this, which just makes it worse, because he'll be on the defensive. I don't think I'm going to touch this one.

We went to MexiTaco and I asked for some hot sauce. The waiter/proprietor/dude prepared some and as he put it on the table he told me "You're on your own". That could explain my stomach turbulence this morning.

Mark and Linda got into another argument last night, with Mark threatening to leave and Linda telling him to do so. Mostly I just sit back and try to let them resolve it, until Mark was gathering his stuff, then I tried to saying something. The argument was about how Linda's Meloku deck was pretty much entirely Mark's creation and he tells her that "a smart person would do this". Linda has mounting frustration over the poor performance of her deck and is enjoying Magic less. So I said that in the end we really just want her to have fun and no matter what we say and how we come across, we still want that. And if the changes we suggest will make her enjoy the game less than by all means ignore them. Things calmed down eventually, but I still think Linda was unsatisfied by the end of the night.

I got home at around 1 and Nads and I talked until 2:30am. I got five hours of sleep.

It hurts me so to see you go 'round with someone new

There is something about Court shows that are just sick. Having spent a couple of weekdays at home, and with Nads subjecting me to them, I realize why I hate them so much: the courtroom is a place where the media should not go. I don't care that it is only small claims court. The principle is appalling. Consider someone who is writing in a private journal, and the same person who writes in a private journal on national TV, where every individual in the country can see what that person is writing. The entries, I hypothesize, would not be the same. No one should have to sit in court and have to wonder whether the judge is saying things or acting a certain way because s/he has a national audience.

On to brighter news, I really scored with the gang! Mark got me this hot World Series of Poker set with amazing quality chips. I'm right now trying to do the chip shuffle that the Pros always do, but I'm having some difficulty. Does anyone have any tips? Linda got me this high quality Puma made Maple Leafs touque! Now I can look dorky in style. And Richard gave me this ultimate edition Cassern DVD. I can't wait to see it.. it looks pretty awesome. Richard and Jen also gave Nads and I a napkin holder and napkin pack. Pretty handy.. maybe they noticed that we seriously lacked napkins last time they were over? Hmm...

This only adds to my hosting anxiety. I try to be a good host whenever people come over, but I can't help but feel that they're bored or whatever. I try desperately to entertain, but I'm pretty horrible at it. I also attempt not to feel hurt when people leave early, but people like Ellen and Sabrina always do. And they usually leave to go somewhere else. I realize that people have things to do... I guess I'm just used to the gang because we always hang out until the witching hours.

I'll get back up and we can do it all over again

Merry Christmas everyone. I'm still terrible at this blog thing.. I can't believe it.

I had an decent Christmas. Relaxing and filling. I had to spend like 2 days in Brampton though, which was quite dreadful, since they only have dialup at my in-laws'. I had to do some shopping online through said dial-up... I wanted to shoot myself.

I am grateful for all the presents I got... the heat fan is making my life so much warmer. I got another nice sweater from my parents in-law. We're having our gang's celebration tonight.. I can't wait! They always get me things that are just for me. I mean.. well, the sweater is just for me, but it's not what my heart really wanted, you know? I didn't wake up any day of this year thinking "Gee, I wish I had a new sweater". Shantz got me something spectacular... Dark Tower book VI! It is the prettiest one thus far. The cover makes me want to do somersaults. Keith got me a Maple Leafs hat. Sweet. Oh, and of course, as a combined Christmas/Birthday/Valentine's present Nads is going to get me a video card. I can't wait for that. Anyone want my crappy old GeForce 2? Can you donate stuff like that? Hmm.

I'm usually more than a bit worried about what I'm getting for other people, too. I mean, I would not want to get a bad gift for anyone. Nads always tells me what she wants so it makes it a little easier. For Linda I got the Draconomicon, which is really pretty and I'm pretty sure she mentioned it being cool, but nonetheless - I'm worried. Richard and I got Pirates! for Mark, and I got the Creature Collection III for Richard. For Keith I got $25 Australian. That stuff is so cool.. can't wrinkle, hard to tear, and perfectly impossible to counterfeit! I want to give everyone the best gift ever!

Finally someone let me out of my cage

I feel like I need to make some blanket statement about life to become wise. Some kind of catchy observation should propel me into stardom.

I am constantly amazed at the support I get from people. I don't understand how I can win any Dale Carnegie awards when I am in a room full of great people. I don't understand how I can win any roleplaying awards when Mark understands his character so well and Linda's backgrounds are always so incredibly detailed (and pictures to boot!). I don't understand why people would want to be around me or talk to me when there are so many interesting people out there. I don't get it, but I'm sure glad it happens.

Another thing I can't understand is people who don't want to excel at everything they like doing. I have a co-worker who I've suckered into playing Magic again, Christopher. He is so poor at the game though, and both Keith and I agree that he has no willingness to learn to play better. I personally want to be the best at everything I do or am. Of course, Chris also isn't the kind of person I'd like to hang out with... he's one of those wannabe know-it-all geeks with no maturity. The things I do for Magic.

Call me a geek, but I'm totally excited about Java 5.