I've given you sunshine, I've given you rain

This is the second night in a row that I've woken up at around 04:30 and have been unable to go back to sleep. How do people function with so little sleep? I don't know how mothers do it. I pump myself full of tea in the daytime so that I can barely carry out the basic functions of a person.

I signed up for raiding Monday and Tuesday, knowing that I'll probably only be slotted one of these two days. This whole raiding business worries me a little... what if I let everyone down? But that's not why I'm up...

I sometimes wonder if the great historical figures ever felt the way I do about things. Did Abe Lincoln ever have an emo trip over one of his friendships? One of the strangest moments in my life happened the other week, when the entire pod was out having lunch (Irene may have been on vacation), and Richard divulged these facts about him and experiences he had that I had never heard before. I felt uncomfortable and false, sitting there, supposedly his closest friend, and yet not knowing any of the stories coming out of him. Revealing and somewhat shocking things I never knew. And here he was sharing it with three other podmates, and me. I felt like someone was going to find out that I didn't know these things and tell me that I'm not really his close friend, that I didn't even know these things about him. Right there, in the restaurant. While I was sitting beside him. I think I managed to contain my shame. That's not why I'm up, either...

It's funny, it also feels shameful to be sitting here, awake at 04:54, knowing you should be in bed. I know Nads would shoo me off to bed, and she is always worried about my sleep. And I fear that she will wake up and catch me like this... so pathetic and out of control.

Tell me what you need to hear and I'll tell it to you again

I'm so messed up. I've been getting less and less sleep lately, and what sleep I've been getting is not restful. I am the object of tangible pressure... it is literally weighing me down. Enough with the dramatics, I suppose.

Linda likes me when she's completely drunk. This is what I've determined. And she won't remember it the next day. I've started thinking of Nads, Linda, and my mom as my personal "Three Tragedies". I find myself speculating on this sitcom-esque situation has come about, that the three most important women in my life are at odds and generally making my life a miserable hell.

My rapidly sinking mood is not visible - it never will be. Nads tells me that she just gets calmer as stuff is happening to her (e.g., if she is choking she barely makes any noise or motion), I guess I am the same on an emotional level. Even if it was visible, who could do anything about it? Nads can't simply because she is part of the pressure.

As it is sandal season and thus the revelation of many feet, I find myself looking at people's feet and trying to discern something about them... So far the only thing I've been able to achieve is to be more confused; why do women do such horrible things to their feet (I assume from high heels and similarly unhealthy footwear)?