We'll crucify the insincere tonight

I am in a wretchedly emo segment of my life. Beware, all those who stand in my way, though it'll be mostly just me, and poor, poor Nads.

Something to understand about me: I will never feel like I am worth someone's time or effort. Even if this person is a salesperson at a shoe store, I feel embarrassed that someone should help me when I deserve nothing. It takes a long, long time to convince me that a person actually cares and wants to help (when it's more than business), and even after that it's very easy, and nearly unavoidable, to break that trust again. I require an awful lot of care and effort.

This behaviour extends online, too. I will try to give gold to people who are helping me, even though I've helped them in the past and in all likelihood owe me a bit of help (but I don't keep track). But I guess that's only with people I like... most of the people on the internet are pretty dreadful.

I wonder what it says about me that I can't really keep acquaintances. If I don't love you in some way, there's pretty much no chance of us keeping contact. I tire of, and fear, transactional relationships. Surround myself with a fence of deep and meaningful relationships, that's the dream. And I can't see outside the fence. I don't want to. I can't think of a single person from any institution or company I've been with that I keep contact with on even an occasional basis, and there is nothing against them. Perhaps if situations were different and different aspects about them were exposed, we would be friends.

Can you be friends with someone and not really want to spend much time with them? Anyone who has bothered to ask knows that if I had infinite money, I would build a luxurious loft/condo complex so that all my friends and I can live on a separate story, with come common facilities where we can do things together. I want them close, and I want to take care of a large portion of their needs. I want to help them fulfill their dreams. I don't think I'd ever pay for everything though, because life starts to become meaningless at some point, doesn't it? Having to pay for things keeps us grounded, and keeps our minds on the sad realities of the world. As I think this I imagine myself lying down on some grassy earth, with my ear to the ground, listening.

I feel myself withdrawing, and I know that I am breaking beyond repair. I am sad every time I have a chance to think. And even though I know my life is pretty good, I can't let go of the problems that beset me. Maybe I'm just spoiled, even though I'm more than thankful for everything and everyone I have.

I want to record this nightmare from the other night in case I forget it. It was really short. Nev was talking to me about something online and I was really tired so I kept dozing off. She was slightly miffed and eventually I just had to log off and go to sleep. However, when I tried to get to sleep, I had to go to the bathroom. At nights I use the bathroom outside so that I don't disturb Jas. As I neared the door to the bathroom, I heard that the tv was on in the living room and wonder why Nads left it on. But it could wait until after, and suddenly I felt this evil, malicious presence. I tried to brush it off and reach for the light switch to the bathroom, but something was holding onto my sleeve and not letting me move. I became really scared and tried to walk back into my bedroom, but I was paralyzed, and not by fear, although it was consuming me at this point. With all my willpower I tried to cry for Nads to help, but only small and intelligible sounds came out. In the real, waking world, however, I made loud unintelligible sounds and I wasn't paralyzed. I was kicking around, and just as the overwhelming fear was about to give me a heart attack, Nads woke me up. My heart raced for many minutes, and slowly came the awful realization that I needed to go to the bathroom. I managed to muster up the courage and go after a few minutes, but I quietly cursed my subconscious. I wasn't in tears like when I had my worst nightmare ever, but I was really, really scared and it took me a very long time to calm down.

The next chapter involves the Watchmen. There are spoilers here, so if you haven't read the book or if you haven't watched the movie, you should skip this section. It is very true to the graphic novel, and for this reason I highly recommend reading the book before seeing the movie. I felt like some of the scenes would not interest anyone who did not read or maybe even enjoy the book. Rorshach translated surprisingly well to screen even with the broken sentence structure. He was a complete badass, and I thank Mr. Haley for doing my favourite character justice. Overall the movie was good, so I'll just cover the three problems I had with it:

It was often overdramatized. Slow motion felt a bit abused at times, even though I realize this is supposed to be the style of the movie, it was a bit jarring at some points. I found myself wondering if they really needed slow motion for that particular shot. Anyway, this was not a big deal in any way.

I felt the way Laurie Jupiter (Silk Spectre) discovers the identity of her father was completely forced (and dumbed down) and I did not feel the way I did when I read the novel. They also didn't spend a lot of time developing or showing Laurie's hatred for the Comedian, so it was hard to understand why she was so upset. Finally, I could have sworn I didn't actually see any tears.

But the thing that bothered me the most was Dan's (Nite Owl) stupid little outburst and lashing out at Adrian Veidt (Ozymandias) after Rorshach is killed. Not only was this defeating the point of Dan's character (he's supposed to be helpless in the face of the events, even though he is a masked hero with all these super gadgets), but even moreso than that, he very clearly tells us that what Adrian did is wrong. That really violates one of the things that makes Watchmen great, which is the ambiguity of ethics and the weird morality that exists through the entire novel and culminates with the destruction of millions to save billions. Was what Adrian did right or wrong? That is the question that the Watchmen asks of us, and Dan's little didactic tirade takes that question away.

Otherwise, the movie was good. The score was a compilation of fairly popular tunes, and I felt they might have been chosen for popularity rather than suitability, but I'm no music critic so I'm not really sure if you can count on my opinion on this. The action was visceral and brutal, and the nudity did not feel gratuitous or unnecessary. I'll watch it again.

I guess I should stop rambling. Needless to say I feel like crap. As only when someone you care about tells you “you're not worth the effort” can make you feel.