It's all in my head but she's touching his chest

Nads read me a couple of chapters of some book that deals with past life regression. I think this may be something I'd like to do... someday. Go under hypnosis, that is. It's got me thinking a lot. For example, of all the people that we know, what ratio are simply people we knew in a past life and our souls searched each other out?

And what about my immigration to Canada? What if that was just my poor lost soul reincarnated in the wrong place, and searched out my past life-mates over in Canada? I wonder if I knew the gang in a past life, and if something can explain my constant sense of rejection from them.

I mean, there are not very many people I can talk to. I listen to them attentively, but I usually can't remember a thing they've said afterwards. I'm very interested as they speak, too, but I guess it's all discarded away as inconsequential. But the gang... I could listen to them talk all day. About nothing, about Tekken, Magic, Linda's job... it doesn't matter. Maybe we died together, some place, some time.

I'm on a roll, with all the girls I know

I had an interesting discussion about authenticity last night. Of course, this is a discussion I've had many times, and my position on it is difficult, to say the least. It's hard convincing people that the authentic self that everyone is looking for is not our instinctual selves, but rather the modified self. For example, someone who tries to correct potentially annoying behaviour because she cares whether she is annoying those around them. Let's say she wants to say something, but doesn't. I would argue that this person hasn't betrayed her "natural" (authentic) self at all. She *is* that filter. We are our minds, and that is what separates us from beasts. In general, I think we must believe that we are our modified selves, or that we could never improve and that we are slaves of instinct and habit. I am quite aware that I do not act the same way with everyone, but that is because I'd like to act in the way best suited to the person I'm around, and that is me. I like to please, or I'm happy when others are happy. Whatever you like.

Richard cancelled on our session at the last minute last night, again. I was already on my way to Linda's house, in fact. We still had a fun time, playing this new game called Lunch Money, but it was rather annoying. I am bothered by two facts about this incident:

a) there was no advance notice
b) Richard has given different reasons to different people

I'm exhausted. I can't remember if these kinds of things always happened before, or somehow our dynamics have changed into this retarded environment. He told Sabrina that he was to work early and didn't want to stay out late, which is something he left out when he talked to Linda. He told Linda that he just didn't have anything prepared, and he had not known we were playing so he didn't want to prepare it, and he didn't want to spend his holidays preparing it. There are a lot of valid reasons in there, and I could accept any of those (except that he didn't know if we were playing, because we play unless someone cancels), if he told us in *advance*. Linda said she got the impression that Richard feels like he's the victim in all this, which just makes it worse, because he'll be on the defensive. I don't think I'm going to touch this one.

We went to MexiTaco and I asked for some hot sauce. The waiter/proprietor/dude prepared some and as he put it on the table he told me "You're on your own". That could explain my stomach turbulence this morning.

Mark and Linda got into another argument last night, with Mark threatening to leave and Linda telling him to do so. Mostly I just sit back and try to let them resolve it, until Mark was gathering his stuff, then I tried to saying something. The argument was about how Linda's Meloku deck was pretty much entirely Mark's creation and he tells her that "a smart person would do this". Linda has mounting frustration over the poor performance of her deck and is enjoying Magic less. So I said that in the end we really just want her to have fun and no matter what we say and how we come across, we still want that. And if the changes we suggest will make her enjoy the game less than by all means ignore them. Things calmed down eventually, but I still think Linda was unsatisfied by the end of the night.

I got home at around 1 and Nads and I talked until 2:30am. I got five hours of sleep.

Finally someone let me out of my cage

I feel like I need to make some blanket statement about life to become wise. Some kind of catchy observation should propel me into stardom.

I am constantly amazed at the support I get from people. I don't understand how I can win any Dale Carnegie awards when I am in a room full of great people. I don't understand how I can win any roleplaying awards when Mark understands his character so well and Linda's backgrounds are always so incredibly detailed (and pictures to boot!). I don't understand why people would want to be around me or talk to me when there are so many interesting people out there. I don't get it, but I'm sure glad it happens.

Another thing I can't understand is people who don't want to excel at everything they like doing. I have a co-worker who I've suckered into playing Magic again, Christopher. He is so poor at the game though, and both Keith and I agree that he has no willingness to learn to play better. I personally want to be the best at everything I do or am. Of course, Chris also isn't the kind of person I'd like to hang out with... he's one of those wannabe know-it-all geeks with no maturity. The things I do for Magic.

Call me a geek, but I'm totally excited about Java 5.

Mother Mary won't you whisper?

Linda and Mark came over last night! It hardly matters what they came for, but Linda was *in my house*. I'm pretty certain she didn't enjoy it, and she was sick besides, but I myself am really happy she came. I think Mark had to do some major pleading, but it worked.

We practiced our Team Limited Magic. Wow, is it ever tough. Team Powerpuff managed to put together three decks in an hour and a half, which is about a half-hour than we actually should have. One deck was decent, the other two were... mediocore. We need to start from scratch and try to build them again. Linda and Mark got into a little spat, as usual, but calmed down rather soon. I can understand Mark's frustration, since there were several "You guys should just play with Richard" and similar comments. I can understand that Mark does not want to feel like he's forcing Linda to be on the team. But Linda likes to rub it in when she has the upper hand (or gain it by making it seem like more of an ordeal than it is).

I still feel bad about Richard though, now that he's not part of the team anymore. I don't feel it's justified because he was training someone or something like that, and that's why he missed practice. On the other hand, we'd never get a chance to practice if we waited for him.

Mark also bought us starters for a new CCG, Wars. It's Star Wars, but without the Star. It looks like a pretty cool game... damn him for potentially starting another addiction!

I've started on "How to stop worrying and start living" by Dale Carnegie. I've always been pretty immune to worry myself, so I think I will record my own tips on the matter here. First tip: You can stop worrying about the future by knowing you're going to succeed.

What did the bartender say to the roof when it ordered a beer?

For you, it's on the house.

I'm only 47% Libra. I'm a terrible Libra. I'm a socially defunct, inactive Libra. Some things in the quiz I couldn't quite answer, like "You consider yourself attractive and like to be around attractive people". I mean, I have to answer false because the first half is false. But the second half is true. I should try all the signs and see what sign I should be.... results later. [Results are in!: 53% Scorpio (Linda), 67% Sagittarius (Nads), 47% Capricorn (Richard), 67% Aquarius (Ellen), 67% Pisces, 40% Aries, 27% Taurus, 53% Gemini (Mom), 53% Cancer (Mark), 47% Leo, 67% Virgo (Keith). I guess it figures that I'm more like almost everyone else than myself.]

I feel quite terrible for Richard. Originally, Linda, Mark, and I decided to go to the Team Limited event at Grand Prix Chicago. We were going to be Team Powerpuff, and our hair colours each matched one of the girls made from Sugar and Spice, and everything nice. But then Linda for some reason decides she sucks at Magic and decides to drop out from our team, and so we have Richard in her place. And of course he feels like a replacement or a sub. I'm usually the one left out... I should be. This feels worse than if I were the one left out. I can't help but think part of Linda's motive for dropping out is because she knows Richard wants to be part of the team. But what kind of team name will we have now? I really think Linda is really good under tournament conditions, though, and she has proven that she is better than all of us under those conditions. She's also decided she wants to become a judge... we need a montage of her learning Magic rules.

I am going to test all my diplomacy skills in the world tonight. Nads has previously mandated that Linda not be allowed in our home. I'm going to try to change that, because it's making my life hell. I've never let on how difficult it is, but I hate having to worry if, someday, Mark is coming over to my house and he brings Linda along. Or how I have to avoid the subject of why we can't play Magic at my house. It makes me sad that I can love two people so much and they can't get along. What's worse for me is that Linda is more tolerant than Nads is being, and even Linda wouldn't call herself a tolerant person. Plus, I have to hide this unreasonable stipulation from the gang so that they will not look poorly on Nads. You can't repair that kind of PR, and it will make my social life even harder.

Phenomenal Cosmic Power!

I do not like deciding people's futures. I'm feel like that's what I'm doing when I choose who I'm going to interview, and who's going to get the job. I feel like that when I have to evaluate my new employees at the end of their probation.

I'm not on the Pro Tour (yet). We are assembling a team for PTQ Atlanta, though!

I'm really losing faith in my Magic abilities, though. I've sucked at the Sealed decks that we have had within the gang. It's not pretty... I'm branded before the slaughter.

Nads wants a new career. I hope she finds it. She was really angry at me for the sleepover at Mark's on Friday, which now even she realizes is pretty crazy.

I discovered Mai Thai's on Saturday Morning. What a great sipping drink!

The Simpsons' new Treehouse of Horror sucked so bad I wanted to cry. Where are the Simpsons that made me laugh until I hurt?

I want them spellbound, begging on their knees

So, here I am, guilty of not following through on my own initiative. I can't believe I can't even upkeep a journal... something is seriously wrong with me.

I had a voluptuous weekend. On Saturday we celebrated Linda's birthday. We started the day at Johnny's Burgers (a delicious joint for anyone in Toronto), then headed to Putting Edge glow-in-the-dark mini-golfing (where I reigned supreme!), rediscovered the joys of Skee-Ball at Dave and Buster's (all tickets went to Linda so that she could buy a bunch of girl stuff), took her to her favourite restaurant, and then headed back to Mark's for some hardcore drinking, Magic (can M:TG be hardcore?), and Tekken.

I really sucked at Tekken.

We decided we would all come up with Extended Mono Colour decks and each play a different colour and can play a 5p format that way. I was left with Red or Blue and I'm going with Red. Goblins are the obvious choice, or maybe I can do a Chance Encounters deck. Since we're agreeing to disallow artifacts and legendary land, I think my Drooling Ogres will kick some ass.

We all gave her pretty stellar presents. Mark gave her a foil Yosei, the Morning Star (he traded for mine), a Two Headed Dragon, Ryusei, the Falling Star, and a Plateau. Richard gave her a Spirited Away DVD. I gave her Sims 2, which means we will never see her again. Ever. I also gave her this Monster Manual that I made for her a while back, but I never gave to her. I couldn't remember why, but I remembered after giving it to her. I was afraid she'd just find it lame or stupid, and I think that's what she thought of it. I thought it was pretty good...

Richard and I are talking a little more now... we're sort of united by Magic. Richard and Linda seem to be getting along, bonding over Naruto. Linda claims that all the girls in Naruto are useless in the first 50 episodes, and that spawned an entire day of girls suck hilarity.

A couple of weeks ago was my birthday celebration with the gang and that was great too. We drank and did some hardcore Magic. They all pitched in to get me an entire box - 36 packs - of Kamigawa goodness. It's turning out to be my favourite set so far, so I'm really glad. That's when I opened a foil Yosei, the Morning Star. We did a sealed tourney with those packs, and Mark pretty much won. Nads got me Jesus Christ Superstar on DVD even though I was saving up my present money to get a new video card. Sabrina got me the last book in the Dark Tower series in the ever stylish hardcover. Ellen gave me an Old Navy sweatshirt.. it's comfy.

The week following that I had a good showing at the Sealed tourney on Sunday at 401. I finished 3-4 and got $5 credit. Of course, I opened another Yosei.