In your reflection, he lives in you

Something in me is getting weary of online conversations. Does anyone talk just to talk to one person anymore? Is anyone interesting enough to completely hold someone's attention?

I've sat online just talking to one person doing nothing else, because I'm genuinely interested in these people. I assume I am not that interesting, and that makes me very sad.

(Nads doesn't count cause I talk to her face to face. I guess when you're face to face with someone they have no choice but to talk to you.)

It's all in my head but she's touching his chest

Nads read me a couple of chapters of some book that deals with past life regression. I think this may be something I'd like to do... someday. Go under hypnosis, that is. It's got me thinking a lot. For example, of all the people that we know, what ratio are simply people we knew in a past life and our souls searched each other out?

And what about my immigration to Canada? What if that was just my poor lost soul reincarnated in the wrong place, and searched out my past life-mates over in Canada? I wonder if I knew the gang in a past life, and if something can explain my constant sense of rejection from them.

I mean, there are not very many people I can talk to. I listen to them attentively, but I usually can't remember a thing they've said afterwards. I'm very interested as they speak, too, but I guess it's all discarded away as inconsequential. But the gang... I could listen to them talk all day. About nothing, about Tekken, Magic, Linda's job... it doesn't matter. Maybe we died together, some place, some time.

But we only have 24 hours to save the Earth!

Two occurences of note this week:

On Wednesday night I had the worst nightmare I ever remembered having. I apparently screamed "HELP!" clearly in my sleep. Usually when people sleep they mumble and are not clear in their speech... the dream was very real.

I came home from a roleplaying session early on a Monday night, and instead of going up to Nads I decided to play around in the mud outside the building. I slid around, and it was fun, as the mud was so slippery that I managed to glide around on my behind with very little effort. The darkness was a little worrisome but the ease of motion kept my mind on more sapid things. A woman came from somewhere, with stockings, and she was a bit muddy too and walked into the building and I thought it was time to finally go up, and that Nads would be a bit upset at me for getting mud all over my socks. The front doors of the building matched those of my own building, but the hallway layout and stuff was my mom's building.
I entered the elevator with this other woman, and she was averting my gaze, hiding behind her long blonde hair. Our eyes met once during the short ride. There was also a young girl and her mother in the elevator. The elevator stopped on the first floor - I am unsure of whether I knew that - but I got out of the elevator in a hurry as I often do. At that point the little girl started burning this incense and her mother warned her against bothering people. The blonde woman held the door open and started to mutter and chant. I hurried around the corner, out of sight, and walked faster.
Out of the stairs came this brown haired woman with a long nose. She hurried towards me and I tried to run away. I couldn't identify her, and I desperately searched her face for a match with someone I am familiar with. But my vision was blurry and I desperately clung on to the fact that I didn't know if she was a friend or foe. She said "Wait" and I replied "Do I know you?" all the while walking. I almost reached my door. Except as I approached it I realized that I was on the first floor and not the eigth! I fell, weak and she reached me, and started rubbing a rib underneath my arm - closest to my heart. I was paralyzed instantly as she started chanting, and that's when I cried for help hoping one of the tenants of the two apartments near me would help me.

Thank goodness Nads was there to save me.

The other weird occurence is this intense headache that I have. It started yesterday and has persisted through until today. I have never had a headache this bad.... it usually disappears after I sleep. It could be a tumour.

He's got nobody left to believe

Somebody left an old rusty bike chain onto the sidewalk today. It was extremely rusted, and the rust tainted the snow around it. I felt sad as I walked past it.

I'm trying desperately not to develop a complex over this, but... I'm so weak. I asked Linda if she still wanted to hang out tonight even though we have no session, and she replied "To do what?". I never have an answer to that. To me, my goal is just to hang out and spend some time with her, so I figure we'll figure something out. But I think I'm just too boring... she still can't imagine anything we can do together. I'd be happy doing anything, but she wouldn't. It made me very sad, even though I know that is just the way she is. "If you'd like", "I don't know what we'd do though". Daggers.

Just put your tiny daggers in my heart.

I also had nightmares. I'm not sure if it was related... I had a little trouble sleeping after that. I dreamed of some great evil that a group of innocents (including me and apparently Nads) were trapped in, and I couldn't save them all. Nads told me that I was freaking out at night and I screamed her name and it scared her. I curled into her arms and went into another nightmare.

Every night I burn, every night I scream your name.

I'm so lucky to have her. I suffer the guilt of someone who knows that they are getting better than they deserve, and yet still want more.

I'd sacrifice anything for the sake of having you near

I just had the most amazing weekend. It is one that I think I will remember for the rest of my life. Linda spontaneously spawned a plan on Friday for us to leave Friday night to Ottawa, stay at a hotel, and skate along the Rideau Canal. I missed skating so dearly! I haven't skated for about 7 years despite my love for it. Linda was teaching Mark and I how to skate backwards, and we skated for hours. On Friday night we left my house at 10:00pm. The drive was estimated at 4 hours, but it took a little longer than that. In the car we managed to entertain ourselves with conversation about Warcraft, and pretending we were in different horror movie scenarios. We got to our hotel at about 2:30am and we stayed up and watched some infomercials. The pillows at the Chateau Laurier were really amazing... I had a good sleep but I could only sleep about 4 hours from the excitement. Linda woke up half an hour after me, but I didn't want to wake Mark so I explored the hotel a bit. There wasn't too much there... a few stores, some loud children. When I returned to the room Linda and I left Mark to sleep and visited the stores. She bought some postcards and then we sat down and talked for a while, which was great because we hardly have a chance to speak alone. The thing that sticks out in my mind about that palaver is my sense of pride?... admiration, maybe, of her morality. On Saturday, after skating, we went to eat at this yuppy Japanese-Chinese "fusion" place called Kinki. There I had my favourite alcoholic concotion ever - the Emerald Dragon. This is why I get Linda to pick drinks for me! Everyone seemed to enjoy it even though it was pretty expensive. We noticed that Ottawa is a pretty wholesome place, and that all the girls that work at the establishments are all above-average in looks. I could scarcely believe it. We left Ottawa at around 9:15pm, after visiting a chocolate factory and a used book store (Canada's largest!). I bought Nads a chocolate rose (I am so glad Nads didn't make a fuss about me going on this trip). There was a decent selection of books, but no Sartre. That's like a house full of condiments and no food. On the way home Linda slept for a bit (I battled very hard and bitterly to stay awake), and then we sang some songs (including Bohemian Rhapsody!) before we realized we could sing along to actual music with Mark's I-Pod. We rocked out. Hard.

My muscles still ache from carrying the bags while skating the whole time. My heart ached a bit when I thought about the cost of the trip, and on the drive home and it was going to be over. The cold seemed colder, then, and I felt exhausted. Was it all from the lack of sleep?

I also need to amend my last post... Through our conversation I learned that Linda is actually seriously in debt. I told Nads that I wish I won the lottery so that I can pay for Linda to get her aviator's license and a job being a bush pilot and pay off her debts, and Mark a new car. I can't really imagine what to get Richard, because he seems to just get everything he wants. I'd probably get him a complete entertainment system and a tricked out computer or something. Nads told me that that was a waste of money and I should not spend my winnings like that. She claims that's how people go poor. I said I would happily be poor if that means I can fulfill other people's dreams, and that it's pointless for me to win the lottery except to do so. She still doesn't understand that they're my family, I guess, and I can't blame her.

We walked the narrow path, beneath the smoking skies

Such sweet poetry.

I am an awful mess. I haven't done anything good for anyone lately, and it leaves me with a spiritual dread in this time of tsunami's(sp?) and child kidnappings. I mean, I've donated like every other decent being on this earth, but still... I'd like to do more for those around me, you know?

Well, of course, in particular my friends and Nads and my mom, but even people who have been peripherally nice to me... like my Godmother Teresa. I didn't even call her to say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year and such.. I'm such a horrible person. Perhaps I should make a resolution. It feels like that kind of moment.

I'm on a roll, with all the girls I know

I had an interesting discussion about authenticity last night. Of course, this is a discussion I've had many times, and my position on it is difficult, to say the least. It's hard convincing people that the authentic self that everyone is looking for is not our instinctual selves, but rather the modified self. For example, someone who tries to correct potentially annoying behaviour because she cares whether she is annoying those around them. Let's say she wants to say something, but doesn't. I would argue that this person hasn't betrayed her "natural" (authentic) self at all. She *is* that filter. We are our minds, and that is what separates us from beasts. In general, I think we must believe that we are our modified selves, or that we could never improve and that we are slaves of instinct and habit. I am quite aware that I do not act the same way with everyone, but that is because I'd like to act in the way best suited to the person I'm around, and that is me. I like to please, or I'm happy when others are happy. Whatever you like.

Richard cancelled on our session at the last minute last night, again. I was already on my way to Linda's house, in fact. We still had a fun time, playing this new game called Lunch Money, but it was rather annoying. I am bothered by two facts about this incident:

a) there was no advance notice
b) Richard has given different reasons to different people

I'm exhausted. I can't remember if these kinds of things always happened before, or somehow our dynamics have changed into this retarded environment. He told Sabrina that he was to work early and didn't want to stay out late, which is something he left out when he talked to Linda. He told Linda that he just didn't have anything prepared, and he had not known we were playing so he didn't want to prepare it, and he didn't want to spend his holidays preparing it. There are a lot of valid reasons in there, and I could accept any of those (except that he didn't know if we were playing, because we play unless someone cancels), if he told us in *advance*. Linda said she got the impression that Richard feels like he's the victim in all this, which just makes it worse, because he'll be on the defensive. I don't think I'm going to touch this one.

We went to MexiTaco and I asked for some hot sauce. The waiter/proprietor/dude prepared some and as he put it on the table he told me "You're on your own". That could explain my stomach turbulence this morning.

Mark and Linda got into another argument last night, with Mark threatening to leave and Linda telling him to do so. Mostly I just sit back and try to let them resolve it, until Mark was gathering his stuff, then I tried to saying something. The argument was about how Linda's Meloku deck was pretty much entirely Mark's creation and he tells her that "a smart person would do this". Linda has mounting frustration over the poor performance of her deck and is enjoying Magic less. So I said that in the end we really just want her to have fun and no matter what we say and how we come across, we still want that. And if the changes we suggest will make her enjoy the game less than by all means ignore them. Things calmed down eventually, but I still think Linda was unsatisfied by the end of the night.

I got home at around 1 and Nads and I talked until 2:30am. I got five hours of sleep.

I'll get back up and we can do it all over again

Merry Christmas everyone. I'm still terrible at this blog thing.. I can't believe it.

I had an decent Christmas. Relaxing and filling. I had to spend like 2 days in Brampton though, which was quite dreadful, since they only have dialup at my in-laws'. I had to do some shopping online through said dial-up... I wanted to shoot myself.

I am grateful for all the presents I got... the heat fan is making my life so much warmer. I got another nice sweater from my parents in-law. We're having our gang's celebration tonight.. I can't wait! They always get me things that are just for me. I mean.. well, the sweater is just for me, but it's not what my heart really wanted, you know? I didn't wake up any day of this year thinking "Gee, I wish I had a new sweater". Shantz got me something spectacular... Dark Tower book VI! It is the prettiest one thus far. The cover makes me want to do somersaults. Keith got me a Maple Leafs hat. Sweet. Oh, and of course, as a combined Christmas/Birthday/Valentine's present Nads is going to get me a video card. I can't wait for that. Anyone want my crappy old GeForce 2? Can you donate stuff like that? Hmm.

I'm usually more than a bit worried about what I'm getting for other people, too. I mean, I would not want to get a bad gift for anyone. Nads always tells me what she wants so it makes it a little easier. For Linda I got the Draconomicon, which is really pretty and I'm pretty sure she mentioned it being cool, but nonetheless - I'm worried. Richard and I got Pirates! for Mark, and I got the Creature Collection III for Richard. For Keith I got $25 Australian. That stuff is so cool.. can't wrinkle, hard to tear, and perfectly impossible to counterfeit! I want to give everyone the best gift ever!

What did the bartender say to the roof when it ordered a beer?

For you, it's on the house.

I'm only 47% Libra. I'm a terrible Libra. I'm a socially defunct, inactive Libra. Some things in the quiz I couldn't quite answer, like "You consider yourself attractive and like to be around attractive people". I mean, I have to answer false because the first half is false. But the second half is true. I should try all the signs and see what sign I should be.... results later. [Results are in!: 53% Scorpio (Linda), 67% Sagittarius (Nads), 47% Capricorn (Richard), 67% Aquarius (Ellen), 67% Pisces, 40% Aries, 27% Taurus, 53% Gemini (Mom), 53% Cancer (Mark), 47% Leo, 67% Virgo (Keith). I guess it figures that I'm more like almost everyone else than myself.]

I feel quite terrible for Richard. Originally, Linda, Mark, and I decided to go to the Team Limited event at Grand Prix Chicago. We were going to be Team Powerpuff, and our hair colours each matched one of the girls made from Sugar and Spice, and everything nice. But then Linda for some reason decides she sucks at Magic and decides to drop out from our team, and so we have Richard in her place. And of course he feels like a replacement or a sub. I'm usually the one left out... I should be. This feels worse than if I were the one left out. I can't help but think part of Linda's motive for dropping out is because she knows Richard wants to be part of the team. But what kind of team name will we have now? I really think Linda is really good under tournament conditions, though, and she has proven that she is better than all of us under those conditions. She's also decided she wants to become a judge... we need a montage of her learning Magic rules.

I am going to test all my diplomacy skills in the world tonight. Nads has previously mandated that Linda not be allowed in our home. I'm going to try to change that, because it's making my life hell. I've never let on how difficult it is, but I hate having to worry if, someday, Mark is coming over to my house and he brings Linda along. Or how I have to avoid the subject of why we can't play Magic at my house. It makes me sad that I can love two people so much and they can't get along. What's worse for me is that Linda is more tolerant than Nads is being, and even Linda wouldn't call herself a tolerant person. Plus, I have to hide this unreasonable stipulation from the gang so that they will not look poorly on Nads. You can't repair that kind of PR, and it will make my social life even harder.

Phenomenal Cosmic Power!

I do not like deciding people's futures. I'm feel like that's what I'm doing when I choose who I'm going to interview, and who's going to get the job. I feel like that when I have to evaluate my new employees at the end of their probation.

I'm not on the Pro Tour (yet). We are assembling a team for PTQ Atlanta, though!

I'm really losing faith in my Magic abilities, though. I've sucked at the Sealed decks that we have had within the gang. It's not pretty... I'm branded before the slaughter.

Nads wants a new career. I hope she finds it. She was really angry at me for the sleepover at Mark's on Friday, which now even she realizes is pretty crazy.

I discovered Mai Thai's on Saturday Morning. What a great sipping drink!

The Simpsons' new Treehouse of Horror sucked so bad I wanted to cry. Where are the Simpsons that made me laugh until I hurt?

We've all been in one situation or another we regret

If you don't know which song that line is from, I suggest you find out.
What a perfect, perfect song. The lyrics, the atmosphere, the tune.. it's all there. I'm so glad they're Canadian.

I've been taking this Dale Carnegie course for 2 weeks now (translation: two classes) and I think I'm actually going to enjoy standing up and talking in front of people. I wasn't nearly as terrified as I thought. Next week we have to talk about a significant moment in our lives... I think I'm going to use the moment that I found out what love is. The problem is that the story isn't very exciting. I had an epiphany on a bus ride one day. I don't remember where I was going, or where I came from, just that it suddenly dawned on me. And my mother was the source of it... she taught me what love is. So I guess she's done her job. And at a young age of 17, I tried to discover someone else who would realize the same... but my girlfriend back then, Catherine, was too immature to understand, and we broke up, but of course, that's when fate lead me to Nads. Man, that story isn't going to take close to 2 minutes. Maybe I should talk about the moment I learned about Jacques Lacan's theory of psychoanalysis instead.

I want them spellbound, begging on their knees

So, here I am, guilty of not following through on my own initiative. I can't believe I can't even upkeep a journal... something is seriously wrong with me.

I had a voluptuous weekend. On Saturday we celebrated Linda's birthday. We started the day at Johnny's Burgers (a delicious joint for anyone in Toronto), then headed to Putting Edge glow-in-the-dark mini-golfing (where I reigned supreme!), rediscovered the joys of Skee-Ball at Dave and Buster's (all tickets went to Linda so that she could buy a bunch of girl stuff), took her to her favourite restaurant, and then headed back to Mark's for some hardcore drinking, Magic (can M:TG be hardcore?), and Tekken.

I really sucked at Tekken.

We decided we would all come up with Extended Mono Colour decks and each play a different colour and can play a 5p format that way. I was left with Red or Blue and I'm going with Red. Goblins are the obvious choice, or maybe I can do a Chance Encounters deck. Since we're agreeing to disallow artifacts and legendary land, I think my Drooling Ogres will kick some ass.

We all gave her pretty stellar presents. Mark gave her a foil Yosei, the Morning Star (he traded for mine), a Two Headed Dragon, Ryusei, the Falling Star, and a Plateau. Richard gave her a Spirited Away DVD. I gave her Sims 2, which means we will never see her again. Ever. I also gave her this Monster Manual that I made for her a while back, but I never gave to her. I couldn't remember why, but I remembered after giving it to her. I was afraid she'd just find it lame or stupid, and I think that's what she thought of it. I thought it was pretty good...

Richard and I are talking a little more now... we're sort of united by Magic. Richard and Linda seem to be getting along, bonding over Naruto. Linda claims that all the girls in Naruto are useless in the first 50 episodes, and that spawned an entire day of girls suck hilarity.

A couple of weeks ago was my birthday celebration with the gang and that was great too. We drank and did some hardcore Magic. They all pitched in to get me an entire box - 36 packs - of Kamigawa goodness. It's turning out to be my favourite set so far, so I'm really glad. That's when I opened a foil Yosei, the Morning Star. We did a sealed tourney with those packs, and Mark pretty much won. Nads got me Jesus Christ Superstar on DVD even though I was saving up my present money to get a new video card. Sabrina got me the last book in the Dark Tower series in the ever stylish hardcover. Ellen gave me an Old Navy sweatshirt.. it's comfy.

The week following that I had a good showing at the Sealed tourney on Sunday at 401. I finished 3-4 and got $5 credit. Of course, I opened another Yosei.

Should I commit or should I go?

I declare today... as D&D-Day! Hakan is going to blow some minds tonight. Possibly sell his dreams to some strange merchant. Tasty.

I had some dream last night. My scalp had many great big pimples on it, and I for a moment thought that I shouldn't have short hair with skin like that, and then I thought, "whatever". And this bee wouldn't leave me alone and I was petrified. It as crawling all over me and I cowered on the ground with my hands on the back of my head until it went away. I don't remember it going away. Nads said I had a disturbed sleep all night and she woke me multiple times. She did not sleep well either, apparently.

I can't describe how much I hate seeing that messages are waiting on my phone when I come into work. Potentially the worst things happen after you're gone or before you come in. I dread checking those messages. Today it was okay though.. just Elwell calling in sick.

She left her head for a boy in a magazine

No news of Leo. There should be some kind of zine for lost or missing pets.

Yesterday I bought Sims 2. I played it for a bit. It's absolutely hilarious and amazing. But of course, Nads was controlling most of the action (back seat player!) and forced me to recreate us. It's cool how you can start off with a relationship now, so of course we're married. And of course, I have the Knowledge aspirations while she has family. We did a pretty decent job of recreating ourselves, too. Our house is kinda shabby, and some guy in a jogging suit totally robbed our Simoleons from our money tree! Man, if that game had violence I would've pushed it to an M-Rating right there. There are a billion improvements so I suggest you go get it right now if you're into that kind of thing.

Last night I also submitted my code for the Google Code Jam. Today the System testing crashed my 1000 point question though. How lame. I bet it was because it was a little inefficient and went over 8 seconds rather than it being wrong. It's so right. =P It's nice to see only 10 people passed the system test for that one though. Too bad I did so poorly on the easier question (it survived the system test though). I suck.

I'm going to a Jays game tonight. They suck, too. Man, I'm just surrounded by suck. My videocard sucks.

We're now fully in gear to hire people. I called some guy who left a resume with another department before but he didn't respond. I'm going to be the coolest interviewer ever. Definitely on the top of my question list:

What is your favourite movie?
What is your favourite book?
What was the most interesting project you've ever worked on and why did it interest you?

Two of the internals applied, and they are both friends with Elwell, who was hired here in June. Coincidence? It's a little worrisome. And of course silly Keith didn't apply. He still feels obligated to stay on his team, while someone else from his own team is applying! What a world. I'm still mourning that I'm not allowed to hire Ellen.

Must you betray me with a kiss?

I've been thinking again. Hold on to your seat.

It is boggling how well Nads and I co-operate. She really fills in my gaps. She is the Keeper of the Physical. She cooks and makes sure I take my vitamins and everything else to ensure that my body stays healthy. She makes me use shaving cream. I am the Keeper of the Abstract. I'm much more concerned about reading and thinking about things and growing the mind. I explain the ethical, mathematical, or scientific concepts she doesn't grasp or know. I write the poetry.

I had a really good thought today on my way to work, but I've lost it amidst the deadlines and meetings and the fixing and the coding. Damn.

Ah yes, boundaries. There's something special about boundaries. And I don't mean only in the geographical, spatial sense, but even with time. Think of midnight. All kinds of things are to be believed about the border between one day to the next. Think of New Year's, or Birthdays (the boundary from one person's age to the next). For whatever reason, boundaries have power. Funerals.

But if you think about it, time is nothing but boundaries. Every unit of time is a boundary between that moment and another. It's a series of dividers blurred so tightly that it looks cohesive. We live in finely discretized units. We're not continuous, and we're not cohesive and this may be why.

I'm just a man whose intentions are good

Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

I realize that all my posts are pretty self-indulgent and whiny so far, so I'm going to force myself to journalize at least one good point about everyone I can think of.

Nadine: Loyal. Determined.

Richard: Charismatic. Fun.

Linda: Good values. Radical.

Mark: Intelligent. Nice.

Keith: Loyal. Nice.

Ellen: Organized. Respectful daughter.

Sabrina: Initiatative(?)

Paul: Strong. Logical

Marc: Generous.

Jen: Nice. Pragmatic.

Licorice whips

Today we only had only a half day of work. Hurrah! Almost everyone was either away or working from home anyway. A group of employees were going out for drinks right after work, but they had not invited me. They invited Reg though, which is the usual. Aishah caught me as I was leaving work and invited me, but I didn't feel right going since I wasn't originally invited. Is that pride? I guess it is.

I have to wait until Wednesday to officially take over my office and move into the Software Development Manager position. I hope to get some of that Dale Carnegie Leadership training soon.

I don't think I can help but be happy. Sometimes, I'm momentarily sad, like when Nadine and I fight about something, but I'm still the happiest person I know. Nads is a huge part of that, of course, but I sometimes wonder if I could be happy if she wasn't around. And if I couldn't, would I have been too harsh in dealing with people who are desperate for companionship? I'm not sure. I have a cornucopia of love to give, and not having an outlet might upset me more than a little. Anyway, sometimes I think about things, and think about whether I should be upset by them or not, or why I'm not upset about things. Maybe I'm inhuman. A machine. A simple object. Zeroes and Ones.

I think I'm growing bored of Warcraft. Time to catch up on that stack of games that I've been wanting to play.

Today my mom, Nads, and I celebrated Keith's birthday at the Mongolian Grill. He ate soooo much. I ate an excessive amount as well, and grew tired immediately. I wonder what kind of person would fall in love with Keith, and if there is such a person out there. There are certain aspects of his personality that are so unattractive, that might belong to a supporting alien in a movie. The supporting role would mean that he is totally uninterested in love and focused on other goals, so that the audience will never question his outrageous characteristics that would make him unbelievable or unlovable. But he is such a nice guy. A product of rural New Brunswick.

At this restaurant, I received a lesson from my waiter who nearly took my plate when I wasn't done. He told me to "eat, don't talk". He walked away before I could tell him to fuck off. Jackass.

I think I'm in the mood for a little lyric:

Today, I found god
Toosday, sigh frowned pod
Tuesday, my crowned cod