Are you gonna be my girl?

I can take a whole lot of mistreatment from people, and my faith in our friendship will remain unshaken. Maybe it's because I'm used to rejection and feeling bad, and partly it's because I know that I've likely mistreated them in the past, but recently I've discovered that my faith is not limitless like I had thought. Or maybe I knew this before, but had forgotten. Either way, I've been reminded.

There has always been a huge gap between me and pretty much everyone I know. I keep all details about me, from mundane to personal, close, like they were dimensional secrets that would unravel time and space if discovered. This is because I feel that no one really cares to know, but also because I feel that the more people know about me, the less they'll like me.

So I really wonder how much my friends - even the gang - know me. I reveal pieces of myself, and sometimes they are risky and dangerous pieces like when I wrote them little heartfelt letters before my wedding, but mostly it's inconsequential stuff. But they've been around so long that they've seen me with my guard down, I guess. And I still feel shy around them when I haven't seen them for a while. The other day when I saw Jen for the first time in about half a year, I could barely stumble out a “hi” before hiding behind a kitty. I lose the ability to relate to people pretty quickly, I guess.

And they are aloof also, and as aloof as they are, I for some reason believe that they care and that I could count on them if I needed help (this one doesn't require much faith – my friends are awesome), or if I needed to talk. There was a period when Linda and I didn't speak or see each other for over a year, and still, I believe she cares. She shows it in many different ways. Recently Richard and Chris had been getting together without even inviting me, but that bugged me only a little. Somehow, I did not go emo over that. Mark ignores about half the things I say, but I've gotten used to it. I wonder how they did this, get underneath my damage in such a way that I don't really worry about it anymore.

But if I tell you I am upset and I want to talk, and you not only treat it as if it's unimportant for weeks, and moreover just stop talking to me and push me away, my faith breaks. I guess it is some basic expectation of friendship, that if a friend comes to you and says, “I'm terribly sad and upset. Please set aside some time to talk with me,” that the only response possible – if you are indeed friends – is “yes, let me set aside some time tonight [or tomorrow night] so that we can talk in private [with my full attention]”. Not “no [you are not worth my time] [i'm sure it's not that important] [i'd rather do almost anything else] [we are not friends]” (bracketed statements are implied). Also, not “yes”, and then not tell me when you are free, hoping I don't notice, and ignore it for a week.

The problem is compounded because I will rarely, if ever, even admit that I'm sad or upset. So if I tell you that I need to talk, it's because both that I trust that you care to listen and also because I'm in serious trouble. Maybe I'm just really fragile about this, but I take care to make my friends feel important (or I hope I do) and I ensure they know that I am there to listen, will set aside time to listen, and will put off plans to listen if they need it. I can't stand the thought of them having doubts about that, and not coming to me when they need help.

So my heart breaks, and I'll agonize about it forever, and whenever it comes up in my mind I will think, “why didn't so and so care? What is wrong with me?” And even then, our friendship isn't truly over. It would take a herculean effort, but my faith can be gained again. But I will have hurt so deeply at that point that it would take a lot of care. And to be honest, I'm not worth that much effort. I'm not that special that you should seek to ease my pain, nor should you desire my friendship. I have no special skills to offer and I have nothing unique to give.

And so that's how it ends.

We'll crucify the insincere tonight

I am in a wretchedly emo segment of my life. Beware, all those who stand in my way, though it'll be mostly just me, and poor, poor Nads.

Something to understand about me: I will never feel like I am worth someone's time or effort. Even if this person is a salesperson at a shoe store, I feel embarrassed that someone should help me when I deserve nothing. It takes a long, long time to convince me that a person actually cares and wants to help (when it's more than business), and even after that it's very easy, and nearly unavoidable, to break that trust again. I require an awful lot of care and effort.

This behaviour extends online, too. I will try to give gold to people who are helping me, even though I've helped them in the past and in all likelihood owe me a bit of help (but I don't keep track). But I guess that's only with people I like... most of the people on the internet are pretty dreadful.

I wonder what it says about me that I can't really keep acquaintances. If I don't love you in some way, there's pretty much no chance of us keeping contact. I tire of, and fear, transactional relationships. Surround myself with a fence of deep and meaningful relationships, that's the dream. And I can't see outside the fence. I don't want to. I can't think of a single person from any institution or company I've been with that I keep contact with on even an occasional basis, and there is nothing against them. Perhaps if situations were different and different aspects about them were exposed, we would be friends.

Can you be friends with someone and not really want to spend much time with them? Anyone who has bothered to ask knows that if I had infinite money, I would build a luxurious loft/condo complex so that all my friends and I can live on a separate story, with come common facilities where we can do things together. I want them close, and I want to take care of a large portion of their needs. I want to help them fulfill their dreams. I don't think I'd ever pay for everything though, because life starts to become meaningless at some point, doesn't it? Having to pay for things keeps us grounded, and keeps our minds on the sad realities of the world. As I think this I imagine myself lying down on some grassy earth, with my ear to the ground, listening.

I feel myself withdrawing, and I know that I am breaking beyond repair. I am sad every time I have a chance to think. And even though I know my life is pretty good, I can't let go of the problems that beset me. Maybe I'm just spoiled, even though I'm more than thankful for everything and everyone I have.

I want to record this nightmare from the other night in case I forget it. It was really short. Nev was talking to me about something online and I was really tired so I kept dozing off. She was slightly miffed and eventually I just had to log off and go to sleep. However, when I tried to get to sleep, I had to go to the bathroom. At nights I use the bathroom outside so that I don't disturb Jas. As I neared the door to the bathroom, I heard that the tv was on in the living room and wonder why Nads left it on. But it could wait until after, and suddenly I felt this evil, malicious presence. I tried to brush it off and reach for the light switch to the bathroom, but something was holding onto my sleeve and not letting me move. I became really scared and tried to walk back into my bedroom, but I was paralyzed, and not by fear, although it was consuming me at this point. With all my willpower I tried to cry for Nads to help, but only small and intelligible sounds came out. In the real, waking world, however, I made loud unintelligible sounds and I wasn't paralyzed. I was kicking around, and just as the overwhelming fear was about to give me a heart attack, Nads woke me up. My heart raced for many minutes, and slowly came the awful realization that I needed to go to the bathroom. I managed to muster up the courage and go after a few minutes, but I quietly cursed my subconscious. I wasn't in tears like when I had my worst nightmare ever, but I was really, really scared and it took me a very long time to calm down.

The next chapter involves the Watchmen. There are spoilers here, so if you haven't read the book or if you haven't watched the movie, you should skip this section. It is very true to the graphic novel, and for this reason I highly recommend reading the book before seeing the movie. I felt like some of the scenes would not interest anyone who did not read or maybe even enjoy the book. Rorshach translated surprisingly well to screen even with the broken sentence structure. He was a complete badass, and I thank Mr. Haley for doing my favourite character justice. Overall the movie was good, so I'll just cover the three problems I had with it:

It was often overdramatized. Slow motion felt a bit abused at times, even though I realize this is supposed to be the style of the movie, it was a bit jarring at some points. I found myself wondering if they really needed slow motion for that particular shot. Anyway, this was not a big deal in any way.

I felt the way Laurie Jupiter (Silk Spectre) discovers the identity of her father was completely forced (and dumbed down) and I did not feel the way I did when I read the novel. They also didn't spend a lot of time developing or showing Laurie's hatred for the Comedian, so it was hard to understand why she was so upset. Finally, I could have sworn I didn't actually see any tears.

But the thing that bothered me the most was Dan's (Nite Owl) stupid little outburst and lashing out at Adrian Veidt (Ozymandias) after Rorshach is killed. Not only was this defeating the point of Dan's character (he's supposed to be helpless in the face of the events, even though he is a masked hero with all these super gadgets), but even moreso than that, he very clearly tells us that what Adrian did is wrong. That really violates one of the things that makes Watchmen great, which is the ambiguity of ethics and the weird morality that exists through the entire novel and culminates with the destruction of millions to save billions. Was what Adrian did right or wrong? That is the question that the Watchmen asks of us, and Dan's little didactic tirade takes that question away.

Otherwise, the movie was good. The score was a compilation of fairly popular tunes, and I felt they might have been chosen for popularity rather than suitability, but I'm no music critic so I'm not really sure if you can count on my opinion on this. The action was visceral and brutal, and the nudity did not feel gratuitous or unnecessary. I'll watch it again.

I guess I should stop rambling. Needless to say I feel like crap. As only when someone you care about tells you “you're not worth the effort” can make you feel.

I will be the one to make you crawl

I'm so incredibly damaged. And as a result, paranoid. Whether those two facts have a relationship like cause and effect, I'm not sure. That's just who I am most of the time. Here is a process that I go through with people that I really like:

I will constantly be looking for signs or signals of how important I am in their life. Comparing things they do with me to other things they do, comparing myself to other people they know, comparing myself to other things, forever trying to place myself in some kind of ranking. And often, this paints a depressing picture for me. I often want to be more important to this person than I am. And every little thing that I observe hurts. But by this time I've already grown all attached, and now am in desperate need to adapt and scale down how I feel about this person (which is hard for me to do). And it's sad and depressing, because most likely I will have thought that I meant something. It's complicated.

Anyway, trying to scale back and trying to be less attached is hard to do without coming off as an asshole, and is made all the harder because I'm just in the emotional equivalent of a sewer. What makes it really tough too is that I can in no way discuss me with these people, because I don't feel I'm really worth discussing, and in addition, how embarassing is it to say “hey, I really like you, I wish to be really important to you, or maybe that's just the way you act even towards important people, or maybe now you just think I'm totally insane cause our relationship is not that deep.” Especially when it is already clear (see above) that I am not as significant as all that. Also, people really do have their own problems, and the last thing I want is for people to have to worry about how they're dealing with me.

So that step usually goes rather unsmoothly, and while I try really hard to restrain myself from running back like a puppy every time I see them, I choose complete silence, all the while hoping that they would notice, but even if they do, it just prolongs this process as I'm inserted back into the first step. And in the end, the net effect for me is this: I question why I should be important to this person at all, and the answer that always comes back is: You shouldn't, you dumb fuck. You're barely interesting enough to talk to. And the net effect for the other person? Probably nothing. And that's what saddens me the most, I guess. But still, I want them to be as happy as possible, so if I'm not really doing much in their life, what's the point of me sitting around being all emo about it and having them worry about me? It wouldn't make them happiest to have an extraneous person to worry about, it what I mean.

On another damaged point, I think maybe why I like finding out about the darkness and everything about other people, is that I feel such a disconnection with people due to my own psychosis.

Moral of the story: How fucked up am I? How far does my psychotic pit go? Discuss amoungst yourselves.

In your reflection, he lives in you

Something in me is getting weary of online conversations. Does anyone talk just to talk to one person anymore? Is anyone interesting enough to completely hold someone's attention?

I've sat online just talking to one person doing nothing else, because I'm genuinely interested in these people. I assume I am not that interesting, and that makes me very sad.

(Nads doesn't count cause I talk to her face to face. I guess when you're face to face with someone they have no choice but to talk to you.)

Tell me what you need to hear and I'll tell it to you again

I'm so messed up. I've been getting less and less sleep lately, and what sleep I've been getting is not restful. I am the object of tangible pressure... it is literally weighing me down. Enough with the dramatics, I suppose.

Linda likes me when she's completely drunk. This is what I've determined. And she won't remember it the next day. I've started thinking of Nads, Linda, and my mom as my personal "Three Tragedies". I find myself speculating on this sitcom-esque situation has come about, that the three most important women in my life are at odds and generally making my life a miserable hell.

My rapidly sinking mood is not visible - it never will be. Nads tells me that she just gets calmer as stuff is happening to her (e.g., if she is choking she barely makes any noise or motion), I guess I am the same on an emotional level. Even if it was visible, who could do anything about it? Nads can't simply because she is part of the pressure.

As it is sandal season and thus the revelation of many feet, I find myself looking at people's feet and trying to discern something about them... So far the only thing I've been able to achieve is to be more confused; why do women do such horrible things to their feet (I assume from high heels and similarly unhealthy footwear)?

Get on your bikes and ride!

I will say, I can treat you to dinner, if that will make it worth your while.

And I will feel worse.

He's got nobody left to believe

Somebody left an old rusty bike chain onto the sidewalk today. It was extremely rusted, and the rust tainted the snow around it. I felt sad as I walked past it.

I'm trying desperately not to develop a complex over this, but... I'm so weak. I asked Linda if she still wanted to hang out tonight even though we have no session, and she replied "To do what?". I never have an answer to that. To me, my goal is just to hang out and spend some time with her, so I figure we'll figure something out. But I think I'm just too boring... she still can't imagine anything we can do together. I'd be happy doing anything, but she wouldn't. It made me very sad, even though I know that is just the way she is. "If you'd like", "I don't know what we'd do though". Daggers.

Just put your tiny daggers in my heart.

I also had nightmares. I'm not sure if it was related... I had a little trouble sleeping after that. I dreamed of some great evil that a group of innocents (including me and apparently Nads) were trapped in, and I couldn't save them all. Nads told me that I was freaking out at night and I screamed her name and it scared her. I curled into her arms and went into another nightmare.

Every night I burn, every night I scream your name.

I'm so lucky to have her. I suffer the guilt of someone who knows that they are getting better than they deserve, and yet still want more.

Heaven Help Me

I'm not sure there is another way to look at this, but I am the innocent caught in the crossfire. Maybe I will be a casualty. Maybe I will be the casualty. What I can't understand is how it all came to this. Why my attempts to be the responsible just didn't pan out.

What about me is so untrustworthy that one word from her is so believable? I don't understand it. I am still happy - I'm the happiest person I know. But how do all these facts conspire? Maybe they are just fragments that don't fit, like identity... and unlike the controllable world of computers and Lego.

In some ways though, our group is like Lego. And as he noted, him and I are the replaceable parts. But he replaced all of us long before we were ready to disconnect. Nonsensical. Irrational.

Another day of work. Reg found out I got the position, and he congratulated me. He left early in the afternoon.