But when everybody loves me, I'm going to be just about as happy as can be

I am Jack's inflamed sense of rejection.

Mark is under extreme depression as I speak. And I am helpless. I am keeping vigil just in case he responds, as I have made very lame attempts to communicate, but I don't think he will. Even Linda tells me I can't help, even though she asked me to. I'm afraid. Somehow I forgot about his volatile state... he seemed to be okay yesterday. He was never comfortable with speaking to me about anything personal, so I realize I definitely can not be any help and may only hinder... but maybe if I remain vigilant.

It hurts me that Linda is so upset and worried, as well. She is my authority on Mark, really, and she has seen him depressed before. If she thinks it is serious, then I can't hope to reason otherwise. Writing in this journal at this moment feels like a sin. Although this event has made me realize that I want so badly to do stuff for my friends precisely because I am so utterly helpless to aid them in any way.

I really hope he is okay. I wish I could tell him that he could rely on me. That I'd pretty much rather ride in his car then any other. That I wish I am as smart as he is. I want to say it, and have him believe me. I can't remember what I wrote to him in my wedding note... I wonder if he believed that. Could the fact that it was in writing change anything?

I'd sacrifice anything for the sake of having you near

I just had the most amazing weekend. It is one that I think I will remember for the rest of my life. Linda spontaneously spawned a plan on Friday for us to leave Friday night to Ottawa, stay at a hotel, and skate along the Rideau Canal. I missed skating so dearly! I haven't skated for about 7 years despite my love for it. Linda was teaching Mark and I how to skate backwards, and we skated for hours. On Friday night we left my house at 10:00pm. The drive was estimated at 4 hours, but it took a little longer than that. In the car we managed to entertain ourselves with conversation about Warcraft, and pretending we were in different horror movie scenarios. We got to our hotel at about 2:30am and we stayed up and watched some infomercials. The pillows at the Chateau Laurier were really amazing... I had a good sleep but I could only sleep about 4 hours from the excitement. Linda woke up half an hour after me, but I didn't want to wake Mark so I explored the hotel a bit. There wasn't too much there... a few stores, some loud children. When I returned to the room Linda and I left Mark to sleep and visited the stores. She bought some postcards and then we sat down and talked for a while, which was great because we hardly have a chance to speak alone. The thing that sticks out in my mind about that palaver is my sense of pride?... admiration, maybe, of her morality. On Saturday, after skating, we went to eat at this yuppy Japanese-Chinese "fusion" place called Kinki. There I had my favourite alcoholic concotion ever - the Emerald Dragon. This is why I get Linda to pick drinks for me! Everyone seemed to enjoy it even though it was pretty expensive. We noticed that Ottawa is a pretty wholesome place, and that all the girls that work at the establishments are all above-average in looks. I could scarcely believe it. We left Ottawa at around 9:15pm, after visiting a chocolate factory and a used book store (Canada's largest!). I bought Nads a chocolate rose (I am so glad Nads didn't make a fuss about me going on this trip). There was a decent selection of books, but no Sartre. That's like a house full of condiments and no food. On the way home Linda slept for a bit (I battled very hard and bitterly to stay awake), and then we sang some songs (including Bohemian Rhapsody!) before we realized we could sing along to actual music with Mark's I-Pod. We rocked out. Hard.

My muscles still ache from carrying the bags while skating the whole time. My heart ached a bit when I thought about the cost of the trip, and on the drive home and it was going to be over. The cold seemed colder, then, and I felt exhausted. Was it all from the lack of sleep?

I also need to amend my last post... Through our conversation I learned that Linda is actually seriously in debt. I told Nads that I wish I won the lottery so that I can pay for Linda to get her aviator's license and a job being a bush pilot and pay off her debts, and Mark a new car. I can't really imagine what to get Richard, because he seems to just get everything he wants. I'd probably get him a complete entertainment system and a tricked out computer or something. Nads told me that that was a waste of money and I should not spend my winnings like that. She claims that's how people go poor. I said I would happily be poor if that means I can fulfill other people's dreams, and that it's pointless for me to win the lottery except to do so. She still doesn't understand that they're my family, I guess, and I can't blame her.

The one you said I could do without

This comes on the heel of another reading of Linda's journal. And inquiries into one of the entries thereof... more personal information for my insatiable appetite. During our conversation, she caught me trying to be sly instead of asking directly, and she proclaimed that I am so transparent. I told her I am, and that's why I'm diaphanous.

I sometimes think about financials. I was never the richest of the gang, but now I'm pretty sure I'm the most poor. Linda mentioned that she had $3000 in her savings! I was always worried about her the most, and I would tend to buy Linda stuff or pay for her at dinner or anything like that (well, for Linda more than anyone else, I mean). And she's always mentioning how she shouldn't be spending money. I am so proud of her that she has so much saved up to pursue her dreams, of going back to Sweden and things like that. I will of course continue to support her any way I can. Every month I am barely scraping together enough to make ends meet, and that doesn't really worry me, except I am not as free to do things like spontaneously buy people gifts. Although the poorer I am, the more I want to do things like that. It's often worth it, anyway. Richard is of course very stable right now as well, although I am worried about his spending habits. He has a lot of extra income right now and he has always just bought everything he wanted. And even when he didn't have his own income his mom would support him. Mark... well, I don't know what kinds of straits he's in now, but he hasn't worked in over a year, and I'm not sure he's eligible for unemployment since he worked for a company located in the States. I think he has a lot in investments though.

I have some weird makeup that makes me want to know every single detail about my friends. Something's wrong with my cocktail.

I'm on a roll, with all the girls I know

I had an interesting discussion about authenticity last night. Of course, this is a discussion I've had many times, and my position on it is difficult, to say the least. It's hard convincing people that the authentic self that everyone is looking for is not our instinctual selves, but rather the modified self. For example, someone who tries to correct potentially annoying behaviour because she cares whether she is annoying those around them. Let's say she wants to say something, but doesn't. I would argue that this person hasn't betrayed her "natural" (authentic) self at all. She *is* that filter. We are our minds, and that is what separates us from beasts. In general, I think we must believe that we are our modified selves, or that we could never improve and that we are slaves of instinct and habit. I am quite aware that I do not act the same way with everyone, but that is because I'd like to act in the way best suited to the person I'm around, and that is me. I like to please, or I'm happy when others are happy. Whatever you like.

Richard cancelled on our session at the last minute last night, again. I was already on my way to Linda's house, in fact. We still had a fun time, playing this new game called Lunch Money, but it was rather annoying. I am bothered by two facts about this incident:

a) there was no advance notice
b) Richard has given different reasons to different people

I'm exhausted. I can't remember if these kinds of things always happened before, or somehow our dynamics have changed into this retarded environment. He told Sabrina that he was to work early and didn't want to stay out late, which is something he left out when he talked to Linda. He told Linda that he just didn't have anything prepared, and he had not known we were playing so he didn't want to prepare it, and he didn't want to spend his holidays preparing it. There are a lot of valid reasons in there, and I could accept any of those (except that he didn't know if we were playing, because we play unless someone cancels), if he told us in *advance*. Linda said she got the impression that Richard feels like he's the victim in all this, which just makes it worse, because he'll be on the defensive. I don't think I'm going to touch this one.

We went to MexiTaco and I asked for some hot sauce. The waiter/proprietor/dude prepared some and as he put it on the table he told me "You're on your own". That could explain my stomach turbulence this morning.

Mark and Linda got into another argument last night, with Mark threatening to leave and Linda telling him to do so. Mostly I just sit back and try to let them resolve it, until Mark was gathering his stuff, then I tried to saying something. The argument was about how Linda's Meloku deck was pretty much entirely Mark's creation and he tells her that "a smart person would do this". Linda has mounting frustration over the poor performance of her deck and is enjoying Magic less. So I said that in the end we really just want her to have fun and no matter what we say and how we come across, we still want that. And if the changes we suggest will make her enjoy the game less than by all means ignore them. Things calmed down eventually, but I still think Linda was unsatisfied by the end of the night.

I got home at around 1 and Nads and I talked until 2:30am. I got five hours of sleep.

It hurts me so to see you go 'round with someone new

There is something about Court shows that are just sick. Having spent a couple of weekdays at home, and with Nads subjecting me to them, I realize why I hate them so much: the courtroom is a place where the media should not go. I don't care that it is only small claims court. The principle is appalling. Consider someone who is writing in a private journal, and the same person who writes in a private journal on national TV, where every individual in the country can see what that person is writing. The entries, I hypothesize, would not be the same. No one should have to sit in court and have to wonder whether the judge is saying things or acting a certain way because s/he has a national audience.

On to brighter news, I really scored with the gang! Mark got me this hot World Series of Poker set with amazing quality chips. I'm right now trying to do the chip shuffle that the Pros always do, but I'm having some difficulty. Does anyone have any tips? Linda got me this high quality Puma made Maple Leafs touque! Now I can look dorky in style. And Richard gave me this ultimate edition Cassern DVD. I can't wait to see it.. it looks pretty awesome. Richard and Jen also gave Nads and I a napkin holder and napkin pack. Pretty handy.. maybe they noticed that we seriously lacked napkins last time they were over? Hmm...

This only adds to my hosting anxiety. I try to be a good host whenever people come over, but I can't help but feel that they're bored or whatever. I try desperately to entertain, but I'm pretty horrible at it. I also attempt not to feel hurt when people leave early, but people like Ellen and Sabrina always do. And they usually leave to go somewhere else. I realize that people have things to do... I guess I'm just used to the gang because we always hang out until the witching hours.

I'll get back up and we can do it all over again

Merry Christmas everyone. I'm still terrible at this blog thing.. I can't believe it.

I had an decent Christmas. Relaxing and filling. I had to spend like 2 days in Brampton though, which was quite dreadful, since they only have dialup at my in-laws'. I had to do some shopping online through said dial-up... I wanted to shoot myself.

I am grateful for all the presents I got... the heat fan is making my life so much warmer. I got another nice sweater from my parents in-law. We're having our gang's celebration tonight.. I can't wait! They always get me things that are just for me. I mean.. well, the sweater is just for me, but it's not what my heart really wanted, you know? I didn't wake up any day of this year thinking "Gee, I wish I had a new sweater". Shantz got me something spectacular... Dark Tower book VI! It is the prettiest one thus far. The cover makes me want to do somersaults. Keith got me a Maple Leafs hat. Sweet. Oh, and of course, as a combined Christmas/Birthday/Valentine's present Nads is going to get me a video card. I can't wait for that. Anyone want my crappy old GeForce 2? Can you donate stuff like that? Hmm.

I'm usually more than a bit worried about what I'm getting for other people, too. I mean, I would not want to get a bad gift for anyone. Nads always tells me what she wants so it makes it a little easier. For Linda I got the Draconomicon, which is really pretty and I'm pretty sure she mentioned it being cool, but nonetheless - I'm worried. Richard and I got Pirates! for Mark, and I got the Creature Collection III for Richard. For Keith I got $25 Australian. That stuff is so cool.. can't wrinkle, hard to tear, and perfectly impossible to counterfeit! I want to give everyone the best gift ever!

Mother Mary won't you whisper?

Linda and Mark came over last night! It hardly matters what they came for, but Linda was *in my house*. I'm pretty certain she didn't enjoy it, and she was sick besides, but I myself am really happy she came. I think Mark had to do some major pleading, but it worked.

We practiced our Team Limited Magic. Wow, is it ever tough. Team Powerpuff managed to put together three decks in an hour and a half, which is about a half-hour than we actually should have. One deck was decent, the other two were... mediocore. We need to start from scratch and try to build them again. Linda and Mark got into a little spat, as usual, but calmed down rather soon. I can understand Mark's frustration, since there were several "You guys should just play with Richard" and similar comments. I can understand that Mark does not want to feel like he's forcing Linda to be on the team. But Linda likes to rub it in when she has the upper hand (or gain it by making it seem like more of an ordeal than it is).

I still feel bad about Richard though, now that he's not part of the team anymore. I don't feel it's justified because he was training someone or something like that, and that's why he missed practice. On the other hand, we'd never get a chance to practice if we waited for him.

Mark also bought us starters for a new CCG, Wars. It's Star Wars, but without the Star. It looks like a pretty cool game... damn him for potentially starting another addiction!

I've started on "How to stop worrying and start living" by Dale Carnegie. I've always been pretty immune to worry myself, so I think I will record my own tips on the matter here. First tip: You can stop worrying about the future by knowing you're going to succeed.

What did the bartender say to the roof when it ordered a beer?

For you, it's on the house.

I'm only 47% Libra. I'm a terrible Libra. I'm a socially defunct, inactive Libra. Some things in the quiz I couldn't quite answer, like "You consider yourself attractive and like to be around attractive people". I mean, I have to answer false because the first half is false. But the second half is true. I should try all the signs and see what sign I should be.... results later. [Results are in!: 53% Scorpio (Linda), 67% Sagittarius (Nads), 47% Capricorn (Richard), 67% Aquarius (Ellen), 67% Pisces, 40% Aries, 27% Taurus, 53% Gemini (Mom), 53% Cancer (Mark), 47% Leo, 67% Virgo (Keith). I guess it figures that I'm more like almost everyone else than myself.]

I feel quite terrible for Richard. Originally, Linda, Mark, and I decided to go to the Team Limited event at Grand Prix Chicago. We were going to be Team Powerpuff, and our hair colours each matched one of the girls made from Sugar and Spice, and everything nice. But then Linda for some reason decides she sucks at Magic and decides to drop out from our team, and so we have Richard in her place. And of course he feels like a replacement or a sub. I'm usually the one left out... I should be. This feels worse than if I were the one left out. I can't help but think part of Linda's motive for dropping out is because she knows Richard wants to be part of the team. But what kind of team name will we have now? I really think Linda is really good under tournament conditions, though, and she has proven that she is better than all of us under those conditions. She's also decided she wants to become a judge... we need a montage of her learning Magic rules.

I am going to test all my diplomacy skills in the world tonight. Nads has previously mandated that Linda not be allowed in our home. I'm going to try to change that, because it's making my life hell. I've never let on how difficult it is, but I hate having to worry if, someday, Mark is coming over to my house and he brings Linda along. Or how I have to avoid the subject of why we can't play Magic at my house. It makes me sad that I can love two people so much and they can't get along. What's worse for me is that Linda is more tolerant than Nads is being, and even Linda wouldn't call herself a tolerant person. Plus, I have to hide this unreasonable stipulation from the gang so that they will not look poorly on Nads. You can't repair that kind of PR, and it will make my social life even harder.

I want them spellbound, begging on their knees

So, here I am, guilty of not following through on my own initiative. I can't believe I can't even upkeep a journal... something is seriously wrong with me.

I had a voluptuous weekend. On Saturday we celebrated Linda's birthday. We started the day at Johnny's Burgers (a delicious joint for anyone in Toronto), then headed to Putting Edge glow-in-the-dark mini-golfing (where I reigned supreme!), rediscovered the joys of Skee-Ball at Dave and Buster's (all tickets went to Linda so that she could buy a bunch of girl stuff), took her to her favourite restaurant, and then headed back to Mark's for some hardcore drinking, Magic (can M:TG be hardcore?), and Tekken.

I really sucked at Tekken.

We decided we would all come up with Extended Mono Colour decks and each play a different colour and can play a 5p format that way. I was left with Red or Blue and I'm going with Red. Goblins are the obvious choice, or maybe I can do a Chance Encounters deck. Since we're agreeing to disallow artifacts and legendary land, I think my Drooling Ogres will kick some ass.

We all gave her pretty stellar presents. Mark gave her a foil Yosei, the Morning Star (he traded for mine), a Two Headed Dragon, Ryusei, the Falling Star, and a Plateau. Richard gave her a Spirited Away DVD. I gave her Sims 2, which means we will never see her again. Ever. I also gave her this Monster Manual that I made for her a while back, but I never gave to her. I couldn't remember why, but I remembered after giving it to her. I was afraid she'd just find it lame or stupid, and I think that's what she thought of it. I thought it was pretty good...

Richard and I are talking a little more now... we're sort of united by Magic. Richard and Linda seem to be getting along, bonding over Naruto. Linda claims that all the girls in Naruto are useless in the first 50 episodes, and that spawned an entire day of girls suck hilarity.

A couple of weeks ago was my birthday celebration with the gang and that was great too. We drank and did some hardcore Magic. They all pitched in to get me an entire box - 36 packs - of Kamigawa goodness. It's turning out to be my favourite set so far, so I'm really glad. That's when I opened a foil Yosei, the Morning Star. We did a sealed tourney with those packs, and Mark pretty much won. Nads got me Jesus Christ Superstar on DVD even though I was saving up my present money to get a new video card. Sabrina got me the last book in the Dark Tower series in the ever stylish hardcover. Ellen gave me an Old Navy sweatshirt.. it's comfy.

The week following that I had a good showing at the Sealed tourney on Sunday at 401. I finished 3-4 and got $5 credit. Of course, I opened another Yosei.

We all want something beautiful

I wish I was beautiful.

Last night was so ineffable in many ways. What would've been a regular get together and watch Canada kick ass at hockey night turned out to be a search for Linda's runaway indoor cat. I don't mind and I'm glad I got to help out of course, but it's so bizarre. The cat is spoiled in that household.
I feel so sorry for Linda. I'd be so upset if Bebe had run away. I can't imagine what it'll be like when he dies...
Searching for a cat by constantly calling its name is totally ineffective. But what else could we do? We stuffed some 'Missing' flyers in some neighbours' mailboxes... hopefully things will turn out for the best. It upsets me so much whenever Linda is so upset. But I don't think she'd be that upset if I went missing. Heck, she wouldn't even notice.

It all comes back to me in the end. There are times when Linda purposefully distances us, and it hurts. I had bought a case of Vanilla Coke for her, and she is the only person who drinks it. Last night she said that she planned on replacing every can she has consumed. I guess I'm not even familiar enough to give her casual things. Also, she told me I can go to her house and watch the game instead of helping her search for Leo. My name is Don; I'm a total ass.

As I was walking back from delivering my stack of missing posters, I saw Mark's arm around Linda's shoulders comforting her in front of their house. I wasn't sure if I should continue going towards them. Something told me it was a bad idea but I did it anyway. I'm not any good at comforting, so I probably just screwed things up.

During a pizza dinner which Jason (Linda's roomate) was good enough to pay for, I found out that not only is Linda made-for-TBS-movie junkie, but she watches the Swan. How... ineffable. And Mark watches the Swan too. I felt like they both just announced that they were homosexual or something. And they made fun of me for liking Resident Evil.

I'm just a man whose intentions are good

Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

I realize that all my posts are pretty self-indulgent and whiny so far, so I'm going to force myself to journalize at least one good point about everyone I can think of.

Nadine: Loyal. Determined.

Richard: Charismatic. Fun.

Linda: Good values. Radical.

Mark: Intelligent. Nice.

Keith: Loyal. Nice.

Ellen: Organized. Respectful daughter.

Sabrina: Initiatative(?)

Paul: Strong. Logical

Marc: Generous.

Jen: Nice. Pragmatic.

You can be my everything

I just moved into my new office. It's pretty sweet. It's kind of weird watching people walk by your office all the time, though. Many people are congratulating me... some that haven't. It kind of feels like being a Prom Queen. More like a Prom King... and I'm not saying that because of the gender, but rather being a Prom King seems to matter a lot less to the Prom King than being Prom Queen does to the Prom Queen, and in that respect I'm more like the Prom King. Still, some people have been really encouraging and it's nice.

Last night I watched Canada wipe the floor with Slovakia in the World Cup. I'm telling you, when Czech Slovakia divided into two countries Slovakia got the short end of the hockey stick. I can just imagine the draft when the country sundered:

Czech Republic: "We'll take Jagr."
Slovakia: "We'll take... Lasak."

Linda and Mark got into more arguments than usual. They get so intense about it in the moment but it's usually alright a little later. It was over a couple of very silly things: Whether what someone estimated to be the square miles required by landfill 1 thousand years from now is viable, and whether the term turtling means blocking or crouching. For the most part I stayed out of it, but it seems to me that Linda doesn't listen accurately. And she feels patronized a lot. Or maybe she just uses that as a weapon to make Mark feel bad. After the second fight broke out we played Tekken in silence.

Back on yesterday's theory about trying to make all of our perspectives throughout time converge: What if desire is the result of something even greater than that? What if desire comes from trying to converge all our conscious and subconscious through parallel dimensions? (ie, my desire or discontent is because I can't reconcile my consciousness with an alternate dimension me). Mind-blowing.

The Greater Craftsman

I don't know if I'm doing this blogging thing all wrong. Maybe it'd be more effective - more appropriate - if I do it for the same day rather than the previous day. Things are always different the next day. Perhaps this explains desire... desire is what results because we can't get today and tomorrow's perspectives to converge.

Desire in this sense is somewhat like discontent.

Mark has this really annoying habit of not ever answering questions you ask him after he's busy. I don't mind him not answering immediately, but he doesn't even get back to you on it. Or say he doesn't want to say, if that's what he's thinking. I asked him about what we're doing today about the World Cup game, and if he has Swedish. I asked him twice. Maybe it's me.

Our regular roleplaying group might be getting together again. I'm quite excited even though I won't be surprised if there's some other stoppage. Richard still thinks we were upset because he missed a few sessions. I guess listening/reading is not his strong suit. I'm going to print out those 4 page psionic character sheets instead of the messed up retarded sized ones that I have. It's embarrassing, like when you went to school and your pencil case was less cool than everyone else's.

Everything is so binary now... I find it awkward but appropriate at the same time to have to alter my everyday speaking patterns, just like I did in the last paragraph. If I'm talking to someone on an Instant Messenger (IM), am I supposed to represent the other person as listening or reading? Or maybe receiving messages? data? The digital age is consuming and our vocabulary is catching up, but probably not fast enough. I think it's funny when people see the computer or use technical terms to metaphorically represent their lives because so many real life terms and objects are metaphorically adapted for computers. Life imitating computers imitating life.

I don't know why I instigate, or say what I don't mean

Last night Linda, Mark and I got together to watch Canada kick the crap out of the US. It was a satifying victory. Then Linda proceeded to kick the crap out of us in Tekken. It was a horrid defeat... Linda has all my getting-up psychology worked out in that game.

Reg didn't come in yesterday, and my VP expressed worry that he may be thinking about leaving the company. I hope he doesn't, but he has to do what's best for him.

Mark and I realized the awesome extent to which Batman applies to real life during the hockey game. We admired the way people rushed to the defense of our goalie who was being mistreated by the brutish Americans. We both agreed that vigilante justice should be allowed on the ice, as long as no guns were involved. A Batman philosophy.

Just before I got out of the car, I said to Linda that I hope she enjoyed herself and that it wasn't too painful for her to get together. I hope she didn't take that the wrong way - I'm genuinely concerned.

I want what I want

Last night my nephews-in-law came over. I don't understand how anyone has the energy to deal with kids. They were quite adorable and curious about everything, but you can't really reason with them. And they were loud. The older one, Demetri, is beginning to be reasonable in that he's willing to do things he's told. But the younger one, Tristan, is totally beyond my capacity to understand. Except that he loves things that bang and make noise.

Sometimes I feel like I don't belong in this world. All I want to do is trust things and believe things, but things just can't be trusted or believed. Or people. But I will trust and believe them anyway, I think I always will, because I don't want to live in suspicion, and I think that is exactly the kind of attitude that replicates itself in others. I like to believe that if I am open and honest about everything that people will operate in kind when dealing with me. My faith is faltering.

Do my friends think I'm a liar? Maybe.. they joke about it.. I like to make stuff up about casual things or facts. Never anything about anyone else. It just hurts all that much more when I'm treated like I would lie, I guess... I always think that is an asset of mine.

Today my friend Mark (fondly referred to as Nazi Mark) came over and we played tons of Tekken Tag and Ikaruga. If anyone has beaten this game in 2p mode PLEASE let me know. It is soooo impossible. It took us 3 hours and 6 credits to make it to stage 4.