I'm back on a Queen kick. Bicycles and Fat-Bottomed Girls forever!
I just took this test over at http://www.gone2thedogs.com/
It seems supernatural that I am a Lowchen (petit chien lion), which is in the family of Bichons (BeBe is a Bichon Frise). When pruned and clipped, this dog resembles a miniature lion, and is good-natured and intelligent.
Somebody left an old rusty bike chain onto the sidewalk today. It was extremely rusted, and the rust tainted the snow around it. I felt sad as I walked past it.
I'm trying desperately not to develop a complex over this, but... I'm so weak. I asked Linda if she still wanted to hang out tonight even though we have no session, and she replied "To do what?". I never have an answer to that. To me, my goal is just to hang out and spend some time with her, so I figure we'll figure something out. But I think I'm just too boring... she still can't imagine anything we can do together. I'd be happy doing anything, but she wouldn't. It made me very sad, even though I know that is just the way she is. "If you'd like", "I don't know what we'd do though". Daggers.
Just put your tiny daggers in my heart.
I also had nightmares. I'm not sure if it was related... I had a little trouble sleeping after that. I dreamed of some great evil that a group of innocents (including me and apparently Nads) were trapped in, and I couldn't save them all. Nads told me that I was freaking out at night and I screamed her name and it scared her. I curled into her arms and went into another nightmare.
Every night I burn, every night I scream your name.
I'm so lucky to have her. I suffer the guilt of someone who knows that they are getting better than they deserve, and yet still want more.
Signs of depression that I possess:
Change in sleeping habits--too much or too little; waking earlier than usual
- too little. I also wake up abnormally early on days when I shold be sleeping in
Change in appetite or weight
- I've been losing weight, which was already a dismal 120, pretty much nonstop for six months. I'm down to 113. I may disappear soon.
Doing things more slowly or very rapidly (speaking for example)
- I do both of these. Sometimes I'm just heavily shaking when trying to do something. Sometimes it's hard for me to get my thoughts together to speak.
Feeling tired, loss of energy
- Well, I think everyone exhibits this one.
Inability to concentrate, confused, slowed thinking, indecisiveness
- Inability to concentrate is a new one that worries me... sometimes I can't focus on what people are saying. I'm still pretty much never confused, and I'm slower than I was before, but that could be age. I've been indecisive forever.
Feeling of worthlessness, self hate, guilt
- 3 fragments of my being.
Feeling hopeless and helpless
- I'm very optimistic, I think, but I am often helpless.
Self neglect--not bathing or changing clothes--a change in hygiene
- I'm decently hygenic, but I can't pay attention to vitamins and fruits and crap like that
Excessive drug or alcohol use
- Does World of Warcraft count?
Thoughts of death, suicide wishing to be dead
- I often have thoughts of death. I try to imagine the funeral, and how I want everyone to be happy. I sometimes think about what would happen if I was never born at all. Would the gang still have a fourth? Who would it be? I don't think of killing myself, I must say. And I don't so much wish to be dead rather than having an opportunity to die for people I love, to forever authenticate how much I care about them.
I am Jack's inflamed sense of rejection.
Mark is under extreme depression as I speak. And I am helpless. I am keeping vigil just in case he responds, as I have made very lame attempts to communicate, but I don't think he will. Even Linda tells me I can't help, even though she asked me to. I'm afraid. Somehow I forgot about his volatile state... he seemed to be okay yesterday. He was never comfortable with speaking to me about anything personal, so I realize I definitely can not be any help and may only hinder... but maybe if I remain vigilant.
It hurts me that Linda is so upset and worried, as well. She is my authority on Mark, really, and she has seen him depressed before. If she thinks it is serious, then I can't hope to reason otherwise. Writing in this journal at this moment feels like a sin. Although this event has made me realize that I want so badly to do stuff for my friends precisely because I am so utterly helpless to aid them in any way.
I really hope he is okay. I wish I could tell him that he could rely on me. That I'd pretty much rather ride in his car then any other. That I wish I am as smart as he is. I want to say it, and have him believe me. I can't remember what I wrote to him in my wedding note... I wonder if he believed that. Could the fact that it was in writing change anything?
The secrets are horrendous in me.
There's something about receiving actual mail that will never be replaced by anything electronic. I love getting mail that isn't a bill or spam, and opening it. I think that's the real crime of having your mail opened. You don't get that moment of anticipation - why would someone write to me in this digital age?
I just had the most amazing weekend. It is one that I think I will remember for the rest of my life. Linda spontaneously spawned a plan on Friday for us to leave Friday night to Ottawa, stay at a hotel, and skate along the Rideau Canal. I missed skating so dearly! I haven't skated for about 7 years despite my love for it. Linda was teaching Mark and I how to skate backwards, and we skated for hours. On Friday night we left my house at 10:00pm. The drive was estimated at 4 hours, but it took a little longer than that. In the car we managed to entertain ourselves with conversation about Warcraft, and pretending we were in different horror movie scenarios. We got to our hotel at about 2:30am and we stayed up and watched some infomercials. The pillows at the Chateau Laurier were really amazing... I had a good sleep but I could only sleep about 4 hours from the excitement. Linda woke up half an hour after me, but I didn't want to wake Mark so I explored the hotel a bit. There wasn't too much there... a few stores, some loud children. When I returned to the room Linda and I left Mark to sleep and visited the stores. She bought some postcards and then we sat down and talked for a while, which was great because we hardly have a chance to speak alone. The thing that sticks out in my mind about that palaver is my sense of pride?... admiration, maybe, of her morality. On Saturday, after skating, we went to eat at this yuppy Japanese-Chinese "fusion" place called Kinki. There I had my favourite alcoholic concotion ever - the Emerald Dragon. This is why I get Linda to pick drinks for me! Everyone seemed to enjoy it even though it was pretty expensive. We noticed that Ottawa is a pretty wholesome place, and that all the girls that work at the establishments are all above-average in looks. I could scarcely believe it. We left Ottawa at around 9:15pm, after visiting a chocolate factory and a used book store (Canada's largest!). I bought Nads a chocolate rose (I am so glad Nads didn't make a fuss about me going on this trip). There was a decent selection of books, but no Sartre. That's like a house full of condiments and no food. On the way home Linda slept for a bit (I battled very hard and bitterly to stay awake), and then we sang some songs (including Bohemian Rhapsody!) before we realized we could sing along to actual music with Mark's I-Pod. We rocked out. Hard.
My muscles still ache from carrying the bags while skating the whole time. My heart ached a bit when I thought about the cost of the trip, and on the drive home and it was going to be over. The cold seemed colder, then, and I felt exhausted. Was it all from the lack of sleep?
I also need to amend my last post... Through our conversation I learned that Linda is actually seriously in debt. I told Nads that I wish I won the lottery so that I can pay for Linda to get her aviator's license and a job being a bush pilot and pay off her debts, and Mark a new car. I can't really imagine what to get Richard, because he seems to just get everything he wants. I'd probably get him a complete entertainment system and a tricked out computer or something. Nads told me that that was a waste of money and I should not spend my winnings like that. She claims that's how people go poor. I said I would happily be poor if that means I can fulfill other people's dreams, and that it's pointless for me to win the lottery except to do so. She still doesn't understand that they're my family, I guess, and I can't blame her.
I'm curious. Maybe nosy. It's tough to tell the difference, but I really want to know everything. My thirst for knowledge about things, especially my friends, is insatiable. I'm some kind of... personal information vampire. I'm sure at least partly it's because I'm so starved of it... I hardly know anything about anyone. Often it's because I'm forgetful, so it all seems like news to me. In any case it empowers me with a sense of worth in relation to them, that I have this knowledge.
Given the choice, I will always follow the white rabbit.
Whether it's because I am a single child who had a busy, rarely home single parent growing up, I entered this "family" phase when I was 15. Almost every girl I met, and with my closest guy friends, I wanted to name our bond "brother" or "sister". I mean, some of my high school mates did this too, and they were quite needy. We eventually had this family tree that didn't exist but in words. We cared about them as youths do. I read Stranger in a Strange Land and was enamoured with the idea of a Water Sister, and I got one. How strange these relationships may have seemed to the girls involved. I feel like I should apologize.
When I was 16, or Grade 10, I went through a drastic change. I abandoned trying to be popular with everyone, I hated being a fob, and I went through the usual rebellion and search for authenticity that most kids do. I was goth in a true spirit - I wanted to be alone, and to find out who I can rely on, if any. I entirely rejected who I was only a year ago.
Then I met the gang. The sequence of events I'm proposing here may be disorganized, so if anyone tells you different, they're probably right. Well, I had met them before through some BBS meets and stuff, but it was at this time that we started to roleplay every weekend. And we started doing other things, of course, like going to concerts (something I don't do anymore), or Swedish fairs. And ever since then they have become the closest people to me (except, of course, for my wife. My mom is a bit different, in the way that our relationships to our mother usually are). But it never occurred to me, until this past birthday when Linda gave me a card with a note that says you'll always be our little brother, that they really are my family. In the wake of the backlash against my tendency to try and create false family ties, real ones had developed. Even though I never thought of it that way, I felt that deeply for them. Another reason may be that I never trusted my acceptance with them, something that I'm not sure I'll ever get over, but something that may not be entirely bad. It certainly keeps me on the best behaviour when they are around!
I realized how aptly I named this blog when I broke down and bought World of Warcraft. I am a huge Blizzard fanboy but I had resisted all this time because of the monthly fees and because I knew the game would consume my life. And now it has. I can't stop thinking about it... I want to be home and play.
The worst thing is, I was really having fun with Knights of the Old Republic. I guess I can play that when the server is down or something like that. And I'm sure I can't play WoW for too many hours straight.. right? Oh boy. I'm reading the manual on the bus... I'm looking at community sites when I'm at work. It's almost all I can talk about.
I am supposed to be interviewing someone right now, but it looks like they're not showing up. Bummer.
The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care.
Vince Carter needs to go to basketball hell. His character is almost of a vile sort. Though certainly not evil, his utter lack of professional principles should convince teams to leave him with no place on any team forever. When he first came to Toronto, we worshipped him. We made excuses for him. We bought his merchandise. And he didn't even give us his best. What is worse is that he suggests talented people do not have to try hard, which is one of the worst messages you can send to the youth who are supposed to love the game. Sports heroes? Don't look at basketball. The proportion of ego to ball size is greater in B-Ball than any other sport, and that is a tough title to win, considering the silly endzone dances they have in football.
Such sweet poetry.
I am an awful mess. I haven't done anything good for anyone lately, and it leaves me with a spiritual dread in this time of tsunami's(sp?) and child kidnappings. I mean, I've donated like every other decent being on this earth, but still... I'd like to do more for those around me, you know?
Well, of course, in particular my friends and Nads and my mom, but even people who have been peripherally nice to me... like my Godmother Teresa. I didn't even call her to say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year and such.. I'm such a horrible person. Perhaps I should make a resolution. It feels like that kind of moment.
I had an interesting discussion about authenticity last night. Of course, this is a discussion I've had many times, and my position on it is difficult, to say the least. It's hard convincing people that the authentic self that everyone is looking for is not our instinctual selves, but rather the modified self. For example, someone who tries to correct potentially annoying behaviour because she cares whether she is annoying those around them. Let's say she wants to say something, but doesn't. I would argue that this person hasn't betrayed her "natural" (authentic) self at all. She *is* that filter. We are our minds, and that is what separates us from beasts. In general, I think we must believe that we are our modified selves, or that we could never improve and that we are slaves of instinct and habit. I am quite aware that I do not act the same way with everyone, but that is because I'd like to act in the way best suited to the person I'm around, and that is me. I like to please, or I'm happy when others are happy. Whatever you like.
Richard cancelled on our session at the last minute last night, again. I was already on my way to Linda's house, in fact. We still had a fun time, playing this new game called Lunch Money, but it was rather annoying. I am bothered by two facts about this incident:
a) there was no advance notice
b) Richard has given different reasons to different people
I'm exhausted. I can't remember if these kinds of things always happened before, or somehow our dynamics have changed into this retarded environment. He told Sabrina that he was to work early and didn't want to stay out late, which is something he left out when he talked to Linda. He told Linda that he just didn't have anything prepared, and he had not known we were playing so he didn't want to prepare it, and he didn't want to spend his holidays preparing it. There are a lot of valid reasons in there, and I could accept any of those (except that he didn't know if we were playing, because we play unless someone cancels), if he told us in *advance*. Linda said she got the impression that Richard feels like he's the victim in all this, which just makes it worse, because he'll be on the defensive. I don't think I'm going to touch this one.
We went to MexiTaco and I asked for some hot sauce. The waiter/proprietor/dude prepared some and as he put it on the table he told me "You're on your own". That could explain my stomach turbulence this morning.
Mark and Linda got into another argument last night, with Mark threatening to leave and Linda telling him to do so. Mostly I just sit back and try to let them resolve it, until Mark was gathering his stuff, then I tried to saying something. The argument was about how Linda's Meloku deck was pretty much entirely Mark's creation and he tells her that "a smart person would do this". Linda has mounting frustration over the poor performance of her deck and is enjoying Magic less. So I said that in the end we really just want her to have fun and no matter what we say and how we come across, we still want that. And if the changes we suggest will make her enjoy the game less than by all means ignore them. Things calmed down eventually, but I still think Linda was unsatisfied by the end of the night.
I got home at around 1 and Nads and I talked until 2:30am. I got five hours of sleep.
There is something about Court shows that are just sick. Having spent a couple of weekdays at home, and with Nads subjecting me to them, I realize why I hate them so much: the courtroom is a place where the media should not go. I don't care that it is only small claims court. The principle is appalling. Consider someone who is writing in a private journal, and the same person who writes in a private journal on national TV, where every individual in the country can see what that person is writing. The entries, I hypothesize, would not be the same. No one should have to sit in court and have to wonder whether the judge is saying things or acting a certain way because s/he has a national audience.
On to brighter news, I really scored with the gang! Mark got me this hot World Series of Poker set with amazing quality chips. I'm right now trying to do the chip shuffle that the Pros always do, but I'm having some difficulty. Does anyone have any tips? Linda got me this high quality Puma made Maple Leafs touque! Now I can look dorky in style. And Richard gave me this ultimate edition Cassern DVD. I can't wait to see it.. it looks pretty awesome. Richard and Jen also gave Nads and I a napkin holder and napkin pack. Pretty handy.. maybe they noticed that we seriously lacked napkins last time they were over? Hmm...
This only adds to my hosting anxiety. I try to be a good host whenever people come over, but I can't help but feel that they're bored or whatever. I try desperately to entertain, but I'm pretty horrible at it. I also attempt not to feel hurt when people leave early, but people like Ellen and Sabrina always do. And they usually leave to go somewhere else. I realize that people have things to do... I guess I'm just used to the gang because we always hang out until the witching hours.
Merry Christmas everyone. I'm still terrible at this blog thing.. I can't believe it.
I had an decent Christmas. Relaxing and filling. I had to spend like 2 days in Brampton though, which was quite dreadful, since they only have dialup at my in-laws'. I had to do some shopping online through said dial-up... I wanted to shoot myself.
I am grateful for all the presents I got... the heat fan is making my life so much warmer. I got another nice sweater from my parents in-law. We're having our gang's celebration tonight.. I can't wait! They always get me things that are just for me. I mean.. well, the sweater is just for me, but it's not what my heart really wanted, you know? I didn't wake up any day of this year thinking "Gee, I wish I had a new sweater". Shantz got me something spectacular... Dark Tower book VI! It is the prettiest one thus far. The cover makes me want to do somersaults. Keith got me a Maple Leafs hat. Sweet. Oh, and of course, as a combined Christmas/Birthday/Valentine's present Nads is going to get me a video card. I can't wait for that. Anyone want my crappy old GeForce 2? Can you donate stuff like that? Hmm.
I'm usually more than a bit worried about what I'm getting for other people, too. I mean, I would not want to get a bad gift for anyone. Nads always tells me what she wants so it makes it a little easier. For Linda I got the Draconomicon, which is really pretty and I'm pretty sure she mentioned it being cool, but nonetheless - I'm worried. Richard and I got Pirates! for Mark, and I got the Creature Collection III for Richard. For Keith I got $25 Australian. That stuff is so cool.. can't wrinkle, hard to tear, and perfectly impossible to counterfeit! I want to give everyone the best gift ever!
I feel like I need to make some blanket statement about life to become wise. Some kind of catchy observation should propel me into stardom.
I am constantly amazed at the support I get from people. I don't understand how I can win any Dale Carnegie awards when I am in a room full of great people. I don't understand how I can win any roleplaying awards when Mark understands his character so well and Linda's backgrounds are always so incredibly detailed (and pictures to boot!). I don't understand why people would want to be around me or talk to me when there are so many interesting people out there. I don't get it, but I'm sure glad it happens.
Another thing I can't understand is people who don't want to excel at everything they like doing. I have a co-worker who I've suckered into playing Magic again, Christopher. He is so poor at the game though, and both Keith and I agree that he has no willingness to learn to play better. I personally want to be the best at everything I do or am. Of course, Chris also isn't the kind of person I'd like to hang out with... he's one of those wannabe know-it-all geeks with no maturity. The things I do for Magic.
Call me a geek, but I'm totally excited about Java 5.
I don't know why I start off all these entries with Linda, except that her livejournal inspires me to write here. It reminds me that I should probably keep this minor commitment, even if it's only to myself.
Her latest journal entry astounds me. Her feelings for her nanny unfortunately reflects my feelings for her. I wrote as much to her in the little note with the groomsmen gift I gave her, but I wonder if she's made the connection. If I never made the effort to see her or talk to her, she would never raise a finger to stop me from disappearing from her life. Maybe her nanny is why.
It makes me so sad. How do I express that I'm unimportant without sounding whiny? I don't know. It's just true.
Today one of my contacts bore a small hole and I went with one contact for a while. It was really hard to focus or think with one contact. Luckily, Keith is the greatest guy in the world and drove me home at lunch to pick up another one.
I often consider how I got to be the way I am. I seem to know some things about being diplomatic around the office, but I'm not sure how. More on this later.
Linda and Mark came over last night! It hardly matters what they came for, but Linda was *in my house*. I'm pretty certain she didn't enjoy it, and she was sick besides, but I myself am really happy she came. I think Mark had to do some major pleading, but it worked.
We practiced our Team Limited Magic. Wow, is it ever tough. Team Powerpuff managed to put together three decks in an hour and a half, which is about a half-hour than we actually should have. One deck was decent, the other two were... mediocore. We need to start from scratch and try to build them again. Linda and Mark got into a little spat, as usual, but calmed down rather soon. I can understand Mark's frustration, since there were several "You guys should just play with Richard" and similar comments. I can understand that Mark does not want to feel like he's forcing Linda to be on the team. But Linda likes to rub it in when she has the upper hand (or gain it by making it seem like more of an ordeal than it is).
I still feel bad about Richard though, now that he's not part of the team anymore. I don't feel it's justified because he was training someone or something like that, and that's why he missed practice. On the other hand, we'd never get a chance to practice if we waited for him.
Mark also bought us starters for a new CCG, Wars. It's Star Wars, but without the Star. It looks like a pretty cool game... damn him for potentially starting another addiction!
I've started on "How to stop worrying and start living" by Dale Carnegie. I've always been pretty immune to worry myself, so I think I will record my own tips on the matter here. First tip: You can stop worrying about the future by knowing you're going to succeed.
For you, it's on the house.
I'm only 47% Libra. I'm a terrible Libra. I'm a socially defunct, inactive Libra. Some things in the quiz I couldn't quite answer, like "You consider yourself attractive and like to be around attractive people". I mean, I have to answer false because the first half is false. But the second half is true. I should try all the signs and see what sign I should be.... results later. [Results are in!: 53% Scorpio (Linda), 67% Sagittarius (Nads), 47% Capricorn (Richard), 67% Aquarius (Ellen), 67% Pisces, 40% Aries, 27% Taurus, 53% Gemini (Mom), 53% Cancer (Mark), 47% Leo, 67% Virgo (Keith). I guess it figures that I'm more like almost everyone else than myself.]
I feel quite terrible for Richard. Originally, Linda, Mark, and I decided to go to the Team Limited event at Grand Prix Chicago. We were going to be Team Powerpuff, and our hair colours each matched one of the girls made from Sugar and Spice, and everything nice. But then Linda for some reason decides she sucks at Magic and decides to drop out from our team, and so we have Richard in her place. And of course he feels like a replacement or a sub. I'm usually the one left out... I should be. This feels worse than if I were the one left out. I can't help but think part of Linda's motive for dropping out is because she knows Richard wants to be part of the team. But what kind of team name will we have now? I really think Linda is really good under tournament conditions, though, and she has proven that she is better than all of us under those conditions. She's also decided she wants to become a judge... we need a montage of her learning Magic rules.
I am going to test all my diplomacy skills in the world tonight. Nads has previously mandated that Linda not be allowed in our home. I'm going to try to change that, because it's making my life hell. I've never let on how difficult it is, but I hate having to worry if, someday, Mark is coming over to my house and he brings Linda along. Or how I have to avoid the subject of why we can't play Magic at my house. It makes me sad that I can love two people so much and they can't get along. What's worse for me is that Linda is more tolerant than Nads is being, and even Linda wouldn't call herself a tolerant person. Plus, I have to hide this unreasonable stipulation from the gang so that they will not look poorly on Nads. You can't repair that kind of PR, and it will make my social life even harder.
Las Vegas. The city that never sleeps. It's interesting to see that their latest advertising campaign tries to appeal to people's desire to do evil, and to give in to temptation. What happens here, stays here. I'm not sure I like where the human race is headed.
