Okay. I refuse to read another random blog until the exponential growth of blogs that are clearly just advertising vessels cease, and reversed. It's not bad enough that I get blog spammed, but now it's like trying to find warez on the internet. I'm just waiting for the day I will get popups that I can't close from these fuckers. Grrrrr.
The concert started out a bit slow. We arrived in the middle of David Usher's set.... completely missed Jesus Was My Girl. Le sigh. But then Sloan came on, and they were rockin'. Chris Murphy is the penultimate showman. At one point he ran around the inner (standing) area of the arena and pointed to all the seated sections and made them cheer... and then ran back through the standing crowd back onto the stage, which started the revolution. Having previously been contained in their seats, he decided to invite everyone down to the standing area (like the ushers could stop us!) and the concert went from good to far out from there. And of course, there were lots of jump kicks (while playing the guitar) by Mr. Murphy. He had some drumming antics as well, which were hilarious. Then came Finger Eleven. The lead singer was on some serious drugs. One of their band members (bass or guitar player?) seemed completely extraneous as he was just randomly throwing his instrument around and flailing his arm at it once in a while. And the lead singer left the stage a few times (to call 911?). Unfortunately, they played almost everything from their new album and only three songs from the better album, and not even the best ones. That's right, they didn't play Tip. Good Times was completely radical in concert though.
With that in mind, I've developed some kind of secret tech to putting on a good concert: max(enjoyment of songs people may not know) + total hardcore rock(songs that everyone knows) = fantastic concert. This could be as big as the theory of relativity, folks. You saw it here first. I think the main reason the Sloan show was so great was that even though I didn't know some of the songs, I still had a great time because they were constantly having fun on stage.
I created a gentleman pirate wrestler (of course, the gentlemanship is just a veneer) on Saturday, which took forever, and I haven't even assigned his move list yet! Do we really need 154 eyebrows to choose from? Anyway, the game's enjoyment will skyrocket for me once I have my own wrestler so it will be worth it.
I just finished Tactics and I started FF IX. Oh my god, I am so in love. Except for Steiner (I named him Raws), he can pretty much just go to hell at this point. But everything else: so good. I spent an hour playing the card game... this better not be another blitzball.
I had a series of three tragic nightmares last night (3BB). Okay, they weren't that tragic but they disturbed my sleep enough. The first one was my mom totally flipping out and banging on our door and Nads getting really pissed and was going to confront her. At that point my mom had set off the fire alarm and removed an extinguisher and was banging on the door with it, until firemen/policemen came to drag her away like a crazy person. That dream was from guilt, I'm pretty certain. The next one, I had a fight with my dad. He was just waiting for me in front of my door. I didn't want to hurt him, but in the end he forced me to stomp on his face and then he gave up. A little while after he told me he was proud of me and that the fight wasn't serious, and I felt a bit better. The third nightmare was a bit bizarre. I was part of some group at a swimming pool, and we had divided into two teams, and each team became this gang in a play (think West Side Story in the pool). For some reason Linda did not want to get in the pool and I was going to comfort her but Mark was already doing that so I thought I'd best not interfere (is this a recurrence of what happened when Leo ran away?). Anyway, as the musical proceeded, there was another girl I knew (but I don't know her in awake-world) and for some reason she was thrown down and her swimsuit ripped open, bearing her boobies for all to see (although I didn't see them, I was paying attention to something else). Needless to say she was traumatized and I took her indoors to comfort her. Then she asked me to find out who the boys were that did this to her, and to my advantage I had the cast list. However, since I didn't see it happen I still had no faces to put to the names, and my task was more difficult because they were now playing a game that involved flying (real) spaceships around and I had no one to interrogate. Eventually, the girl and I were in a van, and some other girl who was in the gang was driving by in a UPS-like van, so I quickly got out and jumped in so that I could ask her if she saw what happened. She gave me the names I was looking for, but just as she did, the traumatized girl drove her truck, flipped in a ditch and crushed some children and was no where near the culprits in question. I was very saddened that she took her life and that I was a complete failure at comforting her.
I saw that episode of Futurama again last night. Yes, the most profoundly sad episode of Futurama ever. Poor Fry. You'd never think love from a cyclops would be so hard to obtain.
I've been reading random blogs. It is a lot like Russian roulette... for every five duds you get one winner (loser?). I did find one really amusing post at http://purplepowwow.blogspot.com though. Working in thrift store sounds like an adventure. There are some blog crimes out there though, that I hope never to commit. Some of them are:
1) Clutter your page with crap. Do we really need every inch of space filled with content?
2) Blogs about politics. You are about the 1 billionth person to post on any topic concerning politics. If you live in California, all your opinions about political issues are void. The whole state is like America's one big publicity stunt... it's sickening.
3) Blogs by parents. All they do is talk about their kids. Orbit some other planet.
4) Stupid truncations. Like u r 4ever going 2 b stupid.
5) Blogs from the point of view of pets. It was amusing when the first person did it. Stop now.
I spoke with Linda two nights ago. I forgot about not injecting myself into the conversation... I hope I'll remember next time. I am totally feeling like dog poo that she received an invitation to the concert too late. I can't believe Mark was so stubborn that he didn't even invite her yesterday. I mean, it'd be too late, but it'd still be better than not inviting her at all.
It's 2:15pm and no one has told me what the plan is for pickups. We are the superstars of planning. For the first time in a long time, I was completely bored yesterday. I just sat around trying to decide what to do to cure my boredom for a long time. It didn't help that the PS2 was in use and I really wanted to play Final Fantasy Tactics. I'm so close to the end.
Another thing about person blogs that I've noticed: Everyone seems to think their life/observations are crazy, but it's all pretty much the same. I've seen some of this stuff in movies, books, shows... somewhere. I know my thoughts aren't unique. They're also incompl.
One thing I don't do in arguments that seem rather popular with other people: Tell the other person to leave, or make myself inaccessible. I don't like to hurt people, I guess... maybe I crave reconciliation. I mean, I can see situations where I would want someone to leave, but they would have to be very extreme and not something silly like an argument over trivial things. Maybe I just have more foresight than most people when I'm in an argument, but I don't ever want to say things that will put a relationship beyond repair.
Eric Lindros for 1.5 million. What the heck are the Leafs doing?
Things are worse on the Richard front. Still, I have hope it will be better. He must decide to beat it. He must. Mark and Linda are still not in the best of terms, despite my best efforts. I'm not sure when Mark became so intolerant of Linda's difficulties, but it seems irrational. He claims he just doesn't want to deal with her anymore, but he's being just as unforgiving as she is. Why waste our little time together on this? I don't know. I can't get enough time with them and I can't imagine wasting it being angry.
I realize that in my last post I had left out Jen's animal. I had thought about it in that shower, but I couldn't find one that fitting... it doesn't help that I don't know all that much about animals (much of my knowledge comes from Disney cartoons). I think I came to the conclusion of an ape.
Last last Saturday, on my way to the streetcar I was accosted by a crazy person. He was clearly talking to himself as he walked down the street (in the opposite direction), but I didn't think he would bother me... I hoped it. So, of course, he stops right in front of me and starts talking to me about trains. At first I was polite and stopped to listen, but as the minutes wore on I started to displace myself. He followed along, talking about trains - how they work, what they're powered by, their velocity. I'm not sure his facts were completely accurate. Near the streetcar platform he subtly asked me for bus fare so I gave him a token. We said our goodbyes and I boarded the streetcar. I'd like to think that I gave him the token out of pity and not fear, but in retrospect I should never have given him the token. I really shouldn't encourage this kind of behaviour from crazy people.
You are the perfect slug, the perfect slug, the perfect slug
Today in the shower I found the answer to the ever important question: what animals would we be if we were all animals?
Nads - Lioness
Mark - Tiger
Linda - Cat
Richard - Chameleon
Ellen - Sloth
Me - Dog
If there is one truth to my life, it's that bad things happen to my computer. I feel terrible about it... when Mark was installing the new ultra-l33t fan for my video card, he accidentally scratched it and he is replacing it. Knowing the financial strife he is going through, it is not a good feeling. I tried to convince him to wait until he has a job but he says he feels bad. And round and round we go.
I think what I need to get me back into focus at work is to do a huge project. I'm going to do a large project, that's final. I still need to do some practice questions on the Google Code Jam.
So, I'm going to stick with the family structure that's in my head in regards to the gang. I think we're headed through rough times, and some members of the family don't like/don't talk to each other or whatever, but we're still a family, right? I have to believe that? I don't really know... it's really upsetting me (I can feel it in my stomach). I suck as a mediator.
Something Mark told me got me thinking though... is Linda's recent bonding with me some attempt to make him jealous? I hope not, but I don't know... I am a tool, as she likes to proclaim. That leads me to wonder why I think it would be okay anyway, just because she is important to me... even though... it hurts to even think about it. Eyeore never had it so good.
Regarding Richard's situation... I think he is at a point now where he can either take complete control of his life and his past or let the disorder crush him and derail his life. Having grown up with him I realize it'd be all too easy for him to succumb and go back to the way his life was before Jen (thankfully) walked into his life. She totally has the right idea and the right motive. But I think Richard needs to do this part on his own. Just deciding which direction to go, and realizing that he can definitely control enough parts to make things go that way (even if he doesn't know how). Tony Robbins stuff, I guess. Faith. Fear and Trembling.
I'm still in the funk. I don't understand what it is... I've totally lost the zest I had for my job. It's not a bad job at all. If it wasn't paying so poorly it'd be a great job. Something is wrong with *me*. I'm distracted, overly tired, and knowing that Richard has his anxiety disorder makes it even worse. Knowing that Mark is into money problems makes it worse. Knowing Linda would quit the D&D group if it wasn't for me makes it worse. Knowing I'm not very productive with my review coming up is making it worse. My stupid computer issues are making it worse.
The revelation that Mark and Richard used to complain and be downright mean about each other behind each others' backs is also kind of disturbing. It makes me wonder what kind of shit they've said about me. I guess not everyone can have my flowery lenses. It's also extremely difficult to properly converse with Richard when he brings up Linda. He can't understand why he can't win with her, and I can barely control myself and keep myself from releasing all my fury. But, I manage to keep calm with thoughts like, he's sick and terrified right now, it's probably not the best time to confront him.
I think this is the whole problem with the gang's group dynamic: Everyone has been really nice to me. All the horrible stories I've heared about how they treat each other... none of them are directed towards me. I don't really understand the protective veil that's been shielding me from these horrors, and I'm not even sure I'm glad to have it. Maybe I'm so dumb that I don't realize when people I care about do horrible things to me. I'm like that puppy you can just keep kicking but he'll still come back.
Chris' place is beginning to be that magical place where fun happens, like Mark's place used to be. In a way, being in the city (and everyone having cars) will never be the same though, because we have no excuses to stay over. Not that Linda enjoyed staying over very much, but there is a certain camaraderie that happens when you wake up with the same people and hang out with them some more... I can't explain it any better than that. I would lose hours of sleep and be cold as hell on Mark's floor, but it was all worth it in the end. Good times.
Linda called me a tool for women. It's kinda true, I guess. I question the fact that it's for all women though... am I? I don't know.
I have this bump on my head. I think something bit me there but I'm not quite sure. Anyway, it doesn't look too good. Maybe it's a tumour.
It's been really stressful at work lately... things keep going inexplicably haywire.
I'm excited about this Daggerspell Siblings character concepts that Linda and I are working on. It'll be fun making up memories and interacting with each other. There will be a mad fight over who gets the magic daggers, though, boy.
With the story arc near an end in the current campaign, there may be an opportunity to play Isaac again. Man it'll be great to play him again...
I've decided what to do. It's a good feeling.
Richard and Mark are disgruntled about going to Chris' house to play because it takes longer to get to, but we never start playing until 8 and none of us usually care that much about getting up. Plus there's much more room there and well-conditioned. Not that I ever minded Linda's place, but she seems to want to play at Chris', so I don't see the issue.
I tried out Nightmare chess last night. What a blast! There were some key moments including when I played fireball to use my bishop to blow up his Queen, three pawns and my other bishop. What a busted card.
The recent computer stupidness I've been suffering through will be termed and put into a book in the Bible. When a modern Ramses refuses to let the Jews go, he will experience what I'm going through right now.
I think I am going to be overflowing with sadness and guilt. I have been so negligent towards Linda and she has been feeling left out of the gang. All these years we've been together and she still doesn't have faith that I'd never abandon her. We had one of our randomly long palavers, except this time she was the one who initiated it. I knew something was wrong when she asked about Nads. =P
Our conversations are bizarrely one sided, not that I mind. And I think I'm positively being paranoid here, but all we talk about is her. I mean, that's what I want to talk about, because I want to know more about her, but she never asks a single thing about me. I throw out some random things connecting myself and the topic just to locate myself in the conversation... next time I won't mention a single word about me and see how it goes. It's interesting as an indicator of what she thinks of me, I think. She did say she wants me to be happy, though, and that makes me feel great.
I am having trouble sleeping. Declaring this comes with a great level of guilt, as I'm sure it's nowhere near what Mark's been experiencing for the past year or so, and I feel I have no right to complain. Something is not right with me, though. I'm entirely fucked up in a fundamentally cosmic way. And Linda just told me something that I will never forget. I want to cry and hurt someone when I think about it. Heaven help me, I really don't know what to do.
I am so addicted to Battlefield 2. As usual Mark and Richard has me hooked and they're busy doing other things so I'm left to play alone (online) all the time. However, still fun. I'm just discovering the joy of Special Forces... it's like taking your first baby steps.
I had a close encounter with my computer. It started smoking like crazy and there was a burning smell. Thank God it turned out to be just the power supply, and I replaced it with an uber-quiet one. Go thermaltake! It was cheap, it has connectors for future expansion, and it has more power than my previous one.
Someone recommended that I try out Maple Story. It's free, it's anime, it's an MMORPG, so I'm going to check it out. I was hoping for more Secret of Mana-esque style of play, but it doesn't look that way from the screenshots. Still, how can you argue with free? I don't know about this business with having to log in to their website (not the game) only with IE, though. Everyone knows Firefox is where it's at.
... wow. This entire post was entirely too Penny-Arcade.
I'm so messed up. I've been getting less and less sleep lately, and what sleep I've been getting is not restful. I am the object of tangible pressure... it is literally weighing me down. Enough with the dramatics, I suppose.
Linda likes me when she's completely drunk. This is what I've determined. And she won't remember it the next day. I've started thinking of Nads, Linda, and my mom as my personal "Three Tragedies". I find myself speculating on this sitcom-esque situation has come about, that the three most important women in my life are at odds and generally making my life a miserable hell.
My rapidly sinking mood is not visible - it never will be. Nads tells me that she just gets calmer as stuff is happening to her (e.g., if she is choking she barely makes any noise or motion), I guess I am the same on an emotional level. Even if it was visible, who could do anything about it? Nads can't simply because she is part of the pressure.
As it is sandal season and thus the revelation of many feet, I find myself looking at people's feet and trying to discern something about them... So far the only thing I've been able to achieve is to be more confused; why do women do such horrible things to their feet (I assume from high heels and similarly unhealthy footwear)?
Does this mean hell == Radio Shack?
The recommended pronounciation for forte is fort. How completely mind-boggling. They need to decouple sounds and meanings as much as possible, I think, and not create more homonyms. What a wacky, wacky world (word?).
There is something about being in a funk that is... compounding. The people you are cheering for lose, you start losing every game you play, and the words I can't loom so near. Something about it is also appealing though, some part of me just wishes the streak would never end. Maybe then I'd have an excuse to quit, or I'd be such a tragic character that people may shower me with attention.
Being a manager is a tough gig, unless you're not human. I sympathize with my lackeys and I hate to pressure them and I'd rather foster them instead of criticising. Having to talk to them about disciplinary action is part of what I signed up for, though. I want them to succeed.
The nature of internet journals, personal webpages, and the like are intriguing to me. I guess I'm metablogging this in some way, but I'm sure it's been done a few million times already. Society has gotten to the point where our validation comes from these utilities.
It is a natural and effective progression in the evolution of human needs. We need to be validated, and we need people to be witnesses to our lives in order for that to happen. Computers has made that relation more efficient. No longer are those two acts coupled tightly and inseperable. They have provided a layer in between the need and the witness. Now, I can post something and feel validated, while someone may or may not witness it at their own convenience. None of this "getting together" stuff.
For example, Linda uses her journal to convey her cleverness to validate her identity. Acceptable. People read it, they respond, they care - whatever, but it has nothing to do with how clever she feels when logging her thoughts. Ellen's new website (which is what triggered this line of thought) is great. I like reading about her in a format that is convenient to me. It carries tons of personal facts that encapsulate her identity and existence. Yay for her. I use this blog as a way to force myself to write, even though sometimes I wish someone would read it, so that my validation would be authentic.
Sometimes, like this post here, I catch myself writing to a non-existent audience. Sometimes I catch myself bringing up this blog to someone - just a casual throw into a conversation, but no one asks to read it. It's just as well, for they may get bored quickly.
Do you know how much you scare me when you tell me you may no longer love us
the tremors shake loose
the debris; my adhesive
is not as strong as you.
