Every smile you fake, every claim you stake

Whether it's because I am a single child who had a busy, rarely home single parent growing up, I entered this "family" phase when I was 15. Almost every girl I met, and with my closest guy friends, I wanted to name our bond "brother" or "sister". I mean, some of my high school mates did this too, and they were quite needy. We eventually had this family tree that didn't exist but in words. We cared about them as youths do. I read Stranger in a Strange Land and was enamoured with the idea of a Water Sister, and I got one. How strange these relationships may have seemed to the girls involved. I feel like I should apologize.

When I was 16, or Grade 10, I went through a drastic change. I abandoned trying to be popular with everyone, I hated being a fob, and I went through the usual rebellion and search for authenticity that most kids do. I was goth in a true spirit - I wanted to be alone, and to find out who I can rely on, if any. I entirely rejected who I was only a year ago.

Then I met the gang. The sequence of events I'm proposing here may be disorganized, so if anyone tells you different, they're probably right. Well, I had met them before through some BBS meets and stuff, but it was at this time that we started to roleplay every weekend. And we started doing other things, of course, like going to concerts (something I don't do anymore), or Swedish fairs. And ever since then they have become the closest people to me (except, of course, for my wife. My mom is a bit different, in the way that our relationships to our mother usually are). But it never occurred to me, until this past birthday when Linda gave me a card with a note that says you'll always be our little brother, that they really are my family. In the wake of the backlash against my tendency to try and create false family ties, real ones had developed. Even though I never thought of it that way, I felt that deeply for them. Another reason may be that I never trusted my acceptance with them, something that I'm not sure I'll ever get over, but something that may not be entirely bad. It certainly keeps me on the best behaviour when they are around!

I said "You look so fine and I really want to make you mine"

I realized how aptly I named this blog when I broke down and bought World of Warcraft. I am a huge Blizzard fanboy but I had resisted all this time because of the monthly fees and because I knew the game would consume my life. And now it has. I can't stop thinking about it... I want to be home and play.

The worst thing is, I was really having fun with Knights of the Old Republic. I guess I can play that when the server is down or something like that. And I'm sure I can't play WoW for too many hours straight.. right? Oh boy. I'm reading the manual on the bus... I'm looking at community sites when I'm at work. It's almost all I can talk about.

I am supposed to be interviewing someone right now, but it looks like they're not showing up. Bummer.

But I really think it's better this way

The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care.

Vince Carter needs to go to basketball hell. His character is almost of a vile sort. Though certainly not evil, his utter lack of professional principles should convince teams to leave him with no place on any team forever. When he first came to Toronto, we worshipped him. We made excuses for him. We bought his merchandise. And he didn't even give us his best. What is worse is that he suggests talented people do not have to try hard, which is one of the worst messages you can send to the youth who are supposed to love the game. Sports heroes? Don't look at basketball. The proportion of ego to ball size is greater in B-Ball than any other sport, and that is a tough title to win, considering the silly endzone dances they have in football.

We walked the narrow path, beneath the smoking skies

Such sweet poetry.

I am an awful mess. I haven't done anything good for anyone lately, and it leaves me with a spiritual dread in this time of tsunami's(sp?) and child kidnappings. I mean, I've donated like every other decent being on this earth, but still... I'd like to do more for those around me, you know?

Well, of course, in particular my friends and Nads and my mom, but even people who have been peripherally nice to me... like my Godmother Teresa. I didn't even call her to say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year and such.. I'm such a horrible person. Perhaps I should make a resolution. It feels like that kind of moment.

I'm on a roll, with all the girls I know

I had an interesting discussion about authenticity last night. Of course, this is a discussion I've had many times, and my position on it is difficult, to say the least. It's hard convincing people that the authentic self that everyone is looking for is not our instinctual selves, but rather the modified self. For example, someone who tries to correct potentially annoying behaviour because she cares whether she is annoying those around them. Let's say she wants to say something, but doesn't. I would argue that this person hasn't betrayed her "natural" (authentic) self at all. She *is* that filter. We are our minds, and that is what separates us from beasts. In general, I think we must believe that we are our modified selves, or that we could never improve and that we are slaves of instinct and habit. I am quite aware that I do not act the same way with everyone, but that is because I'd like to act in the way best suited to the person I'm around, and that is me. I like to please, or I'm happy when others are happy. Whatever you like.

Richard cancelled on our session at the last minute last night, again. I was already on my way to Linda's house, in fact. We still had a fun time, playing this new game called Lunch Money, but it was rather annoying. I am bothered by two facts about this incident:

a) there was no advance notice
b) Richard has given different reasons to different people

I'm exhausted. I can't remember if these kinds of things always happened before, or somehow our dynamics have changed into this retarded environment. He told Sabrina that he was to work early and didn't want to stay out late, which is something he left out when he talked to Linda. He told Linda that he just didn't have anything prepared, and he had not known we were playing so he didn't want to prepare it, and he didn't want to spend his holidays preparing it. There are a lot of valid reasons in there, and I could accept any of those (except that he didn't know if we were playing, because we play unless someone cancels), if he told us in *advance*. Linda said she got the impression that Richard feels like he's the victim in all this, which just makes it worse, because he'll be on the defensive. I don't think I'm going to touch this one.

We went to MexiTaco and I asked for some hot sauce. The waiter/proprietor/dude prepared some and as he put it on the table he told me "You're on your own". That could explain my stomach turbulence this morning.

Mark and Linda got into another argument last night, with Mark threatening to leave and Linda telling him to do so. Mostly I just sit back and try to let them resolve it, until Mark was gathering his stuff, then I tried to saying something. The argument was about how Linda's Meloku deck was pretty much entirely Mark's creation and he tells her that "a smart person would do this". Linda has mounting frustration over the poor performance of her deck and is enjoying Magic less. So I said that in the end we really just want her to have fun and no matter what we say and how we come across, we still want that. And if the changes we suggest will make her enjoy the game less than by all means ignore them. Things calmed down eventually, but I still think Linda was unsatisfied by the end of the night.

I got home at around 1 and Nads and I talked until 2:30am. I got five hours of sleep.

It hurts me so to see you go 'round with someone new

There is something about Court shows that are just sick. Having spent a couple of weekdays at home, and with Nads subjecting me to them, I realize why I hate them so much: the courtroom is a place where the media should not go. I don't care that it is only small claims court. The principle is appalling. Consider someone who is writing in a private journal, and the same person who writes in a private journal on national TV, where every individual in the country can see what that person is writing. The entries, I hypothesize, would not be the same. No one should have to sit in court and have to wonder whether the judge is saying things or acting a certain way because s/he has a national audience.

On to brighter news, I really scored with the gang! Mark got me this hot World Series of Poker set with amazing quality chips. I'm right now trying to do the chip shuffle that the Pros always do, but I'm having some difficulty. Does anyone have any tips? Linda got me this high quality Puma made Maple Leafs touque! Now I can look dorky in style. And Richard gave me this ultimate edition Cassern DVD. I can't wait to see it.. it looks pretty awesome. Richard and Jen also gave Nads and I a napkin holder and napkin pack. Pretty handy.. maybe they noticed that we seriously lacked napkins last time they were over? Hmm...

This only adds to my hosting anxiety. I try to be a good host whenever people come over, but I can't help but feel that they're bored or whatever. I try desperately to entertain, but I'm pretty horrible at it. I also attempt not to feel hurt when people leave early, but people like Ellen and Sabrina always do. And they usually leave to go somewhere else. I realize that people have things to do... I guess I'm just used to the gang because we always hang out until the witching hours.

I'll get back up and we can do it all over again

Merry Christmas everyone. I'm still terrible at this blog thing.. I can't believe it.

I had an decent Christmas. Relaxing and filling. I had to spend like 2 days in Brampton though, which was quite dreadful, since they only have dialup at my in-laws'. I had to do some shopping online through said dial-up... I wanted to shoot myself.

I am grateful for all the presents I got... the heat fan is making my life so much warmer. I got another nice sweater from my parents in-law. We're having our gang's celebration tonight.. I can't wait! They always get me things that are just for me. I mean.. well, the sweater is just for me, but it's not what my heart really wanted, you know? I didn't wake up any day of this year thinking "Gee, I wish I had a new sweater". Shantz got me something spectacular... Dark Tower book VI! It is the prettiest one thus far. The cover makes me want to do somersaults. Keith got me a Maple Leafs hat. Sweet. Oh, and of course, as a combined Christmas/Birthday/Valentine's present Nads is going to get me a video card. I can't wait for that. Anyone want my crappy old GeForce 2? Can you donate stuff like that? Hmm.

I'm usually more than a bit worried about what I'm getting for other people, too. I mean, I would not want to get a bad gift for anyone. Nads always tells me what she wants so it makes it a little easier. For Linda I got the Draconomicon, which is really pretty and I'm pretty sure she mentioned it being cool, but nonetheless - I'm worried. Richard and I got Pirates! for Mark, and I got the Creature Collection III for Richard. For Keith I got $25 Australian. That stuff is so cool.. can't wrinkle, hard to tear, and perfectly impossible to counterfeit! I want to give everyone the best gift ever!

Finally someone let me out of my cage

I feel like I need to make some blanket statement about life to become wise. Some kind of catchy observation should propel me into stardom.

I am constantly amazed at the support I get from people. I don't understand how I can win any Dale Carnegie awards when I am in a room full of great people. I don't understand how I can win any roleplaying awards when Mark understands his character so well and Linda's backgrounds are always so incredibly detailed (and pictures to boot!). I don't understand why people would want to be around me or talk to me when there are so many interesting people out there. I don't get it, but I'm sure glad it happens.

Another thing I can't understand is people who don't want to excel at everything they like doing. I have a co-worker who I've suckered into playing Magic again, Christopher. He is so poor at the game though, and both Keith and I agree that he has no willingness to learn to play better. I personally want to be the best at everything I do or am. Of course, Chris also isn't the kind of person I'd like to hang out with... he's one of those wannabe know-it-all geeks with no maturity. The things I do for Magic.

Call me a geek, but I'm totally excited about Java 5.

you make me hard, when i'm all soft inside

I don't know why I start off all these entries with Linda, except that her livejournal inspires me to write here. It reminds me that I should probably keep this minor commitment, even if it's only to myself.

Her latest journal entry astounds me. Her feelings for her nanny unfortunately reflects my feelings for her. I wrote as much to her in the little note with the groomsmen gift I gave her, but I wonder if she's made the connection. If I never made the effort to see her or talk to her, she would never raise a finger to stop me from disappearing from her life. Maybe her nanny is why.

It makes me so sad. How do I express that I'm unimportant without sounding whiny? I don't know. It's just true.

Today one of my contacts bore a small hole and I went with one contact for a while. It was really hard to focus or think with one contact. Luckily, Keith is the greatest guy in the world and drove me home at lunch to pick up another one.

I often consider how I got to be the way I am. I seem to know some things about being diplomatic around the office, but I'm not sure how. More on this later.

Mother Mary won't you whisper?

Linda and Mark came over last night! It hardly matters what they came for, but Linda was *in my house*. I'm pretty certain she didn't enjoy it, and she was sick besides, but I myself am really happy she came. I think Mark had to do some major pleading, but it worked.

We practiced our Team Limited Magic. Wow, is it ever tough. Team Powerpuff managed to put together three decks in an hour and a half, which is about a half-hour than we actually should have. One deck was decent, the other two were... mediocore. We need to start from scratch and try to build them again. Linda and Mark got into a little spat, as usual, but calmed down rather soon. I can understand Mark's frustration, since there were several "You guys should just play with Richard" and similar comments. I can understand that Mark does not want to feel like he's forcing Linda to be on the team. But Linda likes to rub it in when she has the upper hand (or gain it by making it seem like more of an ordeal than it is).

I still feel bad about Richard though, now that he's not part of the team anymore. I don't feel it's justified because he was training someone or something like that, and that's why he missed practice. On the other hand, we'd never get a chance to practice if we waited for him.

Mark also bought us starters for a new CCG, Wars. It's Star Wars, but without the Star. It looks like a pretty cool game... damn him for potentially starting another addiction!

I've started on "How to stop worrying and start living" by Dale Carnegie. I've always been pretty immune to worry myself, so I think I will record my own tips on the matter here. First tip: You can stop worrying about the future by knowing you're going to succeed.

What did the bartender say to the roof when it ordered a beer?

For you, it's on the house.

I'm only 47% Libra. I'm a terrible Libra. I'm a socially defunct, inactive Libra. Some things in the quiz I couldn't quite answer, like "You consider yourself attractive and like to be around attractive people". I mean, I have to answer false because the first half is false. But the second half is true. I should try all the signs and see what sign I should be.... results later. [Results are in!: 53% Scorpio (Linda), 67% Sagittarius (Nads), 47% Capricorn (Richard), 67% Aquarius (Ellen), 67% Pisces, 40% Aries, 27% Taurus, 53% Gemini (Mom), 53% Cancer (Mark), 47% Leo, 67% Virgo (Keith). I guess it figures that I'm more like almost everyone else than myself.]

I feel quite terrible for Richard. Originally, Linda, Mark, and I decided to go to the Team Limited event at Grand Prix Chicago. We were going to be Team Powerpuff, and our hair colours each matched one of the girls made from Sugar and Spice, and everything nice. But then Linda for some reason decides she sucks at Magic and decides to drop out from our team, and so we have Richard in her place. And of course he feels like a replacement or a sub. I'm usually the one left out... I should be. This feels worse than if I were the one left out. I can't help but think part of Linda's motive for dropping out is because she knows Richard wants to be part of the team. But what kind of team name will we have now? I really think Linda is really good under tournament conditions, though, and she has proven that she is better than all of us under those conditions. She's also decided she wants to become a judge... we need a montage of her learning Magic rules.

I am going to test all my diplomacy skills in the world tonight. Nads has previously mandated that Linda not be allowed in our home. I'm going to try to change that, because it's making my life hell. I've never let on how difficult it is, but I hate having to worry if, someday, Mark is coming over to my house and he brings Linda along. Or how I have to avoid the subject of why we can't play Magic at my house. It makes me sad that I can love two people so much and they can't get along. What's worse for me is that Linda is more tolerant than Nads is being, and even Linda wouldn't call herself a tolerant person. Plus, I have to hide this unreasonable stipulation from the gang so that they will not look poorly on Nads. You can't repair that kind of PR, and it will make my social life even harder.

Hive of scum and villainy

Las Vegas. The city that never sleeps. It's interesting to see that their latest advertising campaign tries to appeal to people's desire to do evil, and to give in to temptation. What happens here, stays here. I'm not sure I like where the human race is headed.

I'm not sick, but I'm not well

I've had a stupid dry cough for days.

I have kind of avoided the issue, avoided thinking about it, but I, like every other self-righteous neighbour of the Americans, must discuss the Bush re-administration. People keep wondering: how did he win? Everyone has specific answers: fear, undereducation, etc. but at its most general principle, Bush just told them what the wanted to hear. He created the want with some help from 9/11, and then told them over and over again the only thing they needed to hear. That's it. Notice that New York, the state that was most devastated by the event, when two-thirds in Kerry's favour. They're not buying it. But the majority of America is.

USA is no longer about ideals. Each individual is about themselves, about one's own safety. Bush took care of the American conscience too, masquerading the selfishness behind ideals. With every action that Bush takes he is leading America into a hive of fear and villainy. But let's face it, he's just doing what America wants. Bush is merely the aspect of the evolution of America from a country of ideals to a country of selfish egocentricity. The majority of Americans are already there, have evolved over much time, took a big huge leap here and there.

So just remember, as much as we can blame Bush for being a warmongering criminal, he is but a reflection of America and its future.

I'm going out to buy a bulletproof vest.

Phenomenal Cosmic Power!

I do not like deciding people's futures. I'm feel like that's what I'm doing when I choose who I'm going to interview, and who's going to get the job. I feel like that when I have to evaluate my new employees at the end of their probation.

I'm not on the Pro Tour (yet). We are assembling a team for PTQ Atlanta, though!

I'm really losing faith in my Magic abilities, though. I've sucked at the Sealed decks that we have had within the gang. It's not pretty... I'm branded before the slaughter.

Nads wants a new career. I hope she finds it. She was really angry at me for the sleepover at Mark's on Friday, which now even she realizes is pretty crazy.

I discovered Mai Thai's on Saturday Morning. What a great sipping drink!

The Simpsons' new Treehouse of Horror sucked so bad I wanted to cry. Where are the Simpsons that made me laugh until I hurt?

Times 1, Times 2

I've stolen this from Linda's livejournal. She stole it from smushbox.


Three things I'm wearing right now:
1- Black socks
2- Wedding ring
3- Clear contacts
Three things on my desk:
1- Headphones
2- Mooncake
3- Post-It pad
Three things I want to do before I die:
1- Write a book
2- Learn Japanese
3- Get a Masters degree
Three good things about my personality:
1- I'm loyal
2- I'm easy-going
3- I'm loving
Three bad things about my personality:
1- I'm lazy
2- I'm empathy-challenged
3- I'm unwise
Three things I like about my body:
1- My metabolism
2- My immune system
3- My lips
Three things I don't like about my body:
1- My nose
2- My bones
3- My eyes
Three things most people don't know about me:
1- I don't lie, except to my mom
2- I'm really emotional
3- I'm not Swedish
Three things I say the most:
1- "Well..."
2- "That's retarded"
3- "Okay, but it's your funeral"
Three places I want to go:
1- Japan
2- England
3- Sweden
Three names I go by:
1- Don Tam
2- Ho Yen
3- Don McDougall
Three screen-names I have had:
1 - Thragar
2 - Diaphanous
3 - Sewerrat

I'm walking on sunshine

I don't exactly feel good. I feel like when God was handing out inspiring childhood tales, I somehow was not in line. Tonight at class everyone had pretty inspiring childhood stories, about how they came back to face their bullies, or how they were at the brink of teenage destruction but there was that one adult to bail them out.

I told a shitty, uninspiring story. It was one of two dead dad stories of the night. I couldn't think of a real lesson that I learned from my dad dying. The only effects I could really think of were bad: I don't have confidence in being a father myself, I hate relying on people's help, and the lack of a strong role model just made me try and mesh everyone's identities together to form my own. But of course I couldn't do that, so I thought about it the whole class (I was one of the last to present), and I realized that it did teach me something: that I was going to be different. Sure, plenty of Hong Kong people had immigrated, and plenty had dads still in Hong Kong working to support them, but how many of them were dead? None that I knew of. I wasn't afraid to do anything different after that. Resisting peer pressure was a breeze. I always made the smart choices, possibly because no one was there to rebel against. I've always done things differently or looked at things differently, and that is probably because of the lack of authoritative influence. I hated structured instruction even throughout university and preferred to learn on my own. And I've realized that it takes a lot out of me to try and identify a mentor.

I've always relied on the gang for moral outlook, or what's cool. But they weren't authorities. That makes me feel a bit better about fatherhood, about my potential as a father. I'm going to have a new way to raise my kid, and that's probably okay.

We've all been in one situation or another we regret

If you don't know which song that line is from, I suggest you find out.
What a perfect, perfect song. The lyrics, the atmosphere, the tune.. it's all there. I'm so glad they're Canadian.

I've been taking this Dale Carnegie course for 2 weeks now (translation: two classes) and I think I'm actually going to enjoy standing up and talking in front of people. I wasn't nearly as terrified as I thought. Next week we have to talk about a significant moment in our lives... I think I'm going to use the moment that I found out what love is. The problem is that the story isn't very exciting. I had an epiphany on a bus ride one day. I don't remember where I was going, or where I came from, just that it suddenly dawned on me. And my mother was the source of it... she taught me what love is. So I guess she's done her job. And at a young age of 17, I tried to discover someone else who would realize the same... but my girlfriend back then, Catherine, was too immature to understand, and we broke up, but of course, that's when fate lead me to Nads. Man, that story isn't going to take close to 2 minutes. Maybe I should talk about the moment I learned about Jacques Lacan's theory of psychoanalysis instead.

I want them spellbound, begging on their knees

So, here I am, guilty of not following through on my own initiative. I can't believe I can't even upkeep a journal... something is seriously wrong with me.

I had a voluptuous weekend. On Saturday we celebrated Linda's birthday. We started the day at Johnny's Burgers (a delicious joint for anyone in Toronto), then headed to Putting Edge glow-in-the-dark mini-golfing (where I reigned supreme!), rediscovered the joys of Skee-Ball at Dave and Buster's (all tickets went to Linda so that she could buy a bunch of girl stuff), took her to her favourite restaurant, and then headed back to Mark's for some hardcore drinking, Magic (can M:TG be hardcore?), and Tekken.

I really sucked at Tekken.

We decided we would all come up with Extended Mono Colour decks and each play a different colour and can play a 5p format that way. I was left with Red or Blue and I'm going with Red. Goblins are the obvious choice, or maybe I can do a Chance Encounters deck. Since we're agreeing to disallow artifacts and legendary land, I think my Drooling Ogres will kick some ass.

We all gave her pretty stellar presents. Mark gave her a foil Yosei, the Morning Star (he traded for mine), a Two Headed Dragon, Ryusei, the Falling Star, and a Plateau. Richard gave her a Spirited Away DVD. I gave her Sims 2, which means we will never see her again. Ever. I also gave her this Monster Manual that I made for her a while back, but I never gave to her. I couldn't remember why, but I remembered after giving it to her. I was afraid she'd just find it lame or stupid, and I think that's what she thought of it. I thought it was pretty good...

Richard and I are talking a little more now... we're sort of united by Magic. Richard and Linda seem to be getting along, bonding over Naruto. Linda claims that all the girls in Naruto are useless in the first 50 episodes, and that spawned an entire day of girls suck hilarity.

A couple of weeks ago was my birthday celebration with the gang and that was great too. We drank and did some hardcore Magic. They all pitched in to get me an entire box - 36 packs - of Kamigawa goodness. It's turning out to be my favourite set so far, so I'm really glad. That's when I opened a foil Yosei, the Morning Star. We did a sealed tourney with those packs, and Mark pretty much won. Nads got me Jesus Christ Superstar on DVD even though I was saving up my present money to get a new video card. Sabrina got me the last book in the Dark Tower series in the ever stylish hardcover. Ellen gave me an Old Navy sweatshirt.. it's comfy.

The week following that I had a good showing at the Sealed tourney on Sunday at 401. I finished 3-4 and got $5 credit. Of course, I opened another Yosei.

Heaven ain't close in a place like this

But I still have a lot to be thankful for. Happy Thanksgiving!

The cat came back...

Not exactly the very next day, but Leo is back!!! I wonder if my prayer did anything... is this providence?

I'm in some sort of videogame funk... I've quit Warcraft cold turkey, I've been kinda obsessing over Sims 2, but... I find myself not wanting to play it when i'm really tired. I think about starting SW:KoToR, but it seems like a long endeavour that I can't bring myself to get into. Something is wrong with me.

DDR Extreme comes out tomorrow.

I interviewed my first candidate with my VP. I added some tough questions and she didn't exactly answer those questions to my satisfaction. Are these questions unfair? They're purely analytical...

How many McDonald's are there in Ontario?
List 3 reasons why manhole covers are round.