We'll crucify the insincere tonight

I am in a wretchedly emo segment of my life. Beware, all those who stand in my way, though it'll be mostly just me, and poor, poor Nads.

Something to understand about me: I will never feel like I am worth someone's time or effort. Even if this person is a salesperson at a shoe store, I feel embarrassed that someone should help me when I deserve nothing. It takes a long, long time to convince me that a person actually cares and wants to help (when it's more than business), and even after that it's very easy, and nearly unavoidable, to break that trust again. I require an awful lot of care and effort.

This behaviour extends online, too. I will try to give gold to people who are helping me, even though I've helped them in the past and in all likelihood owe me a bit of help (but I don't keep track). But I guess that's only with people I like... most of the people on the internet are pretty dreadful.

I wonder what it says about me that I can't really keep acquaintances. If I don't love you in some way, there's pretty much no chance of us keeping contact. I tire of, and fear, transactional relationships. Surround myself with a fence of deep and meaningful relationships, that's the dream. And I can't see outside the fence. I don't want to. I can't think of a single person from any institution or company I've been with that I keep contact with on even an occasional basis, and there is nothing against them. Perhaps if situations were different and different aspects about them were exposed, we would be friends.

Can you be friends with someone and not really want to spend much time with them? Anyone who has bothered to ask knows that if I had infinite money, I would build a luxurious loft/condo complex so that all my friends and I can live on a separate story, with come common facilities where we can do things together. I want them close, and I want to take care of a large portion of their needs. I want to help them fulfill their dreams. I don't think I'd ever pay for everything though, because life starts to become meaningless at some point, doesn't it? Having to pay for things keeps us grounded, and keeps our minds on the sad realities of the world. As I think this I imagine myself lying down on some grassy earth, with my ear to the ground, listening.

I feel myself withdrawing, and I know that I am breaking beyond repair. I am sad every time I have a chance to think. And even though I know my life is pretty good, I can't let go of the problems that beset me. Maybe I'm just spoiled, even though I'm more than thankful for everything and everyone I have.

I want to record this nightmare from the other night in case I forget it. It was really short. Nev was talking to me about something online and I was really tired so I kept dozing off. She was slightly miffed and eventually I just had to log off and go to sleep. However, when I tried to get to sleep, I had to go to the bathroom. At nights I use the bathroom outside so that I don't disturb Jas. As I neared the door to the bathroom, I heard that the tv was on in the living room and wonder why Nads left it on. But it could wait until after, and suddenly I felt this evil, malicious presence. I tried to brush it off and reach for the light switch to the bathroom, but something was holding onto my sleeve and not letting me move. I became really scared and tried to walk back into my bedroom, but I was paralyzed, and not by fear, although it was consuming me at this point. With all my willpower I tried to cry for Nads to help, but only small and intelligible sounds came out. In the real, waking world, however, I made loud unintelligible sounds and I wasn't paralyzed. I was kicking around, and just as the overwhelming fear was about to give me a heart attack, Nads woke me up. My heart raced for many minutes, and slowly came the awful realization that I needed to go to the bathroom. I managed to muster up the courage and go after a few minutes, but I quietly cursed my subconscious. I wasn't in tears like when I had my worst nightmare ever, but I was really, really scared and it took me a very long time to calm down.

The next chapter involves the Watchmen. There are spoilers here, so if you haven't read the book or if you haven't watched the movie, you should skip this section. It is very true to the graphic novel, and for this reason I highly recommend reading the book before seeing the movie. I felt like some of the scenes would not interest anyone who did not read or maybe even enjoy the book. Rorshach translated surprisingly well to screen even with the broken sentence structure. He was a complete badass, and I thank Mr. Haley for doing my favourite character justice. Overall the movie was good, so I'll just cover the three problems I had with it:

It was often overdramatized. Slow motion felt a bit abused at times, even though I realize this is supposed to be the style of the movie, it was a bit jarring at some points. I found myself wondering if they really needed slow motion for that particular shot. Anyway, this was not a big deal in any way.

I felt the way Laurie Jupiter (Silk Spectre) discovers the identity of her father was completely forced (and dumbed down) and I did not feel the way I did when I read the novel. They also didn't spend a lot of time developing or showing Laurie's hatred for the Comedian, so it was hard to understand why she was so upset. Finally, I could have sworn I didn't actually see any tears.

But the thing that bothered me the most was Dan's (Nite Owl) stupid little outburst and lashing out at Adrian Veidt (Ozymandias) after Rorshach is killed. Not only was this defeating the point of Dan's character (he's supposed to be helpless in the face of the events, even though he is a masked hero with all these super gadgets), but even moreso than that, he very clearly tells us that what Adrian did is wrong. That really violates one of the things that makes Watchmen great, which is the ambiguity of ethics and the weird morality that exists through the entire novel and culminates with the destruction of millions to save billions. Was what Adrian did right or wrong? That is the question that the Watchmen asks of us, and Dan's little didactic tirade takes that question away.

Otherwise, the movie was good. The score was a compilation of fairly popular tunes, and I felt they might have been chosen for popularity rather than suitability, but I'm no music critic so I'm not really sure if you can count on my opinion on this. The action was visceral and brutal, and the nudity did not feel gratuitous or unnecessary. I'll watch it again.

I guess I should stop rambling. Needless to say I feel like crap. As only when someone you care about tells you “you're not worth the effort” can make you feel.

These are the things I could do without

---

Lily was never the perfect student. Sometimes traffic accidents and weather conditions would prevent her from reaching school, and dogs would occasionally eat her homework. She had made, as her New Year's resolution, a vow to try to be a good student, but today was harder than most. Her eyes closed for an extended blink once again.

She heard about the apiaceae and the convolvulvaceae, and it's not that she wasn't interested in the topic (botany was an elective for her after all), but she didn't sleep very well last night. Her roommates were partying hard and, being the responsible student that she was committed to being, she stayed in her room and tried to sleep.

With the energy she gained from the seconds long nap, she managed to prop open her eyes again. She decided to try different techniques to stay awake. The first method she tried was to survey her classmates. The girl in front of her was wearing a blue ribbon in her hair, and it looked good, despite her red hair. She seemed to be drawing bunnies in her notebook, and the only actual note she took so far was the date. Next, she stole a look at the guy beside her, hoping that he wasn't looking at the time and that if he was, he did not get the wrong idea. She just wanted to look at the man that smelled a bit like a dirty wet towel, and then never sit beside, or near, or in the same universe as him again.

The professor was a tall man and endearingly passionate about plants. Lily often pondered what his house is like – if it had vines snaking across all the walls and furniture, if it had every colour you could find in nature, and if it contained the plant from Little Shop of Horrors. He would probably feed it, Lily mused, but not for power or a girl, but because he couldn't let a plant die. She imagined him singing to it: “Please grow for meeeeee!”

There's a guy with indistinnct black...

When Lily regained her vision again, she was determined to keep it this time by singing songs in her head. The first one that came to mind was a slow ballad that she didn't know the name of, which was entirely her friend's fault for mislabelling the song when he gave it to her. Also, it was a very bad song to stay awake to. Blink.

Lily was startled to find herself as one of the only people in the classroom. It's like everyone had just vanished and were replaced with other students. I hate it when people are ridiculously early for their next class, she muttered, as she quickly packed up and gained a second wind going into her break.

---

This is my first attempt to get back into writing, so please forgive the poor quality. I wanted to do more with Lily's tendency to blame others for stuff.

Now I'm an amputee, goddamn you

If it cost you a quarter to say goodnight every time, who would you still say goodnight to?

I love a long goodbye

"The person who is savvy enough to want to have a good PC to upgrade their video card, is a person who is savvy enough to know [BitTorrent] to know all the elements so they can pirate software," says Bleszinski. "Therefore, high-end videogames are suffering very much on the PC."

Now, I'm as much of a Dude Huge fanboy as the next Gears of War fan, and I've been a fan of his work since the original Unreal Tournament, but this statement is pretty absurd. Let me begin by saying that I have no interest in a PC version of Gears of War 2. I already have it pre-ordered for the X360.

First of all, I'm not going to suggest that he be loyal to the platform that made Epic and him. Times have changed and the business model on the PC is tough, rough, and all kinds of bumpy. And let's also assume that his statement is true.

From Epic's standpoint, any venture that makes a net profit is probably worth getting into, right? So let's examine if Epic can in fact make a profit on porting Gears of War 2 for the PC. Since I don't have any real numbers, I'm only appealing to reasoning and what one might think to be the case.

The primary concern for Epic must be the opportunity cost involved with having their developers make the port. This is offset by the fact that ports are easy to make, so they could probably hire some small team (of possibly co-op students) or another small studio to do this for them.

The cost of developing a port is miniscule compared to developing the original game. Often it is "gravy" on an already baked cake (yay mixed metaphors). Now, I've explored the issue of DRM before (maybe I haven't here, I will later!), but companies are convinced of the faulty premise that people would be buying their game if it couldn't be pirated, which is false. But, suppose Epic puts in an online validation for whenever you wanted to play multiplayer online, which is a really unintrusive and sensible thing to do. They could even use a great platform like Steam to do it. So then people pirating the game would only be able to play the single player. Let's face it, if you're playing Gears for the single player, you're probably not buying the game anyway. It's not like the single player campaign or style is completely revolutionary.

So then, can Epic sell enough copies to make a profit on the port? Consider that Sins of a Solar Empire sold half a million copies without any DRM at all. I realize that the higher requirements puts Gears into a smaller market, but the X360 is 3 years old. I can't imagine many gamers out there don't have a PC more recent that 3 years old. Also, with graphic options that you can toggle, you can reach a wider audience. So, are you seriously telling me that you don't think Gears 2 is a more enticing (or better) game than Sins of a Solar Empire?

I understand the issue of piracy, especially for developers. I can understand that it might not be smart to make an entirely new game targetted for the PC. What I don't understand is this seeming crusade against profit just to spite pirates.

Sometimes that small difference can feel like an abyss

I have a bad feeling about this...

It's hard to believe that I'm all alone

PvP talents in a Raiding Environment (or, Suboptimal Raiding Efficiency)

I'm sure some people thought that I was being a big jerk just out to trample some feelings last night, but I assure you this is not the case. If I didn't care enough to point out a mistake in thinking, I would've just ignored the conversation and wrote it off as hopeless. Here I will attempt to put together a more neutral discussion on why one should not equip themselves with PvP talents, equipment, or anything else that is fairly suboptimal into endgame raiding. Let me point out that my opinion does not matter, and neither does my experience with endgame content, except that I have witnessed what works in TNR and what does not. I am trying to appeal to logic and principle, and hopefully you can see that I do not hold my views just because I take the game too seriously or that I'm a jerknose. I apologize for the long read and will try to make it concise and logical in flow.

Note: This post isn't entirely pointed at Nerse, even though she inspired it. There are points that I will mention that don't apply to her, and I will even take special note to mention where I think things apply to her. As little as I know about her, I have gathered some things about her in our brief interactions.

1. The Lost Ark - The Goals of Raiding

The priority of these goals vary from raid to raid, but as the priority of these goals of each individual raider will also vary, I tend to be fairly relaxed in the baseline minimum.

Progression and Loot

I think this is the primary goal of any raid, whether they admit to it or not. I have been in several guilds, and the lack of progression has been a sore spot in many of them. This is partly due to the fact that the lack of new experiences causes the game to stale, and then boredom sets in and weighs in against other factors of why we play the game (social, comfort, etc.) and that causes unrest. The other aspect is the satisfaction we all get from accomplishing something new. Even if it has been done by other guilds, it's nice to do it yourself and with your friends and fellow raiders. This goal is where the efficiency arguments detailed later comes into play, but this goal is interwined with:

Dependability and Loyalty

These are more requirements than an actual goal, but raids have good loot systems and raid leads are generous with their time at least partly because they expect raiders to be loyal to the people who gear them. When people join, get some loot, and then leave, this causes some ire because there is some loyalty expected. A raid needs to have people who are dependable for signing up and showing up to raids. On the other hand, we also expect class and raid leads to do their research and remain focused enough to do their jobs. There is a need for people to care about the raid as an entity of itself, or in other words a need for people to care. This social aspect of raiding is where people go from being bad players to bad people.

Note: I think Nerse cares and this isn't her problem.

Fun

This is a rather grey area and one where there is a lot of give. There is certainly a place for personal fun, but one needs to balance this against the wishes of the other 24 people in the raid. If the raid is 100% fun and cares nothing for progression, than this discussion is not for you. But I've seen even raids and guilds that “only” care about fun and let people spec and do whatever they want suffer lots of unhappiness and frustration because of the lack of progression. TNR is about as casual as a raiding PuG gets. We raid only 10 hours a week and we all manage to have fun despite some frustrations. If you do not have fun getting loot and progressing in content, then you must ask yourself why you are raiding. I will treat this subject more throughout this piece.

II. Mythbusters – Debunking Common Arguments Against Raiding Efficiency

Theorycrafting is a very... theoretical thing. It is very dangerous for everyone to think one way, and I always encourage discourse about what is the best spec, gear, rotation, and strategy. I think some things in this area are up for argument, but some are certainly not (such as PvP talents).

1. But I'm doing more damage/healing than the other guy!

This is one we heard from various people in the channel last night in defense of Nerse against Zalin. Though Zalin may not be able to execute his healing, but that doesn't mean his theory is unsound. The question isn't whether you outheal or outdamage the next person in your raid, the point is whether you are able to outheal or outdamage yourself in your current state. This is also an argument I heard from Sat (and possibly Mokaz) regarding Mokaz raiding as Marksmanship. Though Mokaz's other arguments and approach too the discussion was very acceptable and I respect him for that, this particular reason does not garner any validity. The fact that you can outdps the noobs in your raid means nothing. How do you compare against top guilds in WWS? That's the question that needs to be answered. The crux of what I'm getting at here is it is only fruitful to compare yourself against people who are doing better than you, not worse.

Note: For the record, Mokaz also pointed out that he didn't notice any increase when he switched to BM, although I am unsure of whether this is a gear issue or something? Either way, it's an example of how to argue raiding efficiency.

2. But it keeps me alive!

This is one that we heard from Nerse last night. And in order to debunk this, I only ask this one question: How do the other healers in your raid stay alive without those same PvP talents? You should ask them and learn from them. Anecdotes about how those talents “saved” you are not enough. I view these anecdotes in the same light as I view insurance and the lottery. The occasional and rare circumstance where they come in handy are not worth the overall efficiency. If you are dying a lot, then you're likely doing something wrong (not moving out of aoe, not being aware of your own health, not gearing quite enough stamina) or your raid is (tanks are not picking up all the adds). Find out from your fellow raiders what the reasons may be. Again, to tie it back into progression, you are slowing down the progression of all your fellow raiders because you can't be bothered to pay attention so that you won't be caught in a stun and have a need for those three points spent in a bad talent for PvE. On the other hand, in a really hard progression fight where you will need to max every ounce of healing/dps effiency and mana efficiency you can get (such as blood rage on Gurtogg for you guys, maybe), you can't get the output you need because you have points tied up elsewhere. Also, on a more personal level and as a note of irony, Nerse then complained about repeatedly dying in the raid last night. Also consider what happens when everyone is spec'cing into PvP talents. How far would you progress then when everyone is doing less dps and less healing than they should? What you are doing, at best, is being unfair, and at worst being completely uncaring to the goals of your raid.

People sighed at me when I made my “but it doesn't have resilience” comment, but I was making fun of this same argument. Resilience keeps you alive against crits.

Note: I will discuss the Blessed Recovery talent specifically later on.

3. But the game is about having fun!

This is rather a narrow and selfish view when considered seriously. Sure, the game itself is about having fun and ultimately you should have fun. But fun doesn't trump a basic set of principles and decency that people tend to forget in a virtual social environment (especially in a large group like raiding). If you are not having fun raiding with a spec that will help your raid progress, the respectable alternative isn't to do whatever the hell you want at the expense of the others in your raid, the alternative is to not raid. You personally need to balance your desire for loot against your need for fun and find that happy ground for yourself, but not at the expense of others. This principle applies even regular 5 mans. For example, it's not any fun and quite the hassle to run back to your corpse, but it's still decent of you to do it. In the end it doesn't even affect the bottom line. But you've wasted everyone's time.

By declaring this argument, you've basically stated that your fun is more important than other people's, and that their goals don't really matter in the light of you having fun. Way to go.

Note: I don't think this is Nerse's issue, I think she cares enough, just has some misguided logic behind her decisions.

4. It doesn't make a difference.

This is something I heard from Sat last night. Specifically, she said she could do ZA in a PvP spec, to which I countered with “do you have four chests on farm?” (TNR does, and they still won't let anyone go with PvP specs) Situations will crop up where your PvE spec could help, such as if you accidentally pull an extra group. TNR has BT on farm, and we are still disappointed when a night meets with rather minor setbacks (a good example is our really messy win versus the Council last night), because time lost is still a cost in progression (and like I said, we only have 10 hours a week). And also because we know we can do better.

And again, could you do ZA if everyone in your raid was PvP spec'ced? Why should they have to spec PvE and you be exempt?

Note: I know that Sat would never actually do ZA with her PvP spec. She pretends not to care too much about raiding efficiency, but I know she cares =]

III. Making an example out of Blessed Recovery

For those of you who don't know what Blessed Recovery does:

Rank 3: After being struck by a melee or ranged critical hit, heal 25% of the damage taken over 6 sec.

I should be able to rest my case after mentioning that mobs cannot crit with spells. This means that you in order for this to proc, you are being physically hit. There are two ways this is likely to happen, and both of them can either be fixed by the raid or the priest herself (yes, I'm talking to you Nerse). The most likely, from your anecdote last night about being stunned, is that you're making a mistake positionally. Offhand I can only think of the charging mobs (in which case you're standing too far away) and the stomping mobs (in which case you are standing too close) that stun with physical hits. The second reason you may be physically hit is that you're pulling aggro, and that usually indicates a big heal at the wrong time rather than a necessity for this talent, or that your tanks are failing.

The same argument goes for Blessed Resilience. On top of that, if you're crit by a mob, and then hit again, you are most likely already dead, regardless of this talent.

IV. Expectations

With all this said, there are some things I want to clarify about my expectations from my fellow raiders, and also, what they should expect from me. What you should expect from your fellow raiders and from yourself.

I expect them to care and respect other people's time. Even in TNR we have people who don't show up on time, who don't bring consumables, who don't have their gear enchanted or socketed properly, and this shows callousness.

I don't expect that you will know everything about your class and theorycrafting. I do expect that you will ask for advice and accept suggestions from those of your raid that do their research, however. Or ask an adult you trust.

I don't expect that people take their raids so seriously that it affects their real life. However, people should be communicative about why they're not participating (with the raid leads). Raiding is a commitment much like making a commitment to a recreational yet somewhat competitive sports team. It takes effort and stress to organize 25 people. Show that you're putting in effort too.

5. Conclusions

You are not being a jerk for holding people accountable to their raiding efficiency. I don't think you should be rude about it, but if people are pointing out that spec'cing Blessed Recovery is dumb, that doesn't mean they are a jerk. It means they care enough about the raid and that they think highly enough of you to think that you care about the raid too. It also means that they are (perhaps mistakenly) confident enough to give you that advice, and maybe you can convince them that they are wrong.

However, they can still do it in unacceptably jerky ways. Being outwardly a jerk isn't the only way you can be a jerk, though. You can still be as much a jerk by being an irresponsible raider.

What if I say I'm not just another

Most days, you wake up okay. But what if one day, you don't wake up okay? Who can you turn to? Who can you tell? Would they understand that, you just woke up, and you're not okay, all right, or fine?

One thing about married life and having a kid: You are not allowed such indulgences. I imagine people would get annoyed and tell me that I have responsibilities to my family and my job, that it's adolescent and I need to just keep marching on, that it will pass.

What if we need to feel fundamentally wrong, sometimes? Like nothing is all right? And maybe sometimes we just need to lie in bed and feel it, get to know the darkness right when you wake, the time when things are new but they're not, when you have the whole day ahead of you but you know it won't be any better than the last.

And none of it may be true, but just sensing it and getting intimate with it may be necessary.

Colour me your colour, baby

There's this dear body thing going around on Youtube, where people talk to their body. Well, I've decided to do this:


Dear Body,

I hate you. Go away.

find nothing but faith in nothing

What does it mean to be understanding? What does anything mean... I don't know anymore.

I've given you sunshine, I've given you rain

This is the second night in a row that I've woken up at around 04:30 and have been unable to go back to sleep. How do people function with so little sleep? I don't know how mothers do it. I pump myself full of tea in the daytime so that I can barely carry out the basic functions of a person.

I signed up for raiding Monday and Tuesday, knowing that I'll probably only be slotted one of these two days. This whole raiding business worries me a little... what if I let everyone down? But that's not why I'm up...

I sometimes wonder if the great historical figures ever felt the way I do about things. Did Abe Lincoln ever have an emo trip over one of his friendships? One of the strangest moments in my life happened the other week, when the entire pod was out having lunch (Irene may have been on vacation), and Richard divulged these facts about him and experiences he had that I had never heard before. I felt uncomfortable and false, sitting there, supposedly his closest friend, and yet not knowing any of the stories coming out of him. Revealing and somewhat shocking things I never knew. And here he was sharing it with three other podmates, and me. I felt like someone was going to find out that I didn't know these things and tell me that I'm not really his close friend, that I didn't even know these things about him. Right there, in the restaurant. While I was sitting beside him. I think I managed to contain my shame. That's not why I'm up, either...

It's funny, it also feels shameful to be sitting here, awake at 04:54, knowing you should be in bed. I know Nads would shoo me off to bed, and she is always worried about my sleep. And I fear that she will wake up and catch me like this... so pathetic and out of control.

I can't write, she's got all my inspiration

The daily writing exercise, from C.M. Mayo. Does anyone know of any writing exercise of the day type deals?

I am reproducing some of this one cause it's obscure, please don't sue me Ms. Mayo, I'm just trying to write! The full exercise and more can be found here: http://www.cmmayo.com/d5mwearchives.june.html

In two sentences or less describe Fran. In two sentences or less describe her living room. In two sentences or less, very specifically put Fran in the livingroom. Then, Tina comes in and tries to help. In what way? What exactly does Tina do? And/ or say? How does Fran react?

Fran is a delicate woman living in a post-apocalyptic world. Her living room brings new meaning to the term "open concept". She is looking for her baby underneath the debris, where she had hidden him from the infanticidal sun earlier in the day. Tina, noticing her frantic searching, gets to searching as well, pushing away garbage and boxes. Wordlessly, she searches as if it were her own child. Fran takes cautious comfort in Tina's help, as babies are now the most precious resource in the world. She would do it for any other child.

you're nothing special until you turn out the lights

A writing exercise not from jPod.

---

Despite the strange metallic shard of a meteor that seemed to still faintly glow, the clock that made a ghostly creak every time the minute hand budged, and shrunken head sitting on the glass cabinet, the suitcase in the middle of the room had John's attention.

It had been retrieved from the attic this morning. Papa Joe had sworn he had never seen the suitcase before, but John did not exactly trust his memory. What seemed really odd to John was that the suitcase had no dust on it. If this was a forensics show he'd refer to the entire suitcase as a big void in dust splatter. The possibilities raced in his mind.

Behind him, Meredith cautiously looked on. John studied her intently for a moment and knew she was thinking about the bloodied dreamcatcher of an Aztec god, or the coral gathered from around the Bermuda Triangle, and how none of them were as strange this suitcase. John could feel her trepidation. He could see her slightly damp hands holding each other, waiting for his instructions.

The suitcase itself wasn't the most unique case in the world, sitting in its ubiquitous black leathery skin and silver frame. But the way it was simply dumped into the attic...

John couldn't decide if he should open it. The unfamiliarity of the case scared him. He knew one thing though, he could not, under any circumstances, allow it to be opened in the house. He told Meredith to grab the keys and he picked up the rather light suitcase - alien technology? - and transported it to their minivan. They drove out to a canyon about sixty miles from their home, where once there was an archaeological dig site set up because some professor thought there would be fossils from the Missing Link buried in the area. The area had been empty for years after, as if the disappointment was too much for anyone to handle. Here, no one but John or Meredith could be harmed.

John dragged the suitcase to the edge of the canyon, in case he had to push it over. The dry heat was already making him sweat. He bent down and examined the lock carefully, trying to determine the best way to open it. He turned to Meredith to ask for the crowbar, but before he got a word out, she slammed into his chest. John reached out desperately but the momentum carried both him and the suitcase over the edge. The suitcase popped open and several sheets of paper flew out, and John couldn't make out the contents of any of them. He was also trying to remember if he had seen the red glow in Meredith's eyes at the moment of impact, if maybe it was the Aztec god he had brought so thoughtlessly into their home. And then, he could think no more.

You're born of a jackal! You're beautiful!

It's funny how I perceive things so differently from other people. For example, my friends often think I'm at my meanest when I'm making fun of them or aspects of them that they find to be negative (in front of their face).

I will sometimes mock Chris' weight or about him ever having had one girlfriend or whatever. I agree that the jokes are quite brutal and they cut deep, but really, they are quite a compliment from me. By laughing about these things, what I'm really saying is "haha, let's laugh at these things that don't really matter, I like you how you are".

And that's really true of all my friends. I accept them exactly as they are. If they want to improve and change, that's great too and I support them, but I know all kinds of things about them and it doesn't matter to me. I like them anyway.

If I'm going to be someone else, I'd rather be someone else with you

!! Collectible Developer G/C, out of box!!

Starting bid US $0.01
(approximately C $0.01)
End time: All too soon
Shipping Costs: See details
Ships to: Anywhere with a fast internet connection
Item location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
History: 0 bids
Payment methods: None of that hippie paper shit

Meet the Seller
Seller: Emo_Idealist (27)
Feedback: 20% Positive
Member: since 4-Oct-80 in Canada

Description
You are bidding AS IS on ONE used software developer in Good Condition. Original Packaging and manual is not included, but I'll throw in his crappy creative writing so that you know how to work him. No picture available as this developer refuses to take any because of his insecurity, and when he looks into the lens of the camera, he sees a distorted view of what he thinks the picture will look like and is overcome with unease. Packaged in business casual wear (short sleeve unironed shirt and khakis).

The only damage besides his eczema and a small faint scar on his chin is not visible and wholly emotional. Sure you could buy a cheaper developer from EBay India, and they will work harder, but all they would do is do whatever you tell them to do. This developer adapts to any environment and has become very Canadian after I found him at bargain prices in Hong Kong.

Remember, each developer is numbered 1 to 50,000,000 and after that, we’ll churn out more, so you best hurry if you don’t really understand technology but you expect computers to fix all the shitty little problems in your life. Thanks and good luck!

BID WITH CONFIDENCE. NO REFUNDS OR EXCHANGES.

Gears of War

Gears of War
X360 - Epic - November 12, 2006
Microsoft Game Studios
Third Person, Shooter, Chainsaw
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Graphics 97 Sound 90 Gameplay 95 Encounter/Level Design 92 Dollar Value CDN$60

95

At the time of writing, 28 hours have been put into the game, and probably will be spending many more until Gears 2.

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There are a couple words that can sum up the Gears of War experience, and those are Guns and Chainsaws. I'm not talking about separately, either. Guns. Chainsaws. Together. Read that again. It's as awesome as it sounds.

Since my Tyrannical Overlords won't let me get away with using just a few words though, here is some extra analysis about the game, even though you should have stopped reading by now and have gone out and bought the game for the two reasons listed above.

For one, Gears of War has some of the best graphics of any console game still. I'm not saying that they were good for back then – they are actually quite good compared to games now. In some scenes you can see the pixels, and the view is annoyingly obstructed by your character sometimes, but in the end you appreciate the chunks of body parts splattering chaotically on the ground. Even little things are done right, so that it's worth it for you to put a chainsaw to an opponent even though it means imminent death after the lengthy animation. One element that might annoy gamers is that the camera jolts and shifts weirdly as you run. Though it is annoyingly ineffective at times, running hard while trying to do things like aiming and shooting big guns should probably be that difficult.

The sound bytes are both enjoyable and purposeful. In multiplayer, which is the majority of my experience, there are sound bytes to let you know when your teammate has been downed, when you or your teammate has hit the perfect reload, or when an enemy nearby is running or diving around. Getting a headshot in the story mode will reward you with sound bytes like “Sup, bitches!” The voice acting is fairly good and the banter that goes on amoung the members of your squad is quite superb, even though there is not enough of it. Other than that, the bad guys make scary noises, the guns make gun noises, and the random people on the internet make inane noises, so everything is as it should be.

The gameplay is where Gears really shines. I don't think I can play a shooter that doesn't have a decent cover system anymore. It just makes sense. Your options while in cover is like playing a strategic mini-game, and there are many skills you can master to help you become successful at the game. Though the story mode does get pretty hard on the harder difficulties, nothing compares to the strategic squad based multiplayer that also manages to get its fair share of action in. It is the perfect mix of action for the head shot junkies and the squad based strategy as found in the Rainbow Six games. I have been on teams with fairly skilled players and gotten crushed because of the lack of communication and strategy. On the other hand, I have downed the entire opposing team singlehandedly (I'd like to think this was because of some skill on my part). You really value your life, unlike most of the respawning shooters, and survival means you stick with your teammates. Combine these elements with the adrenaline pumping guns and chainsaws, and you have a fairly addictive multiplayer experience. Not since the original Unreal Tournament have I played such a compelling shooter.

The co-op mode is awesome as well. One thing you will learn about me is that I love co-op. I want to marry co-op and have its babies. Co-op is probably the best feature anyone can put in a game. Even in the other multiplayer modes, I like teamming up with my friends rather than competing against them. Co-op can make even mediocre games fun (hello, Marvel Ultimate Alliance!). There are some brilliant moments in the co-op story mode, such as trying to keep your partner in a spotlight as they run along a dark street.

The story is somewhat interesting if a bit cliche, and the characters are done well enough to keep interest in between killing aliens. The setting also does just enough to not seem like it was hacked together at the last minute. I carry some interest in the pasts of the main characters, but honestly, the story does not live up to the levels of awesome that make up the rest of the game.

Epic also has a history of supporting their games for a long while, and I can't exactly say I'm disappointed so far with the two map packs they've released and the patch that makes the Lancer (the standard machine gun that has the chainsaw attached) viable in multiplayer. I wish they would fix the grenade melee attack as a point of game balance, but that's about the only complaint I have in terms of gameplay.

Gears of War does almost everything just right, and I fully recommend that you try out the new release of the game that's coming out. Then join me as we salivate over the Gears of War 2 footage that has been released.

Don “I can't quit you Dom” Tam

If I had a funeral, would you even care?

I don't know why I can't go back to sleep, but it sucks. It is now 04:54, and I have been awake for about half an hour. No, I've been awake longer than that, I just decided that it was pointless to try to get back to sleep half an hour ago.

A few things led to this. One, I'm crazy and obsessive and I am agonizing over either working on a crappy crappy laptop with XP on it or turning on UAC and jumping through various hoops on my regular laptop in order to do the current project for work (thanks Quickbooks, I hate you). Second, the temperature is just cold enough that I can't not have a cover (fun fact: I always need a cover to sleep, even if it's just a thin bed sheet) but using my regular cover means I overheat just very slightly after a while. Then, to really seal the deal when I was sleeping after making a decision about problem One, my dreams decided to take me to unhappy land.

I dreamed that Nads was dead. The details were hidden from me, and I could only feel sadness and pain. I imagined myself crumpled in the shower, convincing myself to survive for Jasmine's sake. I thought about how I was going to feed Jasmine, how I would get her to sleep without Nads around. Pictures jumped around in my mind and they painted a picture an artistic and tortured undead may paint, but thankfully I woke up before I started to actually cry. But at this point, I was wide awake and didn't want to go back to those dreams again, and kept my eyes open. And here I am.

Ya know, I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today

Test your reaction time

Two interesting things I've discovered about myself through this game:

I seem to process and react to things in increments of .06. I'm not sure if this is normal, but my times for each shot were almost always .120, .180, or .240

I can get the sheep running along the top faster than I can along the bottom.

My high score is .18... I can't understand how people can get < .1 for the Turbo Charged Cheetah level.

I will be the one to make you crawl

I'm so incredibly damaged. And as a result, paranoid. Whether those two facts have a relationship like cause and effect, I'm not sure. That's just who I am most of the time. Here is a process that I go through with people that I really like:

I will constantly be looking for signs or signals of how important I am in their life. Comparing things they do with me to other things they do, comparing myself to other people they know, comparing myself to other things, forever trying to place myself in some kind of ranking. And often, this paints a depressing picture for me. I often want to be more important to this person than I am. And every little thing that I observe hurts. But by this time I've already grown all attached, and now am in desperate need to adapt and scale down how I feel about this person (which is hard for me to do). And it's sad and depressing, because most likely I will have thought that I meant something. It's complicated.

Anyway, trying to scale back and trying to be less attached is hard to do without coming off as an asshole, and is made all the harder because I'm just in the emotional equivalent of a sewer. What makes it really tough too is that I can in no way discuss me with these people, because I don't feel I'm really worth discussing, and in addition, how embarassing is it to say “hey, I really like you, I wish to be really important to you, or maybe that's just the way you act even towards important people, or maybe now you just think I'm totally insane cause our relationship is not that deep.” Especially when it is already clear (see above) that I am not as significant as all that. Also, people really do have their own problems, and the last thing I want is for people to have to worry about how they're dealing with me.

So that step usually goes rather unsmoothly, and while I try really hard to restrain myself from running back like a puppy every time I see them, I choose complete silence, all the while hoping that they would notice, but even if they do, it just prolongs this process as I'm inserted back into the first step. And in the end, the net effect for me is this: I question why I should be important to this person at all, and the answer that always comes back is: You shouldn't, you dumb fuck. You're barely interesting enough to talk to. And the net effect for the other person? Probably nothing. And that's what saddens me the most, I guess. But still, I want them to be as happy as possible, so if I'm not really doing much in their life, what's the point of me sitting around being all emo about it and having them worry about me? It wouldn't make them happiest to have an extraneous person to worry about, it what I mean.

On another damaged point, I think maybe why I like finding out about the darkness and everything about other people, is that I feel such a disconnection with people due to my own psychosis.

Moral of the story: How fucked up am I? How far does my psychotic pit go? Discuss amoungst yourselves.

I like when you sleep, when you sleep next to me

I had a weird nightmare last night... it was strangely continuous and fairly long. It had me in its grasp such that after I woke up to turn off my alarm, it dragged me back into its eerie embrace. It was one of those nightmares that affected you even after you're awake – even though I was half an hour later than my usual routine, I could not muster myself to move very quickly. I was stunned, still enthralled and contemplative, and as a result I still spaced out in the shower despite every intention of speeding through that comforting time trap.

It started with work. Except we were now located in a mall. And on this particular day, Irene wanted me to pick up roses for her from this store in the mall, and she had handed me an invoice from the store. I remember telling her that $24 was a bit expensive for roses, and she looked a little ashamed and said she liked the proximity of the store. I didn't push it further but I was curious as to why she was buying roses. Similarly, Mark, who doesn't work anywhere near me, also had two receipts for me to pick up some things in the mall. The work day went by, and there was a club inside the mall that we were going to go to after work. So Richard, Irene and I headed down there, and there was this other crowd of indeterminate extras that I was talking to as Richard was laying on the charm at the bar, and I was explaining to them how he's always charming like that and popular. Except currently he seemed a little drunk and no one was around him. He was working on some girl across the bar though. I was satisfied that he'd have a companion soon... and then I remembered about the errands I was supposed to run, and the mall was about to close. I ran across the mall (Irene told me to go in the wrong direction), and when I finally got to the flower shop, I realized I didn't have the receipt. So I ran back the short distance to the club to grab the receipts from the jacket, intending to grab Mark's stuff for him too.

And this is where it really began. I consider it some kind of miracle that I remember all the details before this, and they are all still very clear in my mind instead of the usual uncertainty that comes with remembering details of dreams.

I grabbed my jacket, and I noticed the various bouncers were ushering everyone out, except for a few people here and there. I overheard one of the bouncers tell Richard sarcastically “yeah, yeah, only the cool people get to stay”. I was one of the few that wasn't ushered out, and we were all directed to this theatre room. I remember being very shocked and confused as to why I was being chosen to stay, and I wanted to get out there and hang out with Richard but was too curious about what was about to happen here. On my way to the theatre room, I noticed that Snoop Dogg was one of the people heading there, and apparently I knew him in this dimension. He had a pocket on the arm of his jacket, and I unzipped it and searched in there for some clue of what's about to happen, since Snoop seemed to be the type of guy to be in the know. Nothing but some money and a bus token, and I handed him back all his materials and then I never saw him again for the rest of the dream.

In this theatre we sat for a short while and then we were herded onto a bus, and it started driving us into the countryside. The sides of the road looked golden, and I was suddenly reminded of jPod and (spoilers warning!) how Ethan got on this bus and he didn't know where it would take him and it could easily take him into a slavery at a sweat shop, and I started getting worried. Maybe this was where the nightmare seed was planted in my mind and the dream changed. I'm not too sure of how they work. Then Brad Pitt, who was the club proprietor, except he wasn't Brad Pitt, came on the bus P.A. System and announced that we were all going to die, and that we started thinking about our last wishes. As everyone around me were shocked and mildly freaking out, I began to seriously agonize over what my last wish would be. I thought about something that would maybe buy us some time, but I couldn't really get a hold of it. Then Pitt announced that first he was going to come around and break our knees with a baseball bat, and then he would come around to ask us the meaning of life, and if any of us answer 42 as some of us “must” do, we would be mutilated and tossed off the bus immediately. I was unfortunately sitting near the front of the bus, and I braced for the pain as he wound up his bat, but I knew I could not move or duck away or I would be killed. I imagined the pain I would be in moments from then, but instead, he turned around to harass a lady on the opposite side. A balding man in the first seat opposite me grabbed some rope and stealthily manuevered around Pitt. I thought to myself, maybe I should help him when he attacks (he forcefully put the rope around Pitt's neck like a garrotte at this point), and as I was getting up, Pitt twisted around quickly (I guess the balding man did not hold him tight enough) and stabbed him with a small corkscrew type thing. I sat down from shock and fear that he had seen me wanting to take action against him and would kill me next. Pitt stabbed the man a few more times in the neck for good measure and left him on the floor.

Pitt cleaned himself up at the front of the bus and as he walked past me to the back of the bus, he threw the corkscrew weapon into my lap. It was the size of my pinky, and I was curious as to why he handed me a weapon. He probably did see me half standing and was daring me to make a move. I gripped the weapon in a fist and remained calm and seated, wondering if I had failed the balding man and questioning whether I should have moved sooner.

There were ocassional scenes throughout this part that focused on these two eighteen year-olds who were somehow left behind in the club. They couldn't find a way out because the door was locked. They did not know each other before this crisis. Somehow I ended up back at the club. There was a clear slip in time and space that I'm not sure can really be explained. I checked the front door and found that it was a thin wooden door. I found the teens and scolded the male teen: “Surely you can break through a wood.” When the female pushed on the door it opened. It wasn't locked at all. At this point I was incensed but managed to keep my cool, knowing that I needed these teens to get help. So I showed them on an interactive map like you would find in WoW using Cartographer that happened to be on the wall by the door. According to the moving dots, the bus group seemed to be somewhere in Africa and moving rapidly east through Asia. I asked them to hurry and get help for the people there. At this point my mind asked why I couldn't leave, and it reasoned that Pitt must've threatened my family if I had left when I returned to the club.

The bus crew returned, with a few people missing, and there was entertainment. It was a sinister sort of entertainment, like a siren's song. One of Pitt's cronies was singing karaoke, and all his ladies were entertaining guests in the pool, which I stayed out of. No one bothered me, surprisingly, and I walked around the pool. The girls were drowning various people and I felt sorry for them. I thought of all the dead bodies in the pool. There was a girl who managed to surface, and the Pitt girl pretended nothing was going on and continued to be sweet and soothing, but the girl was irate and could not be soothed. When the song was done, a girl I used to know, Vivian, asked me to sing a song, but I told her to go ahead, that she had a better voice anyway, and she went into the booth. I felt some despair as to the helplessness of my situation and how sinister it was that there were all these dead bodies everywhere in broad daylight that was pouring in now from the newly revealed skylight. Yet I felt some relief that nothing has happened to me yet and that I still had hope that help would find us here instead of searching in Africa and through Asia as I had directed the teens. I wondered how Pitt got back from Africa so fast, and of course, the answer was that it was the same way I got back here so fast.

That's when I realized that my alarm had already alerted my it was time to wake up a while ago. Uh oh.

When it's cold outside, I've got the month of May

Dear Ronald McDonald,


I heard that they made you take the beef juice out of your fries. I will be the first to say that that is a terrible shame for all of humanity. Even though your fries are still king in a saturated market, I for one will not sleep well knowing that there are some random and inedible cow parts we are not milking for their sweet juices to flavour your delicious potato product.

And you know what I like about you? Even though the Man stuck it to you, you’re still at the top. Sure, some people can provide “sales data” that may prove contrary to my claim, but as Homer Simpson once said: “facts, schmacts, you can use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true.”

I suppose I should tell you a bit about me, your perfect mate. I don’t enjoy long walks on the beach, as I imagine you don’t or your makeup would melt or make you uncomfortable in that hulking costume. Which brings me to a question: Do you have multiples of that same outfit or do you just wear that one all the time? Is that clown showerhead that’s much too low to wash your upper body able to cleanse out the lower parts? I suppose that’s two questions but... too bad!

Also as your perfect mate, you will have limited access to my various areas of expertise, none of which are useful in a survival-pragmatism sense. If they shut off all the computers in the world, I would die. Zombies would find me quivering in a corner, unable to comprehend an insensible world. My brain would not be all that tasty, I imagine, because I exercise it all the time as the scientists like to encourage you to do (maybe they’re onto something?). In another survival scenario, if they shut off all the computers, I would be completely extraneous and after the other survivors were done toying with enslaving me, they would dispose of me by churning me into a delectable smoothie (blenders don’t need software).

If any of what I just said sounds appealing to you, call me anytime. Just remember: I’ll put my beef juice on your fries anytime.


Bovinely yours,


Don.