I will be the one to make you crawl

I'm so incredibly damaged. And as a result, paranoid. Whether those two facts have a relationship like cause and effect, I'm not sure. That's just who I am most of the time. Here is a process that I go through with people that I really like:

I will constantly be looking for signs or signals of how important I am in their life. Comparing things they do with me to other things they do, comparing myself to other people they know, comparing myself to other things, forever trying to place myself in some kind of ranking. And often, this paints a depressing picture for me. I often want to be more important to this person than I am. And every little thing that I observe hurts. But by this time I've already grown all attached, and now am in desperate need to adapt and scale down how I feel about this person (which is hard for me to do). And it's sad and depressing, because most likely I will have thought that I meant something. It's complicated.

Anyway, trying to scale back and trying to be less attached is hard to do without coming off as an asshole, and is made all the harder because I'm just in the emotional equivalent of a sewer. What makes it really tough too is that I can in no way discuss me with these people, because I don't feel I'm really worth discussing, and in addition, how embarassing is it to say “hey, I really like you, I wish to be really important to you, or maybe that's just the way you act even towards important people, or maybe now you just think I'm totally insane cause our relationship is not that deep.” Especially when it is already clear (see above) that I am not as significant as all that. Also, people really do have their own problems, and the last thing I want is for people to have to worry about how they're dealing with me.

So that step usually goes rather unsmoothly, and while I try really hard to restrain myself from running back like a puppy every time I see them, I choose complete silence, all the while hoping that they would notice, but even if they do, it just prolongs this process as I'm inserted back into the first step. And in the end, the net effect for me is this: I question why I should be important to this person at all, and the answer that always comes back is: You shouldn't, you dumb fuck. You're barely interesting enough to talk to. And the net effect for the other person? Probably nothing. And that's what saddens me the most, I guess. But still, I want them to be as happy as possible, so if I'm not really doing much in their life, what's the point of me sitting around being all emo about it and having them worry about me? It wouldn't make them happiest to have an extraneous person to worry about, it what I mean.

On another damaged point, I think maybe why I like finding out about the darkness and everything about other people, is that I feel such a disconnection with people due to my own psychosis.

Moral of the story: How fucked up am I? How far does my psychotic pit go? Discuss amoungst yourselves.

Too long overdue, it's true, i'm out of control

I've started reading JPod today. Microserfs is a great book and I loved it. It's hard not to like it as a Software Developer and a nerd at heart. It's like someone took the time to write about you, and about your quirks and about the way you think. So I'm really looking forward to this one, even though I don't work for a game company.

I will discuss the book in various posts, but I will always warn about spoilers. So here we go: SPOILERS BELOW.

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Engineers aren't funny or cute or nerdy. They're damaged.

The older the culture is, the less cutesy it is about saying, "Well, you're a winner because you tried your best." Can you imagine a Chinese person saying that?

It's so easy to locate myself in this book that it feels a bit like cheating. The opening stream of consciousness section is entertaining, and gives that quality of intimacy. I was just discussing with Arwen yesterday how it's those little thoughts that create intimacy. Anyone can share general thoughts and big moments together, but it's the little thoughts and little moments, from being together all the time or sharing thoughts all the time that really... bond. Then, I guess I encourage certain people to tell me everything they're thinking, even the little thoughts, because I crave intimacy with them. I'm damaged.

This leads me to another musing I've had on and off for a while: the internet and connectivity of the world in general is trending society towards more diluted and shallow relationships. It has become a quantitative goal rather than qualitative. In the world of Facebook, it's no longer necessary to cultivate specific relationships. There is no need to be intimate with people. For example, it used to be that kids would hang out. They would hang out for the sake of hanging out, even if they had nothing to do and they were bored, they would be together and learn how to coexist in boring times. They'd try to entertain themselves with each other. Over the internet this will not happen. If I am "hanging out" or talking to someone online, you can guarantee that they are probably doing or thinking about something else. If things get boring they can just go play another game or talk to someone else. The lack of dependency causes a gap in the bonding process. I think this is why the gang is so strong. We were dependent on each other every weekend, and we got together for good or ill. And for my part, I try to recreate this over all my new friendships, and it's not working. No one needs or wants to be intimate with me. I have always preferred to be intimate and share my resources with a select few rather than get into the whole social acquaintances mess. What do I have now?

Now that I'm started, I guess I might as well express my increasing loneliness from not being able to hang out with my friends. Jas is terrific and great and really fantastically adorable, but going from hanging out with my friends every weekend to nothing is... impactful. They do not come to visit, some have not even asked to visit. Not that I have much to entertain them with my 20" CRT, but... I guess this goes back to my feelings above.

I feel like I've run out of gas and probably won't be doing the second quote justice. The statement infers that practicality wins out in the end. It's true that Chinese people would only laugh at you for failing, because success is everything in that culture (practical for a nation of over a billion people). And yet, they hold on to such crazy and impractical traditions and superstitions. It's one giant paradox wrapped in a mystery wrapped in an enigma.