It's all in my head but she's touching his chest

Nads read me a couple of chapters of some book that deals with past life regression. I think this may be something I'd like to do... someday. Go under hypnosis, that is. It's got me thinking a lot. For example, of all the people that we know, what ratio are simply people we knew in a past life and our souls searched each other out?

And what about my immigration to Canada? What if that was just my poor lost soul reincarnated in the wrong place, and searched out my past life-mates over in Canada? I wonder if I knew the gang in a past life, and if something can explain my constant sense of rejection from them.

I mean, there are not very many people I can talk to. I listen to them attentively, but I usually can't remember a thing they've said afterwards. I'm very interested as they speak, too, but I guess it's all discarded away as inconsequential. But the gang... I could listen to them talk all day. About nothing, about Tekken, Magic, Linda's job... it doesn't matter. Maybe we died together, some place, some time.

You are my candy girl, and you got me wanting you

The weather is finally turning out nicely. I hate everyone.

We are fighting dreamers

I've taken my first steps to learn Hiragana, finally. Hurrah!

Workouts... I've done pretty much nothing. Sigh. I'm not keeping up with Spiritual Hero either... must rebound!

Summer is slowly approaching. Although this season is usually a godsend for guys because of the skimpy wear sported by our opposite sex, I find that it's actually worse for eye candy (literally). The problem is that people often wear sunglasses at this time of year, and thus I can't see their eyes, which is what I usually like to inspect. On the other hand, I do like to wear sunglasses so that people can't see that I'm staring into their eyes like a freak.

How does it feel to feel?

Tony Moseley, the artist of Zogonia (www.zogonia.com) posed an interesting question today: At what point does an adventuring party bring more loot into the dungeon than bring out of? He thinks level 11. If Richard was DMing it'd be level 20 (maybe), but I think for regular campaigns you should hit that threshold at about level 9, presuming you kept all the stuff you were given.

Jump up jump up and get down!

I'm addicted to tests.

Well Ballanced You scored 71 %Lefty and 75 %Righty!

Congratulations, you have well developed skills in both hemispheres. You see an abundance of ideas and you can easily make plans without getting lost in possibilities. Both the details and the bigger picture are obvious to you. You can relate to almost anyone, and understand their perspective. Undoubtedly you are good at anything you set your mind to. It may also be possible to hypnotise you.

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 69% on Lefty You scored higher than 66% on Righty You scored higher than 48% on Divergence

Link: The Left or Right Brain Test written by vincex on Ok Cupid

How stupid is it? I can't talk about it, I've got to sing about it, and make a record oh!

How stupid is it, won't you give me a minute, just come up to me and say hello?

I watched a Korean horror film entitled "The Wishing Stairs". It's about this mysterious 29th step that appears occassionally (well, all the fucking time, really), and grants a wish to the person that finds the 29th step. It's an interesting concept, and pretty much classic Asian horror, with more suspense and storytelling than actual in-your-face horror. I enjoyed watching it once, but the first half of the movie was entirely about the friendship of the two main girls - that was truely horrifying to watch.

I have an unhealthy obsession with Tekken.

English Genius You scored 100% Beginner, 100% Intermediate, 93% Advanced, and 93% Expert!

You did so extremely well, even I can't find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don't. You have an extensive vocabulary, and you're not afraid to use it properly! Way to go! Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it! For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 73% on Beginner You scored higher than 72% on Intermediate You scored higher than 54% on Advanced You scored higher than 98% on Expert

Link: The Commonly Confused Words Test written by shortredhead78 on Ok Cupid

But we only have 24 hours to save the Earth!

Two occurences of note this week:

On Wednesday night I had the worst nightmare I ever remembered having. I apparently screamed "HELP!" clearly in my sleep. Usually when people sleep they mumble and are not clear in their speech... the dream was very real.

I came home from a roleplaying session early on a Monday night, and instead of going up to Nads I decided to play around in the mud outside the building. I slid around, and it was fun, as the mud was so slippery that I managed to glide around on my behind with very little effort. The darkness was a little worrisome but the ease of motion kept my mind on more sapid things. A woman came from somewhere, with stockings, and she was a bit muddy too and walked into the building and I thought it was time to finally go up, and that Nads would be a bit upset at me for getting mud all over my socks. The front doors of the building matched those of my own building, but the hallway layout and stuff was my mom's building.
I entered the elevator with this other woman, and she was averting my gaze, hiding behind her long blonde hair. Our eyes met once during the short ride. There was also a young girl and her mother in the elevator. The elevator stopped on the first floor - I am unsure of whether I knew that - but I got out of the elevator in a hurry as I often do. At that point the little girl started burning this incense and her mother warned her against bothering people. The blonde woman held the door open and started to mutter and chant. I hurried around the corner, out of sight, and walked faster.
Out of the stairs came this brown haired woman with a long nose. She hurried towards me and I tried to run away. I couldn't identify her, and I desperately searched her face for a match with someone I am familiar with. But my vision was blurry and I desperately clung on to the fact that I didn't know if she was a friend or foe. She said "Wait" and I replied "Do I know you?" all the while walking. I almost reached my door. Except as I approached it I realized that I was on the first floor and not the eigth! I fell, weak and she reached me, and started rubbing a rib underneath my arm - closest to my heart. I was paralyzed instantly as she started chanting, and that's when I cried for help hoping one of the tenants of the two apartments near me would help me.

Thank goodness Nads was there to save me.

The other weird occurence is this intense headache that I have. It started yesterday and has persisted through until today. I have never had a headache this bad.... it usually disappears after I sleep. It could be a tumour.

this could be heaven, this could be hell

Well, I can't really count my resolutions broken, because I've been dying for the last couple of days. As it is, I still have much of the will to continue... I have the japanese learning CD ready to go.

I hate being away from work for more than a day... I feel like I have so much catching up to do.. oy.

Mediator You scored 27% physical, 50% magic, 38% versatile, and 61% good!

Your talents lie not in strength or magic, but your ability to get your way through talking to people (and sometimes other things.) You prefer to avoid fights and can often work your way out of them. As the name implies, you are also good at regulating disputes between other people, preferring peaceful resolutions to combat. But in a tight spot, you can also destroy enemy morale. You're handy to have around, but unfortunately there are times when talk will simply fail.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 14% on physical You scored higher than 61% on mystical You scored higher than 34% on versatile You scored higher than 53% on good

Link: The Final Fantasy Job Class Test written by Artscrafter on Ok Cupid

T.S. Eliot! You scored 16 Demeanour, 0 Debauchery, 0 Traditionalism, and 25 Expression!

You're a perfectionist. You believe that perfection is possible. You even demand it from yourself. There are many ways of doing things, it's just that your ways are better. You're usually a little pissed off that the rest of the world isn't as perfect as you are, so you alternate between citicizing it and mocking it. Occasionally, you let your softer side show, but not very often. You're probably a cat person. Your masterpiece is "The Waste Land".

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 6% on Demeanour You scored higher than 1% on Debauchery You scored higher than 1% on Traditionalism You scored higher than 8% on Expression

Link: The Which Famous Poet Are You Test written by Torontop on Ok Cupid

my favourite poet! What are the chances!

Wolverine You scored 80 Hero Points!

The badass from Xmen. You're real name is James Howlett , but you dont know that. You hang out with the Xmen but only really to bang Jean. You can heal and have claws that extend from your knuckles. They make a cool can opener

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 68% on Hero Points

Link: The Which Superhero/Savior Are You Test written by Etchelion on Ok Cupid

Maybe you're scared to say "I'm falling for you"

New resolutions:

• Go through a bit of the Japanese learning CD everyday
• 20+ push-ups/day
• Write a bit into http://spiritualhero.blogspot.com/ everyday
  

I know you know, I see you smiling at me

Don't go dead on me
I need you here to breathe
to hold me when I cry
to ease me when I bleed

Giving up Tekken was a hard thing to do, but I'm glad to see her so happy about her costumes and everything.

There's something about skating, and being on the ice, that threatens to isolate you, despite the number of people around you. I'm usually pretty spacey, but being on the ice just amplifies it. Maybe it's the repetitive motion, but I always want to reflect like the surface below me.

Get on your bikes and ride!

I will say, I can treat you to dinner, if that will make it worth your while.

And I will feel worse.

I need you here to breathe

How do you tell someone that doesn't care?

I am a bad person. I am a house full of condiments and no food. I moon over people not calling or caring but I never call nor write either.

I am Jack's mutilated ego.

Taste her fuller every day

Take the quiz at dicepool.com

You are a good old-fashioned six-sided cube, otherwise known as a d6. Others know you to be plain, predictable, conservative, average, ordinary, and downright boring. You prefer to describe yourself as dependable, honest, practical and trustworthy. People usually know what to expect from you, since you rarely hold any surprises. You hate to make decisions, and if forced to decide, you'll always fall back on how it was done in the past. You always order the same thing at your favorite restaurant, and your jokes, while funny, are never too offensive. It seems that you are well liked, but maybe that's simply because there's nothing to hate.

Unicorn You scored 40% Esotericism, 34% Power, and 24% Malevolence!

The unicorn is a legendary animal. It is usually portrayed as a slender, white horse with a spiraling horn on its forehead, although its appearance and behavior differs, depending on the location. In the west it was usually considered wild and untamable, while in the Orient it was peaceful, meek and thought to be the bringer of good luck. There it is usually depicted as a goat-like creature, with cloven hooves and a beard. In Japan it is called Kirin, and in China Ki-lin. The word "unicorn" is based on the Hebrew word re'em ("horn"), in early versions of the Old Testament translated as "monokeros", meaning "one horn", which became "unicorn" in English. The creature is possibly based on the rhinoceros or the narwhal, a marine creature with one horn.

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 24% on Esotericism You scored higher than 32% on Power You scored higher than 31% on Malevolence

Link: The Mythological Profile Test written by LacedWithASmile on Ok Cupid

All you have to do is fall in love

I'm back on a Queen kick. Bicycles and Fat-Bottomed Girls forever!

I just took this test over at http://www.gone2thedogs.com/
It seems supernatural that I am a Lowchen (petit chien lion), which is in the family of Bichons (BeBe is a Bichon Frise). When pruned and clipped, this dog resembles a miniature lion, and is good-natured and intelligent.

He's got nobody left to believe

Somebody left an old rusty bike chain onto the sidewalk today. It was extremely rusted, and the rust tainted the snow around it. I felt sad as I walked past it.

I'm trying desperately not to develop a complex over this, but... I'm so weak. I asked Linda if she still wanted to hang out tonight even though we have no session, and she replied "To do what?". I never have an answer to that. To me, my goal is just to hang out and spend some time with her, so I figure we'll figure something out. But I think I'm just too boring... she still can't imagine anything we can do together. I'd be happy doing anything, but she wouldn't. It made me very sad, even though I know that is just the way she is. "If you'd like", "I don't know what we'd do though". Daggers.

Just put your tiny daggers in my heart.

I also had nightmares. I'm not sure if it was related... I had a little trouble sleeping after that. I dreamed of some great evil that a group of innocents (including me and apparently Nads) were trapped in, and I couldn't save them all. Nads told me that I was freaking out at night and I screamed her name and it scared her. I curled into her arms and went into another nightmare.

Every night I burn, every night I scream your name.

I'm so lucky to have her. I suffer the guilt of someone who knows that they are getting better than they deserve, and yet still want more.

There's nothing you can ever say, nothing you can ever do

Signs of depression that I possess:

Change in sleeping habits--too much or too little; waking earlier than usual
- too little. I also wake up abnormally early on days when I shold be sleeping in

Change in appetite or weight
- I've been losing weight, which was already a dismal 120, pretty much nonstop for six months. I'm down to 113. I may disappear soon.

Doing things more slowly or very rapidly (speaking for example)
- I do both of these. Sometimes I'm just heavily shaking when trying to do something. Sometimes it's hard for me to get my thoughts together to speak.

Feeling tired, loss of energy
- Well, I think everyone exhibits this one.

Inability to concentrate, confused, slowed thinking, indecisiveness
- Inability to concentrate is a new one that worries me... sometimes I can't focus on what people are saying. I'm still pretty much never confused, and I'm slower than I was before, but that could be age. I've been indecisive forever.

Feeling of worthlessness, self hate, guilt
- 3 fragments of my being.

Feeling hopeless and helpless
- I'm very optimistic, I think, but I am often helpless.

Self neglect--not bathing or changing clothes--a change in hygiene
- I'm decently hygenic, but I can't pay attention to vitamins and fruits and crap like that

Excessive drug or alcohol use
- Does World of Warcraft count?

Thoughts of death, suicide wishing to be dead
- I often have thoughts of death. I try to imagine the funeral, and how I want everyone to be happy. I sometimes think about what would happen if I was never born at all. Would the gang still have a fourth? Who would it be? I don't think of killing myself, I must say. And I don't so much wish to be dead rather than having an opportunity to die for people I love, to forever authenticate how much I care about them.

But when everybody loves me, I'm going to be just about as happy as can be

I am Jack's inflamed sense of rejection.

Mark is under extreme depression as I speak. And I am helpless. I am keeping vigil just in case he responds, as I have made very lame attempts to communicate, but I don't think he will. Even Linda tells me I can't help, even though she asked me to. I'm afraid. Somehow I forgot about his volatile state... he seemed to be okay yesterday. He was never comfortable with speaking to me about anything personal, so I realize I definitely can not be any help and may only hinder... but maybe if I remain vigilant.

It hurts me that Linda is so upset and worried, as well. She is my authority on Mark, really, and she has seen him depressed before. If she thinks it is serious, then I can't hope to reason otherwise. Writing in this journal at this moment feels like a sin. Although this event has made me realize that I want so badly to do stuff for my friends precisely because I am so utterly helpless to aid them in any way.

I really hope he is okay. I wish I could tell him that he could rely on me. That I'd pretty much rather ride in his car then any other. That I wish I am as smart as he is. I want to say it, and have him believe me. I can't remember what I wrote to him in my wedding note... I wonder if he believed that. Could the fact that it was in writing change anything?

If I were you I'd go

The secrets are horrendous in me.

There's something about receiving actual mail that will never be replaced by anything electronic. I love getting mail that isn't a bill or spam, and opening it. I think that's the real crime of having your mail opened. You don't get that moment of anticipation - why would someone write to me in this digital age?

I'd sacrifice anything for the sake of having you near

I just had the most amazing weekend. It is one that I think I will remember for the rest of my life. Linda spontaneously spawned a plan on Friday for us to leave Friday night to Ottawa, stay at a hotel, and skate along the Rideau Canal. I missed skating so dearly! I haven't skated for about 7 years despite my love for it. Linda was teaching Mark and I how to skate backwards, and we skated for hours. On Friday night we left my house at 10:00pm. The drive was estimated at 4 hours, but it took a little longer than that. In the car we managed to entertain ourselves with conversation about Warcraft, and pretending we were in different horror movie scenarios. We got to our hotel at about 2:30am and we stayed up and watched some infomercials. The pillows at the Chateau Laurier were really amazing... I had a good sleep but I could only sleep about 4 hours from the excitement. Linda woke up half an hour after me, but I didn't want to wake Mark so I explored the hotel a bit. There wasn't too much there... a few stores, some loud children. When I returned to the room Linda and I left Mark to sleep and visited the stores. She bought some postcards and then we sat down and talked for a while, which was great because we hardly have a chance to speak alone. The thing that sticks out in my mind about that palaver is my sense of pride?... admiration, maybe, of her morality. On Saturday, after skating, we went to eat at this yuppy Japanese-Chinese "fusion" place called Kinki. There I had my favourite alcoholic concotion ever - the Emerald Dragon. This is why I get Linda to pick drinks for me! Everyone seemed to enjoy it even though it was pretty expensive. We noticed that Ottawa is a pretty wholesome place, and that all the girls that work at the establishments are all above-average in looks. I could scarcely believe it. We left Ottawa at around 9:15pm, after visiting a chocolate factory and a used book store (Canada's largest!). I bought Nads a chocolate rose (I am so glad Nads didn't make a fuss about me going on this trip). There was a decent selection of books, but no Sartre. That's like a house full of condiments and no food. On the way home Linda slept for a bit (I battled very hard and bitterly to stay awake), and then we sang some songs (including Bohemian Rhapsody!) before we realized we could sing along to actual music with Mark's I-Pod. We rocked out. Hard.

My muscles still ache from carrying the bags while skating the whole time. My heart ached a bit when I thought about the cost of the trip, and on the drive home and it was going to be over. The cold seemed colder, then, and I felt exhausted. Was it all from the lack of sleep?

I also need to amend my last post... Through our conversation I learned that Linda is actually seriously in debt. I told Nads that I wish I won the lottery so that I can pay for Linda to get her aviator's license and a job being a bush pilot and pay off her debts, and Mark a new car. I can't really imagine what to get Richard, because he seems to just get everything he wants. I'd probably get him a complete entertainment system and a tricked out computer or something. Nads told me that that was a waste of money and I should not spend my winnings like that. She claims that's how people go poor. I said I would happily be poor if that means I can fulfill other people's dreams, and that it's pointless for me to win the lottery except to do so. She still doesn't understand that they're my family, I guess, and I can't blame her.

The one you said I could do without

This comes on the heel of another reading of Linda's journal. And inquiries into one of the entries thereof... more personal information for my insatiable appetite. During our conversation, she caught me trying to be sly instead of asking directly, and she proclaimed that I am so transparent. I told her I am, and that's why I'm diaphanous.

I sometimes think about financials. I was never the richest of the gang, but now I'm pretty sure I'm the most poor. Linda mentioned that she had $3000 in her savings! I was always worried about her the most, and I would tend to buy Linda stuff or pay for her at dinner or anything like that (well, for Linda more than anyone else, I mean). And she's always mentioning how she shouldn't be spending money. I am so proud of her that she has so much saved up to pursue her dreams, of going back to Sweden and things like that. I will of course continue to support her any way I can. Every month I am barely scraping together enough to make ends meet, and that doesn't really worry me, except I am not as free to do things like spontaneously buy people gifts. Although the poorer I am, the more I want to do things like that. It's often worth it, anyway. Richard is of course very stable right now as well, although I am worried about his spending habits. He has a lot of extra income right now and he has always just bought everything he wanted. And even when he didn't have his own income his mom would support him. Mark... well, I don't know what kinds of straits he's in now, but he hasn't worked in over a year, and I'm not sure he's eligible for unemployment since he worked for a company located in the States. I think he has a lot in investments though.

I have some weird makeup that makes me want to know every single detail about my friends. Something's wrong with my cocktail.