Pray to God for love and hope

When I started recording my thoughts here and decided to make it public, I was careful to focus on my thoughts or feelings towards a person, rather than what they've done or focusing on them. Recently, I have been much less careful. Even though I don't feel it is shameful to state my thoughts on any particular person, maybe not everyone reads it the same way. To me, this journal is something to use to evaluate me, but I suppose people can pass judgment on the people I write about.

So, even though it never occurred to me that stating Richard lies would be somewhat shameful to reveal for him, I have strayed and perhaps gone too far in this public forum. I will not write any more perceptions about him, though he is part of the gang and thus occupies some significant portion of my thoughts. But I don't want to hurt him or cause him stress. On the other hand, I welcome people to speak out their thoughts about me.

Phantasm this weekend was great. Mark and I failed to invite Linda... how does this keep happening? I always assume he's going to, especially since they hung out on Thursday. And years of training. I think the weekend was significant for Mark, and he seems a lot happier afterwards. We played some UT2004 at ELan and that was fantastic too... Mark was a maniac with his shield gun.

Mark's mom and Bill were so nice and were great hosts as usual, and gave me a bottle of her home-made wine to boot! Also, kindness award also goes to Chris for helping me pick up Keith's gift from stupid Brampton. I really tried to look for it elsewhere and I feel really bad, but I'm glad my back is so covered.

You're irresistibly wrong

The cover of identity. It is the Post-Modern plague. The condition has existed since society formed out of chaos, but only in the last century or so has it ever been identified as a problem. And you should be aware. It is a problem.

Sometimes we go to great lengths to provide a cover and reinforce our identity. There was an Undergrads episode about it. He became the guy who wouldn't leave his room, and eventually he wouldn't leave his room to keep his cover, even though he did want to leave his room. The lengths we go through breaks all logic. Richard will sometimes lie just to maintain his cover. He's getting a lot better about it, but it's amazing. Partly it's also because other people reinforce our identity. Just this morning Nads said to me: "You like wine? Who are you? What have you done with my husband?" And in order not to disappoint others' conceptions of our identity, we try to keep it cohesive and intact. We don't know what will happen if people find out we're not always the same person, that you can't count on us to be the same person (at all levels) at any given moment. Unfortunately, our identity is fragmented. Lacan's theory. Good old Jacque.

What really worries me about his theory though (if it is correct) is this part that he calls the Real. The part that can't be represented through the symbolic order (ie, can't be represented with any tool we possess). This means that each of us faces the Real alone (as we can't express it), and I don't think everyone can do it.

Anyway, things are returning to a precarious equilibrium. I'm sleeping more soundly, Richard is returning to work, and Mark and Linda are hanging out again. Equilibrium is sneaky though, and life may be shaky before week's end.

I write these stupid words and I love every one

I can't understand why the argument last night was bothering me so much. I think it's because Linda pretty much flipped out. I finally resolved it this morning when I decided that I'm just not going to argue with her anymore... it's really not worth the stress to her. I actually managed to stay calm, which is unusual when I have arguments about logic.

The argument was about whether Snatch Arrows was an ineffective feat for her to take. I understood her argument about her defense being good and it wouldn't be effective, if it was a defensive feat. But I think my argument is still sound. Snatch Arrows lets her catch thrown weapons and throw them back at her opponents. That's turning a defensive feat that she already has (Deflect Arrows) into an offensive feat. It allows her to get an attack of opportunity every time someone throws a weapon at her. Just to make sure I was understanding that correctly, I asked her if she could use it every time someone threw something at her, even if they don't hit her. I don't think I communicated the fact that it was an offensive feat correctly, and she now thinks I'm stupid or something. She (and Chris) decided that I just didn't understand the math and started explaining it to me (I was trying to be polite and not interrupt). Getting to use your attacks of opportunities seems pretty good to me.

Anyway, all in all I still really enjoyed the evening. Getting loots, gaining levels, and getting to play Isaac again! Man, I can't wait to grapple something/one, or bull rush them off a cliff, or net and bash them. It's funny how the weapon specialization mechanic has worked out for D&D, I think. The whole point of focusing on a single weapon is to differentiate fighters from each other... having a signature weapon sort of thing. But every figther specializes now (and it's very detrimental not to do so... Weapon Spec and Improved Weapon Focus/Spec are just amazing). I purposefully made Isaac to be the exact opposite, so that he can focus on weapon versatility, but he's really suffering. I don't know what to do with his feat selections since nothing seems as good as Weapon Focus and Spec. I could probably be doing double the damage I am doing now if I went a regular fighter route. Not to mention the party rogue has a better hit bonus than I do (and can do waaaaaay more damage when sneak attacking).

I should be sleeping like a log

More restless sleeping. Last night was guilt-based again. Two nights ago was terror-based. Three nights ago was just hella disturbing. I'm beginning to think I'm a terrible person and that my endless nightmares are some kind of punishment from a conscience that isn't in control, like a rebelling teenager in an academic environment. We tried sleeping on a makeshift bed made from our couch cushions laid onto the floor and in front of the AC last night. It worked for Nads. I don't know if a new bed will help me... I hope the solution is that easy.

I'm so worried. I'm sending out my guardian angels a lot these days. I think I will finally get my review tomorrow. What a relief, but I also think it will be disappointing.

My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating

Wow... I just went through some settings on my blog... finally I found where to control my stupid timezone. Also, I didn't notice that only blogger.com members could post, so I've changed it so everyone could comment. In addition, there's some word verification thing to help me stop comment-spam. Hurray! I also messed with the layout a tiny bit... nothing big yet, but I feel it needs to change.

I had weird kung-fu dreams again last night, as Nads would call them. This time, I did know kung-fu, and it was the only thing that was keeping me alive against two invincible (at least, invincible to me) demons that were trying to kill us (Nads and I... she knew kung-fu too). Besides, that, I only remember bits and pieces... almost falling off Niagara Falls, cleverly setting up decoys in a hotel room and furtively sneaking away, deciding what to bring with me, a martial arts tournament, in which our team distracted some rival team with mention of food, and a frustrating experience at a convenience store. I woke up way early because of it.

When these impossible odds are laid against me, I usually wake up either because my mind starts questioning how I've survived this long (as was the case this morning) or because I reach a frightening point that gets my adrenaline pumping (which is usually the case with my action-oriented dreams).

I don't understand how the last card is played

but somehow the vital connection is made

A word to push onto the overused stack: interesting. It means a wide variety of things, including the exact opposite. "That's... interesting" really means "please shut up about it". Does it hurt interesting that we've turned its meaning into its arch-nemesis? Someone should get to the bottom of this.

I'm getting upset at how short-tempered Mark is being with Linda. Yes, she can have biting remarks but I feel she is never mean-spirited about it. But Mark's responses are downright hurtful and rude. It was really different when they just used to argue about stuff... then Linda would at least be arguing back. Now, Linda makes a comment, Mark yells something mean at her, and she does not respond. I guess that is an indication of how much it hurts her. He needs to stop before there is no return. And I can empathize with his situation... his temper is probably shorter because of his sleep depravation, but I can't excuse him forever. He must be able to think long term. He's way smarter than that.

I know all the games you're playing, cause I play them too

The connotation of this line would be so different if I were the one to say it.

Ringtones are a new, indirect way to express our feelings. The Rogers commercials have already suggested as much. It seems that every year there is a new way for us to do so, but is expressing indirectly healthy for us? Why do we seem to need an increasing number of ways to express ourselves?

Cell phones also bring up the issue of conformity for me. You can tell conformity is a huge issue with cell phones by the desperate race for customization amoung all the phones. Realtrax, assigning different tunes/pictures to different callers, wallpapers, etc. It's all subtle and indicative solely through the need for individualization. It's like dancing in your own crazy way. Are there any left brave enough to conform to something fully and not have it threaten their identity?

I know I'm all wrapped up in sweet attrition

I was working for the army of evil... and my squad was stationed at some suburban house. The leader of the squad was this fly... thing. We first went to a warehouse to fight a squad of the forces of good. We ended up getting our asses kicked but suffered no casualties. Back at HQ, the leader was asking why we lost and the other lackeys were like "it's useless", etc. and I suggested that we get a Death Knight (a laWarcraft 3) so that he can heal us (well, those of us who were undead... I was not) and eliminate their advantage (which was healing). So the fly summons a death knight the next night, and I was in the van with my bag, which I knew had everything I cared about. Then I overheard some lackeys arguing with the death knight outside. Apparently, the death knight wanted to leave his horse here but the lackeys thought he should take it with him. Realizing that this death knight is retarded, I exited the van and watched it drive off.

I hung around the house for a while, and at some point I felt a fly zip into my eye, underneath my eyelid. Annoyed, and perhaps not thinking it through, I started squeezing it (while it was still under my eyelid). It was impressively hard to squish, which was when I realized the fly was really the leader guy, so I squeezed harder and he was squashed. Trying not to think about what that's going to do to my eye, I proceeded to hang around the house.

I was all worried that I had left my bag o' everything in the van, but then I found it by the computer. I was just chilling at the computer, deciding to leave the army of evil, when three of the lackeys unexpectedly made it back from the assault. One of them had a hand grenade launcher, and I immediately knew he was coming to get me. I grabbed my bag and ran for the back room (this is where my adrenaline started pumping), and I opened the window... except it was those stupid three layered windows. The window, the easy-open mesh, and a mesh that was glued on. I manage to rip the top and bottom of the glued mesh but I couldn't get the middle and the guy was so close to the house. I struggled with all my might and dove out the window just in time. Then I woke up.

Anyone can make what I have built

I got my IPod Shuffle yesterday. I wear it around my neck and I'm never taking it off. There is no time like Super Burger Time. I don't think I had nightmares last night, but somehow I still woke up too early/often.

Seems that we've grown older and time has beat us

The players:
Debbie (some blond woman, friend, aspiring musician, manager of one of the clubs)
Debbie's husband (my good friend)
Debbie's father (overlord of several strip clubs in TO and other cities)
Me (a close friend of the others, aspiring musician)

The plot:
I play a gig at some venue, and had an okay crowd as far as a local aspiring artist goes. Deb sets up a gig and only 2-5 people attend (I feel horrible). After some encouragement from me and her husband, she decides to give it her all and performs. A couple of days later, Deb's father decides that he doesn't need managers at each of the individual clubs in Toronto, and he could just have one general manager for all of them.

The conflict:
The father decides that the GM is going to be me (I feel horrible). I spend the rest of the night tossing and turning about what would be the right thing to do, as the announcement would be sure to crush Deb and I really didn't want her to have to accept losing her job/demotion on top of the poor showing at her recent gig. Deb's hubby protests with the father but it is futile. For some reason he thinks it is a good idea and he likes me for the job.

Yes, this disturbed my sleep enough to make me really tired today. Why can't I have normal, zombie nightmares like regular people?

Making love to you was never second best

The problem with using song lyrics for titles is that I always then want to type the next line in here. I'm doing it anyway:

I saw the world crashing all around your face

Another problem is that I never want to use the same song twice, but there are some songs that are just so good. What a world!

Linda actually replied to my letter... my heart overflowed with joy. She even asked me about my opinions, which makes me feel bad about the whole experiment thing and I'm going to drop that whole thing. Are my insecurities bothersome? I suppose they must be. But how can I help it? Eeyore and I are linked.

Mark is coming over to install the All In Wonder replacement (that's right.. I scored a TV Tuner out of this)... hopefully all goes well.

Of every waking hour, I'm choosing my confessions

Okay. I refuse to read another random blog until the exponential growth of blogs that are clearly just advertising vessels cease, and reversed. It's not bad enough that I get blog spammed, but now it's like trying to find warez on the internet. I'm just waiting for the day I will get popups that I can't close from these fuckers. Grrrrr.

Who’ll make a man out of me?

The concert started out a bit slow. We arrived in the middle of David Usher's set.... completely missed Jesus Was My Girl. Le sigh. But then Sloan came on, and they were rockin'. Chris Murphy is the penultimate showman. At one point he ran around the inner (standing) area of the arena and pointed to all the seated sections and made them cheer... and then ran back through the standing crowd back onto the stage, which started the revolution. Having previously been contained in their seats, he decided to invite everyone down to the standing area (like the ushers could stop us!) and the concert went from good to far out from there. And of course, there were lots of jump kicks (while playing the guitar) by Mr. Murphy. He had some drumming antics as well, which were hilarious. Then came Finger Eleven. The lead singer was on some serious drugs. One of their band members (bass or guitar player?) seemed completely extraneous as he was just randomly throwing his instrument around and flailing his arm at it once in a while. And the lead singer left the stage a few times (to call 911?). Unfortunately, they played almost everything from their new album and only three songs from the better album, and not even the best ones. That's right, they didn't play Tip. Good Times was completely radical in concert though.

With that in mind, I've developed some kind of secret tech to putting on a good concert: max(enjoyment of songs people may not know) + total hardcore rock(songs that everyone knows) = fantastic concert. This could be as big as the theory of relativity, folks. You saw it here first. I think the main reason the Sloan show was so great was that even though I didn't know some of the songs, I still had a great time because they were constantly having fun on stage.

I created a gentleman pirate wrestler (of course, the gentlemanship is just a veneer) on Saturday, which took forever, and I haven't even assigned his move list yet! Do we really need 154 eyebrows to choose from? Anyway, the game's enjoyment will skyrocket for me once I have my own wrestler so it will be worth it.

I just finished Tactics and I started FF IX. Oh my god, I am so in love. Except for Steiner (I named him Raws), he can pretty much just go to hell at this point. But everything else: so good. I spent an hour playing the card game... this better not be another blitzball.

I had a series of three tragic nightmares last night (3BB). Okay, they weren't that tragic but they disturbed my sleep enough. The first one was my mom totally flipping out and banging on our door and Nads getting really pissed and was going to confront her. At that point my mom had set off the fire alarm and removed an extinguisher and was banging on the door with it, until firemen/policemen came to drag her away like a crazy person. That dream was from guilt, I'm pretty certain. The next one, I had a fight with my dad. He was just waiting for me in front of my door. I didn't want to hurt him, but in the end he forced me to stomp on his face and then he gave up. A little while after he told me he was proud of me and that the fight wasn't serious, and I felt a bit better. The third nightmare was a bit bizarre. I was part of some group at a swimming pool, and we had divided into two teams, and each team became this gang in a play (think West Side Story in the pool). For some reason Linda did not want to get in the pool and I was going to comfort her but Mark was already doing that so I thought I'd best not interfere (is this a recurrence of what happened when Leo ran away?). Anyway, as the musical proceeded, there was another girl I knew (but I don't know her in awake-world) and for some reason she was thrown down and her swimsuit ripped open, bearing her boobies for all to see (although I didn't see them, I was paying attention to something else). Needless to say she was traumatized and I took her indoors to comfort her. Then she asked me to find out who the boys were that did this to her, and to my advantage I had the cast list. However, since I didn't see it happen I still had no faces to put to the names, and my task was more difficult because they were now playing a game that involved flying (real) spaceships around and I had no one to interrogate. Eventually, the girl and I were in a van, and some other girl who was in the gang was driving by in a UPS-like van, so I quickly got out and jumped in so that I could ask her if she saw what happened. She gave me the names I was looking for, but just as she did, the traumatized girl drove her truck, flipped in a ditch and crushed some children and was no where near the culprits in question. I was very saddened that she took her life and that I was a complete failure at comforting her.

Imagine what my body would sound like slamming against those rocks

I saw that episode of Futurama again last night. Yes, the most profoundly sad episode of Futurama ever. Poor Fry. You'd never think love from a cyclops would be so hard to obtain.

I've been reading random blogs. It is a lot like Russian roulette... for every five duds you get one winner (loser?). I did find one really amusing post at http://purplepowwow.blogspot.com though. Working in thrift store sounds like an adventure. There are some blog crimes out there though, that I hope never to commit. Some of them are:

1) Clutter your page with crap. Do we really need every inch of space filled with content?
2) Blogs about politics. You are about the 1 billionth person to post on any topic concerning politics. If you live in California, all your opinions about political issues are void. The whole state is like America's one big publicity stunt... it's sickening.
3) Blogs by parents. All they do is talk about their kids. Orbit some other planet.
4) Stupid truncations. Like u r 4ever going 2 b stupid.
5) Blogs from the point of view of pets. It was amusing when the first person did it. Stop now.

I spoke with Linda two nights ago. I forgot about not injecting myself into the conversation... I hope I'll remember next time. I am totally feeling like dog poo that she received an invitation to the concert too late. I can't believe Mark was so stubborn that he didn't even invite her yesterday. I mean, it'd be too late, but it'd still be better than not inviting her at all.

It's 2:15pm and no one has told me what the plan is for pickups. We are the superstars of planning. For the first time in a long time, I was completely bored yesterday. I just sat around trying to decide what to do to cure my boredom for a long time. It didn't help that the PS2 was in use and I really wanted to play Final Fantasy Tactics. I'm so close to the end.

A playdoh mask, a million miles to go

Another thing about person blogs that I've noticed: Everyone seems to think their life/observations are crazy, but it's all pretty much the same. I've seen some of this stuff in movies, books, shows... somewhere. I know my thoughts aren't unique. They're also incompl.

I worship all your handsome words

One thing I don't do in arguments that seem rather popular with other people: Tell the other person to leave, or make myself inaccessible. I don't like to hurt people, I guess... maybe I crave reconciliation. I mean, I can see situations where I would want someone to leave, but they would have to be very extreme and not something silly like an argument over trivial things. Maybe I just have more foresight than most people when I'm in an argument, but I don't ever want to say things that will put a relationship beyond repair.

Eric Lindros for 1.5 million. What the heck are the Leafs doing?

Things are worse on the Richard front. Still, I have hope it will be better. He must decide to beat it. He must. Mark and Linda are still not in the best of terms, despite my best efforts. I'm not sure when Mark became so intolerant of Linda's difficulties, but it seems irrational. He claims he just doesn't want to deal with her anymore, but he's being just as unforgiving as she is. Why waste our little time together on this? I don't know. I can't get enough time with them and I can't imagine wasting it being angry.

Don't believe that I wouldn't dare to go and take you right back, baby

I realize that in my last post I had left out Jen's animal. I had thought about it in that shower, but I couldn't find one that fitting... it doesn't help that I don't know all that much about animals (much of my knowledge comes from Disney cartoons). I think I came to the conclusion of an ape.

Last last Saturday, on my way to the streetcar I was accosted by a crazy person. He was clearly talking to himself as he walked down the street (in the opposite direction), but I didn't think he would bother me... I hoped it. So, of course, he stops right in front of me and starts talking to me about trains. At first I was polite and stopped to listen, but as the minutes wore on I started to displace myself. He followed along, talking about trains - how they work, what they're powered by, their velocity. I'm not sure his facts were completely accurate. Near the streetcar platform he subtly asked me for bus fare so I gave him a token. We said our goodbyes and I boarded the streetcar. I'd like to think that I gave him the token out of pity and not fear, but in retrospect I should never have given him the token. I really shouldn't encourage this kind of behaviour from crazy people.

You are the perfect slug, the perfect slug, the perfect slug

Eight days a week is not enough to show I care

Today in the shower I found the answer to the ever important question: what animals would we be if we were all animals?

Nads - Lioness
Mark - Tiger
Linda - Cat
Richard - Chameleon
Ellen - Sloth
Me - Dog

I was hanging on a tree, unaccustomed to such violence

If there is one truth to my life, it's that bad things happen to my computer. I feel terrible about it... when Mark was installing the new ultra-l33t fan for my video card, he accidentally scratched it and he is replacing it. Knowing the financial strife he is going through, it is not a good feeling. I tried to convince him to wait until he has a job but he says he feels bad. And round and round we go.

I think what I need to get me back into focus at work is to do a huge project. I'm going to do a large project, that's final. I still need to do some practice questions on the Google Code Jam.

So, I'm going to stick with the family structure that's in my head in regards to the gang. I think we're headed through rough times, and some members of the family don't like/don't talk to each other or whatever, but we're still a family, right? I have to believe that? I don't really know... it's really upsetting me (I can feel it in my stomach). I suck as a mediator.

Something Mark told me got me thinking though... is Linda's recent bonding with me some attempt to make him jealous? I hope not, but I don't know... I am a tool, as she likes to proclaim. That leads me to wonder why I think it would be okay anyway, just because she is important to me... even though... it hurts to even think about it. Eyeore never had it so good.

Regarding Richard's situation... I think he is at a point now where he can either take complete control of his life and his past or let the disorder crush him and derail his life. Having grown up with him I realize it'd be all too easy for him to succumb and go back to the way his life was before Jen (thankfully) walked into his life. She totally has the right idea and the right motive. But I think Richard needs to do this part on his own. Just deciding which direction to go, and realizing that he can definitely control enough parts to make things go that way (even if he doesn't know how). Tony Robbins stuff, I guess. Faith. Fear and Trembling.

Cause the sun will come through, anyday now.... anyday

I'm still in the funk. I don't understand what it is... I've totally lost the zest I had for my job. It's not a bad job at all. If it wasn't paying so poorly it'd be a great job. Something is wrong with *me*. I'm distracted, overly tired, and knowing that Richard has his anxiety disorder makes it even worse. Knowing that Mark is into money problems makes it worse. Knowing Linda would quit the D&D group if it wasn't for me makes it worse. Knowing I'm not very productive with my review coming up is making it worse. My stupid computer issues are making it worse.

The revelation that Mark and Richard used to complain and be downright mean about each other behind each others' backs is also kind of disturbing. It makes me wonder what kind of shit they've said about me. I guess not everyone can have my flowery lenses. It's also extremely difficult to properly converse with Richard when he brings up Linda. He can't understand why he can't win with her, and I can barely control myself and keep myself from releasing all my fury. But, I manage to keep calm with thoughts like, he's sick and terrified right now, it's probably not the best time to confront him.

I think this is the whole problem with the gang's group dynamic: Everyone has been really nice to me. All the horrible stories I've heared about how they treat each other... none of them are directed towards me. I don't really understand the protective veil that's been shielding me from these horrors, and I'm not even sure I'm glad to have it. Maybe I'm so dumb that I don't realize when people I care about do horrible things to me. I'm like that puppy you can just keep kicking but he'll still come back.