Are you gonna be my girl?

I can take a whole lot of mistreatment from people, and my faith in our friendship will remain unshaken. Maybe it's because I'm used to rejection and feeling bad, and partly it's because I know that I've likely mistreated them in the past, but recently I've discovered that my faith is not limitless like I had thought. Or maybe I knew this before, but had forgotten. Either way, I've been reminded.

There has always been a huge gap between me and pretty much everyone I know. I keep all details about me, from mundane to personal, close, like they were dimensional secrets that would unravel time and space if discovered. This is because I feel that no one really cares to know, but also because I feel that the more people know about me, the less they'll like me.

So I really wonder how much my friends - even the gang - know me. I reveal pieces of myself, and sometimes they are risky and dangerous pieces like when I wrote them little heartfelt letters before my wedding, but mostly it's inconsequential stuff. But they've been around so long that they've seen me with my guard down, I guess. And I still feel shy around them when I haven't seen them for a while. The other day when I saw Jen for the first time in about half a year, I could barely stumble out a “hi” before hiding behind a kitty. I lose the ability to relate to people pretty quickly, I guess.

And they are aloof also, and as aloof as they are, I for some reason believe that they care and that I could count on them if I needed help (this one doesn't require much faith – my friends are awesome), or if I needed to talk. There was a period when Linda and I didn't speak or see each other for over a year, and still, I believe she cares. She shows it in many different ways. Recently Richard and Chris had been getting together without even inviting me, but that bugged me only a little. Somehow, I did not go emo over that. Mark ignores about half the things I say, but I've gotten used to it. I wonder how they did this, get underneath my damage in such a way that I don't really worry about it anymore.

But if I tell you I am upset and I want to talk, and you not only treat it as if it's unimportant for weeks, and moreover just stop talking to me and push me away, my faith breaks. I guess it is some basic expectation of friendship, that if a friend comes to you and says, “I'm terribly sad and upset. Please set aside some time to talk with me,” that the only response possible – if you are indeed friends – is “yes, let me set aside some time tonight [or tomorrow night] so that we can talk in private [with my full attention]”. Not “no [you are not worth my time] [i'm sure it's not that important] [i'd rather do almost anything else] [we are not friends]” (bracketed statements are implied). Also, not “yes”, and then not tell me when you are free, hoping I don't notice, and ignore it for a week.

The problem is compounded because I will rarely, if ever, even admit that I'm sad or upset. So if I tell you that I need to talk, it's because both that I trust that you care to listen and also because I'm in serious trouble. Maybe I'm just really fragile about this, but I take care to make my friends feel important (or I hope I do) and I ensure they know that I am there to listen, will set aside time to listen, and will put off plans to listen if they need it. I can't stand the thought of them having doubts about that, and not coming to me when they need help.

So my heart breaks, and I'll agonize about it forever, and whenever it comes up in my mind I will think, “why didn't so and so care? What is wrong with me?” And even then, our friendship isn't truly over. It would take a herculean effort, but my faith can be gained again. But I will have hurt so deeply at that point that it would take a lot of care. And to be honest, I'm not worth that much effort. I'm not that special that you should seek to ease my pain, nor should you desire my friendship. I have no special skills to offer and I have nothing unique to give.

And so that's how it ends.

We'll crucify the insincere tonight

I am in a wretchedly emo segment of my life. Beware, all those who stand in my way, though it'll be mostly just me, and poor, poor Nads.

Something to understand about me: I will never feel like I am worth someone's time or effort. Even if this person is a salesperson at a shoe store, I feel embarrassed that someone should help me when I deserve nothing. It takes a long, long time to convince me that a person actually cares and wants to help (when it's more than business), and even after that it's very easy, and nearly unavoidable, to break that trust again. I require an awful lot of care and effort.

This behaviour extends online, too. I will try to give gold to people who are helping me, even though I've helped them in the past and in all likelihood owe me a bit of help (but I don't keep track). But I guess that's only with people I like... most of the people on the internet are pretty dreadful.

I wonder what it says about me that I can't really keep acquaintances. If I don't love you in some way, there's pretty much no chance of us keeping contact. I tire of, and fear, transactional relationships. Surround myself with a fence of deep and meaningful relationships, that's the dream. And I can't see outside the fence. I don't want to. I can't think of a single person from any institution or company I've been with that I keep contact with on even an occasional basis, and there is nothing against them. Perhaps if situations were different and different aspects about them were exposed, we would be friends.

Can you be friends with someone and not really want to spend much time with them? Anyone who has bothered to ask knows that if I had infinite money, I would build a luxurious loft/condo complex so that all my friends and I can live on a separate story, with come common facilities where we can do things together. I want them close, and I want to take care of a large portion of their needs. I want to help them fulfill their dreams. I don't think I'd ever pay for everything though, because life starts to become meaningless at some point, doesn't it? Having to pay for things keeps us grounded, and keeps our minds on the sad realities of the world. As I think this I imagine myself lying down on some grassy earth, with my ear to the ground, listening.

I feel myself withdrawing, and I know that I am breaking beyond repair. I am sad every time I have a chance to think. And even though I know my life is pretty good, I can't let go of the problems that beset me. Maybe I'm just spoiled, even though I'm more than thankful for everything and everyone I have.

I want to record this nightmare from the other night in case I forget it. It was really short. Nev was talking to me about something online and I was really tired so I kept dozing off. She was slightly miffed and eventually I just had to log off and go to sleep. However, when I tried to get to sleep, I had to go to the bathroom. At nights I use the bathroom outside so that I don't disturb Jas. As I neared the door to the bathroom, I heard that the tv was on in the living room and wonder why Nads left it on. But it could wait until after, and suddenly I felt this evil, malicious presence. I tried to brush it off and reach for the light switch to the bathroom, but something was holding onto my sleeve and not letting me move. I became really scared and tried to walk back into my bedroom, but I was paralyzed, and not by fear, although it was consuming me at this point. With all my willpower I tried to cry for Nads to help, but only small and intelligible sounds came out. In the real, waking world, however, I made loud unintelligible sounds and I wasn't paralyzed. I was kicking around, and just as the overwhelming fear was about to give me a heart attack, Nads woke me up. My heart raced for many minutes, and slowly came the awful realization that I needed to go to the bathroom. I managed to muster up the courage and go after a few minutes, but I quietly cursed my subconscious. I wasn't in tears like when I had my worst nightmare ever, but I was really, really scared and it took me a very long time to calm down.

The next chapter involves the Watchmen. There are spoilers here, so if you haven't read the book or if you haven't watched the movie, you should skip this section. It is very true to the graphic novel, and for this reason I highly recommend reading the book before seeing the movie. I felt like some of the scenes would not interest anyone who did not read or maybe even enjoy the book. Rorshach translated surprisingly well to screen even with the broken sentence structure. He was a complete badass, and I thank Mr. Haley for doing my favourite character justice. Overall the movie was good, so I'll just cover the three problems I had with it:

It was often overdramatized. Slow motion felt a bit abused at times, even though I realize this is supposed to be the style of the movie, it was a bit jarring at some points. I found myself wondering if they really needed slow motion for that particular shot. Anyway, this was not a big deal in any way.

I felt the way Laurie Jupiter (Silk Spectre) discovers the identity of her father was completely forced (and dumbed down) and I did not feel the way I did when I read the novel. They also didn't spend a lot of time developing or showing Laurie's hatred for the Comedian, so it was hard to understand why she was so upset. Finally, I could have sworn I didn't actually see any tears.

But the thing that bothered me the most was Dan's (Nite Owl) stupid little outburst and lashing out at Adrian Veidt (Ozymandias) after Rorshach is killed. Not only was this defeating the point of Dan's character (he's supposed to be helpless in the face of the events, even though he is a masked hero with all these super gadgets), but even moreso than that, he very clearly tells us that what Adrian did is wrong. That really violates one of the things that makes Watchmen great, which is the ambiguity of ethics and the weird morality that exists through the entire novel and culminates with the destruction of millions to save billions. Was what Adrian did right or wrong? That is the question that the Watchmen asks of us, and Dan's little didactic tirade takes that question away.

Otherwise, the movie was good. The score was a compilation of fairly popular tunes, and I felt they might have been chosen for popularity rather than suitability, but I'm no music critic so I'm not really sure if you can count on my opinion on this. The action was visceral and brutal, and the nudity did not feel gratuitous or unnecessary. I'll watch it again.

I guess I should stop rambling. Needless to say I feel like crap. As only when someone you care about tells you “you're not worth the effort” can make you feel.

These are the things I could do without

---

Lily was never the perfect student. Sometimes traffic accidents and weather conditions would prevent her from reaching school, and dogs would occasionally eat her homework. She had made, as her New Year's resolution, a vow to try to be a good student, but today was harder than most. Her eyes closed for an extended blink once again.

She heard about the apiaceae and the convolvulvaceae, and it's not that she wasn't interested in the topic (botany was an elective for her after all), but she didn't sleep very well last night. Her roommates were partying hard and, being the responsible student that she was committed to being, she stayed in her room and tried to sleep.

With the energy she gained from the seconds long nap, she managed to prop open her eyes again. She decided to try different techniques to stay awake. The first method she tried was to survey her classmates. The girl in front of her was wearing a blue ribbon in her hair, and it looked good, despite her red hair. She seemed to be drawing bunnies in her notebook, and the only actual note she took so far was the date. Next, she stole a look at the guy beside her, hoping that he wasn't looking at the time and that if he was, he did not get the wrong idea. She just wanted to look at the man that smelled a bit like a dirty wet towel, and then never sit beside, or near, or in the same universe as him again.

The professor was a tall man and endearingly passionate about plants. Lily often pondered what his house is like – if it had vines snaking across all the walls and furniture, if it had every colour you could find in nature, and if it contained the plant from Little Shop of Horrors. He would probably feed it, Lily mused, but not for power or a girl, but because he couldn't let a plant die. She imagined him singing to it: “Please grow for meeeeee!”

There's a guy with indistinnct black...

When Lily regained her vision again, she was determined to keep it this time by singing songs in her head. The first one that came to mind was a slow ballad that she didn't know the name of, which was entirely her friend's fault for mislabelling the song when he gave it to her. Also, it was a very bad song to stay awake to. Blink.

Lily was startled to find herself as one of the only people in the classroom. It's like everyone had just vanished and were replaced with other students. I hate it when people are ridiculously early for their next class, she muttered, as she quickly packed up and gained a second wind going into her break.

---

This is my first attempt to get back into writing, so please forgive the poor quality. I wanted to do more with Lily's tendency to blame others for stuff.

Now I'm an amputee, goddamn you

If it cost you a quarter to say goodnight every time, who would you still say goodnight to?

I love a long goodbye

"The person who is savvy enough to want to have a good PC to upgrade their video card, is a person who is savvy enough to know [BitTorrent] to know all the elements so they can pirate software," says Bleszinski. "Therefore, high-end videogames are suffering very much on the PC."

Now, I'm as much of a Dude Huge fanboy as the next Gears of War fan, and I've been a fan of his work since the original Unreal Tournament, but this statement is pretty absurd. Let me begin by saying that I have no interest in a PC version of Gears of War 2. I already have it pre-ordered for the X360.

First of all, I'm not going to suggest that he be loyal to the platform that made Epic and him. Times have changed and the business model on the PC is tough, rough, and all kinds of bumpy. And let's also assume that his statement is true.

From Epic's standpoint, any venture that makes a net profit is probably worth getting into, right? So let's examine if Epic can in fact make a profit on porting Gears of War 2 for the PC. Since I don't have any real numbers, I'm only appealing to reasoning and what one might think to be the case.

The primary concern for Epic must be the opportunity cost involved with having their developers make the port. This is offset by the fact that ports are easy to make, so they could probably hire some small team (of possibly co-op students) or another small studio to do this for them.

The cost of developing a port is miniscule compared to developing the original game. Often it is "gravy" on an already baked cake (yay mixed metaphors). Now, I've explored the issue of DRM before (maybe I haven't here, I will later!), but companies are convinced of the faulty premise that people would be buying their game if it couldn't be pirated, which is false. But, suppose Epic puts in an online validation for whenever you wanted to play multiplayer online, which is a really unintrusive and sensible thing to do. They could even use a great platform like Steam to do it. So then people pirating the game would only be able to play the single player. Let's face it, if you're playing Gears for the single player, you're probably not buying the game anyway. It's not like the single player campaign or style is completely revolutionary.

So then, can Epic sell enough copies to make a profit on the port? Consider that Sins of a Solar Empire sold half a million copies without any DRM at all. I realize that the higher requirements puts Gears into a smaller market, but the X360 is 3 years old. I can't imagine many gamers out there don't have a PC more recent that 3 years old. Also, with graphic options that you can toggle, you can reach a wider audience. So, are you seriously telling me that you don't think Gears 2 is a more enticing (or better) game than Sins of a Solar Empire?

I understand the issue of piracy, especially for developers. I can understand that it might not be smart to make an entirely new game targetted for the PC. What I don't understand is this seeming crusade against profit just to spite pirates.

Sometimes that small difference can feel like an abyss

I have a bad feeling about this...

It's hard to believe that I'm all alone

PvP talents in a Raiding Environment (or, Suboptimal Raiding Efficiency)

I'm sure some people thought that I was being a big jerk just out to trample some feelings last night, but I assure you this is not the case. If I didn't care enough to point out a mistake in thinking, I would've just ignored the conversation and wrote it off as hopeless. Here I will attempt to put together a more neutral discussion on why one should not equip themselves with PvP talents, equipment, or anything else that is fairly suboptimal into endgame raiding. Let me point out that my opinion does not matter, and neither does my experience with endgame content, except that I have witnessed what works in TNR and what does not. I am trying to appeal to logic and principle, and hopefully you can see that I do not hold my views just because I take the game too seriously or that I'm a jerknose. I apologize for the long read and will try to make it concise and logical in flow.

Note: This post isn't entirely pointed at Nerse, even though she inspired it. There are points that I will mention that don't apply to her, and I will even take special note to mention where I think things apply to her. As little as I know about her, I have gathered some things about her in our brief interactions.

1. The Lost Ark - The Goals of Raiding

The priority of these goals vary from raid to raid, but as the priority of these goals of each individual raider will also vary, I tend to be fairly relaxed in the baseline minimum.

Progression and Loot

I think this is the primary goal of any raid, whether they admit to it or not. I have been in several guilds, and the lack of progression has been a sore spot in many of them. This is partly due to the fact that the lack of new experiences causes the game to stale, and then boredom sets in and weighs in against other factors of why we play the game (social, comfort, etc.) and that causes unrest. The other aspect is the satisfaction we all get from accomplishing something new. Even if it has been done by other guilds, it's nice to do it yourself and with your friends and fellow raiders. This goal is where the efficiency arguments detailed later comes into play, but this goal is interwined with:

Dependability and Loyalty

These are more requirements than an actual goal, but raids have good loot systems and raid leads are generous with their time at least partly because they expect raiders to be loyal to the people who gear them. When people join, get some loot, and then leave, this causes some ire because there is some loyalty expected. A raid needs to have people who are dependable for signing up and showing up to raids. On the other hand, we also expect class and raid leads to do their research and remain focused enough to do their jobs. There is a need for people to care about the raid as an entity of itself, or in other words a need for people to care. This social aspect of raiding is where people go from being bad players to bad people.

Note: I think Nerse cares and this isn't her problem.

Fun

This is a rather grey area and one where there is a lot of give. There is certainly a place for personal fun, but one needs to balance this against the wishes of the other 24 people in the raid. If the raid is 100% fun and cares nothing for progression, than this discussion is not for you. But I've seen even raids and guilds that “only” care about fun and let people spec and do whatever they want suffer lots of unhappiness and frustration because of the lack of progression. TNR is about as casual as a raiding PuG gets. We raid only 10 hours a week and we all manage to have fun despite some frustrations. If you do not have fun getting loot and progressing in content, then you must ask yourself why you are raiding. I will treat this subject more throughout this piece.

II. Mythbusters – Debunking Common Arguments Against Raiding Efficiency

Theorycrafting is a very... theoretical thing. It is very dangerous for everyone to think one way, and I always encourage discourse about what is the best spec, gear, rotation, and strategy. I think some things in this area are up for argument, but some are certainly not (such as PvP talents).

1. But I'm doing more damage/healing than the other guy!

This is one we heard from various people in the channel last night in defense of Nerse against Zalin. Though Zalin may not be able to execute his healing, but that doesn't mean his theory is unsound. The question isn't whether you outheal or outdamage the next person in your raid, the point is whether you are able to outheal or outdamage yourself in your current state. This is also an argument I heard from Sat (and possibly Mokaz) regarding Mokaz raiding as Marksmanship. Though Mokaz's other arguments and approach too the discussion was very acceptable and I respect him for that, this particular reason does not garner any validity. The fact that you can outdps the noobs in your raid means nothing. How do you compare against top guilds in WWS? That's the question that needs to be answered. The crux of what I'm getting at here is it is only fruitful to compare yourself against people who are doing better than you, not worse.

Note: For the record, Mokaz also pointed out that he didn't notice any increase when he switched to BM, although I am unsure of whether this is a gear issue or something? Either way, it's an example of how to argue raiding efficiency.

2. But it keeps me alive!

This is one that we heard from Nerse last night. And in order to debunk this, I only ask this one question: How do the other healers in your raid stay alive without those same PvP talents? You should ask them and learn from them. Anecdotes about how those talents “saved” you are not enough. I view these anecdotes in the same light as I view insurance and the lottery. The occasional and rare circumstance where they come in handy are not worth the overall efficiency. If you are dying a lot, then you're likely doing something wrong (not moving out of aoe, not being aware of your own health, not gearing quite enough stamina) or your raid is (tanks are not picking up all the adds). Find out from your fellow raiders what the reasons may be. Again, to tie it back into progression, you are slowing down the progression of all your fellow raiders because you can't be bothered to pay attention so that you won't be caught in a stun and have a need for those three points spent in a bad talent for PvE. On the other hand, in a really hard progression fight where you will need to max every ounce of healing/dps effiency and mana efficiency you can get (such as blood rage on Gurtogg for you guys, maybe), you can't get the output you need because you have points tied up elsewhere. Also, on a more personal level and as a note of irony, Nerse then complained about repeatedly dying in the raid last night. Also consider what happens when everyone is spec'cing into PvP talents. How far would you progress then when everyone is doing less dps and less healing than they should? What you are doing, at best, is being unfair, and at worst being completely uncaring to the goals of your raid.

People sighed at me when I made my “but it doesn't have resilience” comment, but I was making fun of this same argument. Resilience keeps you alive against crits.

Note: I will discuss the Blessed Recovery talent specifically later on.

3. But the game is about having fun!

This is rather a narrow and selfish view when considered seriously. Sure, the game itself is about having fun and ultimately you should have fun. But fun doesn't trump a basic set of principles and decency that people tend to forget in a virtual social environment (especially in a large group like raiding). If you are not having fun raiding with a spec that will help your raid progress, the respectable alternative isn't to do whatever the hell you want at the expense of the others in your raid, the alternative is to not raid. You personally need to balance your desire for loot against your need for fun and find that happy ground for yourself, but not at the expense of others. This principle applies even regular 5 mans. For example, it's not any fun and quite the hassle to run back to your corpse, but it's still decent of you to do it. In the end it doesn't even affect the bottom line. But you've wasted everyone's time.

By declaring this argument, you've basically stated that your fun is more important than other people's, and that their goals don't really matter in the light of you having fun. Way to go.

Note: I don't think this is Nerse's issue, I think she cares enough, just has some misguided logic behind her decisions.

4. It doesn't make a difference.

This is something I heard from Sat last night. Specifically, she said she could do ZA in a PvP spec, to which I countered with “do you have four chests on farm?” (TNR does, and they still won't let anyone go with PvP specs) Situations will crop up where your PvE spec could help, such as if you accidentally pull an extra group. TNR has BT on farm, and we are still disappointed when a night meets with rather minor setbacks (a good example is our really messy win versus the Council last night), because time lost is still a cost in progression (and like I said, we only have 10 hours a week). And also because we know we can do better.

And again, could you do ZA if everyone in your raid was PvP spec'ced? Why should they have to spec PvE and you be exempt?

Note: I know that Sat would never actually do ZA with her PvP spec. She pretends not to care too much about raiding efficiency, but I know she cares =]

III. Making an example out of Blessed Recovery

For those of you who don't know what Blessed Recovery does:

Rank 3: After being struck by a melee or ranged critical hit, heal 25% of the damage taken over 6 sec.

I should be able to rest my case after mentioning that mobs cannot crit with spells. This means that you in order for this to proc, you are being physically hit. There are two ways this is likely to happen, and both of them can either be fixed by the raid or the priest herself (yes, I'm talking to you Nerse). The most likely, from your anecdote last night about being stunned, is that you're making a mistake positionally. Offhand I can only think of the charging mobs (in which case you're standing too far away) and the stomping mobs (in which case you are standing too close) that stun with physical hits. The second reason you may be physically hit is that you're pulling aggro, and that usually indicates a big heal at the wrong time rather than a necessity for this talent, or that your tanks are failing.

The same argument goes for Blessed Resilience. On top of that, if you're crit by a mob, and then hit again, you are most likely already dead, regardless of this talent.

IV. Expectations

With all this said, there are some things I want to clarify about my expectations from my fellow raiders, and also, what they should expect from me. What you should expect from your fellow raiders and from yourself.

I expect them to care and respect other people's time. Even in TNR we have people who don't show up on time, who don't bring consumables, who don't have their gear enchanted or socketed properly, and this shows callousness.

I don't expect that you will know everything about your class and theorycrafting. I do expect that you will ask for advice and accept suggestions from those of your raid that do their research, however. Or ask an adult you trust.

I don't expect that people take their raids so seriously that it affects their real life. However, people should be communicative about why they're not participating (with the raid leads). Raiding is a commitment much like making a commitment to a recreational yet somewhat competitive sports team. It takes effort and stress to organize 25 people. Show that you're putting in effort too.

5. Conclusions

You are not being a jerk for holding people accountable to their raiding efficiency. I don't think you should be rude about it, but if people are pointing out that spec'cing Blessed Recovery is dumb, that doesn't mean they are a jerk. It means they care enough about the raid and that they think highly enough of you to think that you care about the raid too. It also means that they are (perhaps mistakenly) confident enough to give you that advice, and maybe you can convince them that they are wrong.

However, they can still do it in unacceptably jerky ways. Being outwardly a jerk isn't the only way you can be a jerk, though. You can still be as much a jerk by being an irresponsible raider.