I want to know you, want to trust you

No need for words now, we sit in silence.

As I often do, I pondered as to why people give a rat's ass about celebrity news. Who had who's baby, who's breaking up with who, etc. Personally, I could never understand it, but today I thought of something that may be part of it.

I think that people like to know secrets. They love to know. But I also like to know other people's secrets, so how come I don't care about celebrity news? The answer is that there are two parts of a secret. The first is that it is forbidden knowledge, and it is this part that relates to celebrity news. It doesn't matter that everyone knows - all that matters is that you're not supposed to know. The second part is the sharing of the secret, and this is the part I enjoy. I like it when people tell me things they wouldn't tell other people. It is a sign of trust and friendship.

I divulged this little revelation with Sat, who said that it is also because it is a neutral topic that makes people feel involved, and people want to feel involved with anything. Probably true.

We're the bodies piled up by the roadside

Sometimes, I ponder about death. Usually not my own, but if my mother is sick I will think about it. There is a small amount of guilt attached to the thoughts, because at some level something is threatening to make my thoughts a reality, even though I know it has no actual power to do so. I've never been too concerned about my state after her death. I mean, I'll be very upset. Is it because I've lost a link in this world? I have no perception of other worlds.

I would lose such an ally - my mother is always in my corner. She is always looking out for me and willing to go out of her way, and I know that when all other lights go out, she will be there to absorb the darkness. I would lose one such person, and that would suck, but that's not why I would be sad... would it?

Would it be because I have no other birth mother? Is it biological? What is the big deal about death? What does it say about my life if she were to die? Would I be telling my children that it was tragic that both my parents died so young? How should I even think about it?

I'm afraid that I wouldn't be sad though, that I would be proven to be some kind of monster that I could just accept it, mourn, and move on. I know I'm some kind of monster, but am I that kind? What if I could just deal with it better than most?

Is this desire enough?

If you are going to make a multi-display wallpaper, this is a perfect example of how to do it. It breaks nicely in the middle, and it's almost two separate wallpapers except that it is connected by theme and colour, and when you consider both together it does add more to the piece than apart.

Thanks to evilhomer for this awesome background. Follow this link to the full deviation.

Tag Team, back again

That quote really dates me, doesn't it? The other day I realized that I am actually 26. I've never given much thought to it, but somehow the act of mistakenly thinking that I was still 25, and then finding out I'm 26, now that I think about it, seemed to have triggered ill feelings towards my age. I'm not looking back in regret or anything like that, but twenty-six just has some negative energy attached to it.

The other thing you notice as you get older is that people around you start talking about their age. Mark commented on how songs on the radio remind him of his age, because he remembers when they first came out.

From January until now, and for the near future I've been in another World. Of Warcraft. I'm enjoying it even more this time around, partly because the expansion is amazing, partly because I'm actually getting to raid, but mostly because I've found some cool people to play with. When you can find a group of trusted people to go spelunking with, it makes all the difference!

"Keep looking a the bright side", but that just hurts my eyes

I often think of property or phenomenon, and then wonder if it's the same for other people. For example, I don't think much at all about my own birthday, safety, health, or any of that... but I really care about other peoples'. I'm sure it's some manifestation of a serious self-esteem issue, but at some level I know I think it's just more noble to care for others rather than yourself.

That's not to say that I spend all my time caring for others... or even most. It's just my frame of mind. I would not die to save myself, but almost anyone else? Sure. Also, I can't seem to display this desire for nobility in person... it seems easier to be difficult. Do I really desire it, then?

It's also a pretty handy shield at times. For example, if someone forgets my birthday, or does not come to a celebration of it, then I can deflect any hurt or resentment to the fact that it's just not important. And I can ask myself things like, "why should it be important to them?", and of course I have no answer, and that would be that. I also can't help but to ponder the meaning of such actions. It doesn't mean anything. Everyone falls the first time.

'Till the words flow like the pros

I know the trick to dealing with people. I say trick not because anyone should use this information to manipulate (although I'm sure people do), but a trick in the sense that it's not obvious. I guess it's more like a secret, although that word implies that people are actively trying to keep it hidden, and that's no good either. How much time do I spend analyzing the correct word for things? Ineffable.

Anyway, the secret is to acknowledge that this person that you're talking to has overcome some amount of trauma, in tact, and emerged better. I think, in some way, that at least most people want people to acknowledge that. They want people to know what kinds of horrors and difficulties they faced, and how they managed to come out of it a much smarter, wiser, or stronger person. And everyone has difficulties. I love to learn of the struggles of other people... maybe for this reason. It garners at least a modicum of respect when someone has struggled through something.

Linda may be coming home early. That will be fantastic. I feel a bit guilty that I hadn't written a letter to her like I was meaning to, or send her a postcard of Toronto for laughs. I'm dreaming up other schemes, but who knows what will happen to them. Her postcard put a smile on my face, as always.

Things seem to be ok... hockey has started and my heart bubbles with hope that the Leafs will win it all! Oh.. and Kyle Wellwood (AKA Frodo) will win the Hart and the Conn Smythe.

I'm writing "sharp and gifted", with my finger on the steam

I don't know who this guy is, but I hope he's pretty good!

Chris Ferguson 72 Poker Face, 9 Irritating, 76 Mathematical

Poker face - Tight and very difficult to read, probably known by your friends as being quiet and aloof. You'll use whatever props and techniques it takes to stop people understanding how you really feel. This is a real asset in a game of poker, but not a great virtue socially. Irritating - Not at all. Good company, not too loud, not too offensive. At a party you're not the centre of attention but you're chatty and always mingling. Your fellow players welcome you to the table for a pleasant chat, safe in the knowledge you're not going to send them over the edge in a fit of rage. Mathematical - Tight and conservative, you only like to play hands where you know you've got the edge on your opponents. You need to loosen up a bit and stop scaring the other players away when you bet. In summary - You'd probably make a great poker player. Try being a little more loose with your betting to improve your game even more. Your professional match - Chris "Jesus" Ferguson. Ferguson started playing at the age of 10 but didn't start playing in tournaments until he was 31. Since then he's amassed over $5,500,000 in winnings and has also scooped the game's most coveted prize, the World Series main event. He also has an unusual skill - he can chop fruit and veg by throwing playing cards at them.

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 57% on Poker Face You scored higher than 14% on Irritating You scored higher than 85% on Mathematical

Link: The Could You Be A Poker Player Test written by dennisnewark1 on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

That is just more bad news cause I'd really rather die

I've already worked 50 hours this week. Only 37.5 more hours to go. Poor Chris is also working these hours, except he also drives me home. I feel bad that he seems to have lost his DS... I hope it turns up.

On other fronts, Ellen should be coming home soon. I have not received an email from her... I can only assume that she has not found an appropriate internet cafe. Haven't received a postcard either... I think to myself: "if she doesn't send me one, what does it mean?"
It means nothing is new.

I always have these dreams in which I'm inappropriately naked. Usually I am hidden - under covers or something... rarely I dream I get on the bus without pants or something. It causes a lot of anxiety throughout what is supposed to be my resting period. Last night I dreamt that Mark and Linda were visiting, and we were watching TV and I went under covers. Some time later, when I wanted to get up and get a drink or something, I realized that I no longer had my shorts on. I figured I must've taken them off as soon as I was covered by the blanket, but I couldn't figure out why I left my shorts on the other side of the couch. So I tried to casually walk over (keeping covered), and retrieved them. The rush was embarassment woke me up a little but I didn't dream of their reactions - there was too much focus on my own problems and avoided their gazes.

Baa Baa, Black Sheep

I feel distant. I didn't really have a chance to analyze it when I was seeing both Mark and Chris everyday, but it had burrowed itself inside a little cache somewhere within my being and insidiously taken over. For now I can hide from it with DVR looming so large at work, but I know that even talking to Ellen before she left, and seeing Linda again for the first time in a long while did little to diminish it.

Will it get worse now that Mark is in the Petes and Ellen visiting China for the month? It's this weird sensation... I don't feel connected to anyone (except Nads of course, we are always bound). I feel like other people are weaving their webs, carefully avoiding me, and I am unable to weave my own. I go around happily, and like everything else, I am able to forget it most of the time, but it's there. It is pinning itself to every activity - just a tiny little post-it note to remind me that either I am elsewhere or everyone else is.

But no, it's better to face these kinds of things

I wonder what the human fascination with lists is. Letterman, Sportscentre, music stations, online stores... everything has lists. It's like an ordered enumeration gives us... comfort? No. Something to discuss and contradict. They're easy to digest. There is some minor element of suspense. They let us in on another point of view.

I've had many great moments involving food, but the I've had very few experiences where the food was the defining element of the occassion. I've never had a great relationship with food... I don't really snack, I often just plain forget to eat even in the middle of eating, and I can resist hunger (maybe I'd do well as a vampire?). My top five food moments:

5. 1 pound of chicken wings from Wing Machine (90s?): For some reason, I remember this, because it was just so much food and I only finished half of it. It wasn't particularly amazing, but it was... plentiful. Partly though I think it's because this was a meal I ordered solely for myself and I would never do that otherwise.

4. Whole crab $8.99 (2004-ish): For my birthday, Keith took me to the special they had on green onion crab at a chinese restaurant. A whole crab to myself! I was in heaven.

3. Alaskan King Crab @ Fish House (90s): My mom was there, maybe her boyfriend, but I remember the crab came in these steel buckets. It was so delicious, and I think crab became my favourite food at this meal.

2. Live lobster in Vancouver (95-ish): This traumatizing meal is brought to you by Japanese people. I don't know which of my mother's sick friends ordered this, but I remember one of the aunties saw that the lobster, freshly chopped up into sections, was still moving, and proceeded to ask everyone to close their eyes and pray. I just kept staring in horror at the tentacles waving in the air, the legs slowly undulating. Even after the prayer, it was still moving, though with less enthusiasm. Even worse, it was the most delicious lobster I've ever tasted.

1. Crab legs extravaganza (2005): For my birthday, Nads made be like a billion curried crab legs. I had nothing but crab for like 2 meals! Just thinking about it makes my mouth water and my stomach feel full of crab meat.

The funny thing that I just realized last night (when I had crab with my godmother) is that I'm probably a tiny bit allergic to crab. There's always a semi-itchy feeling in the back of my throat after I eat it. But it's *so* worth it. Soft shell crabs, curried crabs, crab crabs... bacon wrapped crabs, baked crabs, boiled crabs... mmmm!

Zombies win "thriller" in SO

Last night, Dany Heatley netted his first goal as a Zombie in a 4-3 shootout win over their conference rivals the San Jose Sharks. You could not tell that the goal won't count on the statistics though.

"I just carried some speed into the zone and shot it as hard as I could," Heatley explained modestly. "I got a bit lucky."

The skilled 26 year-old winger joined the Zombies in a blockbuster trade that saw Sergei Samsonov, who had only played two games with the team, head the other way. The move was the last of a series of roster-shattering moves that surprised many hockey fans.

"I thought we were done when we got rid of Thornton and acquired Satan, but apparently management had some other demonic plans in mind," laughed Wes Craven (maniacally).

The Zombies had sent the oldest member of the FNG line, Jason Spezza, and the Offensive Dynamo, Nick Shultz, to the Penguins in return for the big centre, but promptly made a three-way trade to acquire the players back.

"It's nice to be a Zombie again. Less thinking," jokes Spezza in a light practice yesterday. "I was really getting attached to Moncton and I hope to never leave again."

Team co-captain Patrick Marleau looks to rejoin his teammates sometime this week after being mauled in the ankle by linemate Iginla. "I heard the whistle but I guess Iggy was just caught up in a bloodlust. The next thing I knew I was out 2-4 weeks."

"I don't know what happened," Iginla protests guiltily. "I swear I didn't do anything."

The injury-ridden zombies will be missing their top two centres next game, as well as Iginla. Coach Craven suspects foul play. "Some of our rivals may have employed some clerics to rebuke or command us. I hope the league investigates."

I think we're alone here, you and I

Here I am again; in my space. Why do I not document my life as diligently as I used to? I know it wasn't that frequent before, but now I almost avoid it. What brings me here now?

Sometimes I think of something to write here... something clever or witty I wished to record. But then, when I get a chance to do it, when I literally think, "I should blog about that right now", some insidious advisor convinces me otherwise.

There is a growing worry inside of me that i'm becoming a bit of an ass. I always mean to do or say things jokingly, but I should seize the opportunities to do nice things. One of the most effective ways to tell who you are is to look back upon the decisions you've made or the actions you took, pretend someone else did those things, and then ask what kind of person you think this phantom reflection is. Most people start the other way, from the inside, but it leaves room for self-deception. I mean, this process allows for self-deception as well, as any process that only involves the self will permit, but it provides an accurate compass.

She's just someone's favourite daughter

I don't know why, but my annoyance at the sheer reactivity and incompetence at work is growing. Often growing to levels at which I find myself complaining, which I usually never do. My department isn't so bad, but the rest of the company seems to just be content until something goes hideously wrong.

On the other hand, the project I'm currently working on is very exciting. Fun with Swing!

We celebrated Chris' birthday last weekend. It was good times, and most of us got him board games. Power Grid, Ra, Hacienda... Linda got him a shirt. I'm feeling quite cruddy that I basically forced a ride from Chris today. Being a leech taxes on your karma, maybe. I'm very oblivious to my karma, usually. I wish I had some money to do nice things for people who help me out more frequently. I mean, with Linda I can write a letter, or do crazy things like make a fake monster manual for her. But you can't do that kind of stuff with *guys*.

I need to get back to writing.

She has the smoke in her eyes

Linda's housewarming last night was an interesting event for me. I have not been in a social situation with a large number of people unknown to me in quite a while. There were some cool people there, and some who were not so cool. I think the weirdest moment of the night must've been talking with Linda's other roleplaying group. The GM was clearly very intelligent. However, after discovering that I had known Linda for 11 years, they (the GM and some player guy) started talking to me about Linda's boobs!

The conversation went something like:

Me: Yeah, we know you as the "group she dresses up for" (I go on to explain the story)
GM: Back when we still knew her as the "token girl player", she once wore a really distracting sweater. I couldn't get the attention of my players (poor summary).
Me (thinking maybe it was bright pink or something like that): What do you mean?
GM: How do I put this? It showed off certain of her good qualities.
Me (stubborn): I don't get it.
GM: , help me out here... She's well endowed, etc.

Do people talk to you about your sister's breasts at her housewarming party? I didn't know if I should punch him or what, but it really weirded me out. I didn't talk to the GM again for the rest of the evening after I managed to exit the room.

I think Alex and Elan were pretty cool, though. I didn't get all that drunk once again... I've developed this stopping mechanism that I never had before. Chris seemed to be the biggest hit at the party out of the three of us. I told him unconsciousness would get him all the fly honies, but I guess I was wrong. Molly likes to stare at herself in the mirror.

and mary mcgregor, she was a pretty whore

I didn't get as drunk as I expected last night. I wasn't even that tired when I got home at around 4 in the morning. I woke up early this morning, despite protest from my sagging and dry ocular orbs. But it was a good St. Patrick's night. Mark, Tim, Linda, Chris and I did nothing but sit around and talk (with a bit of Kevin Smith at the end), but it was still fantastic.

There is a lot to catch up on, but my memory is shaky. The usual and easy thing would probably be to document the events and my impressions of them in chronological order, but I sometimes like making games of things so I'm going to try to record them by person (not sorted).

Nads: Still searching for a job. I pray she finds one soon. I've been impressed with her exercise regimen recently although she broke from it two nights ago (with good cause). Things have been spectacular at home and I am often worried about our future.

Linda: I was really glad to see her again two weeks ago. We had not seen each other, had not even a palaver for two months. The sundering of our roleplaying group tends to do that... often I had thought that roleplaying was the only reason we were still hanging out. Many other dark thoughts, such as Tim doesn't like me, vied for attention in my crowded mind (that may be true). Beyond my fears of inadequacy, though, I was just plain elated to talk with her again. And she gave me an awesome top that lights up. It's an office crowd-pleaser. I remember the night ended with Tim and Linda ditching us for some of her other friends and a dark rave of some sort, but I can understand. From her LJ, Tim's friends seem to adore her. I'm really glad that's turning out for Tim as well... it's tough to have a significant other that doesn't get along with your friends.

Their trip to Orlando sounded like a blast. The Universal theme park there sounded amazing! All the rides they described were very creative. And Linda got me a shot glass of the Dueling Dragons ride (it has my name on it).

From our conversation last night, her work situation is deteriorating. I wish the best for her, whether that be schooling (cognitive science sounds neat) or pursuing a new career (although she's convinced she's gone as far as she could without a degree). My attempts to encourage her may seem like unnecessary pressure though, and I know she dislikes being asked about progress on things of that nature.

Mark and Chris: They are both working with me now, and it fulfills me, though not to the degree I would expect. Ever since the teenage years, one of my desires was to work together with the gang to complete some kind of project. Whether it was the Toronto Gaming page or just something completely wacky, I wanted to finish something. We never had it in us though. Having Chris and Mark at work are great. We play board games at lunch, it's convenient for us to hang out after work, and I finally get to witness the results of the application of their bright intellects. Chris has already come up with some great algorithms and Mark, despite only having worked a couple of days, is setting up some AJAX coolness. It's still not a project that's born of our own co-operation, though, and that may be what's missing. No matter what, we're still working for someone else.

It was completely fine with Chris because I still haven't known him that long, but it's a little weirder with Mark. What would I say to him in a one on one meeting? It must be weird for them too, to be working under your friend. I personally would be glad to work for a friend, I think... but I just like being around my friends, regardless of environment and circumstance. Is it hard to work for someone you know to be your intellectual inferior?

Ellen: Ellen and I have weird blurts of conversation. We'll randomly talk to each other, randomly stop (perhaps purposefully). We won't see each other for months, and then sometimes gather in consecutive months. She's already tired of her new job, and rightfully so. In some ways she is the most predictable friend I have, but I still feel like I cannot read her. Maybe I just do not want to interpret her true nature. Maybe I should take the cognitive science program.

Like satellites with laser beams from above

These things are really cool. Please fill them out, although of course I am way more interested in the Nohari. I promise I won't take it personally.

Diss me up... and then Praise me!

I've come down with Olympic fever again. I'm so proud of the under-sponsored athletes who have to work at Walmart to make ends meet. Also, our men's hockey team is pretty much busted and I predict gold (even though it won't be as easy as last time at Salt Lake City).

Working with Chris is tons of fun. Even though I have been really busy we still play a board game at lunch. Mike is in on it too now, which is really cool. Peter is not so keen on the different board games but he seems to like Samurai. I don't really understand why he is so quick to judge and dumb down everything other than chess.

I am in an unhappy place right now. With Nads jobless again my heart falls a little bit every time I look at my bank balances. She says she's going to start looking in March, that she wants the month off, but really, which adult gets a whole month off? Plus it's almost guaranteed that she'll also waste March since I doubt there will be a job just waiting for her. She has these grand (and wonderful) aspirations about a family and opening her spa (which sounds really cool), but I just don't see how we're going to get her there. I should get around to posting for some part-time work. I think I can help people with resumes and interviewing skills. I really just want to help people for free, though... and I often think that if a stranger was in a bad situation and asked me to do it then I'd help them anyway. But then, my true reservations are that no one will want my help anyway. I mean, what do I really know, you know?

Make me laugh. Say you know what you want.

Stand up for Canada. Bow to the States.

That was the complete Conservative slogan. I think any rational Canadian understands that a large part of the Canadian identity is that we are not American. And we are on the path to losing that part of identity. As terrible as it may be to define yourself as not someone else, at least it was ours.

Whatever a minority may not accomplish, the fact is that Canada would rather lose their identity and risk external abuse and direction rather than suffering some abuse from within. It shows me that our country doesn't have the will to say, "we'd rather die than join you." How do we vote in a man who apologized on our behalf for not invading Iraq? That, to me, is a much larger betrayal than the fact that Martin set up some foreign companies. Harper wasn't even Prime Minister yet. He had no right to speak for Canadians. But who knows, maybe there is majority support for the war in Iraq in Canada.

I watched an interview with one of the Conservative winners, and he said that he felt people responded to their positive campaign. Which fucking campaign was he in? I haven't seen one commercial that did not mention the corrupt Liberals. There would be more positives in HIV tests given to virgins.

There is some anger in me. I am partly angry at the west, who could so wholeheartedly support the Reform party. I am angry at the Bloq, because their party is based on the most ridiculous proposition, and they are taking valuable Liberal seats. But I'm mostly just... sad. I had such faith that Canada would make the right choice.

How many fates turn around in the overtime?

In rank order. If there is a tie, it’s up to you to decide.


LIBERAL PARTY OF CANADA
7 of your answers match the ideas of this party: health care, employment insurance, taxes, education, relations with provinces, gun control, environment .


BLOC QUÉBÉCOIS
2 of your answers match the ideas of this party: national defence, international aid .


NEW DEMOCRATIC PARTY
2 of your answers match the ideas of this party: early childhood, parliamentary reform .


CONSERVATIVE PARTY OF CANADA
1 of your answers match the ideas of this party: economy .

Peel out the watchword just peel out the watchword

My dream last night, at one point, involved people who were dressed up as superheroes playing hockey against robots. They were very serious about pretending to be the superheroes, so the Superman lookalike was skating around in the Superman flying pose.

Nads got a trial at a spa tomorrow. I will be the happiest dude in the world if she gets this gig.