I'm not evil, just weak

Are you gonna be my girl?

2009-03-27T09:17:00.002-04:00

I can take a whole lot of mistreatment from people, and my faith in our friendship will remain unshaken. Maybe it's because I'm used to rejection and feeling bad, and partly it's because I know that I've likely mistreated them in the past, but recently I've discovered that my faith is not limitless like I had thought. Or maybe I knew this before, but had forgotten. Either way, I've been reminded.

There has always been a huge gap between me and pretty much everyone I know. I keep all details about me, from mundane to personal, close, like they were dimensional secrets that would unravel time and space if discovered. This is because I feel that no one really cares to know, but also because I feel that the more people know about me, the less they'll like me.

So I really wonder how much my friends - even the gang - know me. I reveal pieces of myself, and sometimes they are risky and dangerous pieces like when I wrote them little heartfelt letters before my wedding, but mostly it's inconsequential stuff. But they've been around so long that they've seen me with my guard down, I guess. And I still feel shy around them when I haven't seen them for a while. The other day when I saw Jen for the first time in about half a year, I could barely stumble out a “hi” before hiding behind a kitty. I lose the ability to relate to people pretty quickly, I guess.

And they are aloof also, and as aloof as they are, I for some reason believe that they care and that I could count on them if I needed help (this one doesn't require much faith – my friends are awesome), or if I needed to talk. There was a period when Linda and I didn't speak or see each other for over a year, and still, I believe she cares. She shows it in many different ways. Recently Richard and Chris had been getting together without even inviting me, but that bugged me only a little. Somehow, I did not go emo over that. Mark ignores about half the things I say, but I've gotten used to it. I wonder how they did this, get underneath my damage in such a way that I don't really worry about it anymore.

But if I tell you I am upset and I want to talk, and you not only treat it as if it's unimportant for weeks, and moreover just stop talking to me and push me away, my faith breaks. I guess it is some basic expectation of friendship, that if a friend comes to you and says, “I'm terribly sad and upset. Please set aside some time to talk with me,” that the only response possible – if you are indeed friends – is “yes, let me set aside some time tonight [or tomorrow night] so that we can talk in private [with my full attention]”. Not “no [you are not worth my time] [i'm sure it's not that important] [i'd rather do almost anything else] [we are not friends]” (bracketed statements are implied). Also, not “yes”, and then not tell me when you are free, hoping I don't notice, and ignore it for a week.

The problem is compounded because I will rarely, if ever, even admit that I'm sad or upset. So if I tell you that I need to talk, it's because both that I trust that you care to listen and also because I'm in serious trouble. Maybe I'm just really fragile about this, but I take care to make my friends feel important (or I hope I do) and I ensure they know that I am there to listen, will set aside time to listen, and will put off plans to listen if they need it. I can't stand the thought of them having doubts about that, and not coming to me when they need help.

So my heart breaks, and I'll agonize about it forever, and whenever it comes up in my mind I will think, “why didn't so and so care? What is wrong with me?” And even then, our friendship isn't truly over. It would take a herculean effort, but my faith can be gained again. But I will have hurt so deeply at that point that it would take a lot of care. And to be honest, I'm not worth that much effort. I'm not that special that you should seek to ease my pain, nor should you desire my friendship. I have no special skills to offer and I have nothing unique to give.

And so that's how it ends.

We'll crucify the insincere tonight

2009-03-10T09:44:00.000-04:00

I am in a wretchedly emo segment of my life. Beware, all those who stand in my way, though it'll be mostly just me, and poor, poor Nads.

Something to understand about me: I will never feel like I am worth someone's time or effort. Even if this person is a salesperson at a shoe store, I feel embarrassed that someone should help me when I deserve nothing. It takes a long, long time to convince me that a person actually cares and wants to help (when it's more than business), and even after that it's very easy, and nearly unavoidable, to break that trust again. I require an awful lot of care and effort.

This behaviour extends online, too. I will try to give gold to people who are helping me, even though I've helped them in the past and in all likelihood owe me a bit of help (but I don't keep track). But I guess that's only with people I like... most of the people on the internet are pretty dreadful.

I wonder what it says about me that I can't really keep acquaintances. If I don't love you in some way, there's pretty much no chance of us keeping contact. I tire of, and fear, transactional relationships. Surround myself with a fence of deep and meaningful relationships, that's the dream. And I can't see outside the fence. I don't want to. I can't think of a single person from any institution or company I've been with that I keep contact with on even an occasional basis, and there is nothing against them. Perhaps if situations were different and different aspects about them were exposed, we would be friends.

Can you be friends with someone and not really want to spend much time with them? Anyone who has bothered to ask knows that if I had infinite money, I would build a luxurious loft/condo complex so that all my friends and I can live on a separate story, with come common facilities where we can do things together. I want them close, and I want to take care of a large portion of their needs. I want to help them fulfill their dreams. I don't think I'd ever pay for everything though, because life starts to become meaningless at some point, doesn't it? Having to pay for things keeps us grounded, and keeps our minds on the sad realities of the world. As I think this I imagine myself lying down on some grassy earth, with my ear to the ground, listening.

I feel myself withdrawing, and I know that I am breaking beyond repair. I am sad every time I have a chance to think. And even though I know my life is pretty good, I can't let go of the problems that beset me. Maybe I'm just spoiled, even though I'm more than thankful for everything and everyone I have.

I want to record this nightmare from the other night in case I forget it. It was really short. Nev was talking to me about something online and I was really tired so I kept dozing off. She was slightly miffed and eventually I just had to log off and go to sleep. However, when I tried to get to sleep, I had to go to the bathroom. At nights I use the bathroom outside so that I don't disturb Jas. As I neared the door to the bathroom, I heard that the tv was on in the living room and wonder why Nads left it on. But it could wait until after, and suddenly I felt this evil, malicious presence. I tried to brush it off and reach for the light switch to the bathroom, but something was holding onto my sleeve and not letting me move. I became really scared and tried to walk back into my bedroom, but I was paralyzed, and not by fear, although it was consuming me at this point. With all my willpower I tried to cry for Nads to help, but only small and intelligible sounds came out. In the real, waking world, however, I made loud unintelligible sounds and I wasn't paralyzed. I was kicking around, and just as the overwhelming fear was about to give me a heart attack, Nads woke me up. My heart raced for many minutes, and slowly came the awful realization that I needed to go to the bathroom. I managed to muster up the courage and go after a few minutes, but I quietly cursed my subconscious. I wasn't in tears like when I had my worst nightmare ever, but I was really, really scared and it took me a very long time to calm down.

The next chapter involves the Watchmen. There are spoilers here, so if you haven't read the book or if you haven't watched the movie, you should skip this section. It is very true to the graphic novel, and for this reason I highly recommend reading the book before seeing the movie. I felt like some of the scenes would not interest anyone who did not read or maybe even enjoy the book. Rorshach translated surprisingly well to screen even with the broken sentence structure. He was a complete badass, and I thank Mr. Haley for doing my favourite character justice. Overall the movie was good, so I'll just cover the three problems I had with it:

It was often overdramatized. Slow motion felt a bit abused at times, even though I realize this is supposed to be the style of the movie, it was a bit jarring at some points. I found myself wondering if they really needed slow motion for that particular shot. Anyway, this was not a big deal in any way.

I felt the way Laurie Jupiter (Silk Spectre) discovers the identity of her father was completely forced (and dumbed down) and I did not feel the way I did when I read the novel. They also didn't spend a lot of time developing or showing Laurie's hatred for the Comedian, so it was hard to understand why she was so upset. Finally, I could have sworn I didn't actually see any tears.

But the thing that bothered me the most was Dan's (Nite Owl) stupid little outburst and lashing out at Adrian Veidt (Ozymandias) after Rorshach is killed. Not only was this defeating the point of Dan's character (he's supposed to be helpless in the face of the events, even though he is a masked hero with all these super gadgets), but even moreso than that, he very clearly tells us that what Adrian did is wrong. That really violates one of the things that makes Watchmen great, which is the ambiguity of ethics and the weird morality that exists through the entire novel and culminates with the destruction of millions to save billions. Was what Adrian did right or wrong? That is the question that the Watchmen asks of us, and Dan's little didactic tirade takes that question away.

Otherwise, the movie was good. The score was a compilation of fairly popular tunes, and I felt they might have been chosen for popularity rather than suitability, but I'm no music critic so I'm not really sure if you can count on my opinion on this. The action was visceral and brutal, and the nudity did not feel gratuitous or unnecessary. I'll watch it again.

I guess I should stop rambling. Needless to say I feel like crap. As only when someone you care about tells you “you're not worth the effort” can make you feel.

These are the things I could do without

2009-02-22T19:38:00.008-05:00

Lily was never the perfect student. Sometimes traffic accidents and weather conditions would prevent her from reaching school, and dogs would occasionally eat her homework. She had made, as her New Year's resolution, a vow to try to be a good student, but today was harder than most. Her eyes closed for an extended blink once again.

She heard about the apiaceae and the convolvulvaceae, and it's not that she wasn't interested in the topic (botany was an elective for her after all), but she didn't sleep very well last night. Her roommates were partying hard and, being the responsible student that she was committed to being, she stayed in her room and tried to sleep.

With the energy she gained from the seconds long nap, she managed to prop open her eyes again. She decided to try different techniques to stay awake. The first method she tried was to survey her classmates. The girl in front of her was wearing a blue ribbon in her hair, and it looked good, despite her red hair. She seemed to be drawing bunnies in her notebook, and the only actual note she took so far was the date. Next, she stole a look at the guy beside her, hoping that he wasn't looking at the time and that if he was, he did not get the wrong idea. She just wanted to look at the man that smelled a bit like a dirty wet towel, and then never sit beside, or near, or in the same universe as him again.

The professor was a tall man and endearingly passionate about plants. Lily often pondered what his house is like – if it had vines snaking across all the walls and furniture, if it had every colour you could find in nature, and if it contained the plant from Little Shop of Horrors. He would probably feed it, Lily mused, but not for power or a girl, but because he couldn't let a plant die. She imagined him singing to it: “Please grow for meeeeee!”

There's a guy with indistinnct black...

When Lily regained her vision again, she was determined to keep it this time by singing songs in her head. The first one that came to mind was a slow ballad that she didn't know the name of, which was entirely her friend's fault for mislabelling the song when he gave it to her. Also, it was a very bad song to stay awake to. Blink.

Lily was startled to find herself as one of the only people in the classroom. It's like everyone had just vanished and were replaced with other students. I hate it when people are ridiculously early for their next class, she muttered, as she quickly packed up and gained a second wind going into her break.

This is my first attempt to get back into writing, so please forgive the poor quality. I wanted to do more with Lily's tendency to blame others for stuff.

Now I'm an amputee, goddamn you

2008-12-23T11:15:00.001-05:00

If it cost you a quarter to say goodnight every time, who would you still say goodnight to?

I love a long goodbye

2008-09-30T11:44:00.002-04:00

"The person who is savvy enough to want to have a good PC to upgrade their video card, is a person who is savvy enough to know [BitTorrent] to know all the elements so they can pirate software," says Bleszinski. "Therefore, high-end videogames are suffering very much on the PC."

Now, I'm as much of a Dude Huge fanboy as the next Gears of War fan, and I've been a fan of his work since the original Unreal Tournament, but this statement is pretty absurd. Let me begin by saying that I have no interest in a PC version of Gears of War 2. I already have it pre-ordered for the X360.

First of all, I'm not going to suggest that he be loyal to the platform that made Epic and him. Times have changed and the business model on the PC is tough, rough, and all kinds of bumpy. And let's also assume that his statement is true.

From Epic's standpoint, any venture that makes a net profit is probably worth getting into, right? So let's examine if Epic can in fact make a profit on porting Gears of War 2 for the PC. Since I don't have any real numbers, I'm only appealing to reasoning and what one might think to be the case.

The primary concern for Epic must be the opportunity cost involved with having their developers make the port. This is offset by the fact that ports are easy to make, so they could probably hire some small team (of possibly co-op students) or another small studio to do this for them.

The cost of developing a port is miniscule compared to developing the original game. Often it is "gravy" on an already baked cake (yay mixed metaphors). Now, I've explored the issue of DRM before (maybe I haven't here, I will later!), but companies are convinced of the faulty premise that people would be buying their game if it couldn't be pirated, which is false. But, suppose Epic puts in an online validation for whenever you wanted to play multiplayer online, which is a really unintrusive and sensible thing to do. They could even use a great platform like Steam to do it. So then people pirating the game would only be able to play the single player. Let's face it, if you're playing Gears for the single player, you're probably not buying the game anyway. It's not like the single player campaign or style is completely revolutionary.

So then, can Epic sell enough copies to make a profit on the port? Consider that Sins of a Solar Empire sold half a million copies without any DRM at all. I realize that the higher requirements puts Gears into a smaller market, but the X360 is 3 years old. I can't imagine many gamers out there don't have a PC more recent that 3 years old. Also, with graphic options that you can toggle, you can reach a wider audience. So, are you seriously telling me that you don't think Gears 2 is a more enticing (or better) game than Sins of a Solar Empire?

I understand the issue of piracy, especially for developers. I can understand that it might not be smart to make an entirely new game targetted for the PC. What I don't understand is this seeming crusade against profit just to spite pirates.

Sometimes that small difference can feel like an abyss

2008-09-17T04:51:00.001-04:00

I have a bad feeling about this...

It's hard to believe that I'm all alone

2008-08-12T09:35:00.005-04:00

PvP talents in a Raiding Environment (or, Suboptimal Raiding Efficiency)

I'm sure some people thought that I was being a big jerk just out to trample some feelings last night, but I assure you this is not the case. If I didn't care enough to point out a mistake in thinking, I would've just ignored the conversation and wrote it off as hopeless. Here I will attempt to put together a more neutral discussion on why one should not equip themselves with PvP talents, equipment, or anything else that is fairly suboptimal into endgame raiding. Let me point out that my opinion does not matter, and neither does my experience with endgame content, except that I have witnessed what works in TNR and what does not. I am trying to appeal to logic and principle, and hopefully you can see that I do not hold my views just because I take the game too seriously or that I'm a jerknose. I apologize for the long read and will try to make it concise and logical in flow.

Note: This post isn't entirely pointed at Nerse, even though she inspired it. There are points that I will mention that don't apply to her, and I will even take special note to mention where I think things apply to her. As little as I know about her, I have gathered some things about her in our brief interactions.

The Lost Ark - The Goals of Raiding

The priority of these goals vary from raid to raid, but as the priority of these goals of each individual raider will also vary, I tend to be fairly relaxed in the baseline minimum.

Progression and Loot

I think this is the primary goal of any raid, whether they admit to it or not. I have been in several guilds, and the lack of progression has been a sore spot in many of them. This is partly due to the fact that the lack of new experiences causes the game to stale, and then boredom sets in and weighs in against other factors of why we play the game (social, comfort, etc.) and that causes unrest. The other aspect is the satisfaction we all get from accomplishing something new. Even if it has been done by other guilds, it's nice to do it yourself and with your friends and fellow raiders. This goal is where the efficiency arguments detailed later comes into play, but this goal is interwined with:

Dependability and Loyalty

These are more requirements than an actual goal, but raids have good loot systems and raid leads are generous with their time at least partly because they expect raiders to be loyal to the people who gear them. When people join, get some loot, and then leave, this causes some ire because there is some loyalty expected. A raid needs to have people who are dependable for signing up and showing up to raids. On the other hand, we also expect class and raid leads to do their research and remain focused enough to do their jobs. There is a need for people to care about the raid as an entity of itself, or in other words a need for people to care. This social aspect of raiding is where people go from being bad players to bad people.

Note: I think Nerse cares and this isn't her problem.

Fun

This is a rather grey area and one where there is a lot of give. There is certainly a place for personal fun, but one needs to balance this against the wishes of the other 24 people in the raid. If the raid is 100% fun and cares nothing for progression, than this discussion is not for you. But I've seen even raids and guilds that “only” care about fun and let people spec and do whatever they want suffer lots of unhappiness and frustration because of the lack of progression. TNR is about as casual as a raiding PuG gets. We raid only 10 hours a week and we all manage to have fun despite some frustrations. If you do not have fun getting loot and progressing in content, then you must ask yourself why you are raiding. I will treat this subject more throughout this piece.

II. Mythbusters – Debunking Common Arguments Against Raiding Efficiency

Theorycrafting is a very... theoretical thing. It is very dangerous for everyone to think one way, and I always encourage discourse about what is the best spec, gear, rotation, and strategy. I think some things in this area are up for argument, but some are certainly not (such as PvP talents).

But I'm doing more damage/healing than the other guy!

This is one we heard from various people in the channel last night in defense of Nerse against Zalin. Though Zalin may not be able to execute his healing, but that doesn't mean his theory is unsound. The question isn't whether you outheal or outdamage the next person in your raid, the point is whether you are able to outheal or outdamage yourself in your current state. This is also an argument I heard from Sat (and possibly Mokaz) regarding Mokaz raiding as Marksmanship. Though Mokaz's other arguments and approach too the discussion was very acceptable and I respect him for that, this particular reason does not garner any validity. The fact that you can outdps the noobs in your raid means nothing. How do you compare against top guilds in WWS? That's the question that needs to be answered. The crux of what I'm getting at here is it is only fruitful to compare yourself against people who are doing better than you, not worse.

Note: For the record, Mokaz also pointed out that he didn't notice any increase when he switched to BM, although I am unsure of whether this is a gear issue or something? Either way, it's an example of how to argue raiding efficiency.

But it keeps me alive!

This is one that we heard from Nerse last night. And in order to debunk this, I only ask this one question: How do the other healers in your raid stay alive without those same PvP talents? You should ask them and learn from them. Anecdotes about how those talents “saved” you are not enough. I view these anecdotes in the same light as I view insurance and the lottery. The occasional and rare circumstance where they come in handy are not worth the overall efficiency. If you are dying a lot, then you're likely doing something wrong (not moving out of aoe, not being aware of your own health, not gearing quite enough stamina) or your raid is (tanks are not picking up all the adds). Find out from your fellow raiders what the reasons may be. Again, to tie it back into progression, you are slowing down the progression of all your fellow raiders because you can't be bothered to pay attention so that you won't be caught in a stun and have a need for those three points spent in a bad talent for PvE. On the other hand, in a really hard progression fight where you will need to max every ounce of healing/dps effiency and mana efficiency you can get (such as blood rage on Gurtogg for you guys, maybe), you can't get the output you need because you have points tied up elsewhere. Also, on a more personal level and as a note of irony, Nerse then complained about repeatedly dying in the raid last night. Also consider what happens when everyone is spec'cing into PvP talents. How far would you progress then when everyone is doing less dps and less healing than they should? What you are doing, at best, is being unfair, and at worst being completely uncaring to the goals of your raid.

People sighed at me when I made my “but it doesn't have resilience” comment, but I was making fun of this same argument. Resilience keeps you alive against crits.

Note: I will discuss the Blessed Recovery talent specifically later on.

But the game is about having fun!

This is rather a narrow and selfish view when considered seriously. Sure, the game itself is about having fun and ultimately you should have fun. But fun doesn't trump a basic set of principles and decency that people tend to forget in a virtual social environment (especially in a large group like raiding). If you are not having fun raiding with a spec that will help your raid progress, the respectable alternative isn't to do whatever the hell you want at the expense of the others in your raid, the alternative is to not raid. You personally need to balance your desire for loot against your need for fun and find that happy ground for yourself, but not at the expense of others. This principle applies even regular 5 mans. For example, it's not any fun and quite the hassle to run back to your corpse, but it's still decent of you to do it. In the end it doesn't even affect the bottom line. But you've wasted everyone's time.

By declaring this argument, you've basically stated that your fun is more important than other people's, and that their goals don't really matter in the light of you having fun. Way to go.

Note: I don't think this is Nerse's issue, I think she cares enough, just has some misguided logic behind her decisions.

It doesn't make a difference.

This is something I heard from Sat last night. Specifically, she said she could do ZA in a PvP spec, to which I countered with “do you have four chests on farm?” (TNR does, and they still won't let anyone go with PvP specs) Situations will crop up where your PvE spec could help, such as if you accidentally pull an extra group. TNR has BT on farm, and we are still disappointed when a night meets with rather minor setbacks (a good example is our really messy win versus the Council last night), because time lost is still a cost in progression (and like I said, we only have 10 hours a week). And also because we know we can do better.

And again, could you do ZA if everyone in your raid was PvP spec'ced? Why should they have to spec PvE and you be exempt?

Note: I know that Sat would never actually do ZA with her PvP spec. She pretends not to care too much about raiding efficiency, but I know she cares =]

III. Making an example out of Blessed Recovery

For those of you who don't know what Blessed Recovery does:

Rank 3: After being struck by a melee or ranged critical hit, heal 25% of the damage taken over 6 sec.

I should be able to rest my case after mentioning that mobs cannot crit with spells. This means that you in order for this to proc, you are being physically hit. There are two ways this is likely to happen, and both of them can either be fixed by the raid or the priest herself (yes, I'm talking to you Nerse). The most likely, from your anecdote last night about being stunned, is that you're making a mistake positionally. Offhand I can only think of the charging mobs (in which case you're standing too far away) and the stomping mobs (in which case you are standing too close) that stun with physical hits. The second reason you may be physically hit is that you're pulling aggro, and that usually indicates a big heal at the wrong time rather than a necessity for this talent, or that your tanks are failing.

The same argument goes for Blessed Resilience. On top of that, if you're crit by a mob, and then hit again, you are most likely already dead, regardless of this talent.

IV. Expectations

With all this said, there are some things I want to clarify about my expectations from my fellow raiders, and also, what they should expect from me. What you should expect from your fellow raiders and from yourself.

I expect them to care and respect other people's time. Even in TNR we have people who don't show up on time, who don't bring consumables, who don't have their gear enchanted or socketed properly, and this shows callousness.

I don't expect that you will know everything about your class and theorycrafting. I do expect that you will ask for advice and accept suggestions from those of your raid that do their research, however. Or ask an adult you trust.

I don't expect that people take their raids so seriously that it affects their real life. However, people should be communicative about why they're not participating (with the raid leads). Raiding is a commitment much like making a commitment to a recreational yet somewhat competitive sports team. It takes effort and stress to organize 25 people. Show that you're putting in effort too.

Conclusions

You are not being a jerk for holding people accountable to their raiding efficiency. I don't think you should be rude about it, but if people are pointing out that spec'cing Blessed Recovery is dumb, that doesn't mean they are a jerk. It means they care enough about the raid and that they think highly enough of you to think that you care about the raid too. It also means that they are (perhaps mistakenly) confident enough to give you that advice, and maybe you can convince them that they are wrong.

However, they can still do it in unacceptably jerky ways. Being outwardly a jerk isn't the only way you can be a jerk, though. You can still be as much a jerk by being an irresponsible raider.

What if I say I'm not just another

2008-07-31T09:15:00.002-04:00

Most days, you wake up okay. But what if one day, you don't wake up okay? Who can you turn to? Who can you tell? Would they understand that, you just woke up, and you're not okay, all right, or fine?

One thing about married life and having a kid: You are not allowed such indulgences. I imagine people would get annoyed and tell me that I have responsibilities to my family and my job, that it's adolescent and I need to just keep marching on, that it will pass.

What if we need to feel fundamentally wrong, sometimes? Like nothing is all right? And maybe sometimes we just need to lie in bed and feel it, get to know the darkness right when you wake, the time when things are new but they're not, when you have the whole day ahead of you but you know it won't be any better than the last.

And none of it may be true, but just sensing it and getting intimate with it may be necessary.

Colour me your colour, baby

2008-07-08T15:55:00.001-04:00

There's this dear body thing going around on Youtube, where people talk to their body. Well, I've decided to do this:

Dear Body,

I hate you. Go away.

find nothing but faith in nothing

2008-06-28T02:37:00.002-04:00

What does it mean to be understanding? What does anything mean... I don't know anymore.

I've given you sunshine, I've given you rain

2008-06-16T04:37:00.003-04:00

This is the second night in a row that I've woken up at around 04:30 and have been unable to go back to sleep. How do people function with so little sleep? I don't know how mothers do it. I pump myself full of tea in the daytime so that I can barely carry out the basic functions of a person.

I signed up for raiding Monday and Tuesday, knowing that I'll probably only be slotted one of these two days. This whole raiding business worries me a little... what if I let everyone down? But that's not why I'm up...

I sometimes wonder if the great historical figures ever felt the way I do about things. Did Abe Lincoln ever have an emo trip over one of his friendships? One of the strangest moments in my life happened the other week, when the entire pod was out having lunch (Irene may have been on vacation), and Richard divulged these facts about him and experiences he had that I had never heard before. I felt uncomfortable and false, sitting there, supposedly his closest friend, and yet not knowing any of the stories coming out of him. Revealing and somewhat shocking things I never knew. And here he was sharing it with three other podmates, and me. I felt like someone was going to find out that I didn't know these things and tell me that I'm not really his close friend, that I didn't even know these things about him. Right there, in the restaurant. While I was sitting beside him. I think I managed to contain my shame. That's not why I'm up, either...

It's funny, it also feels shameful to be sitting here, awake at 04:54, knowing you should be in bed. I know Nads would shoo me off to bed, and she is always worried about my sleep. And I fear that she will wake up and catch me like this... so pathetic and out of control.

I can't write, she's got all my inspiration

2008-06-12T23:57:00.003-04:00

The daily writing exercise, from C.M. Mayo. Does anyone know of any writing exercise of the day type deals?

I am reproducing some of this one cause it's obscure, please don't sue me Ms. Mayo, I'm just trying to write! The full exercise and more can be found here: http://www.cmmayo.com/d5mwearchives.june.html

In two sentences or less describe Fran. In two sentences or less describe her living room. In two sentences or less, very specifically put Fran in the livingroom. Then, Tina comes in and tries to help. In what way? What exactly does Tina do? And/ or say? How does Fran react?

Fran is a delicate woman living in a post-apocalyptic world. Her living room brings new meaning to the term "open concept". She is looking for her baby underneath the debris, where she had hidden him from the infanticidal sun earlier in the day. Tina, noticing her frantic searching, gets to searching as well, pushing away garbage and boxes. Wordlessly, she searches as if it were her own child. Fran takes cautious comfort in Tina's help, as babies are now the most precious resource in the world. She would do it for any other child.

you're nothing special until you turn out the lights

2008-06-09T23:11:00.004-04:00

A writing exercise not from jPod.

Despite the strange metallic shard of a meteor that seemed to still faintly glow, the clock that made a ghostly creak every time the minute hand budged, and shrunken head sitting on the glass cabinet, the suitcase in the middle of the room had John's attention.

It had been retrieved from the attic this morning. Papa Joe had sworn he had never seen the suitcase before, but John did not exactly trust his memory. What seemed really odd to John was that the suitcase had no dust on it. If this was a forensics show he'd refer to the entire suitcase as a big void in dust splatter. The possibilities raced in his mind.

Behind him, Meredith cautiously looked on. John studied her intently for a moment and knew she was thinking about the bloodied dreamcatcher of an Aztec god, or the coral gathered from around the Bermuda Triangle, and how none of them were as strange this suitcase. John could feel her trepidation. He could see her slightly damp hands holding each other, waiting for his instructions.

The suitcase itself wasn't the most unique case in the world, sitting in its ubiquitous black leathery skin and silver frame. But the way it was simply dumped into the attic...

John couldn't decide if he should open it. The unfamiliarity of the case scared him. He knew one thing though, he could not, under any circumstances, allow it to be opened in the house. He told Meredith to grab the keys and he picked up the rather light suitcase - alien technology? - and transported it to their minivan. They drove out to a canyon about sixty miles from their home, where once there was an archaeological dig site set up because some professor thought there would be fossils from the Missing Link buried in the area. The area had been empty for years after, as if the disappointment was too much for anyone to handle. Here, no one but John or Meredith could be harmed.

John dragged the suitcase to the edge of the canyon, in case he had to push it over. The dry heat was already making him sweat. He bent down and examined the lock carefully, trying to determine the best way to open it. He turned to Meredith to ask for the crowbar, but before he got a word out, she slammed into his chest. John reached out desperately but the momentum carried both him and the suitcase over the edge. The suitcase popped open and several sheets of paper flew out, and John couldn't make out the contents of any of them. He was also trying to remember if he had seen the red glow in Meredith's eyes at the moment of impact, if maybe it was the Aztec god he had brought so thoughtlessly into their home. And then, he could think no more.

You're born of a jackal! You're beautiful!

2008-06-02T21:09:00.003-04:00

It's funny how I perceive things so differently from other people. For example, my friends often think I'm at my meanest when I'm making fun of them or aspects of them that they find to be negative (in front of their face).

I will sometimes mock Chris' weight or about him ever having had one girlfriend or whatever. I agree that the jokes are quite brutal and they cut deep, but really, they are quite a compliment from me. By laughing about these things, what I'm really saying is "haha, let's laugh at these things that don't really matter, I like you how you are".

And that's really true of all my friends. I accept them exactly as they are. If they want to improve and change, that's great too and I support them, but I know all kinds of things about them and it doesn't matter to me. I like them anyway.

If I'm going to be someone else, I'd rather be someone else with you

2008-05-30T09:54:00.004-04:00

!! Collectible Developer G/C, out of box!!

Starting bid US $0.01
(approximately C $0.01)
End time: All too soon
Shipping Costs: See details
Ships to: Anywhere with a fast internet connection
Item location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
History: 0 bids
Payment methods: None of that hippie paper shit

Meet the Seller
Seller: Emo_Idealist (27)
Feedback: 20% Positive
Member: since 4-Oct-80 in Canada

Description
You are bidding AS IS on ONE used software developer in Good Condition. Original Packaging and manual is not included, but I'll throw in his crappy creative writing so that you know how to work him. No picture available as this developer refuses to take any because of his insecurity, and when he looks into the lens of the camera, he sees a distorted view of what he thinks the picture will look like and is overcome with unease. Packaged in business casual wear (short sleeve unironed shirt and khakis).

The only damage besides his eczema and a small faint scar on his chin is not visible and wholly emotional. Sure you could buy a cheaper developer from EBay India, and they will work harder, but all they would do is do whatever you tell them to do. This developer adapts to any environment and has become very Canadian after I found him at bargain prices in Hong Kong.

Remember, each developer is numbered 1 to 50,000,000 and after that, we’ll churn out more, so you best hurry if you don’t really understand technology but you expect computers to fix all the shitty little problems in your life. Thanks and good luck!

BID WITH CONFIDENCE. NO REFUNDS OR EXCHANGES.

Gears of War

2008-05-29T01:34:00.008-04:00

Gears of War
X360 - Epic - November 12, 2006
Microsoft Game Studios
Third Person, Shooter, Chainsaw
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Graphics	97
Sound	90
Gameplay	95
Encounter/Level Design	92
Dollar Value	CDN$60

At the time of writing, 28 hours have been put into the game, and probably will be spending many more until Gears 2.

There are a couple words that can sum up the Gears of War experience, and those are Guns and Chainsaws. I'm not talking about separately, either. Guns. Chainsaws. Together. Read that again. It's as awesome as it sounds.

Since my Tyrannical Overlords won't let me get away with using just a few words though, here is some extra analysis about the game, even though you should have stopped reading by now and have gone out and bought the game for the two reasons listed above.

For one, Gears of War has some of the best graphics of any console game still. I'm not saying that they were good for back then – they are actually quite good compared to games now. In some scenes you can see the pixels, and the view is annoyingly obstructed by your character sometimes, but in the end you appreciate the chunks of body parts splattering chaotically on the ground. Even little things are done right, so that it's worth it for you to put a chainsaw to an opponent even though it means imminent death after the lengthy animation. One element that might annoy gamers is that the camera jolts and shifts weirdly as you run. Though it is annoyingly ineffective at times, running hard while trying to do things like aiming and shooting big guns should probably be that difficult.

The sound bytes are both enjoyable and purposeful. In multiplayer, which is the majority of my experience, there are sound bytes to let you know when your teammate has been downed, when you or your teammate has hit the perfect reload, or when an enemy nearby is running or diving around. Getting a headshot in the story mode will reward you with sound bytes like “Sup, bitches!” The voice acting is fairly good and the banter that goes on amoung the members of your squad is quite superb, even though there is not enough of it. Other than that, the bad guys make scary noises, the guns make gun noises, and the random people on the internet make inane noises, so everything is as it should be.

The gameplay is where Gears really shines. I don't think I can play a shooter that doesn't have a decent cover system anymore. It just makes sense. Your options while in cover is like playing a strategic mini-game, and there are many skills you can master to help you become successful at the game. Though the story mode does get pretty hard on the harder difficulties, nothing compares to the strategic squad based multiplayer that also manages to get its fair share of action in. It is the perfect mix of action for the head shot junkies and the squad based strategy as found in the Rainbow Six games. I have been on teams with fairly skilled players and gotten crushed because of the lack of communication and strategy. On the other hand, I have downed the entire opposing team singlehandedly (I'd like to think this was because of some skill on my part). You really value your life, unlike most of the respawning shooters, and survival means you stick with your teammates. Combine these elements with the adrenaline pumping guns and chainsaws, and you have a fairly addictive multiplayer experience. Not since the original Unreal Tournament have I played such a compelling shooter.

The co-op mode is awesome as well. One thing you will learn about me is that I love co-op. I want to marry co-op and have its babies. Co-op is probably the best feature anyone can put in a game. Even in the other multiplayer modes, I like teamming up with my friends rather than competing against them. Co-op can make even mediocre games fun (hello, Marvel Ultimate Alliance!). There are some brilliant moments in the co-op story mode, such as trying to keep your partner in a spotlight as they run along a dark street.

The story is somewhat interesting if a bit cliche, and the characters are done well enough to keep interest in between killing aliens. The setting also does just enough to not seem like it was hacked together at the last minute. I carry some interest in the pasts of the main characters, but honestly, the story does not live up to the levels of awesome that make up the rest of the game.

Epic also has a history of supporting their games for a long while, and I can't exactly say I'm disappointed so far with the two map packs they've released and the patch that makes the Lancer (the standard machine gun that has the chainsaw attached) viable in multiplayer. I wish they would fix the grenade melee attack as a point of game balance, but that's about the only complaint I have in terms of gameplay.

Gears of War does almost everything just right, and I fully recommend that you try out the new release of the game that's coming out. Then join me as we salivate over the Gears of War 2 footage that has been released.

Don “I can't quit you Dom” Tam

If I had a funeral, would you even care?

2008-05-13T04:53:00.002-04:00

I don't know why I can't go back to sleep, but it sucks. It is now 04:54, and I have been awake for about half an hour. No, I've been awake longer than that, I just decided that it was pointless to try to get back to sleep half an hour ago.

A few things led to this. One, I'm crazy and obsessive and I am agonizing over either working on a crappy crappy laptop with XP on it or turning on UAC and jumping through various hoops on my regular laptop in order to do the current project for work (thanks Quickbooks, I hate you). Second, the temperature is just cold enough that I can't not have a cover (fun fact: I always need a cover to sleep, even if it's just a thin bed sheet) but using my regular cover means I overheat just very slightly after a while. Then, to really seal the deal when I was sleeping after making a decision about problem One, my dreams decided to take me to unhappy land.

I dreamed that Nads was dead. The details were hidden from me, and I could only feel sadness and pain. I imagined myself crumpled in the shower, convincing myself to survive for Jasmine's sake. I thought about how I was going to feed Jasmine, how I would get her to sleep without Nads around. Pictures jumped around in my mind and they painted a picture an artistic and tortured undead may paint, but thankfully I woke up before I started to actually cry. But at this point, I was wide awake and didn't want to go back to those dreams again, and kept my eyes open. And here I am.

Ya know, I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today

2008-04-19T19:10:00.004-04:00

Test your reaction time

Two interesting things I've discovered about myself through this game:

I seem to process and react to things in increments of .06. I'm not sure if this is normal, but my times for each shot were almost always .120, .180, or .240

I can get the sheep running along the top faster than I can along the bottom.

My high score is .18... I can't understand how people can get < .1 for the Turbo Charged Cheetah level.

I will be the one to make you crawl

2008-04-03T09:39:00.002-04:00

I'm so incredibly damaged. And as a result, paranoid. Whether those two facts have a relationship like cause and effect, I'm not sure. That's just who I am most of the time. Here is a process that I go through with people that I really like:

I will constantly be looking for signs or signals of how important I am in their life. Comparing things they do with me to other things they do, comparing myself to other people they know, comparing myself to other things, forever trying to place myself in some kind of ranking. And often, this paints a depressing picture for me. I often want to be more important to this person than I am. And every little thing that I observe hurts. But by this time I've already grown all attached, and now am in desperate need to adapt and scale down how I feel about this person (which is hard for me to do). And it's sad and depressing, because most likely I will have thought that I meant something. It's complicated.

Anyway, trying to scale back and trying to be less attached is hard to do without coming off as an asshole, and is made all the harder because I'm just in the emotional equivalent of a sewer. What makes it really tough too is that I can in no way discuss me with these people, because I don't feel I'm really worth discussing, and in addition, how embarassing is it to say “hey, I really like you, I wish to be really important to you, or maybe that's just the way you act even towards important people, or maybe now you just think I'm totally insane cause our relationship is not that deep.” Especially when it is already clear (see above) that I am not as significant as all that. Also, people really do have their own problems, and the last thing I want is for people to have to worry about how they're dealing with me.

So that step usually goes rather unsmoothly, and while I try really hard to restrain myself from running back like a puppy every time I see them, I choose complete silence, all the while hoping that they would notice, but even if they do, it just prolongs this process as I'm inserted back into the first step. And in the end, the net effect for me is this: I question why I should be important to this person at all, and the answer that always comes back is: You shouldn't, you dumb fuck. You're barely interesting enough to talk to. And the net effect for the other person? Probably nothing. And that's what saddens me the most, I guess. But still, I want them to be as happy as possible, so if I'm not really doing much in their life, what's the point of me sitting around being all emo about it and having them worry about me? It wouldn't make them happiest to have an extraneous person to worry about, it what I mean.

On another damaged point, I think maybe why I like finding out about the darkness and everything about other people, is that I feel such a disconnection with people due to my own psychosis.

Moral of the story: How fucked up am I? How far does my psychotic pit go? Discuss amoungst yourselves.

I like when you sleep, when you sleep next to me

2008-03-25T09:07:00.001-04:00

I had a weird nightmare last night... it was strangely continuous and fairly long. It had me in its grasp such that after I woke up to turn off my alarm, it dragged me back into its eerie embrace. It was one of those nightmares that affected you even after you're awake – even though I was half an hour later than my usual routine, I could not muster myself to move very quickly. I was stunned, still enthralled and contemplative, and as a result I still spaced out in the shower despite every intention of speeding through that comforting time trap.

It started with work. Except we were now located in a mall. And on this particular day, Irene wanted me to pick up roses for her from this store in the mall, and she had handed me an invoice from the store. I remember telling her that $24 was a bit expensive for roses, and she looked a little ashamed and said she liked the proximity of the store. I didn't push it further but I was curious as to why she was buying roses. Similarly, Mark, who doesn't work anywhere near me, also had two receipts for me to pick up some things in the mall. The work day went by, and there was a club inside the mall that we were going to go to after work. So Richard, Irene and I headed down there, and there was this other crowd of indeterminate extras that I was talking to as Richard was laying on the charm at the bar, and I was explaining to them how he's always charming like that and popular. Except currently he seemed a little drunk and no one was around him. He was working on some girl across the bar though. I was satisfied that he'd have a companion soon... and then I remembered about the errands I was supposed to run, and the mall was about to close. I ran across the mall (Irene told me to go in the wrong direction), and when I finally got to the flower shop, I realized I didn't have the receipt. So I ran back the short distance to the club to grab the receipts from the jacket, intending to grab Mark's stuff for him too.

And this is where it really began. I consider it some kind of miracle that I remember all the details before this, and they are all still very clear in my mind instead of the usual uncertainty that comes with remembering details of dreams.

I grabbed my jacket, and I noticed the various bouncers were ushering everyone out, except for a few people here and there. I overheard one of the bouncers tell Richard sarcastically “yeah, yeah, only the cool people get to stay”. I was one of the few that wasn't ushered out, and we were all directed to this theatre room. I remember being very shocked and confused as to why I was being chosen to stay, and I wanted to get out there and hang out with Richard but was too curious about what was about to happen here. On my way to the theatre room, I noticed that Snoop Dogg was one of the people heading there, and apparently I knew him in this dimension. He had a pocket on the arm of his jacket, and I unzipped it and searched in there for some clue of what's about to happen, since Snoop seemed to be the type of guy to be in the know. Nothing but some money and a bus token, and I handed him back all his materials and then I never saw him again for the rest of the dream.

In this theatre we sat for a short while and then we were herded onto a bus, and it started driving us into the countryside. The sides of the road looked golden, and I was suddenly reminded of jPod and (spoilers warning!) how Ethan got on this bus and he didn't know where it would take him and it could easily take him into a slavery at a sweat shop, and I started getting worried. Maybe this was where the nightmare seed was planted in my mind and the dream changed. I'm not too sure of how they work. Then Brad Pitt, who was the club proprietor, except he wasn't Brad Pitt, came on the bus P.A. System and announced that we were all going to die, and that we started thinking about our last wishes. As everyone around me were shocked and mildly freaking out, I began to seriously agonize over what my last wish would be. I thought about something that would maybe buy us some time, but I couldn't really get a hold of it. Then Pitt announced that first he was going to come around and break our knees with a baseball bat, and then he would come around to ask us the meaning of life, and if any of us answer 42 as some of us “must” do, we would be mutilated and tossed off the bus immediately. I was unfortunately sitting near the front of the bus, and I braced for the pain as he wound up his bat, but I knew I could not move or duck away or I would be killed. I imagined the pain I would be in moments from then, but instead, he turned around to harass a lady on the opposite side. A balding man in the first seat opposite me grabbed some rope and stealthily manuevered around Pitt. I thought to myself, maybe I should help him when he attacks (he forcefully put the rope around Pitt's neck like a garrotte at this point), and as I was getting up, Pitt twisted around quickly (I guess the balding man did not hold him tight enough) and stabbed him with a small corkscrew type thing. I sat down from shock and fear that he had seen me wanting to take action against him and would kill me next. Pitt stabbed the man a few more times in the neck for good measure and left him on the floor.

Pitt cleaned himself up at the front of the bus and as he walked past me to the back of the bus, he threw the corkscrew weapon into my lap. It was the size of my pinky, and I was curious as to why he handed me a weapon. He probably did see me half standing and was daring me to make a move. I gripped the weapon in a fist and remained calm and seated, wondering if I had failed the balding man and questioning whether I should have moved sooner.

There were ocassional scenes throughout this part that focused on these two eighteen year-olds who were somehow left behind in the club. They couldn't find a way out because the door was locked. They did not know each other before this crisis. Somehow I ended up back at the club. There was a clear slip in time and space that I'm not sure can really be explained. I checked the front door and found that it was a thin wooden door. I found the teens and scolded the male teen: “Surely you can break through a wood.” When the female pushed on the door it opened. It wasn't locked at all. At this point I was incensed but managed to keep my cool, knowing that I needed these teens to get help. So I showed them on an interactive map like you would find in WoW using Cartographer that happened to be on the wall by the door. According to the moving dots, the bus group seemed to be somewhere in Africa and moving rapidly east through Asia. I asked them to hurry and get help for the people there. At this point my mind asked why I couldn't leave, and it reasoned that Pitt must've threatened my family if I had left when I returned to the club.

The bus crew returned, with a few people missing, and there was entertainment. It was a sinister sort of entertainment, like a siren's song. One of Pitt's cronies was singing karaoke, and all his ladies were entertaining guests in the pool, which I stayed out of. No one bothered me, surprisingly, and I walked around the pool. The girls were drowning various people and I felt sorry for them. I thought of all the dead bodies in the pool. There was a girl who managed to surface, and the Pitt girl pretended nothing was going on and continued to be sweet and soothing, but the girl was irate and could not be soothed. When the song was done, a girl I used to know, Vivian, asked me to sing a song, but I told her to go ahead, that she had a better voice anyway, and she went into the booth. I felt some despair as to the helplessness of my situation and how sinister it was that there were all these dead bodies everywhere in broad daylight that was pouring in now from the newly revealed skylight. Yet I felt some relief that nothing has happened to me yet and that I still had hope that help would find us here instead of searching in Africa and through Asia as I had directed the teens. I wondered how Pitt got back from Africa so fast, and of course, the answer was that it was the same way I got back here so fast.

That's when I realized that my alarm had already alerted my it was time to wake up a while ago. Uh oh.

When it's cold outside, I've got the month of May

2008-03-20T10:12:00.002-04:00

Dear Ronald McDonald,

I heard that they made you take the beef juice out of your fries. I will be the first to say that that is a terrible shame for all of humanity. Even though your fries are still king in a saturated market, I for one will not sleep well knowing that there are some random and inedible cow parts we are not milking for their sweet juices to flavour your delicious potato product.

And you know what I like about you? Even though the Man stuck it to you, you’re still at the top. Sure, some people can provide “sales data” that may prove contrary to my claim, but as Homer Simpson once said: “facts, schmacts, you can use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true.”

I suppose I should tell you a bit about me, your perfect mate. I don’t enjoy long walks on the beach, as I imagine you don’t or your makeup would melt or make you uncomfortable in that hulking costume. Which brings me to a question: Do you have multiples of that same outfit or do you just wear that one all the time? Is that clown showerhead that’s much too low to wash your upper body able to cleanse out the lower parts? I suppose that’s two questions but... too bad!

Also as your perfect mate, you will have limited access to my various areas of expertise, none of which are useful in a survival-pragmatism sense. If they shut off all the computers in the world, I would die. Zombies would find me quivering in a corner, unable to comprehend an insensible world. My brain would not be all that tasty, I imagine, because I exercise it all the time as the scientists like to encourage you to do (maybe they’re onto something?). In another survival scenario, if they shut off all the computers, I would be completely extraneous and after the other survivors were done toying with enslaving me, they would dispose of me by churning me into a delectable smoothie (blenders don’t need software).

If any of what I just said sounds appealing to you, call me anytime. Just remember: I’ll put my beef juice on your fries anytime.

Bovinely yours,

Don.

Too long overdue, it's true, i'm out of control

2008-03-12T09:53:00.004-04:00

I've started reading JPod today. Microserfs is a great book and I loved it. It's hard not to like it as a Software Developer and a nerd at heart. It's like someone took the time to write about you, and about your quirks and about the way you think. So I'm really looking forward to this one, even though I don't work for a game company.

I will discuss the book in various posts, but I will always warn about spoilers. So here we go: SPOILERS BELOW.

Engineers aren't funny or cute or nerdy. They're damaged.

The older the culture is, the less cutesy it is about saying, "Well, you're a winner because you tried your best." Can you imagine a Chinese person saying that?

It's so easy to locate myself in this book that it feels a bit like cheating. The opening stream of consciousness section is entertaining, and gives that quality of intimacy. I was just discussing with Arwen yesterday how it's those little thoughts that create intimacy. Anyone can share general thoughts and big moments together, but it's the little thoughts and little moments, from being together all the time or sharing thoughts all the time that really... bond. Then, I guess I encourage certain people to tell me everything they're thinking, even the little thoughts, because I crave intimacy with them. I'm damaged.

This leads me to another musing I've had on and off for a while: the internet and connectivity of the world in general is trending society towards more diluted and shallow relationships. It has become a quantitative goal rather than qualitative. In the world of Facebook, it's no longer necessary to cultivate specific relationships. There is no need to be intimate with people. For example, it used to be that kids would hang out. They would hang out for the sake of hanging out, even if they had nothing to do and they were bored, they would be together and learn how to coexist in boring times. They'd try to entertain themselves with each other. Over the internet this will not happen. If I am "hanging out" or talking to someone online, you can guarantee that they are probably doing or thinking about something else. If things get boring they can just go play another game or talk to someone else. The lack of dependency causes a gap in the bonding process. I think this is why the gang is so strong. We were dependent on each other every weekend, and we got together for good or ill. And for my part, I try to recreate this over all my new friendships, and it's not working. No one needs or wants to be intimate with me. I have always preferred to be intimate and share my resources with a select few rather than get into the whole social acquaintances mess. What do I have now?

Now that I'm started, I guess I might as well express my increasing loneliness from not being able to hang out with my friends. Jas is terrific and great and really fantastically adorable, but going from hanging out with my friends every weekend to nothing is... impactful. They do not come to visit, some have not even asked to visit. Not that I have much to entertain them with my 20" CRT, but... I guess this goes back to my feelings above.

I feel like I've run out of gas and probably won't be doing the second quote justice. The statement infers that practicality wins out in the end. It's true that Chinese people would only laugh at you for failing, because success is everything in that culture (practical for a nation of over a billion people). And yet, they hold on to such crazy and impractical traditions and superstitions. It's one giant paradox wrapped in a mystery wrapped in an enigma.

I've got a Dungeon Master's Guide. I've got a twelve-sided die.

2008-03-11T10:01:00.003-04:00

There have been many amusing jokes and webcomics that have come out of Gary Gygax's death, including Richard saying "Are you sure he's not just at -2 hps?". This one I'll point out in particular, because I love when people apply things... cross-discipline, as it were:
Monster Manual: Politicians

Roleplaying has served a fairly role (pun optional) in my life. I miss it, and now I am paying my small tribute to the man who, in some way, introduced me to it. Sure, First Edition was a bit crazy, but it started something. Kind of like the first Dance Dance Revolution. I can only hope that he is smiling in the afterlife, knowing that he is still bringing laughter and entertainment in his death.

I finished "American Gods" this morning. I do not like it as much as the other Gaiman novels, but I still like it. It's well written and fairly entertaining. There is a weird sense of seriousness that you don't get with other Gaiman novels, though, like the sheer weight of the atmosphere is telling you to look for something. Maybe at another point in my life this would be my favourite Gaiman novel. I'm interested to hear what Jasmine will think of Gaiman novels. What stood out to me were the acknowledgments. An immense amount of work by very many people went into that book. For all you kids who think writing is just about sitting in front of a typewriter, think again. You need lots of help and a lot of experts. You need to go ask the police about police procedures, and become familiar with the subject matter. Try to experience the events, maybe. The task of writing a novel now seems gargantuan and very strange.

I hope you don't mind that I put down in words

2008-03-07T10:27:00.005-05:00

Jasmine is the most fantastic being ever in the history of creation. Even before creation. Nullness and void were looking into the future and discussing how wonderful a being Jas really is.

I realize every parent will claim this about their child. I don't care. There is also room for them to be right. I submit as proof, exhibit A:

I could gush about her forever, so I had better stop. But something feels so... right when she's snuggling into my neck when I burp her, or when she's listening to my heartbeat calmly.

Without you, it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces

2008-03-04T11:49:00.002-05:00

Another contemplative but not necessarily revealing post:

It seems impossible to extract how people really feel about other people, and therefore, about you.

That isn't as malicious as it sounds. Even when people try to be candid, there are just layers upon layers of filters and concerns that end up muddling the message. For example, some people think that the "real" feelings are negative, and won't believe the answer they're getting to be real unless it is negative. And then the respondent will subconsciously shift their answer into a more negative tone just to sound sincere. Also, there's always the concern of what will the audience feel or think if I say such things, which is always subconsciously working in our minds. Cocoons of thought, and all these little thoughts are in there, hidden so well.

I dream of the day that people can cut through that bullshit with me. I don't judge responses, I just really want to understand and know. When I ask a question, I am genuinely and sincerely interested in what you have to say. And the feeling that I won't know the whole and precise truth just causes this desire that seemingly can't be satisfied.

In your reflection, he lives in you

2008-03-03T16:40:00.004-05:00

Something in me is getting weary of online conversations. Does anyone talk just to talk to one person anymore? Is anyone interesting enough to completely hold someone's attention?

I've sat online just talking to one person doing nothing else, because I'm genuinely interested in these people. I assume I am not that interesting, and that makes me very sad.

(Nads doesn't count cause I talk to her face to face. I guess when you're face to face with someone they have no choice but to talk to you.)

Portal

2008-02-26T09:26:00.023-05:00

Portal
PC - Valve - October 9, 2007
Valve
First-Person, Puzzle, Steam, Valve, Portal, GLaDOS
Print Email
Click here to customize the way your overall score is calculated!

Graphics	90
Sound	98
Gameplay	92
Encounter/Level Design	89
Dollar Value	CDN$20

System Specs used in the review
At the time of writing, 4 hours have been put into the game.

What would you expect to be the best element in a First-Person Puzzler? The ingenious puzzle design? The clever learning curve and game mechanics? Play Portal and the answer may surprise you. The shining star of Portal isn't the graphics or gameplay, but the villain, GLaDOS.

Portal is available on its own or as part of the larger collection of Half Life 2 related games known as the Orange Box. It is available through the regular retail channels and Steam, and just to show you how much they like the game, Valve made the game a part of their flagship Half Life 2 universe. But, back to GLaDOS.

GLaDOS will creep you out a little as well as make you laugh. She's that type of girl. By the time you are finished with the game, you will remember her lines and her voice more than any of the 19 levels you played through to get to the ending. And believe me, you will remember the ending.

Don't get me wrong, all the other elements of the game are put together very well in order to create an immersive environment for GLaDOS to work her charm. The innovation of the game is admirable, as the portal gun makes you think with a different set of rules. Moreover, despite being essentially a puzzle game, the First-Person view actually allows for some intense action moments, such as desperately trying to find a solution before your platform runs into a wall that will knock you into a pool of acid. This blend of puzzle-action is fresh and actually makes the game quite accessible. The short levels will allow even casual gamers to step in and do a few levels at a time.

The puzzles in the game are also not that challenging, which should lend a hand in attracting a wider audience. However, this aspect was a little bit disappointing as I never really felt triumphant at any moment in the game, which should be the reward of story-based puzzle games. It did help the pace of the game and gets you to the ending faster though, so it's more of a lose-win situation.

The graphics are very clean and really does the job of making it look like a somewhat dilapidated futuristic training centre. As you go deeper into the Enrichment Centre you will notice broken things or dirty things and soon you get the eerie feeling you're not in Kansas anymore. There really isn't much to say about the graphics except to say that they are good but I've seen better.

The sound and music in the game are perfect. The voice acting is funny, touching, emotive and yet robotic and distant. I gave it an imperfect score only out of some sense that there is probably some technical element to the sound that I can't perceive but can be improved. Also, providing subtitles for the audio dialog is a fantastic option. I can't express how much I love subtitles.

The only major flaw from a "I have to pay money for this" perspective is the length of the game. If you are not interested in the achievements nor the bonus maps, you may be able to blow through this game in 3 hours. Yet, I still believe the experience is worth the full CDN$20. I recommend that everyone play this game, if only so that I can randomly send them quotes from GLaDOS and share a laugh.

If I believe I'm dreaming

2008-02-19T16:08:00.004-05:00

Two pieces of news on video games that i'd like to record:

Video Games as an Olympic Sport

and:

Video Games blamed for violence (again)

I have no more to say about videogame violence. People who believe what they read about this type of stuff are not necessarily stupid people. Surely, if you tell them that linking increasing youth violence to video games is like linking increasing violence throughout the century to refrigerators.

On another note, it's pretty cool that kids can soon (maybe) dream of being part of Team Canada's Video Game Relay. By no means do I think it should be an Olympic sport. Games should stick to game tournaments or leagues... video games have no more Olympic spirit in them than board games. But if it does happen... well, that's something.

I'm not an addict, maybe that's a lie

2008-01-25T09:53:00.000-05:00

This is the eve of the birth of baby Jasmine. I've already started referring to her as Jas in various communications, accepted as part of my forthcoming reality. There wasn't this shock of "zomg, i'm becoming a dad". Feelings like that do not really penetrate into my consciousness.

Instead, last night I was faced with a rather tough question that involved some introspection, as some tough questions do:

How much do I want Jas to be like me?

It is no secret that I am not my biggest fan. I feel that is justified, for I know much better people, and people who are better at everything, and... well, enough of that. The important thing is that, despite that, I think I do have some good qualities, and which of those do I want Jasmine to take on? But even beyond qualities, are there habits I want or do not want her to pick up? Let me consider.

Frugality: I think I'm pretty good with money. I do not spend a lot, and I value pretty much everything. I am not afraid of money problems and I can deal with them directly. I can be rather lax about money with my friends though. In this particular aspect, I think what would be best for Jas is if she does not gimp herself to save money like I do. She should enjoy her life to her full enjoyment, and let me be frugal for her to do so! But I would still like her to understand and be able to plan finances.

Pleasing People: Yes, I do try to please everyone and accommodate everyone. This has some advantages, as I never get into a mode that's way too selfish (at least, I think), but of course this means that I am pretty upset when I can't please someone. I'd probably want her to have a modicum of this, but I want her to be more sensible about it.

Technology: I'm pretty crippled without it. It's a weird feeling... I just don't like being offline. I never talk to people on the phone. I am comfortable with the layer of separation between me and the other party, so that if I start being boring, it is easy for them to ignore me. I certainly would not like Jasmine to inherit this. I want her to be tech-savvy and a cool gaming girl, but what I do is pretty unhealthy. I will not let the computer or a TV babysit her. I promise this.

At this point, I'm thinking this task is much larger than I originally thought. I probably have traits that I'm not even aware of. And I apologize now for passing down any that you dislike, Jas.

Shot through the heart

2008-01-24T09:23:00.000-05:00

Lyrics are a tricky thing. The simplest way to describe them would be poetry put to music, so I treat them with the same scrutiny that I do with poems. Of course, there is the one conditional component: the words and music can match so perfectly that it doesn't matter if the words count as good poetry.

So what makes a good poem? The most obvious trait would be that it is revealing. It grants you an epiphany, or it makes you think about something. Another criterion is to make you feel something, which is a very common goal in all kinds of art. But the hardest thing to master about writing good poetry, and the thing that makes it the most interesting, is simply this: Show, don't tell. If a song can't achieve this (most people are not good poets), then I will settle for some subtlety.

And in the very of spirit of showing, I will provide some examples of what I consider good lyrics and bad lyrics. Starting with the bad:

You drive me crazy
I just can't sleep
I'm so excited, I'm in too deep
Ohh...crazy, but it feels all right
Baby, thinkin' of you keeps me up all night

- "Crazy", Britney Spears

Why did I pick Ms. Spears? Because I like hollow victories. And kicking a girl when she's down. Also, her lyrics (as with most pop artists) suck. So what's wrong with these lyrics? They pound the emotion in your face. There's no detective work to be done. I feel A, I'm B, You do C to me. Done. Over. What else is there? It may make people feel something, but I have no idea. But all it does is tell me stuff.

Now for a good example:

I once knew a pair that used to fit very tight
But now a man standing tall in the wake of this night
His eyes are watering in anger at the thought of her sight
The scene of adultery sets the stage for his plight

- "People of the Sky", Sloan

Why did I pick Sloan? Cause they rock. Cause they are entertaining live. Oh, and they write good lyrics. In this opening verse alone, there are very many questions you could ask or scenarios you can wonder about. It gives you just enough information to entice you to listen further. What happened on this night? "Sets the stage for his plight" implies that the "scene of adultery" isn't his plight... what's next for this guy? It invokes more emotion than the Spears lyric, strangely enough, even though it's less personal as it's a third person account. This is due to the Showing: His eyes are watering in anger (he is not simply angry), and we know that what he has lost was once valuable (they used to fit very tight). Just the atmosphere set by the description "in the wake of this night" is interesting.

I understand that some people may actually like the Spears lyric better. But they'd be wrong. Or maybe you don't like the Sloan lyric. But comparing these two is like comparing raw teenage poetry and a masterpiece, because the difference to me is so glaring. Amateur poetry is often tough to read simply because they don't follow this principle. It becomes this session of hearing someone complain (and it's not someone you care about). I will leave off with another good (I think it's good anyway) example:

Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his chest now
He takes off her dress now

- "Mr. Brightside", The Killers

This time I chose a pretty mainstream song. It's a ridiculously rocking tune, but the lyrics make it even better. The interesting part of this verse is "and it's all in my head". How much of what he has said is in his head? Is it all made up? I think that the part that's in his head is after she leaves him, between lines two and three. Between lines. The very fact that it's making me literally read between the lines produces some enjoyment. Also, it would seem that if she is returning to this other man, then that makes the narrator "the other man"? The perspective of the other man is interesting to me, and I had never taken much time to consider that they may get jealous. Another interesting thing is that he imagines them being intimate the way they are (presumably) intimate - but can this other relationship be that great if she's sneaking off to see the narrator?

And really, this is what's great about the "show, don't tell" principle: other people can read these verses completely differently and have a different understanding of them. I love to hear other people's interpretations of literature. In the Spears lyric, there's not much to discuss and not much to wonder about, and that makes it very, very dull.

You say you want to go for a spin

2007-10-24T16:09:00.000-04:00

The lanes at every cash were packed. This is certainly no more than I deserve, Robert thought to himself as he desperately searched lane after lane for one that contained any slight advantage to the one he was already in. His eyes paused at the self-checkout lanes beside lane 1 and thought about the advantages of demonstrating his independence and competency, but decided against it. He didn't like the tone of the machine telling him to "Please Place Items in the Bag".

So he stood there, and as is inevitable to anyone in a supermarket line-up (he imagined), he glanced at a few tabloid headlines: "Britney's Visitation a Disaster", "TomKat Aiming for a Second", "Mary Kate's Cry for Help". I'm the one crying for help, he joked to himself miserably, which did comfort him a little but the feeling was too ephemeral to be of any real help. He dissected the word Disaster in his mind. Di-saster Disas-ter Dis-aster Disast-er. He mused over how a tabloid headline could make any word look aesthetically pleasing. An old lady is finished loading up her bags, and Robert took a careful step forward, savouring it because he knew another one wouldn't be coming for a while.

The man who was on deck but is now the batter, who was also obviously a father as well as a professional baseball shopper (the mysterious tenth position that is never mentioned), loaded up the conveyor belt with various diaper packages and foodstuffs. Robert let his mind wander again as a wellspring of misery threatened to consume him.

As his eyes started to glaze while browsing the colourful selection of candies, a unique "fusion" of many different fruits and flavours, somewhere in the world he was leaving, a light went on. He did not have an idea. This was an extra lane opening up. The gods have shone this light upon him.

Robert, growing up, was not the best at anything but quite above average in reflexes. He turned his cart and darted for the newly open lane. He raced his accelerating cart, trying not to have it go out of control or spill its contents and yet reach the now open lane with expediency. Perhaps he could be the first, or, being more realistic as he tends to like to be, second or third in line. He flexed his calves and asked his heart to pump more blood and pump it faster, he was quite far from his destination but maybe he could still reach his goal, and he is now jogging across the massive contingent of checkout lanes now, ever closer now, only a couple of people have noticed and lined up at this escape route, and if -

a jolting sensation and a loud clang caused him to stop and reel backwards. Various dairy, vegetable, meat and potato products flew for aisles in every direction, and several shoppers gasped at the collision, but were unwilling to leave their hard earned spots. The other market athlete, another young man in his twenties, seemed stunned as well, his cart toppled over by the force of the two carts crashing together. Robert looked at the open lane in panic. "Was there an open lane at all?" he wondered to himself, as he looked around bewildered from a sitting position on the supermarket floor. All he saw were lines of people forming one-way walls, and he was caught between two of them. The other man had gotten to his feet and offered him a hand. Still in disbelief that the open lane had vanished as soon as his eyes were off of it, Robert took the hand and raised himself to a standing position, instantly feeling less confused. Is that how kids always feel?

"Sorry buddy, I was trying to get into the open lane," the man said somewhat timidly.

"What open lane?"

"It's in the trees it's in the trees", it's not - it's inside me

2007-10-15T16:38:00.000-04:00

Today is Blog Action Day. I have a blog, although it is not often updated. So, two birds with one stone!

My topic is one that people will relate to, or they will be angered by, but at the very least they should be familiar with: Cigarette litter. Instead of going all macro about global warming and whatnot, I've decided to play small ball and focus on one of my pet peeves.

Smoking is in itself quite a revolting habit. It's smelly, destroys the lungs of you and those around you, and burdens us heavily in terms of public health dollars. It's also not as fun as alcohol (disclaimer: do not drink and drive!). But that is another topic for another day. I am playing even smaller ball than smoking. This is like... a sacrifice bunt, except I'm only talking about the part where you drop the bat.

That's right, for those of you who fling your cigarette butt and then step on it, please take the extra step to put the butt into the trash receptacle. When my company goes on the "clean up day", we could fill entire bags of garbage just full of cigarette butts in the smoking area. It's not nice. The corpses still reek of the thousands of chemicals you've transformed into gas.

For those of you who toss it to the ground and don't even bother putting it out, much less waste your precious time putting it in the trash, I'm sure there's some special level of hell waiting for you. Maybe level... 6a or something. Where people on level 6 are forced to constantly smoke cigarettes and then they just toss them down at YOU. While it's still lit. It will land in your eye. You won't like it.

So now that we're friends, I once again implore you to keep your city streets clean of cigarette butts (especially Torontonians). It really does make a difference!

Still I can't decide, cause my hands are tied

2007-07-27T10:27:00.000-04:00

I've been reading Gaiman stories. His stories are always the best stories. They make you feel good reading them. They have internal consistency, just as he describes in American Gods, that there are these rules and you don't know them all but you know they're there. Anyway, I encourage everyone to read Anansi Boys and anything else by him that you can get your hands on. His I, Cthulu short story is pretty amusing (you can read that from his blog linked above).

But I'll come back to me, since this song is about me. Now I want to write stories. It has been a long time and I'm sure I won't be any good at it, and yet, I'm compelled.

"Come on, get up, punk!"

Robert felt like he had been hit by a truck. But of course that was not true, he had simply been hit by a three hundred pound sack of muscle. His vision was still fading back into reality piece by piece from the white wash that filled it, like some bad transition on a TV show.

"What's the matter, pussy?"

He saw the kick coming and managed to edge slightly away from it before it connected with his side. It sent him rolling across the wooden lacquered dance floor, and into a small puddle where someone had - against the rules - brought a drink onto the dance floor and spilled it. No vision problems this time.

The darkness and the occasional stream of coloured light that struck him helped Robert see the concerned look of club-goers, who were in no way offering to help him against his burly opponent, but felt very badly for him nonetheless. Especially the fathead's (he had one of those squat, square heads) girlfriend, who got him into this mess in the first place. "Never get mixed up with broads in low-cut dresses," he could hear his dad advise. Thanks, dad.

Right now though, Robert had to make what seemed to be the most important decision in his life - get up and possibly witness an end to his short, but remarkably fun 21 year old life, survived by old-fashioned and loving parents, Body, his lovable Westie, and his vast collection of golden age comic books, or stay down, let this pool of alcohol and saliva soak into his silk shirt some more, and probably live a long, healthy, and hopefully marvelous life. The choice seemed obvious, but at that moment, fathead decided that he was going to make his choice for him.

Robert was suddenly looking at fathead eye to eye, not recalling that he ever used his own two feet to stand. That's when he noticed that he wasn't standing, but hovering about a foot off the ground, suspended by two massive hands that you might find at a prehistoric gorilla exhibit. An upwelling of well-being and cleverness came over him then, despite the pain that pervaded his body. He began to dramatically work up some phlegm and made a spitting motion. Fathead instinctively turn his head and loosened his grip a little, which allowed Robert to introduce Fathead's crotch to his foot. Fathead's crotch did not enjoy this meeting, but Robert didn't stay to console it. Instead, he bolted and ran into the night.

Comments, thoughts, and suggestions are all welcome.

I want to know you, want to trust you

2007-04-27T09:56:00.000-04:00

No need for words now, we sit in silence.

2007-04-02T16:00:00.000-04:00

As I often do, I pondered as to why people give a rat's ass about celebrity news. Who had who's baby, who's breaking up with who, etc. Personally, I could never understand it, but today I thought of something that may be part of it.

I think that people like to know secrets. They love to know. But I also like to know other people's secrets, so how come I don't care about celebrity news? The answer is that there are two parts of a secret. The first is that it is forbidden knowledge, and it is this part that relates to celebrity news. It doesn't matter that everyone knows - all that matters is that you're not supposed to know. The second part is the sharing of the secret, and this is the part I enjoy. I like it when people tell me things they wouldn't tell other people. It is a sign of trust and friendship.

I divulged this little revelation with Sat, who said that it is also because it is a neutral topic that makes people feel involved, and people want to feel involved with anything. Probably true.

We're the bodies piled up by the roadside

2007-03-29T16:05:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, I ponder about death. Usually not my own, but if my mother is sick I will think about it. There is a small amount of guilt attached to the thoughts, because at some level something is threatening to make my thoughts a reality, even though I know it has no actual power to do so. I've never been too concerned about my state after her death. I mean, I'll be very upset. Is it because I've lost a link in this world? I have no perception of other worlds.

I would lose such an ally - my mother is always in my corner. She is always looking out for me and willing to go out of her way, and I know that when all other lights go out, she will be there to absorb the darkness. I would lose one such person, and that would suck, but that's not why I would be sad... would it?

Would it be because I have no other birth mother? Is it biological? What is the big deal about death? What does it say about my life if she were to die? Would I be telling my children that it was tragic that both my parents died so young? How should I even think about it?

I'm afraid that I wouldn't be sad though, that I would be proven to be some kind of monster that I could just accept it, mourn, and move on. I know I'm some kind of monster, but am I that kind? What if I could just deal with it better than most?

Is this desire enough?

2007-03-21T16:19:00.000-04:00

If you are going to make a multi-display wallpaper, this is a perfect example of how to do it. It breaks nicely in the middle, and it's almost two separate wallpapers except that it is connected by theme and colour, and when you consider both together it does add more to the piece than apart.

Thanks to evilhomer for this awesome background. Follow this link to the full deviation.

Tag Team, back again

2007-03-20T14:45:00.000-04:00

That quote really dates me, doesn't it? The other day I realized that I am actually 26. I've never given much thought to it, but somehow the act of mistakenly thinking that I was still 25, and then finding out I'm 26, now that I think about it, seemed to have triggered ill feelings towards my age. I'm not looking back in regret or anything like that, but twenty-six just has some negative energy attached to it.

The other thing you notice as you get older is that people around you start talking about their age. Mark commented on how songs on the radio remind him of his age, because he remembers when they first came out.

From January until now, and for the near future I've been in another World. Of Warcraft. I'm enjoying it even more this time around, partly because the expansion is amazing, partly because I'm actually getting to raid, but mostly because I've found some cool people to play with. When you can find a group of trusted people to go spelunking with, it makes all the difference!

"Keep looking a the bright side", but that just hurts my eyes

2006-10-21T10:52:00.000-04:00

I often think of property or phenomenon, and then wonder if it's the same for other people. For example, I don't think much at all about my own birthday, safety, health, or any of that... but I really care about other peoples'. I'm sure it's some manifestation of a serious self-esteem issue, but at some level I know I think it's just more noble to care for others rather than yourself.

That's not to say that I spend all my time caring for others... or even most. It's just my frame of mind. I would not die to save myself, but almost anyone else? Sure. Also, I can't seem to display this desire for nobility in person... it seems easier to be difficult. Do I really desire it, then?

It's also a pretty handy shield at times. For example, if someone forgets my birthday, or does not come to a celebration of it, then I can deflect any hurt or resentment to the fact that it's just not important. And I can ask myself things like, "why should it be important to them?", and of course I have no answer, and that would be that. I also can't help but to ponder the meaning of such actions. It doesn't mean anything. Everyone falls the first time.

'Till the words flow like the pros

2006-10-10T16:42:00.000-04:00

I know the trick to dealing with people. I say trick not because anyone should use this information to manipulate (although I'm sure people do), but a trick in the sense that it's not obvious. I guess it's more like a secret, although that word implies that people are actively trying to keep it hidden, and that's no good either. How much time do I spend analyzing the correct word for things? Ineffable.

Anyway, the secret is to acknowledge that this person that you're talking to has overcome some amount of trauma, in tact, and emerged better. I think, in some way, that at least most people want people to acknowledge that. They want people to know what kinds of horrors and difficulties they faced, and how they managed to come out of it a much smarter, wiser, or stronger person. And everyone has difficulties. I love to learn of the struggles of other people... maybe for this reason. It garners at least a modicum of respect when someone has struggled through something.

Linda may be coming home early. That will be fantastic. I feel a bit guilty that I hadn't written a letter to her like I was meaning to, or send her a postcard of Toronto for laughs. I'm dreaming up other schemes, but who knows what will happen to them. Her postcard put a smile on my face, as always.

Things seem to be ok... hockey has started and my heart bubbles with hope that the Leafs will win it all! Oh.. and Kyle Wellwood (AKA Frodo) will win the Hart and the Conn Smythe.

I'm writing "sharp and gifted", with my finger on the steam

2006-08-05T23:58:00.000-04:00

I don't know who this guy is, but I hope he's pretty good!

Chris Ferguson
72 Poker Face, 9 Irritating, 76 Mathematical

Poker face - Tight and very difficult to read, probably known by your friends as being quiet and aloof. You'll use whatever props and techniques it takes to stop people understanding how you really feel. This is a real asset in a game of poker, but not a great virtue socially.

Irritating - Not at all. Good company, not too loud, not too offensive. At a party you're not the centre of attention but you're chatty and always mingling. Your fellow players welcome you to the table for a pleasant chat, safe in the knowledge you're not going to send them over the edge in a fit of rage.

Mathematical - Tight and conservative, you only like to play hands where you know you've got the edge on your opponents. You need to loosen up a bit and stop scaring the other players away when you bet.

In summary - You'd probably make a great poker player. Try being a little more loose with your betting to improve your game even more.

Your professional match - Chris "Jesus" Ferguson. Ferguson started playing at the age of 10 but didn't start playing in tournaments until he was 31. Since then he's amassed over $5,500,000 in winnings and has also scooped the game's most coveted prize, the World Series main event. He also has an unusual skill - he can chop fruit and veg by throwing playing cards at them.

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 57% on Poker Face
You scored higher than 14% on Irritating
You scored higher than 85% on Mathematical

Link: The Could You Be A Poker Player Test written by dennisnewark1 on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

That is just more bad news cause I'd really rather die

2006-07-28T09:00:00.000-04:00

I've already worked 50 hours this week. Only 37.5 more hours to go. Poor Chris is also working these hours, except he also drives me home. I feel bad that he seems to have lost his DS... I hope it turns up.

On other fronts, Ellen should be coming home soon. I have not received an email from her... I can only assume that she has not found an appropriate internet cafe. Haven't received a postcard either... I think to myself: "if she doesn't send me one, what does it mean?"
It means nothing is new.

I always have these dreams in which I'm inappropriately naked. Usually I am hidden - under covers or something... rarely I dream I get on the bus without pants or something. It causes a lot of anxiety throughout what is supposed to be my resting period. Last night I dreamt that Mark and Linda were visiting, and we were watching TV and I went under covers. Some time later, when I wanted to get up and get a drink or something, I realized that I no longer had my shorts on. I figured I must've taken them off as soon as I was covered by the blanket, but I couldn't figure out why I left my shorts on the other side of the couch. So I tried to casually walk over (keeping covered), and retrieved them. The rush was embarassment woke me up a little but I didn't dream of their reactions - there was too much focus on my own problems and avoided their gazes.

Baa Baa, Black Sheep

2006-07-08T23:30:00.000-04:00

I feel distant. I didn't really have a chance to analyze it when I was seeing both Mark and Chris everyday, but it had burrowed itself inside a little cache somewhere within my being and insidiously taken over. For now I can hide from it with DVR looming so large at work, but I know that even talking to Ellen before she left, and seeing Linda again for the first time in a long while did little to diminish it.

Will it get worse now that Mark is in the Petes and Ellen visiting China for the month? It's this weird sensation... I don't feel connected to anyone (except Nads of course, we are always bound). I feel like other people are weaving their webs, carefully avoiding me, and I am unable to weave my own. I go around happily, and like everything else, I am able to forget it most of the time, but it's there. It is pinning itself to every activity - just a tiny little post-it note to remind me that either I am elsewhere or everyone else is.

But no, it's better to face these kinds of things

2006-05-17T20:55:00.000-04:00

I wonder what the human fascination with lists is. Letterman, Sportscentre, music stations, online stores... everything has lists. It's like an ordered enumeration gives us... comfort? No. Something to discuss and contradict. They're easy to digest. There is some minor element of suspense. They let us in on another point of view.

I've had many great moments involving food, but the I've had very few experiences where the food was the defining element of the occassion. I've never had a great relationship with food... I don't really snack, I often just plain forget to eat even in the middle of eating, and I can resist hunger (maybe I'd do well as a vampire?). My top five food moments:

5. 1 pound of chicken wings from Wing Machine (90s?): For some reason, I remember this, because it was just so much food and I only finished half of it. It wasn't particularly amazing, but it was... plentiful. Partly though I think it's because this was a meal I ordered solely for myself and I would never do that otherwise.

4. Whole crab $8.99 (2004-ish): For my birthday, Keith took me to the special they had on green onion crab at a chinese restaurant. A whole crab to myself! I was in heaven.

3. Alaskan King Crab @ Fish House (90s): My mom was there, maybe her boyfriend, but I remember the crab came in these steel buckets. It was so delicious, and I think crab became my favourite food at this meal.

2. Live lobster in Vancouver (95-ish): This traumatizing meal is brought to you by Japanese people. I don't know which of my mother's sick friends ordered this, but I remember one of the aunties saw that the lobster, freshly chopped up into sections, was still moving, and proceeded to ask everyone to close their eyes and pray. I just kept staring in horror at the tentacles waving in the air, the legs slowly undulating. Even after the prayer, it was still moving, though with less enthusiasm. Even worse, it was the most delicious lobster I've ever tasted.

1. Crab legs extravaganza (2005): For my birthday, Nads made be like a billion curried crab legs. I had nothing but crab for like 2 meals! Just thinking about it makes my mouth water and my stomach feel full of crab meat.

The funny thing that I just realized last night (when I had crab with my godmother) is that I'm probably a tiny bit allergic to crab. There's always a semi-itchy feeling in the back of my throat after I eat it. But it's *so* worth it. Soft shell crabs, curried crabs, crab crabs... bacon wrapped crabs, baked crabs, boiled crabs... mmmm!

Zombies win "thriller" in SO

2006-05-08T09:48:00.000-04:00

Last night, Dany Heatley netted his first goal as a Zombie in a 4-3 shootout win over their conference rivals the San Jose Sharks. You could not tell that the goal won't count on the statistics though.

"I just carried some speed into the zone and shot it as hard as I could," Heatley explained modestly. "I got a bit lucky."

The skilled 26 year-old winger joined the Zombies in a blockbuster trade that saw Sergei Samsonov, who had only played two games with the team, head the other way. The move was the last of a series of roster-shattering moves that surprised many hockey fans.

"I thought we were done when we got rid of Thornton and acquired Satan, but apparently management had some other demonic plans in mind," laughed Wes Craven (maniacally).

The Zombies had sent the oldest member of the FNG line, Jason Spezza, and the Offensive Dynamo, Nick Shultz, to the Penguins in return for the big centre, but promptly made a three-way trade to acquire the players back.

"It's nice to be a Zombie again. Less thinking," jokes Spezza in a light practice yesterday. "I was really getting attached to Moncton and I hope to never leave again."

Team co-captain Patrick Marleau looks to rejoin his teammates sometime this week after being mauled in the ankle by linemate Iginla. "I heard the whistle but I guess Iggy was just caught up in a bloodlust. The next thing I knew I was out 2-4 weeks."

"I don't know what happened," Iginla protests guiltily. "I swear I didn't do anything."

The injury-ridden zombies will be missing their top two centres next game, as well as Iginla. Coach Craven suspects foul play. "Some of our rivals may have employed some clerics to rebuke or command us. I hope the league investigates."

I think we're alone here, you and I

2006-05-07T02:45:00.000-04:00

Here I am again; in my space. Why do I not document my life as diligently as I used to? I know it wasn't that frequent before, but now I almost avoid it. What brings me here now?

Sometimes I think of something to write here... something clever or witty I wished to record. But then, when I get a chance to do it, when I literally think, "I should blog about that right now", some insidious advisor convinces me otherwise.

There is a growing worry inside of me that i'm becoming a bit of an ass. I always mean to do or say things jokingly, but I should seize the opportunities to do nice things. One of the most effective ways to tell who you are is to look back upon the decisions you've made or the actions you took, pretend someone else did those things, and then ask what kind of person you think this phantom reflection is. Most people start the other way, from the inside, but it leaves room for self-deception. I mean, this process allows for self-deception as well, as any process that only involves the self will permit, but it provides an accurate compass.

She's just someone's favourite daughter

2006-04-08T11:29:00.000-04:00

I don't know why, but my annoyance at the sheer reactivity and incompetence at work is growing. Often growing to levels at which I find myself complaining, which I usually never do. My department isn't so bad, but the rest of the company seems to just be content until something goes hideously wrong.

On the other hand, the project I'm currently working on is very exciting. Fun with Swing!

We celebrated Chris' birthday last weekend. It was good times, and most of us got him board games. Power Grid, Ra, Hacienda... Linda got him a shirt. I'm feeling quite cruddy that I basically forced a ride from Chris today. Being a leech taxes on your karma, maybe. I'm very oblivious to my karma, usually. I wish I had some money to do nice things for people who help me out more frequently. I mean, with Linda I can write a letter, or do crazy things like make a fake monster manual for her. But you can't do that kind of stuff with *guys*.

I need to get back to writing.

She has the smoke in her eyes

2006-03-26T09:49:00.000-05:00

Linda's housewarming last night was an interesting event for me. I have not been in a social situation with a large number of people unknown to me in quite a while. There were some cool people there, and some who were not so cool. I think the weirdest moment of the night must've been talking with Linda's other roleplaying group. The GM was clearly very intelligent. However, after discovering that I had known Linda for 11 years, they (the GM and some player guy) started talking to me about Linda's boobs!

The conversation went something like:

Me: Yeah, we know you as the "group she dresses up for" (I go on to explain the story)
GM: Back when we still knew her as the "token girl player", she once wore a really distracting sweater. I couldn't get the attention of my players (poor summary).
Me (thinking maybe it was bright pink or something like that): What do you mean?
GM: How do I put this? It showed off certain of her good qualities.
Me (stubborn): I don't get it.
GM: , help me out here... She's well endowed, etc.

Do people talk to you about your sister's breasts at her housewarming party? I didn't know if I should punch him or what, but it really weirded me out. I didn't talk to the GM again for the rest of the evening after I managed to exit the room.

I think Alex and Elan were pretty cool, though. I didn't get all that drunk once again... I've developed this stopping mechanism that I never had before. Chris seemed to be the biggest hit at the party out of the three of us. I told him unconsciousness would get him all the fly honies, but I guess I was wrong. Molly likes to stare at herself in the mirror.

and mary mcgregor, she was a pretty whore

2006-03-18T09:59:00.000-05:00

I didn't get as drunk as I expected last night. I wasn't even that tired when I got home at around 4 in the morning. I woke up early this morning, despite protest from my sagging and dry ocular orbs. But it was a good St. Patrick's night. Mark, Tim, Linda, Chris and I did nothing but sit around and talk (with a bit of Kevin Smith at the end), but it was still fantastic.

There is a lot to catch up on, but my memory is shaky. The usual and easy thing would probably be to document the events and my impressions of them in chronological order, but I sometimes like making games of things so I'm going to try to record them by person (not sorted).

Nads: Still searching for a job. I pray she finds one soon. I've been impressed with her exercise regimen recently although she broke from it two nights ago (with good cause). Things have been spectacular at home and I am often worried about our future.

Linda: I was really glad to see her again two weeks ago. We had not seen each other, had not even a palaver for two months. The sundering of our roleplaying group tends to do that... often I had thought that roleplaying was the only reason we were still hanging out. Many other dark thoughts, such as Tim doesn't like me, vied for attention in my crowded mind (that may be true). Beyond my fears of inadequacy, though, I was just plain elated to talk with her again. And she gave me an awesome top that lights up. It's an office crowd-pleaser. I remember the night ended with Tim and Linda ditching us for some of her other friends and a dark rave of some sort, but I can understand. From her LJ, Tim's friends seem to adore her. I'm really glad that's turning out for Tim as well... it's tough to have a significant other that doesn't get along with your friends.

Their trip to Orlando sounded like a blast. The Universal theme park there sounded amazing! All the rides they described were very creative. And Linda got me a shot glass of the Dueling Dragons ride (it has my name on it).

From our conversation last night, her work situation is deteriorating. I wish the best for her, whether that be schooling (cognitive science sounds neat) or pursuing a new career (although she's convinced she's gone as far as she could without a degree). My attempts to encourage her may seem like unnecessary pressure though, and I know she dislikes being asked about progress on things of that nature.

Mark and Chris: They are both working with me now, and it fulfills me, though not to the degree I would expect. Ever since the teenage years, one of my desires was to work together with the gang to complete some kind of project. Whether it was the Toronto Gaming page or just something completely wacky, I wanted to finish something. We never had it in us though. Having Chris and Mark at work are great. We play board games at lunch, it's convenient for us to hang out after work, and I finally get to witness the results of the application of their bright intellects. Chris has already come up with some great algorithms and Mark, despite only having worked a couple of days, is setting up some AJAX coolness. It's still not a project that's born of our own co-operation, though, and that may be what's missing. No matter what, we're still working for someone else.

It was completely fine with Chris because I still haven't known him that long, but it's a little weirder with Mark. What would I say to him in a one on one meeting? It must be weird for them too, to be working under your friend. I personally would be glad to work for a friend, I think... but I just like being around my friends, regardless of environment and circumstance. Is it hard to work for someone you know to be your intellectual inferior?

Ellen: Ellen and I have weird blurts of conversation. We'll randomly talk to each other, randomly stop (perhaps purposefully). We won't see each other for months, and then sometimes gather in consecutive months. She's already tired of her new job, and rightfully so. In some ways she is the most predictable friend I have, but I still feel like I cannot read her. Maybe I just do not want to interpret her true nature. Maybe I should take the cognitive science program.

Like satellites with laser beams from above

2006-02-15T22:05:00.000-05:00

These things are really cool. Please fill them out, although of course I am way more interested in the Nohari. I promise I won't take it personally.

Diss me up... and then Praise me!

I've come down with Olympic fever again. I'm so proud of the under-sponsored athletes who have to work at Walmart to make ends meet. Also, our men's hockey team is pretty much busted and I predict gold (even though it won't be as easy as last time at Salt Lake City).

Working with Chris is tons of fun. Even though I have been really busy we still play a board game at lunch. Mike is in on it too now, which is really cool. Peter is not so keen on the different board games but he seems to like Samurai. I don't really understand why he is so quick to judge and dumb down everything other than chess.

I am in an unhappy place right now. With Nads jobless again my heart falls a little bit every time I look at my bank balances. She says she's going to start looking in March, that she wants the month off, but really, which adult gets a whole month off? Plus it's almost guaranteed that she'll also waste March since I doubt there will be a job just waiting for her. She has these grand (and wonderful) aspirations about a family and opening her spa (which sounds really cool), but I just don't see how we're going to get her there. I should get around to posting for some part-time work. I think I can help people with resumes and interviewing skills. I really just want to help people for free, though... and I often think that if a stranger was in a bad situation and asked me to do it then I'd help them anyway. But then, my true reservations are that no one will want my help anyway. I mean, what do I really know, you know?

Make me laugh. Say you know what you want.

2006-01-27T17:29:00.000-05:00

Stand up for Canada. Bow to the States.

That was the complete Conservative slogan. I think any rational Canadian understands that a large part of the Canadian identity is that we are not American. And we are on the path to losing that part of identity. As terrible as it may be to define yourself as not someone else, at least it was ours.

Whatever a minority may not accomplish, the fact is that Canada would rather lose their identity and risk external abuse and direction rather than suffering some abuse from within. It shows me that our country doesn't have the will to say, "we'd rather die than join you." How do we vote in a man who apologized on our behalf for not invading Iraq? That, to me, is a much larger betrayal than the fact that Martin set up some foreign companies. Harper wasn't even Prime Minister yet. He had no right to speak for Canadians. But who knows, maybe there is majority support for the war in Iraq in Canada.

I watched an interview with one of the Conservative winners, and he said that he felt people responded to their positive campaign. Which fucking campaign was he in? I haven't seen one commercial that did not mention the corrupt Liberals. There would be more positives in HIV tests given to virgins.

There is some anger in me. I am partly angry at the west, who could so wholeheartedly support the Reform party. I am angry at the Bloq, because their party is based on the most ridiculous proposition, and they are taking valuable Liberal seats. But I'm mostly just... sad. I had such faith that Canada would make the right choice.

How many fates turn around in the overtime?

2006-01-24T22:40:00.000-05:00

In rank order. If there is a tie, it’s up to you to decide.

LIBERAL PARTY OF CANADA
7 of your answers match the ideas of this party: health care, employment insurance, taxes, education, relations with provinces, gun control, environment .

BLOC QUÉBÉCOIS
2 of your answers match the ideas of this party: national defence, international aid .

NEW DEMOCRATIC PARTY
2 of your answers match the ideas of this party: early childhood, parliamentary reform .

CONSERVATIVE PARTY OF CANADA
1 of your answers match the ideas of this party: economy .

Peel out the watchword just peel out the watchword

2006-01-19T21:57:00.000-05:00

My dream last night, at one point, involved people who were dressed up as superheroes playing hockey against robots. They were very serious about pretending to be the superheroes, so the Superman lookalike was skating around in the Superman flying pose.

Nads got a trial at a spa tomorrow. I will be the happiest dude in the world if she gets this gig.

And you know you're gonna lie to you in your own way

2006-01-17T18:48:00.000-05:00

Hummingbird Spirit Calls To You!
Hummingbird
represents optimism and sweetness.
Being able to roll with the punches is an attribute
of Hummingbird.

Hummingbirds's Wisdom Includes:

Ability to heal by using light as a laser from
mouth

Endurance over long journeys

Ability to fly into small places to heal

Joy

Happiness

Love

Messenger, stopper of time.

If you enjoyed
this quiz, please rate and I may do another!

Animal Spirit Guides ~ Which One Calls To You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Your apocalypse was fab

2006-01-10T22:39:00.000-05:00

High Boltage: New Year's Eve. Fun with Picasa!

Take my photo off the wall if it just won't sing for you

2005-12-30T16:50:00.000-05:00

Played tons of Half-Life:Source today. Yes, I've never played the original all the way through so I'm going back. The good news is Source has better graphics and I can turn the settings all the way up, whereas when it was first release I woke up extra early and huddled in front of Mark's computer to experience what would be the best game of that year, and some claim ever. After about four hours of play, I'm at the part I was when I left off at his house. I can't believe I played four hours there.

A new query in life: Can relationships (not just between lovers) survive without tradition? Lately I've been trying to piece together a tradition that the original Gang of Four (oh, Java joke!) has, and I've come up empty. It's shameful to think about them in this light, but interlopers have changed, mixed, added to our traditions and now we have nothing. Certainly, I don't mind new people and I accept them fully, and I really like them to boot. But there's always been a desire (within me) to stay really close to the GoF, and that just doesn't happen with a larger group. It can't happen. I think about Ottawa, and how much fun it was last year. I seriously doubt we will go this year, and if we do go it will likely include Chris and Tim. Will we then get seperate rooms? Is it even tradition after only one year? It is obvious that tradition keeps relations and families together... but does not A imply not B?

Cause love's such an old-fashioned word

2005-12-23T20:49:00.000-05:00

I am Jack's chest cold.

My mom worries me to no end these days. Everytime I meet her she starts bawling her eyes out about how negligent I am in my filial duties. She thinks Nads disrepects her and is avoiding her (the latter is true). Her closest friends (my godmother amoung them) have abandoned her... though she claims that she does not want to contact them. She feels slighted, and I can't tell if it's imagined or not. All I can tell is that I cannot forgive them for not being kind to her, even if they are right to do so. If they abandon my mother then they will have nothing to do with me, either. Many days I get scared when the phone rings. I fear it is someone telling me she has killed herself. I imagine I would be shocked, cry from a mix of grief and relief, and feel guilty the rest of my life. Nads won't help me.

On to happier news, my Christmas loot from the gang include: Civ IV SE (from Chris), Half-Life 2 and a t-shirt (from Richard), a really cool electronic top (from Linda), and "The Wind-up Bird Chronicle" (from Mark). Civ IV is the best game ever and the top is awesome, and I'm pretty sure I'll like Half-Life 2 and the book even though I have yet to experience them. As I was explaining to my co-worker, Christmas is now pretty much over for me, as far as gifts go. I'll get more gifts from my in-laws, but the really cool gifts that I know I'll love come from the gang. In-laws get you the necessities like sweaters and other clothing, which is good too, but it's hard to be excited about it. I also feel really terrible that Chris spent so much on my gift and I only got him one Doctor Who DVD... had I but known beforehand! Also it was a bit awkward that Richard and I together got Mark a Civ IV SE but Chris seemed to find it cheaply at Best Buy. I mean, it's not definitely not his fault and I am glad he is in such a spirit of giving, and I certainly don't mind scoring Civ IV SE, but I wish I had more money to reciprocate the kindness.

In either case, hopefully I can repay him with a contract opportunity at work. The prospect of working with a close friend worries me a little bit, but I'm excited. Fun times at work!

Somebody get insurance, to take good care of me

2005-12-12T14:26:00.000-05:00

Karli got me Action Pact and Pretty Together for Christmas. What a gal! I feel so bad that I didn't know so I did not get her anything. Christmas always brings up these kinds of issues. I don't really know who to get gifts for. I just thank the gods that Nads handles all of her family's gifting. I pondered getting gifts for my lackeys, but I don't really know what they like... except David likes chess, Peter likes hockey/football, and... maybe I should get Muhammad something to do with software development? All I know is that I wouldn't feel right giving any of them anything unless I can give them all something.

I'm pretty excited about giving gifts to the gang, though. As usual I am ultra paranoid that they won't like it. Except Mark. I'm positive he'll like his present.... oh, and Chris too.

I think my connection with Nads is deepening.

On an unrelated note, we watched three movies this weekend: Memoirs of a Geisha, City Hunter, and 40-Year Old Virgin. MoaG wasn't as terrible as expected, but it was still pretty horrible. The more I think about it, the more I dislike it. I mean, who cares what happens to the protagonist? She was not a good person, and the only reason we were supposed to root for her was because she had a hard childhood? Please. I did like the wily, greedy Mother though. I think the acting was good, but I was constantly distracted by the fact that the film was not in Japanese. City Hunter was a little better, and they did manage to recreate a wacky anime feel, but overall it was just a bit too much consecutive silliness. The Street Fighter 2 part of the movie was amusing though. The 40-Year Old Virgin was mildly amusing. There were bits of clever dialogue here and there, but if you haven't seen it you're not missing much. It's pretty much your standard romance/comedy: protagonist has an embarassing secret that he's not sure his object of affection will accept, lets it insidiously ruin the perfect relationship, and then reveals it for happily ever after. I will give it credit, though: I have never seen such accurate portrayals of boners in a feature length film.

that they'll never do the things that they wish they could do so well

2005-11-29T21:55:00.000-05:00

I have my wishlist up at amazon.com

I chose to do it at .com instead of .ca since they have more stuff, but naturally i don't really care where the products come from. I don't usually like putting in messages for other people here, since I still want this as my personal journal.

So, back to regular programming.

I visited Ellen today. Her ovaries are intact. i'm glad we are comfortable enough that we can talk about her ovaries. We laughed a lot as we are prone to do... there was some disclosure of personal stuff. Some bonding, some complaining about work. Boy, is her company in bad shape. I really hope she had fun, even though we didn't do much but talk. Breaking the monotony of recovery and saving her from daytime TV (everybody gets one!).

When I called her to tell her I was coming today, she seemed surprised. She thought I was just saying I was going to visit in our previous correspondence. Am I some kind of insincere monster?

The modded gang (+Tim -Richard) had some good times on Monday. We actually beat the Lord of the Rings co-operative board game... man it was hard. I realized how uncomfortable with any sort of attention, even good attention near the end of the night when everyone was laughing at some wacky thing i did (i wasn't thinking).

You keep lying when you ought to be truthing

2005-11-14T08:00:00.000-05:00

My current seven ideal Jeopardy categories:

Lose weight without trying
2 habits of highly effective people
Hibernate 3 and MyFaces 1.1.1
Mounting colossi
Frugal futility
Disappointment is a 14 letter word

Where would we walk? Where would we run?

2005-11-07T09:59:00.000-05:00

I like taking the same tests as my friends and seeing if we get similar results. These are tests from Linda's livejournal... we both have Butterfly eyes, but her life is a whopping .3 higher!

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	6.3
Mind:	6.7
Body:	5.3
Spirit:	6.8
Friends/Family:	5.3
Love:	7.3
Finance:	7.2
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

BUTTERFLY EYES

You have Butterfly
Eyes!
Positive Traits: Thoughtful,
Intelligent, Humble, Clever, Open
Minded
Negative Traits: Elitist,
Conceited, Apathetic, Cold, Sarcastic

Your eyes are the windows to your soul. What type of eyes do you have?
brought to you by Quizilla

I've got a full tank and some chips

2005-11-05T09:15:00.000-05:00

For some reason the first thing I thought of when I woke up today were the three moments of my life that I felt the most ditched (even though I pretty much never think on this subject, they came to me almost immediately):

#3: When I was about 8, I was arguing with my mom about something on the way to her car in a plaza, and she just drove off without me.

#2: In one of the first New Years Eves that I celebrated with the gang, they decided to see a movie, but I don't think I knew which one... I was a bit late and found no one waiting outside the entrance for me, so I just went home. I realize it was my fault for being late, but "the movie was starting" never seemed like a good enough reason for me.

#1: When I was 7 or 8, I found out that my dad was not coming over to Canada to live with us. I just accepted it the way kids do. In typical chinese fashion, my dad cited money reasons... there was more money to be made in Hong Kong, and he could support me better from there. He was wrong. I never really understood it growing up. I didn't blame myself or anything, which seems to be all the rage in movies and tv shows or whatever. I'd probably smack someone who tried to tell me it's not my fault over my parent's divorce and my dad abandoning me in Canada. I think my dad was frightened of leaving his entire life behind, and the only environment he had known... and maybe that's why I'm so amazed when people want to pick up and move to another country. Is fear inherited? I mean, I cite my love for everything here as the reason, but who knows. I'm a complicated man.

Looking over your shoulder, so you'll see I'm there

2005-10-27T14:10:00.000-04:00

I am at a critical stage. I want to be certified next week. I still need to get my Shuffle fixed. It's also the time of year when I want stuff. I want to subscribe to the NHL Network. I want to subscribe to Pandora. I wanted to see Jakalope in concert. I think I will steel my will and get non of these.

Mark has a job, which is terrific, even though the company he's working for is sucky. He seems a bit happier since, and his proximity to Linda probably helps. They're hanging out again and seem happier for doing so. Less importantly, I've been pushed into obscurity once again (<-- this could be paranoia). I don't want to sound like a kid dealing with less attention. I never had much attention.

Jen is doing this big presentation for some conference. It sounds really exciting and I wish I could go to watch her. I'll probably start hollering inappropriate things though like "wooooooh!" or "Moncton Zombieeees for Life!".

I'm so occupied developing at work these days that I'm worried I'm not doing enough of my managerial duties correctly. I certainly screwed up when I was late for a one on one meeting with the new CEO... man am I dumb. He's a hard person to read as he doesn't smile alot, but he seems like a cool enough guy and certainly very capable. I've been sucked into hawWoWe'en

Let's see you dance, sucka, you ain't got nuthin' on me

2005-10-21T13:23:00.000-04:00

So, the best thing ever:

http://www.pandora.com

Also good:

http://images.southparkstudios.com/media/sounds/805/DANCESUCKA.wav

In other news, I went to a David Usher concert on Wednesday, by some lucky double-edged serendipity (Richard was too sick to go and Jen did not want to go without him). It was rockin'. Mr. Usher is quite charismatic, and I understand he's eye candy as well, so the crowd was screaming "take it off!" sporadically. He had a chat with us. He sang a bit in Thai. He's very talented. Oh, and the violinist, Lindsey, is kinda hot.

Mark made an interesting observation when we were there... the David Usher crowd is not the usual 15-20 crowd at the concerts that we like. These were all older people... I wonder why. The Phoenix Concert Theatre may just be a place that attracts adults? I have no clue, but it did seem like I was one of the youngest people there.

However, the most extraordinary experience happened after the concert. I was waiting for my bus at Broadview station, when some old lady came to sat down beside me. My mistake, I'm told, is that I make eye contact, and I did accidentally do that. But I looked away really fast. Anyway, I'm looking the other way and trying not to pay attention to her, then she says, directly to me: "I'm the only white person here." I was quite disturbed by this observation, since there were two white people standing right in front of us. I pointed to them and said, "What about those people?" She said something dismissive like "yeah, right" and shook her head, and then proceeded to tell me, for about 15 minutes, about how sad she is and she doesn't know what's happening to this country. She was crying and seemed genuinely upset, so feeling a little sympathy for this racist I sat there and listened. She seemed heartbroken by some event that caused her to drink this night (her breath reeked of it), something about her son avoiding some native film festival. She is native, you see (she told me about 5 dozen times). She also mentioned her daughter, and tried to pawn her off on me until she found out I was married. She told me she's not racist, and that she's usually a very nice person and lets travelling freeloaders stay in her house and she's going for hurricane relief training next week. She seemed to think that it was the most surprising thing ever that I've been in Canada for 18 years. I didn't have the soft look in my face, she said. Eventually (it seemed longer than usual), the bus came, I arose to get in, and seeing that she didn't get up, I felt bad and turned around and said "bye". Then I sat on the bus, and saw that she got on a bit later, sitting somewhere in the back. I tried to ignore her mostly, feeling guilty about not going over and talking to her, since she cried the entire time. About ten minutes into the bus ride, while the bus was stopped at a red light, she tossed a ring at me (I was shocked and just reflexively caught it) and said, "Here, give it to your wife or something", and then proceeded to throw some tantrum including some expletives at the bus driver to let her off, and how she can't take this anymore, and something about the country maybe, and then exited the bus.

I'm not sure if I should exactly qualify her as crazy, but I have no idea what else to say about her. She was clearly distressed, and I couldn't provide any comfort, probably because I was in so much discomfort and partly because she was ranting about immigrants, a group to which I belong. It was just extremely weird, and some more guilt was attached to the fact that I got some material gain out of the exchange. For what reason? I have no idea.

My heart is yours to fill or burst

2005-10-14T10:58:00.000-04:00

Edit: Here is a good example of irony.
http://www.snopes.com/humor/mediagoofs/sixpence.asp

I'm drowning in the spicy juice of vindication.

One of my pet peeves is that the average person misuses the word irony. They simply don't know what it means, and popular media propogates its misuse. Simply put, people have no idea what irony is. Of course, I have always used Alanis Morissette's ever popular song, Ironic, to demonstrate my point. Most of the situations she describes are not ironic. Rain on your wedding day? That's unfortunate. Bad planning - maybe. Ironic? No. Good advice you just didn't take? That's just stupidity, or maybe stubbornness. Once again: not ironic.

Recently, Sabrina notified me of this anecdote (I'm paraphrasing):

She was sitting near a class that was just beginning, and it turned out to be an English class. The prof began the lecture by playing Ms. Morissette's Ironic. After the song was done playing, the prof told the students to go home and rewrite the song so that the situations are actually ironic.

Something came to me though. What if the irony of the song is the title? I started thinking about it, and I decided that Alanis just wasn't that smart. And some lyrics in the song support that... "Isn't it ironic/Yeah I really do think". Plus, there's nothing to suggest that she was playing a clever prank on the listener.

Don't misunderstand - irony is a hard concept to explain. Don't misuse it if you don't know, though. It was explained to me by one of my english teachers/professors as:

The perfect inversion to what one would expect.

I will illustrate (this isn't the best example - it's hard to create irony, which is what makes it so great):

Someone walks into an Adult Video store, and later walks out with only a Pixar video.

He moves in circles of friends who just pretend that they like him

2005-10-13T13:14:00.000-04:00

This just in:

liquids help you get over sicknesses faster.

I was at the worst of it last night... I couldn't eat, so I resolved to do the only thing I could: drink. I downed almost a litre of delicious chicken broth (thanks to Nads), and just pretty much drank non-stop until I was full. Then, every time after room was cleared, I'd drink two more glasses of liquid. Any liquid. Nads was very helpful during this whole thing and took care of my every need. The downside of this strategy is that nature called about once every hour and a half to two hours. And during the night, I would not wake up until I had to go badly. It was all worth it though! Stupid sickness! Take that!

All those dirty words, they make us look so dumb

2005-10-11T09:40:00.000-04:00

My total lack of self-awareness was my undoing again last night. I don't understand how my guard comes down.... I only wish they had told me that I act like a total ass when I play Settlers previously, for I surely would've said "no, remember, I'm an asshole when I play Settlers so we shouldn't play". I am so ashamed... I did not realize that Settlers just wasn't one of those games where you can be vindictive... maybe I've played too much wrestling. I'm not sure what I should've done at that point. Nothing I could've done would've had any impact on the rest of the game. I think I'm just supposed to sit there, roll the dice, collect my resources and just wait for the end.

It was enough to bother me. I tossed and turned over it the entire night... I must've had about 2 hours of sleep. What was weird was that as I thought more and became more ashamed and angry at myself, I started coughing... and coughing. Throughout the night I couldn't stop coughing any more than I could stop thinking about it. Some kind of powerful psychosomatic symptom? I'm a little sick now.

The second blunder, which also shames me, is that I had not thought to invite Linda into the fantasy hockey league. I really had not even considered that she would be interested... she just wasn't that big a hockey fan, I thought. I should really ask anyway. I mean, I did ask Richard anyway... what the hell...

All in all it was pretty much the crappiest night in a long time, as the Leafs lost in a shootout to Ottawa again. Being temporarily first in the pool is of very minor comfort.

I fell out of bed laced with spit and sweat

2005-10-07T11:01:00.000-04:00

It has been a marvellous week. I've wanted to post here since Tuesday, but I just somehow never got around to it. It's not like my days and nights were jammed pack. It was just one of those things that time hides from you.

Monday night was quite the adventure. After having dinner at Jack Astor's, we drove to Peterborough to have cake chez Mark's mom (did I mention she is a nice lady?), and a bottle of wine later we were at E-LAN. I got destroyed at UT2004 as usual, and even finished last a few rounds despite Chris not having played the game before. Yeah.... yeah. Anyway, it was fun times and I can't believe the madness of the plan, on a work night. I had some foresight despite not knowing the plan and took Tuesday off.

My presents from the gang were pretty spectacular. They got me a bunch of random stuff from the dollar store: Tic Tacs (my breath smells?), a coiling snake, classic bazooka gum, a pumpkin doll, a bingo marker, a 2005 Orlando Bloom calendar, a flower doll... I may be missing something, but if I am, it's only because it's so completely random and I don't have them in front of me. In addition (as if that wasn't enough), Richard made me a CD entitled "D-Day", which has a lot of my current favourite songs on it. We listened to it on the drive to Peterborough and it was rockin'! What really amazes me is that he managed to remember me mentioning all these songs... often I would just ask him what the song/band was that sings the song with such and such lyrics. The joys of a Shuffle. It was touching. He also gave me UT2004, which I still suck at a few days later. Mark got me a Naruto poster of Haku and Zabusa, and a deck of Naruto cards. I don't have much of a chance to play with cards but they are fun to look at. Haku is the bestest and I'm still deciding where to put the poster... I think my office will be the best place. Linda had not ordered the tshirt she was going to get me, but she made this little paper proxy of me, complete with the chin scar and heart-mom tattoo, with a paper shirt. She was going to get me the "Jesus is f***ing metal" shirt, which I must admit is pretty awesome, but she was afraid that Nads would be offended by me wearing it (which is likely), so she's getting me the "Rogues do it from behind" one instead, which is also the awesome. Also, Linda always seems to get me a nice card for every occassion.

That just gave me an idea: Smack-talking cards. "Sorry I pwned you in UT2004. I hope you get well soon."

Chris got me NHL 2k6 for the PS2! I drafted my fantasy Leafs franchise (led by Iggy). The game has quite a few interesting improvements that make it more fun and realistic than previous years. I recommend it to all hockey fans. Nads, as usual, got me something even though I specifically told her not to get me anything, since I've combined several of my upcoming and previous presents into the LCD monitor that I got. She got me the Tori Amos diary/biography/collaboration thing with some journalist. I haven't paid attention to Tori (I'm a bad fan!) in much too long, even though I still think her songs are awesome and she has very intelligent lyrics. All in all it was good times.

Tuesday I stayed home and chillax'd (sp?) and played around with my presents. Wednesday I celebrated with the NHL... poor Leafs. It looks like I will be heartbroken this year. Thursday my mom took me out to dinner at China Buffet King. Of course, my mom's friend Amy was there to serve us. She's a nice lady as well... very chinese. She gave us these vouchers that took $13 off the meal. She got me a job at the China Buffet King up north when I was a teen as a bus boy, and I always wonder how much she had to look out for me. I didn't do a very good job... I wasn't a very good bus boy at all. I wonder about the other staff too... if they were all looking out for me because I was a kid of a friend of a co-worker, or whatever. I wonder about the kindness that got me here.

Pray to God for love and hope

2005-09-27T13:00:00.000-04:00

When I started recording my thoughts here and decided to make it public, I was careful to focus on my thoughts or feelings towards a person, rather than what they've done or focusing on them. Recently, I have been much less careful. Even though I don't feel it is shameful to state my thoughts on any particular person, maybe not everyone reads it the same way. To me, this journal is something to use to evaluate me, but I suppose people can pass judgment on the people I write about.

So, even though it never occurred to me that stating Richard lies would be somewhat shameful to reveal for him, I have strayed and perhaps gone too far in this public forum. I will not write any more perceptions about him, though he is part of the gang and thus occupies some significant portion of my thoughts. But I don't want to hurt him or cause him stress. On the other hand, I welcome people to speak out their thoughts about me.

Phantasm this weekend was great. Mark and I failed to invite Linda... how does this keep happening? I always assume he's going to, especially since they hung out on Thursday. And years of training. I think the weekend was significant for Mark, and he seems a lot happier afterwards. We played some UT2004 at ELan and that was fantastic too... Mark was a maniac with his shield gun.

Mark's mom and Bill were so nice and were great hosts as usual, and gave me a bottle of her home-made wine to boot! Also, kindness award also goes to Chris for helping me pick up Keith's gift from stupid Brampton. I really tried to look for it elsewhere and I feel really bad, but I'm glad my back is so covered.

You're irresistibly wrong

2005-09-26T10:23:00.000-04:00

The cover of identity. It is the Post-Modern plague. The condition has existed since society formed out of chaos, but only in the last century or so has it ever been identified as a problem. And you should be aware. It is a problem.

Sometimes we go to great lengths to provide a cover and reinforce our identity. There was an Undergrads episode about it. He became the guy who wouldn't leave his room, and eventually he wouldn't leave his room to keep his cover, even though he did want to leave his room. The lengths we go through breaks all logic. Richard will sometimes lie just to maintain his cover. He's getting a lot better about it, but it's amazing. Partly it's also because other people reinforce our identity. Just this morning Nads said to me: "You like wine? Who are you? What have you done with my husband?" And in order not to disappoint others' conceptions of our identity, we try to keep it cohesive and intact. We don't know what will happen if people find out we're not always the same person, that you can't count on us to be the same person (at all levels) at any given moment. Unfortunately, our identity is fragmented. Lacan's theory. Good old Jacque.

What really worries me about his theory though (if it is correct) is this part that he calls the Real. The part that can't be represented through the symbolic order (ie, can't be represented with any tool we possess). This means that each of us faces the Real alone (as we can't express it), and I don't think everyone can do it.

Anyway, things are returning to a precarious equilibrium. I'm sleeping more soundly, Richard is returning to work, and Mark and Linda are hanging out again. Equilibrium is sneaky though, and life may be shaky before week's end.

I write these stupid words and I love every one

2005-09-20T09:37:00.000-04:00

I can't understand why the argument last night was bothering me so much. I think it's because Linda pretty much flipped out. I finally resolved it this morning when I decided that I'm just not going to argue with her anymore... it's really not worth the stress to her. I actually managed to stay calm, which is unusual when I have arguments about logic.

The argument was about whether Snatch Arrows was an ineffective feat for her to take. I understood her argument about her defense being good and it wouldn't be effective, if it was a defensive feat. But I think my argument is still sound. Snatch Arrows lets her catch thrown weapons and throw them back at her opponents. That's turning a defensive feat that she already has (Deflect Arrows) into an offensive feat. It allows her to get an attack of opportunity every time someone throws a weapon at her. Just to make sure I was understanding that correctly, I asked her if she could use it every time someone threw something at her, even if they don't hit her. I don't think I communicated the fact that it was an offensive feat correctly, and she now thinks I'm stupid or something. She (and Chris) decided that I just didn't understand the math and started explaining it to me (I was trying to be polite and not interrupt). Getting to use your attacks of opportunities seems pretty good to me.

Anyway, all in all I still really enjoyed the evening. Getting loots, gaining levels, and getting to play Isaac again! Man, I can't wait to grapple something/one, or bull rush them off a cliff, or net and bash them. It's funny how the weapon specialization mechanic has worked out for D&D, I think. The whole point of focusing on a single weapon is to differentiate fighters from each other... having a signature weapon sort of thing. But every figther specializes now (and it's very detrimental not to do so... Weapon Spec and Improved Weapon Focus/Spec are just amazing). I purposefully made Isaac to be the exact opposite, so that he can focus on weapon versatility, but he's really suffering. I don't know what to do with his feat selections since nothing seems as good as Weapon Focus and Spec. I could probably be doing double the damage I am doing now if I went a regular fighter route. Not to mention the party rogue has a better hit bonus than I do (and can do waaaaaay more damage when sneak attacking).

I should be sleeping like a log

2005-09-12T09:46:00.000-04:00

More restless sleeping. Last night was guilt-based again. Two nights ago was terror-based. Three nights ago was just hella disturbing. I'm beginning to think I'm a terrible person and that my endless nightmares are some kind of punishment from a conscience that isn't in control, like a rebelling teenager in an academic environment. We tried sleeping on a makeshift bed made from our couch cushions laid onto the floor and in front of the AC last night. It worked for Nads. I don't know if a new bed will help me... I hope the solution is that easy.

I'm so worried. I'm sending out my guardian angels a lot these days. I think I will finally get my review tomorrow. What a relief, but I also think it will be disappointing.

My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating

2005-09-02T10:35:00.000-04:00

Wow... I just went through some settings on my blog... finally I found where to control my stupid timezone. Also, I didn't notice that only blogger.com members could post, so I've changed it so everyone could comment. In addition, there's some word verification thing to help me stop comment-spam. Hurray! I also messed with the layout a tiny bit... nothing big yet, but I feel it needs to change.

I had weird kung-fu dreams again last night, as Nads would call them. This time, I did know kung-fu, and it was the only thing that was keeping me alive against two invincible (at least, invincible to me) demons that were trying to kill us (Nads and I... she knew kung-fu too). Besides, that, I only remember bits and pieces... almost falling off Niagara Falls, cleverly setting up decoys in a hotel room and furtively sneaking away, deciding what to bring with me, a martial arts tournament, in which our team distracted some rival team with mention of food, and a frustrating experience at a convenience store. I woke up way early because of it.

When these impossible odds are laid against me, I usually wake up either because my mind starts questioning how I've survived this long (as was the case this morning) or because I reach a frightening point that gets my adrenaline pumping (which is usually the case with my action-oriented dreams).

I don't understand how the last card is played

2005-09-01T16:30:00.000-04:00

but somehow the vital connection is made

A word to push onto the overused stack: interesting. It means a wide variety of things, including the exact opposite. "That's... interesting" really means "please shut up about it". Does it hurt interesting that we've turned its meaning into its arch-nemesis? Someone should get to the bottom of this.

I'm getting upset at how short-tempered Mark is being with Linda. Yes, she can have biting remarks but I feel she is never mean-spirited about it. But Mark's responses are downright hurtful and rude. It was really different when they just used to argue about stuff... then Linda would at least be arguing back. Now, Linda makes a comment, Mark yells something mean at her, and she does not respond. I guess that is an indication of how much it hurts her. He needs to stop before there is no return. And I can empathize with his situation... his temper is probably shorter because of his sleep depravation, but I can't excuse him forever. He must be able to think long term. He's way smarter than that.

I know all the games you're playing, cause I play them too

2005-08-31T09:54:00.000-04:00

The connotation of this line would be so different if I were the one to say it.

Ringtones are a new, indirect way to express our feelings. The Rogers commercials have already suggested as much. It seems that every year there is a new way for us to do so, but is expressing indirectly healthy for us? Why do we seem to need an increasing number of ways to express ourselves?

Cell phones also bring up the issue of conformity for me. You can tell conformity is a huge issue with cell phones by the desperate race for customization amoung all the phones. Realtrax, assigning different tunes/pictures to different callers, wallpapers, etc. It's all subtle and indicative solely through the need for individualization. It's like dancing in your own crazy way. Are there any left brave enough to conform to something fully and not have it threaten their identity?

I know I'm all wrapped up in sweet attrition

2005-08-29T11:59:00.000-04:00

I was working for the army of evil... and my squad was stationed at some suburban house. The leader of the squad was this fly... thing. We first went to a warehouse to fight a squad of the forces of good. We ended up getting our asses kicked but suffered no casualties. Back at HQ, the leader was asking why we lost and the other lackeys were like "it's useless", etc. and I suggested that we get a Death Knight (a laWarcraft 3) so that he can heal us (well, those of us who were undead... I was not) and eliminate their advantage (which was healing). So the fly summons a death knight the next night, and I was in the van with my bag, which I knew had everything I cared about. Then I overheard some lackeys arguing with the death knight outside. Apparently, the death knight wanted to leave his horse here but the lackeys thought he should take it with him. Realizing that this death knight is retarded, I exited the van and watched it drive off.

I hung around the house for a while, and at some point I felt a fly zip into my eye, underneath my eyelid. Annoyed, and perhaps not thinking it through, I started squeezing it (while it was still under my eyelid). It was impressively hard to squish, which was when I realized the fly was really the leader guy, so I squeezed harder and he was squashed. Trying not to think about what that's going to do to my eye, I proceeded to hang around the house.

I was all worried that I had left my bag o' everything in the van, but then I found it by the computer. I was just chilling at the computer, deciding to leave the army of evil, when three of the lackeys unexpectedly made it back from the assault. One of them had a hand grenade launcher, and I immediately knew he was coming to get me. I grabbed my bag and ran for the back room (this is where my adrenaline started pumping), and I opened the window... except it was those stupid three layered windows. The window, the easy-open mesh, and a mesh that was glued on. I manage to rip the top and bottom of the glued mesh but I couldn't get the middle and the guy was so close to the house. I struggled with all my might and dove out the window just in time. Then I woke up.

Anyone can make what I have built

2005-08-26T10:35:00.000-04:00

I got my IPod Shuffle yesterday. I wear it around my neck and I'm never taking it off. There is no time like Super Burger Time. I don't think I had nightmares last night, but somehow I still woke up too early/often.

Seems that we've grown older and time has beat us

2005-08-24T13:13:00.000-04:00

The players:
Debbie (some blond woman, friend, aspiring musician, manager of one of the clubs)
Debbie's husband (my good friend)
Debbie's father (overlord of several strip clubs in TO and other cities)
Me (a close friend of the others, aspiring musician)

The plot:
I play a gig at some venue, and had an okay crowd as far as a local aspiring artist goes. Deb sets up a gig and only 2-5 people attend (I feel horrible). After some encouragement from me and her husband, she decides to give it her all and performs. A couple of days later, Deb's father decides that he doesn't need managers at each of the individual clubs in Toronto, and he could just have one general manager for all of them.

The conflict:
The father decides that the GM is going to be me (I feel horrible). I spend the rest of the night tossing and turning about what would be the right thing to do, as the announcement would be sure to crush Deb and I really didn't want her to have to accept losing her job/demotion on top of the poor showing at her recent gig. Deb's hubby protests with the father but it is futile. For some reason he thinks it is a good idea and he likes me for the job.

Yes, this disturbed my sleep enough to make me really tired today. Why can't I have normal, zombie nightmares like regular people?

Making love to you was never second best

2005-08-19T11:51:00.000-04:00

The problem with using song lyrics for titles is that I always then want to type the next line in here. I'm doing it anyway:

I saw the world crashing all around your face

Another problem is that I never want to use the same song twice, but there are some songs that are just so good. What a world!

Linda actually replied to my letter... my heart overflowed with joy. She even asked me about my opinions, which makes me feel bad about the whole experiment thing and I'm going to drop that whole thing. Are my insecurities bothersome? I suppose they must be. But how can I help it? Eeyore and I are linked.

Mark is coming over to install the All In Wonder replacement (that's right.. I scored a TV Tuner out of this)... hopefully all goes well.

Of every waking hour, I'm choosing my confessions

2005-08-16T14:20:00.000-04:00

Okay. I refuse to read another random blog until the exponential growth of blogs that are clearly just advertising vessels cease, and reversed. It's not bad enough that I get blog spammed, but now it's like trying to find warez on the internet. I'm just waiting for the day I will get popups that I can't close from these fuckers. Grrrrr.

Who’ll make a man out of me?

2005-08-15T12:34:00.000-04:00

The concert started out a bit slow. We arrived in the middle of David Usher's set.... completely missed Jesus Was My Girl. Le sigh. But then Sloan came on, and they were rockin'. Chris Murphy is the penultimate showman. At one point he ran around the inner (standing) area of the arena and pointed to all the seated sections and made them cheer... and then ran back through the standing crowd back onto the stage, which started the revolution. Having previously been contained in their seats, he decided to invite everyone down to the standing area (like the ushers could stop us!) and the concert went from good to far out from there. And of course, there were lots of jump kicks (while playing the guitar) by Mr. Murphy. He had some drumming antics as well, which were hilarious. Then came Finger Eleven. The lead singer was on some serious drugs. One of their band members (bass or guitar player?) seemed completely extraneous as he was just randomly throwing his instrument around and flailing his arm at it once in a while. And the lead singer left the stage a few times (to call 911?). Unfortunately, they played almost everything from their new album and only three songs from the better album, and not even the best ones. That's right, they didn't play Tip. Good Times was completely radical in concert though.

With that in mind, I've developed some kind of secret tech to putting on a good concert: max(enjoyment of songs people may not know) + total hardcore rock(songs that everyone knows) = fantastic concert. This could be as big as the theory of relativity, folks. You saw it here first. I think the main reason the Sloan show was so great was that even though I didn't know some of the songs, I still had a great time because they were constantly having fun on stage.

I created a gentleman pirate wrestler (of course, the gentlemanship is just a veneer) on Saturday, which took forever, and I haven't even assigned his move list yet! Do we really need 154 eyebrows to choose from? Anyway, the game's enjoyment will skyrocket for me once I have my own wrestler so it will be worth it.

I just finished Tactics and I started FF IX. Oh my god, I am so in love. Except for Steiner (I named him Raws), he can pretty much just go to hell at this point. But everything else: so good. I spent an hour playing the card game... this better not be another blitzball.

I had a series of three tragic nightmares last night (3BB). Okay, they weren't that tragic but they disturbed my sleep enough. The first one was my mom totally flipping out and banging on our door and Nads getting really pissed and was going to confront her. At that point my mom had set off the fire alarm and removed an extinguisher and was banging on the door with it, until firemen/policemen came to drag her away like a crazy person. That dream was from guilt, I'm pretty certain. The next one, I had a fight with my dad. He was just waiting for me in front of my door. I didn't want to hurt him, but in the end he forced me to stomp on his face and then he gave up. A little while after he told me he was proud of me and that the fight wasn't serious, and I felt a bit better. The third nightmare was a bit bizarre. I was part of some group at a swimming pool, and we had divided into two teams, and each team became this gang in a play (think West Side Story in the pool). For some reason Linda did not want to get in the pool and I was going to comfort her but Mark was already doing that so I thought I'd best not interfere (is this a recurrence of what happened when Leo ran away?). Anyway, as the musical proceeded, there was another girl I knew (but I don't know her in awake-world) and for some reason she was thrown down and her swimsuit ripped open, bearing her boobies for all to see (although I didn't see them, I was paying attention to something else). Needless to say she was traumatized and I took her indoors to comfort her. Then she asked me to find out who the boys were that did this to her, and to my advantage I had the cast list. However, since I didn't see it happen I still had no faces to put to the names, and my task was more difficult because they were now playing a game that involved flying (real) spaceships around and I had no one to interrogate. Eventually, the girl and I were in a van, and some other girl who was in the gang was driving by in a UPS-like van, so I quickly got out and jumped in so that I could ask her if she saw what happened. She gave me the names I was looking for, but just as she did, the traumatized girl drove her truck, flipped in a ditch and crushed some children and was no where near the culprits in question. I was very saddened that she took her life and that I was a complete failure at comforting her.

Imagine what my body would sound like slamming against those rocks

2005-08-12T17:16:00.000-04:00

I saw that episode of Futurama again last night. Yes, the most profoundly sad episode of Futurama ever. Poor Fry. You'd never think love from a cyclops would be so hard to obtain.

I've been reading random blogs. It is a lot like Russian roulette... for every five duds you get one winner (loser?). I did find one really amusing post at http://purplepowwow.blogspot.com though. Working in thrift store sounds like an adventure. There are some blog crimes out there though, that I hope never to commit. Some of them are:

1) Clutter your page with crap. Do we really need every inch of space filled with content?
2) Blogs about politics. You are about the 1 billionth person to post on any topic concerning politics. If you live in California, all your opinions about political issues are void. The whole state is like America's one big publicity stunt... it's sickening.
3) Blogs by parents. All they do is talk about their kids. Orbit some other planet.
4) Stupid truncations. Like u r 4ever going 2 b stupid.
5) Blogs from the point of view of pets. It was amusing when the first person did it. Stop now.

I spoke with Linda two nights ago. I forgot about not injecting myself into the conversation... I hope I'll remember next time. I am totally feeling like dog poo that she received an invitation to the concert too late. I can't believe Mark was so stubborn that he didn't even invite her yesterday. I mean, it'd be too late, but it'd still be better than not inviting her at all.

It's 2:15pm and no one has told me what the plan is for pickups. We are the superstars of planning. For the first time in a long time, I was completely bored yesterday. I just sat around trying to decide what to do to cure my boredom for a long time. It didn't help that the PS2 was in use and I really wanted to play Final Fantasy Tactics. I'm so close to the end.

A playdoh mask, a million miles to go

2005-08-12T16:55:00.000-04:00

Another thing about person blogs that I've noticed: Everyone seems to think their life/observations are crazy, but it's all pretty much the same. I've seen some of this stuff in movies, books, shows... somewhere. I know my thoughts aren't unique. They're also incompl.

I worship all your handsome words

2005-08-11T20:30:00.000-04:00

One thing I don't do in arguments that seem rather popular with other people: Tell the other person to leave, or make myself inaccessible. I don't like to hurt people, I guess... maybe I crave reconciliation. I mean, I can see situations where I would want someone to leave, but they would have to be very extreme and not something silly like an argument over trivial things. Maybe I just have more foresight than most people when I'm in an argument, but I don't ever want to say things that will put a relationship beyond repair.

Eric Lindros for 1.5 million. What the heck are the Leafs doing?

Things are worse on the Richard front. Still, I have hope it will be better. He must decide to beat it. He must. Mark and Linda are still not in the best of terms, despite my best efforts. I'm not sure when Mark became so intolerant of Linda's difficulties, but it seems irrational. He claims he just doesn't want to deal with her anymore, but he's being just as unforgiving as she is. Why waste our little time together on this? I don't know. I can't get enough time with them and I can't imagine wasting it being angry.

Don't believe that I wouldn't dare to go and take you right back, baby

2005-08-10T09:44:00.000-04:00

I realize that in my last post I had left out Jen's animal. I had thought about it in that shower, but I couldn't find one that fitting... it doesn't help that I don't know all that much about animals (much of my knowledge comes from Disney cartoons). I think I came to the conclusion of an ape.

Last last Saturday, on my way to the streetcar I was accosted by a crazy person. He was clearly talking to himself as he walked down the street (in the opposite direction), but I didn't think he would bother me... I hoped it. So, of course, he stops right in front of me and starts talking to me about trains. At first I was polite and stopped to listen, but as the minutes wore on I started to displace myself. He followed along, talking about trains - how they work, what they're powered by, their velocity. I'm not sure his facts were completely accurate. Near the streetcar platform he subtly asked me for bus fare so I gave him a token. We said our goodbyes and I boarded the streetcar. I'd like to think that I gave him the token out of pity and not fear, but in retrospect I should never have given him the token. I really shouldn't encourage this kind of behaviour from crazy people.

You are the perfect slug, the perfect slug, the perfect slug

Eight days a week is not enough to show I care

2005-08-07T23:32:00.000-04:00

Today in the shower I found the answer to the ever important question: what animals would we be if we were all animals?

Nads - Lioness
Mark - Tiger
Linda - Cat
Richard - Chameleon
Ellen - Sloth
Me - Dog

I was hanging on a tree, unaccustomed to such violence

2005-08-05T12:46:00.000-04:00

If there is one truth to my life, it's that bad things happen to my computer. I feel terrible about it... when Mark was installing the new ultra-l33t fan for my video card, he accidentally scratched it and he is replacing it. Knowing the financial strife he is going through, it is not a good feeling. I tried to convince him to wait until he has a job but he says he feels bad. And round and round we go.

I think what I need to get me back into focus at work is to do a huge project. I'm going to do a large project, that's final. I still need to do some practice questions on the Google Code Jam.

So, I'm going to stick with the family structure that's in my head in regards to the gang. I think we're headed through rough times, and some members of the family don't like/don't talk to each other or whatever, but we're still a family, right? I have to believe that? I don't really know... it's really upsetting me (I can feel it in my stomach). I suck as a mediator.

Something Mark told me got me thinking though... is Linda's recent bonding with me some attempt to make him jealous? I hope not, but I don't know... I am a tool, as she likes to proclaim. That leads me to wonder why I think it would be okay anyway, just because she is important to me... even though... it hurts to even think about it. Eyeore never had it so good.

Regarding Richard's situation... I think he is at a point now where he can either take complete control of his life and his past or let the disorder crush him and derail his life. Having grown up with him I realize it'd be all too easy for him to succumb and go back to the way his life was before Jen (thankfully) walked into his life. She totally has the right idea and the right motive. But I think Richard needs to do this part on his own. Just deciding which direction to go, and realizing that he can definitely control enough parts to make things go that way (even if he doesn't know how). Tony Robbins stuff, I guess. Faith. Fear and Trembling.

Cause the sun will come through, anyday now.... anyday

2005-08-04T12:30:00.000-04:00

I'm still in the funk. I don't understand what it is... I've totally lost the zest I had for my job. It's not a bad job at all. If it wasn't paying so poorly it'd be a great job. Something is wrong with *me*. I'm distracted, overly tired, and knowing that Richard has his anxiety disorder makes it even worse. Knowing that Mark is into money problems makes it worse. Knowing Linda would quit the D&D group if it wasn't for me makes it worse. Knowing I'm not very productive with my review coming up is making it worse. My stupid computer issues are making it worse.

The revelation that Mark and Richard used to complain and be downright mean about each other behind each others' backs is also kind of disturbing. It makes me wonder what kind of shit they've said about me. I guess not everyone can have my flowery lenses. It's also extremely difficult to properly converse with Richard when he brings up Linda. He can't understand why he can't win with her, and I can barely control myself and keep myself from releasing all my fury. But, I manage to keep calm with thoughts like, he's sick and terrified right now, it's probably not the best time to confront him.

I think this is the whole problem with the gang's group dynamic: Everyone has been really nice to me. All the horrible stories I've heared about how they treat each other... none of them are directed towards me. I don't really understand the protective veil that's been shielding me from these horrors, and I'm not even sure I'm glad to have it. Maybe I'm so dumb that I don't realize when people I care about do horrible things to me. I'm like that puppy you can just keep kicking but he'll still come back.

Say my name, sunshine through the rain

2005-07-29T01:39:00.000-04:00

Chris' place is beginning to be that magical place where fun happens, like Mark's place used to be. In a way, being in the city (and everyone having cars) will never be the same though, because we have no excuses to stay over. Not that Linda enjoyed staying over very much, but there is a certain camaraderie that happens when you wake up with the same people and hang out with them some more... I can't explain it any better than that. I would lose hours of sleep and be cold as hell on Mark's floor, but it was all worth it in the end. Good times.

Linda called me a tool for women. It's kinda true, I guess. I question the fact that it's for all women though... am I? I don't know.

Tell me is it the way that I touch you?

2005-07-27T16:52:00.000-04:00

I have this bump on my head. I think something bit me there but I'm not quite sure. Anyway, it doesn't look too good. Maybe it's a tumour.

It's been really stressful at work lately... things keep going inexplicably haywire.

I'm excited about this Daggerspell Siblings character concepts that Linda and I are working on. It'll be fun making up memories and interacting with each other. There will be a mad fight over who gets the magic daggers, though, boy.

With the story arc near an end in the current campaign, there may be an opportunity to play Isaac again. Man it'll be great to play him again...

Cause every door and window is closed

2005-07-25T11:44:00.000-04:00

I've decided what to do. It's a good feeling.

Richard and Mark are disgruntled about going to Chris' house to play because it takes longer to get to, but we never start playing until 8 and none of us usually care that much about getting up. Plus there's much more room there and well-conditioned. Not that I ever minded Linda's place, but she seems to want to play at Chris', so I don't see the issue.

I tried out Nightmare chess last night. What a blast! There were some key moments including when I played fireball to use my bishop to blow up his Queen, three pawns and my other bishop. What a busted card.

I don't ever want to feel, like I did that day

2005-07-24T01:32:00.000-04:00

The recent computer stupidness I've been suffering through will be termed and put into a book in the Bible. When a modern Ramses refuses to let the Jews go, he will experience what I'm going through right now.

I think I am going to be overflowing with sadness and guilt. I have been so negligent towards Linda and she has been feeling left out of the gang. All these years we've been together and she still doesn't have faith that I'd never abandon her. We had one of our randomly long palavers, except this time she was the one who initiated it. I knew something was wrong when she asked about Nads. =P

Our conversations are bizarrely one sided, not that I mind. And I think I'm positively being paranoid here, but all we talk about is her. I mean, that's what I want to talk about, because I want to know more about her, but she never asks a single thing about me. I throw out some random things connecting myself and the topic just to locate myself in the conversation... next time I won't mention a single word about me and see how it goes. It's interesting as an indicator of what she thinks of me, I think. She did say she wants me to be happy, though, and that makes me feel great.

I am having trouble sleeping. Declaring this comes with a great level of guilt, as I'm sure it's nowhere near what Mark's been experiencing for the past year or so, and I feel I have no right to complain. Something is not right with me, though. I'm entirely fucked up in a fundamentally cosmic way. And Linda just told me something that I will never forget. I want to cry and hurt someone when I think about it. Heaven help me, I really don't know what to do.

I hope your rules and wisdom choke you

2005-07-23T01:40:00.000-04:00

I am so addicted to Battlefield 2. As usual Mark and Richard has me hooked and they're busy doing other things so I'm left to play alone (online) all the time. However, still fun. I'm just discovering the joy of Special Forces... it's like taking your first baby steps.

I had a close encounter with my computer. It started smoking like crazy and there was a burning smell. Thank God it turned out to be just the power supply, and I replaced it with an uber-quiet one. Go thermaltake! It was cheap, it has connectors for future expansion, and it has more power than my previous one.

Someone recommended that I try out Maple Story. It's free, it's anime, it's an MMORPG, so I'm going to check it out. I was hoping for more Secret of Mana-esque style of play, but it doesn't look that way from the screenshots. Still, how can you argue with free? I don't know about this business with having to log in to their website (not the game) only with IE, though. Everyone knows Firefox is where it's at.

... wow. This entire post was entirely too Penny-Arcade.

Tell me what you need to hear and I'll tell it to you again

2005-07-21T09:46:00.001-04:00

I'm so messed up. I've been getting less and less sleep lately, and what sleep I've been getting is not restful. I am the object of tangible pressure... it is literally weighing me down. Enough with the dramatics, I suppose.

Linda likes me when she's completely drunk. This is what I've determined. And she won't remember it the next day. I've started thinking of Nads, Linda, and my mom as my personal "Three Tragedies". I find myself speculating on this sitcom-esque situation has come about, that the three most important women in my life are at odds and generally making my life a miserable hell.

My rapidly sinking mood is not visible - it never will be. Nads tells me that she just gets calmer as stuff is happening to her (e.g., if she is choking she barely makes any noise or motion), I guess I am the same on an emotional level. Even if it was visible, who could do anything about it? Nads can't simply because she is part of the pressure.

As it is sandal season and thus the revelation of many feet, I find myself looking at people's feet and trying to discern something about them... So far the only thing I've been able to achieve is to be more confused; why do women do such horrible things to their feet (I assume from high heels and similarly unhealthy footwear)?

Hell is just around the corner

2005-07-05T14:08:00.001-04:00

Does this mean hell == Radio Shack?

The recommended pronounciation for forte is fort. How completely mind-boggling. They need to decouple sounds and meanings as much as possible, I think, and not create more homonyms. What a wacky, wacky world (word?).

We rode on horses made of sticks

2005-06-30T15:42:00.001-04:00

There is something about being in a funk that is... compounding. The people you are cheering for lose, you start losing every game you play, and the words I can't loom so near. Something about it is also appealing though, some part of me just wishes the streak would never end. Maybe then I'd have an excuse to quit, or I'd be such a tragic character that people may shower me with attention.
Being a manager is a tough gig, unless you're not human. I sympathize with my lackeys and I hate to pressure them and I'd rather foster them instead of criticising. Having to talk to them about disciplinary action is part of what I signed up for, though. I want them to succeed.

Tag team, back again

2005-06-24T10:49:00.001-04:00

With another test!

Which Naruto Character Are You?
Test by naruto - kun.com

there's nobody around for miles

2005-05-27T14:43:00.001-04:00

The nature of internet journals, personal webpages, and the like are intriguing to me. I guess I'm metablogging this in some way, but I'm sure it's been done a few million times already. Society has gotten to the point where our validation comes from these utilities.

It is a natural and effective progression in the evolution of human needs. We need to be validated, and we need people to be witnesses to our lives in order for that to happen. Computers has made that relation more efficient. No longer are those two acts coupled tightly and inseperable. They have provided a layer in between the need and the witness. Now, I can post something and feel validated, while someone may or may not witness it at their own convenience. None of this "getting together" stuff.

For example, Linda uses her journal to convey her cleverness to validate her identity. Acceptable. People read it, they respond, they care - whatever, but it has nothing to do with how clever she feels when logging her thoughts. Ellen's new website (which is what triggered this line of thought) is great. I like reading about her in a format that is convenient to me. It carries tons of personal facts that encapsulate her identity and existence. Yay for her. I use this blog as a way to force myself to write, even though sometimes I wish someone would read it, so that my validation would be authentic.

Sometimes, like this post here, I catch myself writing to a non-existent audience. Sometimes I catch myself bringing up this blog to someone - just a casual throw into a conversation, but no one asks to read it. It's just as well, for they may get bored quickly.

i guess you caught me lying to myself

2005-05-21T01:33:00.001-04:00

Do you know how much you scare me when you tell me you may no longer love us
the tremors shake loose
the debris; my adhesive
is not as strong as you.

It's all in my head but she's touching his chest

2005-05-14T13:30:00.001-04:00

Nads read me a couple of chapters of some book that deals with past life regression. I think this may be something I'd like to do... someday. Go under hypnosis, that is. It's got me thinking a lot. For example, of all the people that we know, what ratio are simply people we knew in a past life and our souls searched each other out?

And what about my immigration to Canada? What if that was just my poor lost soul reincarnated in the wrong place, and searched out my past life-mates over in Canada? I wonder if I knew the gang in a past life, and if something can explain my constant sense of rejection from them.

I mean, there are not very many people I can talk to. I listen to them attentively, but I usually can't remember a thing they've said afterwards. I'm very interested as they speak, too, but I guess it's all discarded away as inconsequential. But the gang... I could listen to them talk all day. About nothing, about Tekken, Magic, Linda's job... it doesn't matter. Maybe we died together, some place, some time.